Comments on: What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Been Hurt By Church http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/ for friends of University Bible Fellowship Wed, 21 Oct 2015 04:34:18 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.3.1 By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18638 Wed, 03 Jun 2015 16:41:51 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18638 “When it was clear that one of the missionaries broke the law (viewing child pornography is illegal) the church leaders reported this to police. Would UBF leaders have done this? – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18637

Nope. But they may start soon.

So far here are some of the laws broken at ubf that were covered up and are now being exposed:

– breaking and entering (Toledo ubf)
– zoning violation (Glenn Elyn/Chicago ubf)
– molestations (NY ubf)
– drug abuse (NY ubf)

Also we have no idea what was covered up at Mexico ubf, maybe nothing but serious allegations exist.

And we have seen a long list of “bad things” covered up that do not necessarily break the law but are serious cover-ups spun into glory-stories all over ubfland:

– divorces
– abortions
– suicides

The looming darkness hanging over ubf is not these things directly but the refusal to obey laws and the intentional cover up of facts needed to make an accurate assessment of the situations.

This brings us full circle back to my two public demands that I have repeatedly made the past 4 years to all ubf members:

1. Admit the abuse. Face the facts of every situation and account for multiple perspectives. Respect the genuine self-narratives and personal boundaries of people. Take responsibility at the corporate level of the organization, not just for “glory” but for “shame” as well.

2. Release the bonds. Put an end to the shepherding ideology that burdens, enslaves and entangles people’s lives in un-ending, un-healthy, co-dependent relationship between “shepherd” and “sheep”.

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By: David W http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18637 Wed, 03 Jun 2015 14:45:43 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18637 fyi: http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/membership-covenant/

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By: David W http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18636 Wed, 03 Jun 2015 14:41:44 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18636 I listened to the apology and one thing that struck me is that he did not articulate any forthcoming changes to the “covenant” agreement that his members have to sign. Such an agreement just screams cult, at least to me. This is a comment from a blog which highlights some aspects of the apology that Chandler offered, and it is quite apt, imo:

– TVC is releasing Ms. Hinkley from membership. Is this to be seen as the last step in church discipline that Chandler mentions during his sermon? In other words – is Ms. Hinkley still considered to be a believer and leaving with no existing sin in this particular situation?

[Chandler:] Will you forgive us where our counsel turned into control?Will you forgive us where we failed to recognize the limits and scope of our authority?

When I look at TVC’s church membership covenant, I don’t see anywhere that they stepped out of line with what that document expects. It allows elders to control – and not simply counsel – the lives of members. It also gives fairly broad limits to what elders can speak into and discipline for.

So, if Chandler is sincere about this part of the apology, I think the membership covenant needs to be rewritten. (Or better yet, just trashed).

[Chandler:] Will you forgive us where we allowed our policies and process to blind us to your pain, confusion and fears?

Notice that the policies and processes are not seen as what failed here. It was individual elders making mistakes in the execution of said policies and processes. That should be a huge red flag to anyone hearing/reading this.

People are not perfect, including elders. Chandler admits as much. So why give such imperfect elders so much room to screw up and hurt people? Overhaul these “policies and processes” so that imperfect elders are subject to checks and balances.

In Chandler’s written apology – issues before the verbal one – he was actually pretty defiant in defending the church’s doctrines and policies, and even implied that the membership covenant could become more strict (i.e. would forbid annulment in addition to divorce).

[Chandler:] Will you forgive us where we failed to recognize you as the victim and didn’t empathize with your situation?

This part sounds good, but what is the actionable solution to make sure that this doesn’t happen again? Why are church elders at TVC having such a hard time empathizing with victims? Sounds like there needs to be a serious overhaul to TVC’s elder recruitment, training, and oversight systems. Some of the things that Chandler is admitting to (on behalf of TVC leaders) are enough to disqualify someone from eldership, according to the New Testament requirements.

I think it’s also concerning that it took the threat of a media firestorm to bring all of this about. What if Ms. Hinkley hadn’t been as bold in speaking up? Where would she be now?

If Chandler is sincere, then he will understand if some people cannot yet fully accept his apology. “Repentance” in the original biblical languages carries a sense of “turning around” or “changing one’s ways.” So let’s see if Chandler is able to effect real change at TVC, or if this apology was simply a form of crisis management.http://www.patheos.com/blogs/warrenthrockmorton/2015/06/01/matt-chandler-expresses-remorse-and-asks-forgiveness-in-sunday-sermon/

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18635 Wed, 03 Jun 2015 11:58:36 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18635 When it was clear that one of the missionaries broke the law (viewing child pornography is illegal) the church leaders reported this to police. Would UBF leaders have done this?

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By: Sharon http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18634 Wed, 03 Jun 2015 11:46:14 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18634 Apparently Matt Chandler and the church very quickly offered an apology. I hope they make good on their promises. I also hope someone in UBF is taking notes.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2015/may-web-only/matt-chandler-apologizes-for-village-churchs-decision-to-di.html?share=FJ3%2fMed1C2u%2fhuBwJpl6SQgklIA37uz8

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18632 Wed, 03 Jun 2015 00:00:23 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18632 Yea David the series of epic failure in these churches are painful to bear. Why is it that those who claim to be the “most spiritual” are the one’s with the most problems?

It is also uncanny how these failures share so many common traits with what we have seen at ubf for decades, i.e. “every aspect of your marriage is under the authority of the elders of the church”

It is as if God is painting a picture of everything wrong at ubf on a national level in the US, without exposing ubf directly. Stunning.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18630 Tue, 02 Jun 2015 23:51:59 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18630 WhyLee,

Your words have given me much encouragement and peace all week. This is a very good comment and demonstrates that Koreans can indeed see the issues at hand, as you point out:

“I think that many of us, especially Korean missionaries and leaders, tend to underestimate the US legal system, in parparticular when it comes to sexual crimes with minors. Even a very small incident would result in serious consequences.”

Thank you so much for sharing this! THAT is what I really really longed to hear for decades.

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By: David W http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18629 Tue, 02 Jun 2015 19:36:04 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18629 The recent scandal at Matt Chandler’s church has revealed that he has a few psychos in leadership (and exactly what place does a man-made “covenant agreement” have in the church?):

When Karen inquired as to why her finances were any of the elders’s concern, the pastor responded, “in a marriage separation, every aspect of your marriage is under the authority of the elders of the church.”

