Particularly, it explains the power of “unspoken rules.” This aspect was very heavy in UBF, maybe even more than in other spiritual abusive systems. What I learned is that as soon as you take them seriously and try to write them down or speak them out, they immediately reveal their ridiculousness and fallaciousness.

Joe, here you gave a very good example. So hilarious. I must say that I became and still am pretty embarassed when I realized under which crazy rules I submitted voluntarily. (Even though the word “voluntarily” is not unproblematic here. People often laugh about the apparent foolishness of cult members, but they don’t realize the subtle, but mighty power of mind control methods, as emphasized in the title of the book.)

Brian:”Part of why I have been so “flint-headed” lately is to counter-act the hard-headedness that I found when I raised one simple question 9 years ago, and again when I raised just a few issues last year. To those who remain so callous and call themselves leaders, I will remain ‘flint-headed’ and will fight fearlessly” I’m with you Bro!

people can call themselves whatever they want, & live in fantasy world as long as like, but fact remains: TRUE leader tell truth, TRUE leader at battle FRONT like Matthew Broderick rushing up Confederate hill in ‘Glory’, true leader not CHICKEN to do right-
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN..

Let’s strive to be real/true leaders in religion/government/whatever or let’s cease to lead until we can..HALLELUJAH!

“Through the fear of marginalization they train others within the organization to conform to the pastor’s abusive system.”

LONG LIVE THE SUFFERING/HEALTHY MARGINALIZED UNTIL THE PAMPERED/UNHEALTHY UNMARGINALIZED ARE DETHRONED/SAVED FROM OBLIVIOUS MORASS..holy-lujah

now there are roles like pastor, preacher, teacher, but only if done rightly in service to Christ’s body, NEVER if done wrongly to be served by Christ’s body..HALLELUJAH

“Insecurity is dangerous thing for a senior pastor. Insecure leaders typically build a protective structure around themselves to keep themselves safe. These “yes men” uncritically support their leader. Those who question, refuse to support the pastor’s needs, or pose a threat to the pastor’s leadership are marginalized within the leadership structure—or placed at the “bottom of the list.” These pastors are under the delusion that they are doing the right thing—and even believe they have accountability to ensure they stay on track. But in reality they are inflicting pain and misery on those at the bottom of the pastor’s “list.” Through the fear of marginalization they train others within the organization to conform to the pastor’s abusive system.”

http://geekychristian.com/spiritual-abuse/

Yes, the “abuse” in shepherding is the failure of the shepherd to release his/her sheep, but still expecting matters of the sheep’s life to pass through the shepherd or the leader, in order to “keep spiritual order.” This, in my opinion, can be and has been destructive to countless friendships and relationships in ubf over the last 50 years.

I have shared this before. There are two older leaders who are already grandfathers. One said to the other, “You must obey me because I have been your shepherd for 35 years!”

This is so funny, even though it is really very very sad.

Yes, and certainly a plurality (and diversity) of elders/leaders, rather than an autocracy or an oligarchy of a select few. A lack of diverse plurality will eventually destroy any organization.

I would even go one step further. The shepherd not only replaces the Holy Spirit (by giving “directions”, “orientation”, “rebuke”, etc.), but also the Father and the Son, i.e. all spiritual dimensions of God.

Regarding the Father, just google for “father-like shepherd” to understand that groups like UBF want the shepherd to be a father figure. On a positive side this can mean care and love, but on a negative side this can also mean authority and dependence, and this is what inevitably happens in practice. “Raising” disciples is done very much like “parenting”. Sarah Barry is called “mother”. And Samuel Lee was considered the “father”. In the 1976 open letter, the senior shepherds wrote “we believed that you were our spiritual father” (this is a literal quote). Like parents in ancient times, UBF spiritual parents also arrange marriage. Sheep are considered to honor their spiritual parents and be always thankful and obedient, just like real parents. Jesus warned particularly about this problem in Mt 23:9. How more explicit could Jesus and the Bible text be about this?

