First, I was happy she came to us though unplanned, unexpected and on unfortunate circumstances. I hoped we could help her most of all in growing spiritually, by showing her our practical life of faith. I also hoped we could deepen our relationship to her. But when time passed I felt more and more tired and exhausted – although I for myself didn’t  serve her very much but my mother. ;;
I began to feel stressed and started avoiding her. And I put the responsibility on her by blaming her in my heart  to be ungrateful, undiscerning  and a burden to my mother.

Yesterday  my sisters and I started a discussion (or shall I even say ‘argument’?) with her after our Sunday worship service. And I have to say we failed miserably. We talked about real faith. In my eyes, we had to tell her how she had to believe in God because  the bible  was saying  so (- on my opinion). But afterwards I realized  I only wanted her to put  on the glasses of my own  opinions  and experiences through which she should see the bible like I did. Because of this self-righteousness I couldn’t help her.

My father told me that I have to see myself, my own  faults and sins and take them to God before I try to teach others. And that I should deeply study the bible learning which example JESUS gave us.

Your article, Mary, made me think it over again and add new things to learn from your experience – thank you very much!  I think I’ll try to follow the “Do’s” and “Don’ts” from  the other Mary, too. =)
May God help me to  have a  wider and humble  heart – loving other people just as they are instead of judging them because God also loves me just as I am.

I spent 9 months in the ‘sister’s tent’ last year in Korea and that totally changed different habits of mine. I slept with 2 other girls in my room. I couldn’t just lie around, go on the computer, read and do whatever. I had to tidy up. I had to make sure my things were lying around and even serve breakfast once a week for 5 other girls. It was such a challenge, but also a great time for me to recognize how preciously God made us. We are so unique in the eyes of God but I have this problem where I want everyone to be like me! It was a humbling experience.  

Thank you for sharing!!

Points #1 and #2 on Mary J’s “Don’t” list are also worth considering. Why would it be problematic to invite someone to live with you if they are involved in another ministry? I guess it would be problematic if the practice of “common life” has a motive or implicit agenda to help people to commit to UBF and transform them into something after our own image. As Mary Y wrote, much of her angst about common life came from the weight of all those hidden expectations. If those hidden expectations are put aside, then opening your home to someone can lead to lasting friendship and be deeply transformative for everyone involved. Friendship and community are valuable for their own sake, not merely as a tool for raising disciples. I wish we could all understand that better.

I attended the Leadership Development Workshop in Wisconsin back in October 2010 where a workshop/presentation on “common life” was given by Paul Dang. It was eye-opening for me. I appreciated how the panelists encouraged about using common life as a means for learning how to be Jesus-like both outside and inside the home. They also gave various “do’s” and “don’ts”. Here are a few off the top of my head:

Do:

1. Think about how Jesus lived, ate, slept, prayed and did everything with his disciples over the span of 3 years. This type of common-living training was excellent for Jesus and his disciples.
2. Discuss the idea with all members of your family, including your children. Give them a say about inviting a bible student to live with your family in their home.
3. Establish some guidelines and goals, if needed — ie: no alcohol in the home, try to attend morning prayer three times a week together, etc. I think it was Mark Vucekovich who suggested that common life among similar-aged people should include signing a faith contract of some sort to start everyone off on the same page.
4. Do deeply evaluate why you are inviting this person to live with you. If your motives are wrong, even for a bit, then it may be best not to proceed.
5. Pray with your husband/wife as much and as often as you can. The more you come to Christ while living with this person, the more Christ-like, patient, loving, encouraging you will be to them.

I appreciated even more, some of the “don’ts” of inviting someone to live with you:

1. Don’t invite someone to live with you to simply “keep” them in your ministry.
2. Don’t invite them if they are deeply involved in a different ministry. This may cause problems, and may even be rooted from Don’t #1.
3. Don’t invite students of different sexes to live on the same floor or close vicinity of each other — as it can cause distractions and problems among peers (I think one example was given that it MIGHT be alright if they lived on different floors or apartments within a 2-family building… I don’t recall exactly).

(If there were any additional guidelines that I missed, please feel free to add them.)

I was especially intrigued by the panel on common life because I had never thought of being able to offer my home to someone as a means for spiritual growth and encouragement for them or for me. I began to think about specific friends in New York UBF that are living in unhealthy, distracting, broken and sometimes even violent homes. As a disciple of Jesus, I should want to help them and offer them something better by bringing them to Jesus.

I enjoyed this story a lot! My wife and I have been married for about 5 years, and I think we’ve lived without a “Bob” for maybe 12 months tops. So I’ve had quite a few memorable “Bob”-experiences, and I grinned as this posting reminded me of them.

Despite all the hiccups, my wife and I are so much happier when we can share our life with others. We’ve also found that conflict in the home is less when others are with us. And it’s not just an appearance because someone else is living with us; there is genuinely more of a spirit of collaboration and serving together to love and welcome and serve “Bob”.

I concur with you, Mary, about the pains that can arise when other people have expectations about how you’re supposed to serve “Bob”. Even more painful is the expectations that “Bob” may have. We’ve learned the hard way that it may not always be wise to allow just anyone to be a “Bob”. A few times my family was more welcoming than I think was wise, and it blew up in our faces to the detriment of the home and the ministry.

Notwithstanding all the awkwardness and potential conflict, sharing my home and family live with “Bobs” has brought real joy to my family, has helped uncover all kinds of personal sins in me and my wife, and has helped us to try to learn a tiny bit of Jesus life-giving spirit. We’ve failed more than succeeded in that, but we thank God for the opportunities to try, and His grace that restores our failure. God be with all of you!