Shortly thereafter Karen resigned from membership of TVC.

This prompted another email exchange with Pastor Younger, who denied Karen’s resignation, citing the church’s bylaws which prohibited members who were under church discipline from resigning their membership.

Karen ceased all communication with TVC after that.

In an eight-page email dated May 23, TVC updated its members about Karen and Jordan’s progress. The church leadership praised Jordan’s recovery process, calling him fully repentant, suggesting he was submitting perfectly to the church’s course of action. The update also proclaimed that, “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

However, the church did pronounce condemnation for Karen.

In that same email update, TVC chided Karen’s refusal to submit to its authority. They passive-aggressively professed their love and concern for her but woefully mourned her decision to annul her marriage. They also informed their membership that Karen was officially under “church discipline.” Which was just a nicer way of informing congregants that Karen was to be shunned, Puritan style.http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/05/31/megachurch-stay-with-your-kiddie-porn-watching-husband-or-face-discipline.html

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18622 Fri, 29 May 2015 14:03:09 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18622 Hi Why and welcome. Thank you so much for being a regular reader here. We are well aware that there are hundreds of silent readers each day. We hope that in spite of our OCD chit-chats from time to time that our silent readers have found something here to challenge, inspire or explain their life journey.

In regard to NY ubf, I honestly am praying the next month will be just a storm cloud that passes over. I am praying for God’s mercy.

What happens next?

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By: Why Lee http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18621 Fri, 29 May 2015 00:06:12 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18621 Hello. I do not know what happened to New York UBF though I know some folks at NYUBF. I do not know mrkim but I have some fond memories about him if he is JDK. He is very polite, gentle and humble, that I can say. If you meet with him in person, you will immediately like him. I am pretty sure Brian is also a truly humble and honest man. Hey JDK, I’m Peter Lee in Boston.
I have read the above comments as well as some heated exchanges. We need those opinions good or bad. My only concern is this. I think that many of us, especially Korean missionaries and leaders, tend to underestimate the US legal system, in parparticular when it comes to sexual crimes with minors. Even a very small incident would result in serious consequences. Certainly it is even more sensitive matters to church because of its nature. But we need to be very careful in handling it. Cover-up or ignorance will be a cheap ticket to disaster to church, pastors, congregation, witnesses, not to mention victims and all parties involved directly or indirectly. I hope we all take this matter seriously and take necessary steps to address before it is too late. But often we learn lessons from failures after paying hefty penalties. That is all I want to say for now. And, I am a regular visitor here and I appreciate all participants all of whom I admire. All have passion and love for the LORD and church including UBF.

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By: Ben Toh http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18620 Thu, 28 May 2015 20:53:56 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18620 This seems so plainly obvious—except that when it hits close to home (or close to our own church or people we know), sadly, self-interest and self-preservation over-rules and over-rides common sense, better judgment and even the law of the land.

Probably even when reading this, those who have chosen to “handle the matter internally without reporting it to the authorities as required by the law” likely still feel fully justified that they “did the right thing.” This is truly very sad.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18618 Thu, 28 May 2015 20:42:16 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18618 From another timely article:

“Every instance of abuse, no matter how seemingly insignificant, must be reported to the authorities who are trained to handle this. It is never our place to investigate or to try to determine the severity of these kinds of actions. By not reporting these crimes, we fail both the victim and the offender. I strongly believe that if this had been reported while my brother was still a young teen and he had received intensive counseling, our family would not have been so irrevocably shattered. However, when an offender is allowed to continue in these patterns of behavior for years without any accountability or repercussions, there is nothing to stop them from continuing to abuse.”

– See more at: http://boz.religionnews.com/2015/05/28/sexually-assaulted-in-a-christian-home-a-victim-speaks/#sthash.7ayvEGKK.dpuf

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By: admin http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18617 Thu, 28 May 2015 15:01:37 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18617 The timeout is over. The accounts have been re-activated.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18615 Thu, 28 May 2015 09:45:36 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18615 And we are not talking about once isolated incident, but a pattern of behavior (multiple counts) over a period of time. The penalties can accumulate. If someone is found guilty of three Class A Misdemeanors, that’s up to three years in prison.

Who wants that to happen? No one.

This is why cases of suspected abuse need to be reported to law enforcement as soon as possible. When people think “this is not so serious” and keep quiet about it or try to deal with it in their own way, the problem only gets worse.

Churches in my town require all youth ministers and youth ministry volunteers to be trained on matters of abuse every few years, with a policy of mandatory reporting whether or not it is required by law. Mandatory reporting seems harsh. But it is the most merciful and sensible policy for everyone involved, including the perpetrator. It allows the problem to be dealt with quickly and decisively, before it gets out of hand.

If these things had been alleged in MrKim’s school, and if he knew about the allegations and failed to report them to the police immediately, he would have certainly lost his job and could be prosecuted. Failure to report when there is reasonable cause to suspect is a Class A Misdemeanor. And he could be sued by the victims.
http://www.nysmandatedreporter.org/LegalProtections.aspx

Why should Christians think this is any less serious if it happens in the context of a church rather than a school?

It is *not* the job of pastors and church leaders to conduct their own investigation to determine what happened and how serious it is before reporting to the police. They are not qualified to do so. And they have too many conflicts of interest.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18614 Thu, 28 May 2015 08:49:13 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18614 MrKim has repeatedly said that what happened was not serious.

Here is a summary of the New York Penal Code on sex offenses.

http://www.colgate.edu/docs/default-source/d_offices-and-services_deanofthecollege_biassexualmisconductresources_sexual-violence-support-resources/new-york-state-penal-laws-on-sex-offenses-(pdf).pdf?sfvrsn=0

Depending on the ages of those involved, we are talking about a Class A Misdemeanor (punishable by up to one year in prison) or Class D Felony (two to seven years in prison).