Regarding the Son, this is obvious. Shepherding ministries believe that Jesus who had 12 disciples is a model that should be copied 1:1 to reach the goal of world mission through exponential growth, with Jesus being replaced by human “disciplers” or “shepherds”. This seems like an obvious idea, but it’s a human idea that the Bible warns of (Mt 23, 1 Cor 1:12 etc.) Jesus said He is the good shepherd. So people who claim to be personal shepherds are directly competing with that role. For a certain (very short) period of time, this may be ok for some people, but as John the baptist said, “He (Jesus) must become greater and greater, and I (the personal shepherd) must become less and less.” In shepherding ministries, it’s the other way around. People start out with the spiritual experience of their deep love to Jesus who redeemed them. But then they get “training”, and the human shepherd comes to the fore. 1 Peter 5 explains these things very well, it also explains that there must be a m:n relationship between human shepherds and sheep. I.e. there must be a plurality of elders=shepherds who consider each other equal (Peter wrote “I appeal as a fellow elder”, not “as a top elder” or “general director”), and there must be a plurality of sheep (Peter wrote about God’s “flock”). 1:1 relationships are always dangerous if they get spiritualized and loaden with authority. The shepherds/elders are to oversee (not lord over) God’s (not their) flock (as a whole).

That’s the deep fundamental and systematic problem of all shepherding and discipling ministries.

I’ve stated for over a half dozen years now that a horrific glaring blind spot of a “shepherding ministry” is that for all intents and practical purposes the shepherd or the leader is equivalent to or literally functions as the Holy Spirit, whom you better not question, challenge, refute, disagree with, or disobey…

The most serious problem with the above is that many have no clue whatsoever that they are like this, and that they are NOT communicating the gentleness and humility of Christ (Mt 11:29).

This is one of the most relevant to me:

In God’s Name

The former ubf member in the article explains three stages of abuse. I can see examples of this in liveforCHRIST’s comments here lately.

I think ubf shepherds and sheep need to learn what spritual abuse is and how to recognize it. ubf sheep need to learn how to counteract spiritual abuse. The bible exhorts shepherds to take care of God’s flock, bearing with those with weaker consciences or faith. But in ubf, the weak will get steamrolled.

Here are the three stages of spiritual abuse defined by a former ubf member 27 years ago:

Stage 1 – Love bombing
“Shepherds display what is apparently unconditional acceptance and affection for the recruit,” Brauns said. “If you are shy and a bit insecure, that environment makes you feel safe and more open to what they have to say.

Stage 2 – Isolation
“If they can cut you away from your friends, family and the people you trust, then they can replace them and totally surround your life.”

“Brauns said his shepherd told him his parents wouldn’t understand his new commitment and would probably persecute him for it. When that happened, the shepherd explained, he would know Satan was working through them.”

“The shepherd also pushes for financial commitments to UBF, he said. Brauns said his shepherd told him the minimum contribution was $50 a month. By his last year in UBF, he said he was paying $200 a month to the group.

Stage 3 – Ego destruction
Brauns said when he left home and moved in with UBF members, stage three — ego destruction — began. He said he fell in love with another recruit, but because such feelings are considered evil by the group, he did not tell his shepherd. “When my shepherd found out she nailed me to the wall. She constantly worked on me, yelled at me everyday, rebuking me, hammering at all my areas of weakness and telling me what a rotten sinner I was.”

