Rebecca Kim expresses her angst in dealing with this in her 2001 open letter:

“I realized that I was in a religious group in which one leader was exercising power as if he were God. If the leader was against me, then certainly, I would feel the crushing weight of an iron wheel. But I did not expect that he would stoop to turning my husband against me, and I was unprepared for what was to come.”

(her letter and the letter of her late husband is here on my blog: A Pact of Silence – letter links to the Kim letters at the bottom of the article)

The “divide and conquer” approach was evident when I became “troublesome” and filled with an “evil spirit” and in need of “prayers” in 2011. The Toledo ubf leaders arranged a special meeting at my house. 2 men leaders were going to meet with me, and 2 women leaders were going to meet with my wife.

I called off the meeting and refused to let them visit. I did this by phone and told them literally this was bullsh*t.

I am not the one to tell you what to do, i don’t know you. Yet i have a wish for you: May you take this Situation to take your own decision, as for the ministry you go to, and the Person you love to marry .. even the bible says, that a man will leave his parents and be one with his wife

i hope God will set you free and give you a beautiful outcome, surprising and great, in new freedom do be able to marry this Girl you love (and loves you)

I cannot quantify it (and there is surely a wide variation), but generally speaking it seems to me that insistence on 2nd gens regarding UBF practices (fishing, feeding sheep, writing testimonies, marrying by faith, etc) is much more accommodating and tolerant, compared to the pressure, encouragement and guilt-tripping that some indigenous Bible students have experienced, as Forests shared.

I am considering writing a post: “What’s the big deal if someone leaves UBF.” Many children of missionaries have already left UBF, but there is hardly anything said about them leaving. But woe if some long standing indigenous UBF shepherd leaves UBF…

“They would not impose on their own sons and daughters the same kind of control they imposed on us. The double standards are as plain as day.” – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2012/06/20/marriage-by-faith-should-no-dating-be-a-church-policy/#comment-11599

This is a core problem with many Christians stuck in a bible fantasy worldview. Another example is that Christian parents will typically only start to learn the reality about LGBT people when their own son or daughter is brave enough to come out of the closet, risking their very life just to be who God intended them to be.

ubf missionaries will only come out of their ubf KOPHN fantasy worldview (and realize they have been anti-missionaries mostly) when more and more adult men and women (aren’t all college students adults?) take the risk to speak out for what is right.

The radio show asked people to tell stories about their “best man speech” at their wedding. This is a time-honored tradition in America (maybe elsewhere too). But the people who went through the arranged marriages in ubf can’t tell such stories. There is no best man. There are no brides maids. Maybe now after 50 years there is a “kiss the bride”. We had to argue for “cutting the cake”.

For someone in ubf not yet married, better start preparing to tell you mother and all other family members that they won’t be part of the planning process (if they even have time to know about the process). There won’t be dancing at a reception (if there even is one). For the women, any dream you have of your wedding day will be snuffed out by the smell of kimchee.

Sure there are outliers out there who did fight for a few things. The question facing ubfers is how long will I fight to be myself and to live in my own culture?

Just checking in to see how your situation turned out? There are quite a few others I suspect in the ubf world who struggle with the same dating/marraige issues you mentioned here. Hope things turned out well for you.

It is because some leaders are not “absolute” about Jesus’ clear directive to not lord over others (Mt 20:25-26; Mk 10:42-43; Lk 22:25-26; also 1 Pet 5:3). I preached a sermon on this last Sun in Manila: http://bentohwestloop.blogspot.com/2013/03/shepherds-christian-leaders-are-not-to.html

Although WBC and ubf express their control in different ways, I do find that the words and thoughts of former members of groups like WBC and the Moonies, etc. are extremely helpful to me and my recovery from spiritual abuse.

Some will categorically say, “We are not like that at all!”

Some others might say, “Thank God that UBF is not that extreme in controlling people”

Today, more may be saying, at least privately, “We realize that we have done some bad things, and we are now slowing trying to change,” which I believe is true to a degree.