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By: admin http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18613 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:50:26 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18613 mrkim, I am giving you and myself (BrianK) a timeout from commenting here.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18612 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:47:04 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18612 You say it, not if.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18611 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:46:43 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18611 mrkim, what lies of mine are you referring to? Making random shots doesn’t do much to bolster anyone’s opinion of ubf missionaries.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18610 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:46:17 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18610 You say it, not if.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18609 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:45:16 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18609 You always try to play with words.
That is very childish. Get to the point.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18608 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:44:17 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18608 Even though you are not sure, you say if as if that is the truth. And that is evil even though you will deny it.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18607 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:43:32 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18607 From the start of your comments here mrkim, you sound very much like someone steeped in Buddhist thinking. This is not bad in my view, but your thinking very much contradicts Christian thinking.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18606 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:41:40 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18606 And don’t turn things that way. I have nothing to do with buddhism.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18605 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:39:11 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18605 Even though you are not sure, you say if as if that is the truth. And that is evil even though you will deny it.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18604 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:38:16 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18604 Ah so you admit to using Buddhist thinking rather than Christian thinking?

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18603 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:35:40 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18603 If you say anything before you are not sure of the truth or false, that is the same as lie even though you deny it.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18602 Thu, 28 May 2015 03:11:29 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18602 I never knowingly lie. Show me any of my comments where I lied.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18601 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:33:28 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18601 I know you are very free to say lie or truth without feeling guilty.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18600 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:30:47 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18600 Indeed, God has blessed me abundantly. Perhaps you missed my recent article “The Blessed Life”. My life is so much more blessed now that I don’t have to submit to fake ubf spiritual authorities anymore. God has blessed my family so amazingly after throwing off the ubf entanglements! Now I don’t have to feel guilty anymore!

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18599 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:25:10 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18599 God bless you!

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18598 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:21:53 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18598 Apparently, mrkim has a thing for evil spirits…

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18597 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:17:17 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18597 It is no shock to anyone that I am the #1 vocal critic of ubf.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18595 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:14:26 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18595 But usually anything bad I share on my priestly>nation website. I really want the public and ubfers to see the dark side of ubf so that ubfers may repent.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18594 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:13:04 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18594 Yes.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18593 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:12:13 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18593 Yes. You didn’t know the truth.
But, you mocked people with the information which you were not sure.

That is what I am saying.

If you find anything against ubf, you are happily sharing with people so that they might have bad image of ubf.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18592 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:08:38 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18592 No we didn’t assume that. I shared what I could find on the internet. There were allegations of sexual abuse, safety violations, underage workers, and lack of benefits. We don’t know what really happened.

And we especially don’t know what happened after those allegations, other than the factory reopened. So indeed, I don’t know what happened after the allegations.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18591 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:04:01 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18591 Brian,
Now you say that you don’t know?
Didn’t you guys already assumed as if they abused the employees sexually anf etc. and mocked ubfers who prayed for them? Now you just don’t know?

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18590 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:03:07 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18590 I just need one more piece of information and I will make the report. It is only the mercy of the people involved that I don’t have that information. All they have to do is send me one email. But they didn’t. They are more righteous than you. Genesis 38:26

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18589 Thu, 28 May 2015 02:00:38 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18589 Yea, nothing nothing really bad happened… nothing to see or hear or say…

I am thinking of inviting the 13 victims to share their side of the “nothing happened” story here on ubfriends.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18588 Thu, 28 May 2015 01:58:24 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18588 I don’t know. Why don’t you enlighten us mrkim? We would all know the facts if the ubf website would report them honestly. But all we know from ubf.org is that everything is wonderful in Mexico, just as it is all throughout the fabulous world of ubfland.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18587 Thu, 28 May 2015 01:54:06 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18587 Brian,
What happened to the missionary in Guadalajara, Mexico?
After you reported something bad about them, you don’t update any more. Were they in prison or Mexican government wanted some dirty money?

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18586 Thu, 28 May 2015 01:37:22 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18586 And Joe,
I remember you said on facebook debate that it is possible that even you can report it to the police. Why don’t you do it if you think that is as serious as you said.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18585 Thu, 28 May 2015 01:24:04 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18585 Brian and Joe,
It is amazingly insane. There is nothing to cover up and the level is not as much as you guys are imagining. But you guys keep trying to make it look dirtier and worse. Oh, I forgot that that was always what you guys do.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18584 Thu, 28 May 2015 00:51:41 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18584 Those thoughts immediately came to my mind also. Here’s another ironic tidbit:

Duggar says incest punishable by death penalty

Not a single person is surprised that people sin. It is the covering up of sin that infuriates people.

The sins at NY ubf are not good but what is worse is the covering up of such sin. Even worse is that ubf has a history of promoting the abusers. Of course none of this was discussed at the recent KIMNET conference where ubfers were even invited to give keynote speeches. Like the Duggars, the ubf echelon is crafty enough to paint a picture-perfect ministry of apparent holiness and purity. They are merely painting dung however, so eventually the public will know the truth.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18583 Wed, 27 May 2015 23:30:32 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18583 Now that MrKim has left this ungodly forum to return to the pure and holy environment of his church, I cannot help but notice the parallels to the recent news stories about Josh Duggar and the Duggar family. The allegations there are eerily similar.

Josh Duggar was investigated for multiple sex offenses — including forcible fondling — against five minors. Some of the alleged offenses investigated were felonies. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar were interview [sic] by the Springdale Police department on Dec. 12, 2006. The report says that James told police he was alerted in March, 2002 by a female minor that Josh — who turned 14-years-old that month — had been touching her breasts and genitals while she slept. This allegedly happened on multiple occasions. In 2006, Jim Bob told police that in July, 2002 Josh admitted to fondling a minor’s breasts while she slept. “James said that they disciplined (redacted, Josh) after this incident.” The family did not alert authorities.

The story continues.

But the Duggars and their supporters have very deliberately marketed them as a perfect family—or if not perfect, at least pure, and in particular, sexually pure.

And then:

…they are “pure” and “godly” because they police and condemn other people’s sexual lives. But now the public knows that this family which enforces “purity” has covered up the sexual predations—against children, even their own children— of their star son.