One thing though that we are perhaps explicitly guilty of is the exaltation of our ministry characteristics. We tend to champion our model of discipleship, missionary sending and 1:1 bible study, specifically. If one is forced or strongly guided into these narrow paradigms, then this could be translated as abusive activity; at the least, it is spiritually unhealthy. We think that because we teach the Bible, we are particularly unique and therefore special above other ministries. It is a wonderful aspect of our ministry which is deeply needed. But we need to repent if we exalt the ministry because of this because each part of the body has its own unique, beautiful characteristic. Off the top of my head, I can see a few things that we sorely lack: lack of awareness about social justice issues and also how to integrate the Bible into work and family life. We are just now beginning to skim the surface on the topic of the so-called ‘house-church’. There is almost no mention of the former. Anyway, I wish that we (UBF community) could have a healthy dialogue about this, but it seems as though we’re just not ready. It’s as though we don’t want to admit our faults. I’m not asking for a head-hunting, tribunal, but just for people to admit that we have deficiencies and also perhaps for individuals to admit past faults so that we can move forward and improve. For now, the only thing that gives me solace is being able to bring my past wounds to the foot of the cross. Also, reading books and dialoguing with Christians outside of the ministry helps me to see my deficiencies and grow. Human reconciliation within the ministry is another matter however, which I don’t see being a possibility unless there is a powerful work of the Holy Spirit in our midst.

Issues with UBF are not nearly that bad (but I must say sometimes it does feel that bad!) These movies have been rather therapeutic to me this past year. I just watched Hugo and found it very relevant, not to “fight against the man”, but to find a way to fix what is broken, which is love.

I find that I must be careful of interpreting such movies in light of my own paradigm, for the danger is to live in a fantasy world fighting an enemy that doesn’t exist. Still, the parallels of these movies to parts of my life are striking:

Tangled

Good

Downfall

Muppets

Wrecked

IronClad

The Lorax

Hugo 

Your family’s situation seems to be the same as mine, as well as quite a few other families I’ve meet this past year. I was simply astounded to find out that I was not alone, and that “it wasn’t just me!”.

You point out an important issue that hits home with me: I found salvation in Jesus during a UBF conference in 1988. I refuse to cut UBF out of my journey of life, as some have. Like it or not, UBF is part of my history.

Despite what some may misinterpret from my blogging, I contend that 98% of what I experienced in UBF was good. The structure and discipline was helpful. I am not against discipline. I am not against authority. For years I had a “shape up or ship out” attitude. I told people who left UBF, that they should just “man-up” or “suck it up” and deal with it. But lately God is showing me how harmful my attitude was. Human conscience and human emotion are necessary parts of humanity that my attitude was crucifying. As a Christian, I should be marked by grace and compassion, as well as a fearless contention for the faith of the gospel.

Part of why I have been so “flint-headed” lately is to counter-act the hard-headedness that I found when I raised one simple question 9 years ago, and again when I raised just a few issues last year. To those who remain so callous and call themselves leaders, I will remain “flint-headed” and will fight fearlessly to protect the harm that has been done to others. 

So although I too thank God for His work during my time in UBF, and will likely even continue some of the good spiritual disciplines I learned there, in the end I will never be allowed to return because I did the unthinkable. I did the unforgiveable act of rejecting my shepherd’s authority to control my life. And for that I do not apologize. 

After being in UBF for 24 years, I found that my humanity was almost gone. I tried to be a super-apostle, crucifying all of my humanity. But now, I fully believe that my conscience, my freedom of mind, my integrity and my feelings are not meant to be crucified. 

God can and does violate human wisdom, but I contend that God never violates logic. God is just and righteous. And God intends to redeem humanity. We should not be bloody butchers crucifying our humanity left and right.

So we answer what is “balanced” fundamentally by ensuring that our religion does not crucify our humanity. Especially our freedom of mind should not be violated by whatever religion we pursue.

The authoritarianism Ben speaks of in this article does not happen instantly in most cases. It is more like a slow process of yielding control to your shepherd and leaders that takes many years.

Seriously, I’m glad you shared this, Ben, although it is still a very painful subject for me. The picture of the bodybuilder is actually a picture of me. This is not my physical picture (since I am more of the 98-pound weakling type!). But this is a good picture of what my spiritual body must have looked like a couple years ago. (the Bible does declare that we have a spiritual body by the way). Let me explain.

There is a huge difference between the strength of a bodybuilder and the strength of a farmer. My family grew up as farmers so I’ve seen the strength of farmers. A bodybuilder has muscles on muscles, and looks impressive. But a farmer has endurance and strength that matters for real life tasks. I am certain my dad could have put this bodybuilder to shame in a wood-chopping exercise.