Of course, some might continue to say, or at least think, “We are the exemplary, exclusive, exceptional, elite soldiers of Christ!”

CNN: Former Member Speaks out

You nailed it Chris. Not only are “sheep” confused, I contend that “shepherds” and directors are also confused in ubf.

ubf shepherds are confused because they presume to have a divine right to interfere in people’s lives. When their “sheep” become upset or angry or display any hint of dis-loyalty or un-thankfulness toward them or ubf in general, the shepherd becomes first angry and then sad, feeling persecuted for being righteous. ubf shepherds end up developing the Korean-specific psychological syndrom called “han”, where they maintain just enough hope to keep persevering, but never pull out of a depressed state of mind. They “recharge” their hope for a ubf kingdom on earth at various ubf conferences, but then that hope dissipates when they return to their mission field and reality sets in.

So they love bible verses that speak of “forgetting what is behind” and “winning the prize”, but they ignore the real power of verses like 1 Peter 4:15, which would clear up their confusion and begin healing them of their “han” thinking: “If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler.” There are many other verses that would bring about healing through reality checks too, such as Ephesians 4:25, James 3:1, Jeremiah 50:6, Ezekiel 34:2, Matthew 11:30, 1 Corinthians 7:21, Galatians 3:1-3.

During my 20+ years in ubf, I heard it said explicitly and implicitly that ubf shepherds, especially directors, are “divine interferrers” and “benevolent dictators” who have been appointed as God’s servants to “serve” young people by intruding into their personal lives, with MbF(TM) being the ultimate “help” and the greatest “blessing” to them.

I think your last sentence above sums up the entire MbF(TM) process:

“Control freaks are encouraged and motivated by others submission.”

Control and submission could easily be two of the “core values” of ubf, right after the number one value of loyalty. And marriage is the ultimate means for gaining control, submission and loyalty all at the same time.

[Here’s a somewhat sad/funny story about control: One time I went on a short-term journey to Seoul, Korea. I stayed for about 8 days. One Korean ubf Director there took me out to a river, where young people supposedly go to find a marriage partner (or some such romantic idea). He kept telling me how I must marry and how he would pray for my marriage. He thought I was a single college student, maybe because I looked and acted much younger than my age. He never thought to ask me how old I was or other personal questions. Yes his English was poor, but that was not the problem. The problem was that he wanted to control my life, and felt he had a divine right to interfere in my life because he was a ubf Director. I had never met the man before this trip. When I realized what was going on, I told him: I am 31 years old! I am already married! and I already have 2 children! My point is that in my experience, most ubf directors are blinded by control and their assumption of their divine right to interfere in other people’s lives.]

So when I was defending ubf, I had to look at myself in a mirror and honestly answer these kinds of questions, and I had to answer them from my heart, with my own mind, making my own decisions:

If my ministry teaches control, preaches control, practices control, promotes control and trains people to be in control of others on a daily basis, what do I call my ministry? How much control am I going to allow my shepherd to have over my life? How long will I submit to ubf authority? Will I commit my entire life to controlling my fellow human beings? Will I allow my children to be controlled by ubf shepherds? Will I allow my wife’s PhD dreams to be controlled by ubf directors?

I’m not sure how long you’ve been in the UBF…My guess is not that long! Most UBF leaders train soldiers and build kingdoms and marriage is a tool they use to bring together two so called soldiers who are ‘trained’ and ‘obedient’ (mainly to their chapter director/leaders) to build these kingdoms. What’s up with these number stats? How many sheep did you feed? How many Bible studies did you do? How many people are you gonna bring to the conference? How many? Why is number so important? Why does a certain chapter director get rebuked for not having ‘enough’ sheep or SWS attendants?

I felt the same a while back; they are the leaders that God appointed, put in place, and gave authority to, so I should obey and not question. That’s exactly what these ‘cult’ type leaders want, full submission to their directives. No questions asked. After you are shamed and ‘convinced’ by the leader that you are in the wrong, you are once again under their control. Control freaks leap for joy when someone submits to their orders and blindly follows them. I hope and pray that is not the case for you! Control freaks are encouraged and motivated by others submission.