The Duggars haven’t shied away from “protecting” children in other contexts. As Right Wing Watch reports, last year Josh Duggar “led a successful campaign to defeat a LGBT nondiscrimination measure in Fayetteville, Arkansas, which he said jeopardized the safety of children,” and that his mother “also ran a robocall pushing for the repeal of the city’s nondiscrimination ordinance, which she warned would empower ‘child predators’ to threaten ‘the safety and innocence of a child.’”

http://religiondispatches.org/josh-duggar-and-the-purity-lie/

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18574 Tue, 26 May 2015 18:37:16 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18574 Somewhere there is a Psych student salivating over the term paper that could be written on our comments…http://reactiongifs.com/?p=14763

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By: forestsfailyou http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18573 Tue, 26 May 2015 18:33:27 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18573 There is no excuse. If someone get’s between me and my wife nothing in all of creation will stop me until those responsible know my wrath.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18572 Tue, 26 May 2015 18:18:53 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18572 Brian,

13 victims?
Most of them don’t consider it as serious matter as police report and they didn’t even rember it happened. Some of the cases, church leaders handled it accordingly and the level was not as to report to the police. One girl is having help from professional.

Now, because the church doesn’t follow CM Diaz’s order, is the church in darkness and cult? They know when to report and when to warn. The leader had been thinking a lot.
The church concern about all church members. When something bad happen, it is not easy to handle. They do their best. But, one person doesn’t like the way and make all things in public regardless of the will of people involved and call the church a cult. That is not right.

The church is not the person’s own home that he can do evrything as he wants. The person needs to respect other opinions too.

Don’t ask me any more question. I don’t want to be here any more.
I am sure that our church is God loving church and people are trying to love each other.

I believe many of you also love God. But I don’t like the way you guys handle any issue here. I hope Carlos and Mary come back though it seems impossible.
I loved them and envied their talents. I remember when he rebuked our missionaries of our reluctance in serving God’s flock. But I want to say that God is not pleased with talents but with love. We are weak and lack in many things. But I don’t think that will be the problem. We can lack of talents or intelligence. But, we are gathering of God-lovers. I am amazed by many sincere and pure people who love Jesus. I respect our leader too. He is humble and struggle together and admit also his weakness. He trys to overcome his self-centeredness and make all his efforts not to hurt any soul. I have been with him 16 years and lived also under the same roof many years and saw his some short-comings too. But overall he deserves our respect.
I believe that is good enough.
I know that there will be lots of things to be criticized. Still, I believe that God loves us and be pleased with thise who love Him.

I know this long writing of my hears will be buried quickly with many criticism which I will not answer any more. I believe that I showed my heart enough.

Peace be with you all.

Carlos and Mary,
I want to say that I had many good memories with you. That is more than bad memories. I hope you are well.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18566 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:53:04 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18566 http://www.reactiongifs.com/arsenio-hall-zomg/

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18565 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:48:39 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18565 2 Corinthians 7:8-13

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18564 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:48:04 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18564 So mrkim, your conscience is not bothered by 13 reports of sexual abuse?!? You say we are the evil ones for discussing this?!? Carlos is the unspiritual one for wanting to report this to the police?!?

I don’t know what god you serve mrkim or what kind of people you say are “godly” but this is not the Lord God who created the Heavens and the Earth. And those are not people of Christ who have the aroma of what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, alarm, longing, concern, readiness to see justice and to prove themselves to be innocent in this matter.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18563 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:39:32 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18563 Thanks for sharing this Joe. This is a very very good and healthy and Christian view of the authority of church and state. Sadly, too many Christians don’t understand this. ubf shepherds ignore it completely.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18562 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:34:07 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18562 @Joe, LOL!

@forests, “Trying to get between a man and his wife is a line never to be crossed” ubf shepheds cross that line ALL the time. The first thing that happened when I started being honest (I mean becoming “Satan”) was that my shepherd set up TWO meetings at my house. ONE was with me and 2 men, the other was with my wife and 2 women.

Needless to say, in my mind I said “No f***in way are we meeting like that!” On the phone, I told JP (the go between mediator at the time) to be sure and tell PH directly “There is no way in hell I would agree to a meeting like that.”

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18561 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:33:04 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18561 Brian,
Holy Spirit is not warning about the matter.
Rather, the Holy Spirit warns me not to sit and talk with evil spirits.
Thank you for your advice.
I will obey the Holy Spirit and don’t come back here.
I will work for God’s glory with godly people.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18560 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:23:30 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18560 mrkim,

You are feeling the pain of your conscience being burned by the Holy Spirit. I felt that too, many times, on the old Voy discussion forums. That is the Holy Spirit warning you to face the facts of your chapter and of your life.

Retreating into “personal bible time” or “quiet prayers” is not the answer. You cannot hide from the Holy Spirit.

Please speak to your chapter members/director (unless you are the director?) and find a way forward that does not grieve the Holy Spirit and a way forward that opens the door to healing and justice. To find the greater blessings of mercy, grace and love etc you and your chapter will necessarily need to pass through the valley of darkness. It will be painful. But if you do it, it will be glorious in the end.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18559 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:16:25 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18559 As usual, you are not alone here.
As you said I am tired. Yes I am tired not in ubf but in this website, full of darkness and hatred and etc. This gives me tiredness. I know that I must come back to word of God as many people do. It shows my immaturity that I keep fighting this endless game. It is like drug making me addicted to it. Even though I know what will be the responses, I keep expecting that there might be some reasonable people. And I am always wrong. Tired. Sad. How many hours did I waste my precious time with you guys? I cannot count it. I got so many names here, “Bull s–, troll, and cult worshipper and blah blah.” And the result is, “Am I happy?” Obviously not here. I feel terrible.

Once I thiught that I could discuss positively here. But here only those who are against ubf are welcome. If not, so many punches will be bombarded on one person. That makes me tired. I need to get out of this darkness soon. I say this over and over again. But whenever I see lies or unfairness, I come back again. Even though I know that there is no hope in here.

My agony is this.
Should I ignore this unfairness keep going here or keep looking and try to correct wrongs to reduce innocent victims?
Am I only feeding evils by involving here?
I am leaning on the latter that I feed more evils.
But God knows that I did this in pure purpose. I trust in Him only. I may go back to normalcy by God’s grace and mercy and no turning back.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18558 Tue, 26 May 2015 16:16:09 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18558 When I read MrKim’s comments, I think of this.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/1gjdAX7.gif

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By: Ben Toh http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18557 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:46:19 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18557 Mr. Kim, I’ve spoken to Carlos and others about this matter and I’ve read what he wrote. Yes, Carlos is not perfect and he does not claim to be perfect either. But it does seem to me that you write as though you are absolutely right (in you judgment) and that Carlos is absolutely wrong! So I wonder if anyone else other than you think that Carlos is “full of hatred and lies.”