The bodybuilder’s muscles are for show and don’t have much practical use. In fact, when a bodybuilder reaches the point in this picture, he looks grotesque to most of us.  And in fact, the bodybuilder at this point only tries to protect his body, which is beautiful in his mind. He actually stops doing a lot of normal activity and focuses on preparing for the next bodybuilding show.

These days my pastors ask this question most often: What would that look like? From a spiritual perspective, I would have looked like this bodybuilder up until a few years ago. I had spiritual discipline upon spiritual discipline. I went “fishing”. I had “1 to 1” studies with sheep. I gave Sunday “messages”. I did “daily bread”. At one point I made sure my checklist of religious duties was bigger than anyone else’s, spending 30 to 40 hours per week in UBF activities in addition to family and a full time job.

But I didn’t know how to talk to my wife. I didn’t know how to build a friendship. My  conscience became numb to horrific acts. What good is my religion and all my “muscles” if I can’t live as a human being and love my fellow man? 

“It is the struggle of the natural man for self-justification. He finds it only in comparing himself with others, in condemning and judging others. Self-justification and judging others go together, as justification by grace and serving others go together.”
 
“Strong and weak, wise and foolish, gifted or ungifted, pious or impious, the diverse individuals in the community, are no longer incentives for talking and judging and condemning and thus excuses for self-justification. They are rather cause for rejoicing in one another and serving one another.”
 
 
“The sin of resentment that flares up so quickly in the fellowship indicates again and again how much false desire for honor, how much unbelief, still smolders in the community.”
 
“Therefore my sin is the worst. He who would serve his brother in the fellowship must sink all the way down to these depths of humility. How can I possibly serve another person in unfeigned humility if I seriously regard his sinfulness as worse than my own?”
 
 
“Genuine spiritual authority is to be found only where the ministry of hearing, helping, bearing, and proclaiming is carried out. Every cult of personality that emphasize the distinguished qualities, virtues and talents of another person, even though these be of an altogether spiritual nature, is worldly and has no place in the Christian community.” 

Spiritually abusive leaders are always unbalanced biblically. These leaders need to distinguish themselves from all the rest of uninformed believers and leaders. They need to be “special” or distinctive. They will do this by becoming strainers of gnats concerning a particular doctrine or issue. Whether it is the prophetic movement, the King James Only movement, or the movement that says spiritual gifts need to be in a special service for believers only, or the ones that demand that the verse by verse method of bible teaching “must” be taught on Sunday mornings. (this is actually in the agreement charter of a major charismatic organization today) they will become out of balance doctrinally by emphasizing their distinctive so that they can claim that “God is on their side.”

So how do we define what is balanced?

Personal Revelation? Is it what my interpretation of scripture is?

Consensus? Do I need 30 people to agree with me? Most Churches could find 30 people.

Tradition? Many churches turn to tradition and yet accuse each other of still being biblical unbalanced?

Financial growth? There are many prosperity ministries out there that are doing pretty well for themselves despite.

Church growth? Tons of Churches have grown dramatically and then are dismantled.

Joy of congregants? Despite heretical doctrines, Mormons are often admired for their
happiness and joy.

Withstanding the test of time? Again, see Mormons.  

So how do we define what is balanced?

Yet, God has been pouring out his grace to me! I know it. I’m overwhelmed by it. I love him with fear and trembling. My gratitude for his grace tears me up.

I agree with you on this point: “The authority and control seized by UBF shepherds at times is overwhelming. It is overreaching. I do not believe that this is God’s will or purpose for his church.” But I do believe that God is doing His own thing. He always does. Sometimes we just can’t figure it out.

I am indebted to your friendship and prayers. Being silent is great. Being vocal sometimes is also great. In my case, I know I need to learn silence more…but seemingly always fail! So I need Jesus.

Yeah, I love the picture too! Sometimes I have more fun looking for a picture than writing the article.