The problem for UBF is that they would need to make the whole “marriage by faith” package explicit. As we know, it is not only “no dating”, but also includes arranged marriage, not proposal on your own allowed, the right of directors to cancel marriages any time etc. This policy should be clearly stated in the by-laws, every member should need to explicitly accept these by-laws, and it should also be publicly visible on the homepage under “what we believe” and “about us”. This would entail other problems, however: UBF would need to make a decision whether they want to be an “ordinary student church” (as they sometimes depict themselves wrongly in the public) or a “mission organization with strict rules”. Many of the problems exist because UBF could never make a clear statement about that.

The current situation is this: UBF invites unsuspecting people to their organization, teaches them the Bible, and once they start believing in God and are born again, they are told: “Oh, and by the way, you are member of a very strict organization now, and need to follow our rules. If you violate them, we will tell you that you are unspiritual and your salvation is questionable.”

UBF sells people a complete package, salvation plus calling for mission plus membership in an organization with strict rules. You can’t have one without the other, and that’s why many people are so confused.

would sharing your thoughts of what you feel God wants you to do with your director make things worse than what it already is?

Also, I don’t really see UBF directors as the bad guys… for they are God’s beloved children too and our Father wants them to also live in freedom in His love… so loving the director is important in my opinion… love rejoices in the truth… so what is the truth that God desires for your situation and/or ministry?

Sorry, I hope that didn’t come off in any kind of rude way… they are just questions that came to my mind…

I’ve been in a number of ministries before that discouraged their members from dating. I think that as a policy, it is not necessarily a bad thing, especially for many university-aged young people who may be overly caught-up in pursuing romance–although, I’m not saying that’s you; I don’t actually know you:). I’ve been in churches where the majority of young adults were almost entirely absorbed with dating, who-likes-whom, the drama of break-ups, etc. It made such a bad atmosphere and environment that distracted from properly worshiping, serving, and growing in God. It prevented proper friendships between brothers and sisters and Christian fellowship in the community as a whole.

If a pastor (or in this case UBF leader) clearly and explicitly made a policy that discouraged dating among members, backed up with a clearly-stated rationale, and this policy was made known from the beginning, I wouldn’t have a very big problem with that. In my opinion, the problem comes when rules are
(1) implicit;
(2) not properly explained/rationalized;
(3) are forced on other adults in contradiction to their own conscience; and
(4) are used to condemn those who don’t follow them.

In my view, dating isn’t discouraged primarily because it may lead to immorality or a “loose” atmosphere, but because it opens the possibility that a Bible student will court and marry someone outside of UBF.

Of course, now that we’re spending more time together and interacting in more ways, I’m also experiencing new areas to overcome and grow. I find it strange that after leaving UBF and stopping being so busy, I found many, many immature and undeveloped areas in my life, heart, mind, emotions, and relationships that I hadn’t paid attention to before. Slowly, the Spirit of God is leading me (and my wife too) into wholeness in our ourselves, in our marriage, family, and friendships.

Something to consider: The reasons you mention above were also carried over to the married life after MbF (at least in my part of the ubf world). So the monk-like insistence to live in celibacy continues. Of course, we did have children. But the pressure to be “pure like a single person” was always present.

This Sunday I’m expecting a momentous occasion: I will attend worship service with my new friends and my wife— and we will HOLD HANDS!

I’m so excited and giddy like a teenager going to prom! This will be the first time in 19 years of marriage that I will hold my wife’s hand in church. For our 20th anniversary, we are planning to renew our vows. Heck, I might even get to kiss the bride this time!

* It is for singles to keep their heart pure (Ps 119:9).

* As we already know, some UBF leaders regard it as their absolute right to “shepherd” their sheep in the way that they see best, and a non-negotiable is “Absolutely no dating until you get my permission and blessing!”

* They can NEVER NEVER NEVER allow dating initiated by anyone but the leader. This has NEVER been allowed in UBF. It will destroy the discipleship ministry of the entire UBF chapter, if not the entire UBF world. UBF will become a dating center, not a world mission center.