I’m really seriously wondering—when comparing what you wrote with what Carlos wrote—about who exactly is the one who is “full of hatred and lies”??

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By: forestsfailyou http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18556 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:42:17 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18556 Trying to get between a man and his wife is a line never to be crossed, despite what you believe is “correct thinking”. Even if nothing he says is true this action is inexcusable.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18554 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:36:53 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18554 Yes, I emailed to your wife, expecting that your wife might think properly. I told her that you are not normal and in danger (?) Which means spiritually. I said your darkness doesn’t hurt ubf rather it would hurt your own family. Don’t you understand? Your bitterness, anger and lies will affect your family the most. That is what I meant. And your wife said that I tried to separate your family. No! I tried to help your family. You are in darkness, full of hatred and lies.

Sorry that I don’t worship ubf.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18553 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:29:47 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18553 Carlos, thank you for speaking out as an advocate for victims and a voice for conscience.

I too was stunned by what MrKim wrote.

Here is a relevant quote from a prominent Southern Baptist leader about why allegations of sexual abuse must be reported to authorities.

“…sexual abuse in the context of the church must be handled in terms of both authorities responsible—both the church and the state. The state has been given the sword of justice to wield against those who commit crimes (Rom. 13:1-7). The church has no such sword (Matt. 26:51-53). This means that the immediate response to allegations of sexual abuse is to call the civil authorities, to render unto Caesar the responsibility that belongs to Caesar to investigate the crime. The church may or may not know the truth of the allegations, but it is the God-ordained prerogative of the civil authorities to discover such matters and to prosecute accordingly. When faced with a question of potential sexual abuse, call the authorities without delay.”

http://www.russellmoore.com/2015/05/22/what-should-the-duggar-scandal-teach-the-church/

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18552 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:29:26 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18552 And even though you know this, Joe, Ben, bigbear, Chris, myself and many other ubfriends commenters know what you mean by going “through hell and back”. We are here for you.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18551 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:28:26 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18551 Thanks for sharing cm. Clearly, like Joe, your family’s final option is to “tell it to the church” publicly. If you would like to publish an article with more details, can you send something to the admin ubfriends email? We’ll discuss what to share, as we want to keep private details private. I think what you shared so far is ok.

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By: cmdiaz http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18550 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:22:16 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18550 Peace to everyone here — I am asking my wife (she has the emails) and some other documents that we recorded if she would be willing to release the materials or at least some materials – we’re in a difficult situation because of my in-laws and the ties to this UBF Cult organization.

My family has been through hell and back because of this situation and UBF cult members – we just want peace.

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By: cmdiaz http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18549 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:16:59 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18549 I am just astonished and sickened by your words – many of us realize that your god is UBF and I pray to the one true God that your daughter never reads or finds out about your words, attitude or what you say in secret MrKim.

At first MrKim mentions — Ben Toh is “sneaky fox” and then you say ” you shouldn’t “manipulate”.

Just to give everyone a clue on who James D. Kim is…

1. Sneaky fox: sending emails to my wife behind my back telling her things like – “your husband is in danger because he is going against “Gods church”… I fear he may harm your daughter and implying to my wife to basically leave me or that she separate from me — should I post the email?

This alone will give you a clear picture of the Cult mentality of UBF – and the sickness of this poor man (who I believe means well but is completely blinded by the UBF Cult and it’s teachings — after all he MUST be “faithful” UBF shepherd.

2. Exaggerating? were you at any of the meetings? NO. Did you speak to any of the victims? NO. should I begin to post emails so that everyone can see clearly? As a matter of fact, I was commanded precisely not to tell any of the parents what was going on – the only reason YOU knew was because I told you — otherwise you would never have known. When I began posting the articles I did it intentionally because the leadership did not want anyone to know.

3. You mention ONE girl – there were 13 victims (originally it was 12 but one victim spoke up at HBF) all together it was 13 that I know of (1 older missionary) and 3 boys – the youngest girl was 6 years old.

4. You mentioned at least (I) was not abused but I was loved by many people… who? Do you know what Mary and I had to go through in UBF? the constant open persecution while we would get encouraged in secret/quietly inside the rooms so that the leaders would not get offended. Also, you clearly had an agenda for me just like everyone else… you said so yourself… “I expected you to do …” as long as I acted Korean, as long as I lead the meetings and organized the groups, as long as I obeyed the leaders, as long as Mary worked on the website everyone was friendly and on our side – as soon as we left we became the enemies? that’s UBF love not to be confused with real love brother.

Even your profile picture gives away your true nature – you are tired, frustrated, and in need of rest. There is no rest in UBF… you’re identity is based on worldly things (how much can you work?) thats slave mentality, thats Egypt mentality — that is why God gave us the Sabbath get rid of your slave mentality brother.

I hope that you can read this verse and meditate it’s the complete opposite of what UBF teaches — Matthew 11:28-30 MSG“

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

James you don’t have to worship UBF or the leaders God has rest for you.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18548 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:13:19 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18548 mrkim you wrote this: “For New York, I came to know sure.” Then American laws require you to report this to the police. If not, the law says you will go to jail for not reporting the abuse, unless you get a good lawyer and can find a loophole in the law.

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By: BrianK http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18547 Tue, 26 May 2015 15:06:23 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18547 mrkim,

We do not delete comments here, generally speaking. If some other admin feels compelled to remove your comment they can do so, but I will not.

It sounds like you have a lot to discuss in your chapter. I hope you all are talking on a daily basis and figuring out how to address these things.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18546 Tue, 26 May 2015 14:40:42 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18546 Joe,
We don’t depend on the system all the time.
Are you going to obey the laws when it is eveb against God? Sometimes, you need to think of many things and situation together. You don’t go to the system blindlessly. Goverment doesn’t solve all your problems or issues. Government is not your God. It doesn’t mean that we ignore our system.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18545 Tue, 26 May 2015 13:28:34 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18545 Brian,
Could you remove the post I wrote just now?
I didn’t want to come this far but did.
I didn’t want to touch too personal matters but I couldn’t stop when I heard offensive words against me. I hope you can take it off as soon as possible. And I don’t want to be involved in this dirty fight any longer.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18544 Tue, 26 May 2015 13:22:26 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18544 “The level of misbehavior was not as serious as to call the police. – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18543

According to whom? In your system of justice, who gets to decide this?

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18543 Tue, 26 May 2015 13:09:57 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18543 Joseph,
You talk about sexual misbehavior.
The happening in Anam center you mentioned, I have no clue. What I heard was tapping on her back and the husband complained. That is all I know.

For New York, I came to know sure.
Still, I am not sure of the exact definition of sexual molestation. The level of misbehavior was not as serious as to call the police. Since the girl was in shock, she has been treated properly by many people including professional counsellor. Again, the church didn’t cover it up. They had meeting and talked to people who are involved and dealt with the offender accordingly.

But Carlos and his wife were not satisfied not because of that issue but because of other issue. I know for sure that they didn’t like the leadership since they were not fully supported. Though, they got tremendous support from the majority of people including me. They kept challenging the leadership to get what they want and it was very selfish and proud behavior. They cannot do everything as they want to. They also need to listen to other people’s opinions. But when they didn’t get it, they kept trying to bring division among members.
If I need to, I can give many examples of their lies though I don’t want to.

My first impression of Carlos was the miniature of Apostle Paul. He was excellent in talking but I realized that most of them were exaggerations and lies. I regret that I supported him with all my possible energy sometimes I had to stand up our leader. But, later I realized that I was wrong.

It reminds me of a man in Anam center long time ago. For many years, nobody knew that he was not a student. He deceived everybody by saying that he was a student of Korea University and even attended classes. He lied about all his life to make up big dramatic story for many years. Later, he stole offering money and roommates’ credit card and money and ran away.
Weird story? But it is true.
Many people lie to get attention. And that is what I saw in NY too. I am not sure how many people were abused in ubf. I am sure there would be many. However I am not sure which is true and which one is lie. At least I am sure what I saw with my own eyes.
One case I am sure but that case iss full of lies.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18542 Tue, 26 May 2015 12:12:58 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18542 Ben wrote:

“Mr. Kim, as I’ve said before, I believe that you are a truly genuine Christian who loves Jesus and the gospel. But you are likely not very aware that your sentiments are strongly shaped by your culture that is rooted in Asian, eastern values – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18538

The 8 points that Ben made about Korean missionaries’ cultural values are certainly a factor. But there is a long specific history within UBF of rationalizing and overlooking the bad behavior of leaders. Those who brought allegations against leaders have not been taken seriously, but criticized and attacked as MrKim has illustrated. Whatever doubts MrKim may have had over the years about the integrity of UBF leaders had to be ignored and suppressed as a mechanism of survival, because without this he could never have remained in the organization.

For example, take the big scandal that hit Anam UBF in the late 1990s that involved allegations of misconduct by a leader and a subsequent coverup, including the payment of hush money to a staff intern to make her go away. That leader was close to MrKim. Many (a majority?) from Anam left UBF in the wake of this scandal. It must have been a very traumatic event for MrKim. It forced him to choose sides. Those who chose to remain in UBF developed defensive mechanisms to suppress their doubts and fears and rationalize their decision. Perhaps they decided that sexual misbehavior isn’t such a big deal when it happens inside the church. Perhaps they decided that anyone who ever raises questions about UBF leaders is motivated by hatred, pride, and other ulterior motives. They became desensitized to scandal and apparently no longer care whether their organization has credibility or holiness. Now they just dodge and deny.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18541 Mon, 25 May 2015 20:59:30 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18541 It seems that you don’t care about the truth. Whoever just stands up aganist ubf, you are happy to praise them. You don’t need to bother to figure out if the person is saying true or false. Only encourage them to say against ubf.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18540 Mon, 25 May 2015 20:31:37 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18540 Not tour but your.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18539 Mon, 25 May 2015 20:30:47 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18539 Ben,
You shouldn’t manipulate. You know how to judge people without using bad words. But tour judgments are very wrong. Especially you are very partial, praising people who are against ubf and mocking people who are against anti-ubf.

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By: Ben Toh http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18538 Mon, 25 May 2015 15:23:27 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18538 6) You expect grace to be extended to UBF and to her leaders but truth to everyone else, especially to those on UBFriends.

7) Along with grace to leaders, one should also extend to them mercy, forgiveness, kindness, patience, tolerance, which is actually very good and wonderful. But to those who critique UBF, you expect along with truth, perfection, absolute correctness, and perfectly correct and right tone of voice and writing.

8) In other words, you seem to be very lenient with UBF and her leaders, but very very strict with everyone else, which is good for everyone else. The problem is your double standard.

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By: Ben Toh http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18537 Mon, 25 May 2015 14:56:52 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18537 5) Leaders and others in UBF who sin should be treated differently. When any UBF leader sins, we should “just pray and trust God and do God’s work and let God deal with them.” But when UBFreinds sinners question the sin of leaders, they are pig, bitter, wounded, angry, unthankful, Satan, devil, sneaky sinners, etc.

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By: Ben Toh http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18536 Mon, 25 May 2015 14:34:09 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18536 Mr. Kim, as I’ve said before, I believe that you are a truly genuine Christian who loves Jesus and the gospel. But you are likely not very aware that your sentiments are strongly shaped by your culture that is rooted in Asian, eastern values that are strongly influenced by Confucius, which is to be expected. Thus, like many UBF missionaries, if I may be so bold to say so, you have the following strong sentiments shaped by your cultural roots:

1) You are very loyal and committed to your leader(s) and to your church. Thus, you get quite offended when anyone dares to bring up some wrongdoing related to your leader(s) or your church. Thus, you labelled Carlos with unnecessary and uncalled for ad hominems and guilt trips, which is not loving or gracious Christian behavior.

2) You strongly believe that non-leaders should not critique, question and challenge leaders. So you strongly disagree with and dislike UBFriends because people here are willing to speak up regarding matters that they can not address in UBF without facing some form of negative reactions and repercussions.

3) You believe that trusting God means that the primary work of UBFers is to “preach the gospel and raise disciples,” and NOT address problems or interfere with how UBF is run by a top tier of leaders, even when some of their practices and decisions may be abusive, authoritarian, questionable, disrespectful, condescending, rude, intrusive, overbearing and unaccountable.

4) You believe that people in UBF should only talk about “good things,” and not bring up problems, especially publicly, even though the Bible is a most public book that primarily brings up and addresses in explicit detail the sins and problems of God’s “chosen” people (the Jews in the OT and Christians in the NT).