* Singles must be single-hearted to study the Bible, study for school, go fishing, feed sheep and not be distracted by dating.

* Dating has caused sexual immorality in many churches and youth ministries. This will never happen in UBF.

I am not saying I accept any of the reasons above. But I am sure others can come up with far better reasons to your great question.

Thanks to you, though this sort of unbiblical control has been going on and ongoing for decades, it is being publicized for the 1st time in “real time and living color” before the whole world because of the internet, and not just after the fact from people who left UBF who were abused and traumatized by their “marriage by faith” experiences from their shepherd who dictated and called all the shots regarding every detail of their marriage.

Many prior cases of dissent were squashed with authority coming from the top, so that sincere UBF people who were in love left and married in another church. Or some “played the game” to appease their shepherds, but left soon after they married.

For odd and unhealthy reasons, UBF leadership has often communicated to singles that if you “like” the opposite sex before marriage and before being introduced by your shepherd, you are simply unspiritual, unrepentant, full of lust, and sinning greatly.

I also agree with Ben about this special OPs mentality that UBF has. I have had an occassion where other Christians who are in UBF are considered less spiritual. UBF no better than any other church under Jesus the head.

For example, UBF basically expects that everyone in UBF studies the Bible with a Bible teacher, and that everyone who studies the Bible becomes a Bible teacher who teaches the Bible.

Is this bad or wrong? Not necessarily. But it is narrow and skews toward exclusivism and elitism, as though we in UBF are some sort of God’s Special Ops for Bible teaching.

My question is: Do traditional UBF insiders give and report a fair, balanced viewpoint of UBF?

“Those who view themselves as members of the former group then believe that it is their divine calling to “help” change the members of the latter group.”

I have found that I have an almost uncontrollable urge to treat UBF the way UBF treats former members. It seems to be a ying/yang relationship, not unlike North and South Korea. I am trying to break this pattern in my self, but it is obviously just as difficult for me to stop bashing UBF as it is for UBF directors to comment here. So we are locked in this psychological dilema. This is why I repeat that only God’s divine, irresistible grace can overcome this problem.

Someone asked me this weekend if I could present a more fair, balanced viewpoint of UBF. I said I cannot, right now at least. It may take another 22 years for me to be “balanced” toward UBF. Why? Because as a UBF shepherd I was fully unbalanced and fully believed just as you write, Joshua. I thought people and my self were made only for mission, and world campus mission at that.

All I can do is to remain in the UBF dialogue as I strive to learn the deeper truths of Christianity. Through this 2013 lenten season, I am discovering that my mission is not to change or rebuke UBF leaders or UBF people. My mission is to listen to UBF/ex-UBF people and to speak with UBF/ex-UBF people, all while learning the gospel and listening for God’s voice.

My response to you, Ben, is this: If a human being is created for nothing more than carrying out the work of God, and that work is narrowly defined or understood by those doing it, then, no. If I believe that a person is made primarily for God’s mission, then as a leader within that mission, it is my sacred duty to intrude and bring my authority to bear as much as necessary in that person’s life in order to better fulfill said mission. I believe that the prevalence of authoritarianism in UBF is not a problem of controlling leadership or excessive power, but a misunderstanding of what it means to be a human being and a de-valuing of people from human people into merely agents of God’s work. The result is the whole world is split in two: those who are properly doing God’s work (as we understand it) and those who are not. Those who view themselves as members of the former group then believe that it is their divine calling to “help” change the members of the latter group.

UBF has a serious major problem because the shepherd or missionary absolutely believes that it is their non-negotiable right over the lives and marriages of those under their stewardship.

Isn’t this a violation of the rights/boundaries of a human being? Isn’t this a very serious violation of biblical truth that distorts the truth that Jesus is Lord (1 Cor 12:3)? Isn’t the shepherd or missionary acting as though they are God over the lives of others? Doesn’t this cause people to fear a man in the church more than God?

Should UBF continue to allow or tolerate or say nothing about what liveforChrist is presently experiencing???