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18534 Mon, 25 May 2015 13:16:57 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18534 You should add sneaky fox too.

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By: Ben Toh http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18532 Mon, 25 May 2015 12:19:46 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18532 Thanks, forests, This quote, which I posted 4 years ago, explains why some “ubf defenders” act the way they do: https://www.facebook.com/ben.toh.9/posts/10150198661514490

“It is natural, when under criticism, to shield your heart from pain by belittling the critics in your mind. ‘You stupid idiots.’” …or pig, or demon, or Satan, or bitter, or “it shows that you are no different from others here!”

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By: forestsfailyou http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18531 Mon, 25 May 2015 05:42:54 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18531 I am sure that Ben Toh needs no help defending himself, but allow me to point out that the person who is the best judge of things is the one who it concerns. In this case it is the man himself- which you are saying exaggerated- which is a judgement. Since you are saying “fairly” I ask by whose standard you are judging- because God’s standard is very clear

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” Ephesians 5:3

By saying that he is “exaggerating” Ben is just point out that you are admitting it happened (exaggeration requires an object to be exaggerated), and since it happened, even if it is small it needs to be taken with a high level of seriousness because the Bible commands it so. You also also judging Ben to be unfair- which is again a problem when then you then turn around and say not to judge. I believe this is the special pleading fallacy.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18530 Mon, 25 May 2015 03:47:24 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18530 Ben,
Does it make you happy?
I thought that at least you judge things fairly and thoughtfully. But it shows that you are not differenr from others here.You don’t care about the truth but just happy to find something bad against ubf.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18525 Sun, 24 May 2015 15:51:10 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18525 And no matter what I say, I know what would be the response here.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18524 Sun, 24 May 2015 15:42:09 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18524 Carlos,
I tried to figure out the truth when I was very close to you. The more I figure out, the clearer that you did this because you were not fully supported and you didn’t like the way other people handle the matter. You didn’t respect different opinions. And you say that church is in darkness and cult. It is very convenient for you to say so.

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18523 Sun, 24 May 2015 15:39:15 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18523 Carlos,
I tried to figure out the truth when I was very close to you. The more I figure out, the clearer that you did this because you were not fully supported and you didn’t like the way other people handle the matter. You didn’t rrrspect

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By: Ben Toh http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18520 Sun, 24 May 2015 14:53:12 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18520 “About the sexual molestation, you exaggerated and lied…” – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18519

Mr. Kim probably has no idea what he just did. He virtually acknowledged that the sexual molestation DID HAPPEN!!! He apparently just does not like the fact that it is being exposed for what it is. Thus, in his opinion, Carlos “exaggerated and lied.”

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By: Ben Toh http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18519 Sun, 24 May 2015 14:47:16 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18519 +1+1+1+1+1+1+1 x a gazillion!

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By: cmdiaz http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18518 Sun, 24 May 2015 13:24:58 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18518 Thank you Charles, unfortunately MrKim is a “troll” who goes around trying to defend UBF whenever he reads an article online that says the slightest thing against UBF I know this because I considered MrKim one of my closest friends and he would often talk about BrianK for some reason. I thought we were real friend (Mrkim and I) I counted on him after I left to uncover the rest of the darkness that I began to uncover in order to bring peace and light to that situation. However, when “I failed to meet UBF expectations” I became the enemy I couldn’t believe how fast people turned on me and my family.

— “the sexual molestation was exaggerated” I would like to ask, were you the one speaking to the victims? have you spoken to the victims? How about this… did you speak to the older brother who was forced to give oral sex for about 4 years? Oh wait you can’t ask that because his father is a church leader and a “godly man”.

— Was that story made up by me? and did we imagine the conversation we had with that young man? I was not the only person who knew this I wasn’t the only person he spoke to. Please prove me wrong and ask him or ask his father yourself.

It’s difficult to show everyone the evidence we have (on video, and writing) because we are in a bind — BrianK BenT and some others know the reason. I am grateful for this community and can say that I am in a healthy church and the only expectation is that I have a relationship with Christ. God bless you all!

John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

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By: admin http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18517 Sun, 24 May 2015 12:21:06 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18517 Hold on a minute, mrkimmatchlass. You mentioned this: “About the sexual molestation, you exaggerated and lied because people didn’t try to solve the issue as you wanted. – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18514

Do you realize we are in America? Do you realize we have mandatory reporting laws for such abuse?

If a clergy person knows about such a thing, the law requires reporting the incident to the authorities.

As the admin of this website, I am going to look into whether or not I have to report this to the police.

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By: c http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18516 Sun, 24 May 2015 04:41:44 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18516 mrkimmathclass wrote:
“About the sexual molestation, you exaggerated and lied because people didn’t try to solve the issue as you wanted. You cannot force people to listen to you and follow your way. And because of that, you say ubf is in darkness and cult. That is absurd.” – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18515

I hope that the authorities were contacted to investigate the allegations of molestation. Does mrkim’s comment imply that there was a less exaggerated, acceptable molestation? Awful.

mrkimmathclass further wrote:
“I am the one who loved you and your family the most and expected you to do much greater things. But what you did was very evil and dark. You should know that many people felt heart-broken and sad when your family left and confused.”

Again, awful. What exactly where these expectations you had? What might be these “much greater things”? His justice was not enough it seems.

This is the same old rhetoric I’ve heard from other Korean missionaries to make people feel guilty and to fall back in line. I find such words to be manipulative and lack any empathy for those who have been hurt.

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By: c http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18515 Sun, 24 May 2015 04:35:05 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18515 26. I am the one who loved you and your family the most and expected you to do much greater things. But what you did was very evil and dark.

27. You should know that many people felt heart-broken and sad when your family left and confused

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By: mrkimmathclass http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18514 Sun, 24 May 2015 03:48:56 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18514 Carlos,

I can say that there could be many people who were abused.
But at least you are not.
Rather, you abused people in ubf.

While you were in ubf, you are the one who were supported by the most of people in ubf. You are the one who rebuked our members because we were not actively engaged in preaching and helping people. When you wanted to rebuild our church environment, most of our members supported you.
But you left our ubf when you didn’t get the support from our leader fully. You are the one who lied and tried to bring division among people. About the sexual molestation, you exaggerated and lied because people didn’t try to solve the issue as you wanted. You cannot force people to listen to you and follow your way.
And because of that, you say ubf is in darkness and cult.
That is absurd.
I am the one who loved you and your family the most and expected you to do much greater things. But what you did was very evil and dark.
You should know that many people felt heart-broken and sad when your family left and confused.

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By: cmdiaz http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18512 Sat, 23 May 2015 21:02:44 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18512 After reading Mrkimmathclass’ response I would like to add something…

After most of the sexual, spiritual, psychological abuse had been revealed to about 3-4 leaders… my wife and I came up with some logical next steps… we suggested that:
1. We should bring these dark secrets to light and work out our issues with the congregation
2. We should repent for failing to make this church a safe and healthy place for children (since some leaders knew what was going on years before but hid this fact).
3. Let’s not just say we’re sorry let’s do something about the problems in our church – i.e. racism, the nationalism, the cultural problems, the rivalries and power hungry battles etc…

I was given these responses:
1. “It is the UBF way” basically the response was we (UBF leaders) will not reveal these things because admitting and revealing these things would damage UBF’s reputation.
2. “We are Korean missionaries you are the Spanish” — whatever that meant — I took it to mean [ don’t tell us (Koreans) what to do.]
3. It is their cross to carry (mentioning the abused children) and so no therapy or counseling was ever offered. As a matter of fact none of the sexually abused were offered any kind of help.

In order to be a Spiritually/Emotionally healthy and safe place these people shouldn’t just say they want it to be healthy and safe… they should do something about it.

Now that I look back… I really feel that there are genuine people in the UBF cult organization – however the UBF culture blinds its members from doing what is right in Gods eyes so instead they do what is right in UBF eyes. I know because I was just like Mrkimmathclass and I would even give similar responses.

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By: yellowblossom http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18003 Sun, 03 May 2015 21:16:45 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18003 As a current member of UBF, on the verge of leaving , it is hard to read these comments sometimes and often I just want to hide into my protective shell again and say…UBF is great, I learned Jesus here, My life was changed there to know Christ. All these are true…however. There is a huge however. The system in which I learned about Jesus my Lord, is inexcusably narrow minded and corrupt in structure. Yes, let’s go to the Bible, yes Jesus is my savior. But to experience the grace of the gospel is to experience freedom. There is NO freedom of mind, spirit, or personal struggle with the word of God in this system. My dear friend who is not in UBF has been hurt because of my so called shepherding to her. Do I have an excuse? Can I just brush her off easily and say that it’s ok God will take care of it? Should I not take responsibility for leading her astray? The answer is no.

So I guess what my point is, having all this online discussion is crucial. Hopefully more UBF members will read and make some changes. We need to change. Or leave.

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By: Joe Schafer http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18002 Sun, 03 May 2015 16:03:52 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18002 vmi, thank you. For the record, I have said all of the things mentioned in the original article (#1-#6) and more to critics and ex-members of UBF, without realizing how bad it was to say such things. I believe you meant well. We all have a lot to learn.

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By: vmi http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-18001 Sun, 03 May 2015 15:31:43 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-18001 Joe and Brian
You are right. I did say item #2 to the hurt.
I am so sorry for that.

Actually I was tempted to speak like Brian to Mrkim because Mrkim’s comments reminded me the abusive ubf leader who had expelled me out of ubf. My blood was boiled again.

But recently, I try to care for my lips because Jesus standing beside me watches how I treat others, even to the one who hurt me.
That is my personal struggle.
I have to admit that I didn’t treat Brian well to care for my selfish concern.
Again my apology. I am learning this. You guys taught me a good lesson.

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By: MattC http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-17998 Sun, 03 May 2015 03:56:05 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-17998 It still floors me that MrKim has such a reaction to the posts prior to his.

The topic of the article is things people shouldn’t say to those who were hurt by the church.

Yet the very concept of his comment is that these things are in themselves, good things to say to people who have been hurt. That people should hear them and listen to them.

Yet this response is not surprising at all.

Great list everyone. Really shows how leaders, if they are out of touch and clueless, can easily steamroll and hurt people whom Jesus longs to minister to.

Also, the fact that this source came from someone not in UBF confirms my idea that the church in our time has the opportunity to confront the issue of abuse and find God’s mercy and leading, real healing. The Church must face this issue or they will suffer endlessly, not for Christ, but for their own wrong doing, according to 1 Peter 2. (the other part of 1 Peter 2, I mean).

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By: peter http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-17995 Sat, 02 May 2015 22:42:29 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-17995 The topic of being a good listener as a way of service is very difficult, especially on an online forum. I find myself struggling to decide to post or not on certain things. If I were to evaluate myself, I would say there are times in my life where I am a really bad listener. By this I mean that I simply don’t hear the person’s heart and sense, behind the words. I see this often at work. Communication problems often come when people don’t have the intention of really understanding what the other person thinks.

What I really enjoyed reading in one of the past threads, was where a commenter (Joe Schafer) talked about holiness not primarily about being good, “righteous”, mistake-free, but rather it is a relational, differences-penetrating characteristic/quality in a person. I wish I could explore more of this.

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By: peter http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-17994 Sat, 02 May 2015 22:08:29 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-17994 A friend of mine actually discovered this article and told me about it and read it to me over the phone (I assume it’s the same as the one posted here).

One thing to point out which my friend told me: 3) I don’t want to gossip. Whether from the perspective of you yourself, or your peer whom you’re talking to, there is a sense that talking about these issues that have happened to is really not gossip. That means it is really right for us to be expressing ourselves here. We shouldn’t feel guilty or condemned that we are making these issues in our heart known – it’s not gossip. It is right and necessary.

And not all anger is just “complaining and bitterness”. There is such thing as righteous anger.

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By: MJ Peace http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/05/01/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-been-hurt-by-church/#comment-17992 Sat, 02 May 2015 21:59:21 +0000 http://www.ubfriends.org/?p=9202#comment-17992 It’s so interesting how peoples’ online presence is drastically different from their personality in real life. Someone noted that Dr. Ben talks much milder face-to-face than online. I can say the same for Brian Karcher. Online forums miss so much of the communication. We read each others’ written comments, but don’t see their facial expressions or tones, so we can’t tell if the comments are sincere or sarcastic. It’s be cool if there was a way to actually talk face to face. I’d like to talk with happy pinky and mr.kim’s math class.

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