How do you distinguish between God telling you and your shepherd telling you? What is the difference?

“Does anyone know how long these trainings are…?”

> It ends when you “behave” the way your bible teacher/pastor/director wants you to behave! Any challenge to their authority will undoubtedly result in more training!

“And what the point is?”

> By fear and intimidation they gain more and more control over your life. Eventually you start to think that unless you abide by UBF ‘guidelines’ or ‘UBF theology’ you are outside of God’s will and in need of more training! In short, to teach you who is the “top dog!”

Generally, I think it is a big problem that fundamentalist churches raise up their kids in a way that they easily become hypocrites, behaving differently in school and in church. This may also explain why many 2nd gens are so silent about the problems in their church. Integrity and honesty is not really a value that you learn and train in the church environment. But you quickly learn that it is important to follow the rules and keep up appearances.

It appears to me that you have been dating honorably with the consciousness of God in your heart.

It’s been a few days since you posted about your most recent situation… just thought I’d share a few links with you in response to your situation.. (especially if you’re kinda anxious…romance can do that to us young folks)

1) No matter what kind of looks or persecution you get in life, I pray you may know that you are Daddy God’ beloved son… This is a man named Leif’s story of Pappa’s love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O41AbkNpB1o

2) Other people have also experienced some issues when going after a relationship even if it’s the one God intends… The speaker at this year’s Well retreat, John Martin shares a bit of his story… here is the recording: https://www.dropbox.com/s/p73tjwr06aefxha/Session%204%20John%20Martin.mp3

Another sermon I also enjoy which talks about one man’s issues in getting agreeance for his now spouse is Pastor Christian (from New Philly church in Korea)… here is the link to that: http://www.newphiladelphiachurch.com/podcast/2012/2012.10.28.sun%20-%20Stop%20Negotiating%20With%20God%20-%20cl.mp3

3)Another recent semon by “PC” which reminds us that God does care about our desires: http://www.newphiladelphiachurch.com/podcast/2013/Hillside/2013.02.24.sun%20-%20Delight%20Yourself%20in%20the%20Lord%20-%20cl.mp3

May the Holy Spirit continue to guide all of your ways and decisions. Peace.

Just a side note: One of the first things I did after leaving ubf was to replace the podium in our house with a 42 inch high def TV. And I feel no guilt over doing so.

One thing to note after MbF is that “no dating” becomes “no vacation”. Our family finally started going to Disney World in the summer. And it is awesome! And yes we now started making new friends having their families and our kid’s friends over for pizza and games (Note: Yes you can go ahead and blame Mickey Mouse for my criticism of ubf if you want to :)

“people constantly telling me to repent”
> Yes, the gospel in ubf is defined as “repent in order to get forgiveness”. This is a false gospel. It is upside down in fact.

“writting our situation in a message”
> This always goes on in ubf. It is the “secret weapon” of a ubf director. They normally are not explicit, but the pulpit in ubf is routinely used (yes even today in 2013) as a means of controlling people’s behaviors. Your shepherd knows you so well that just the mention of a specific verse or phrase will trigger guilt that motivates you to do something he wants. And he knows this well. As a director myself, I received much training to know how to do this.

“we all make mistakes”
> Don’t let this become a justification for the sinful intrusion into your life by ubf shepherds.

“they only know one side of the story”
> Yes. And ubf will spin a new, make-believe side of the story, trying to break you down until you come to “realize” that your “only hope” is to accept the identity of a “ubf shepherd”.

Unfortunately, the Bible does not speak much about dating in the New Testament. Most places in the New Testament recommend to not marry at all. So if you take the Bible literally and apply it to today, then UBF’s obsession with marrisage is completely non-Biblical anyway. But look at the terms the Bible is using when speaking about the marriage process. 1Cor 7:27 uses the expression “look for a woman” (or “seek a wife”). Even if this context again does not recommend to marry, it still assumes that the normal process to marry is to “look for a woman” (actively). Similarly 1Cor 7:39 uses the expression “she is free to marry anyone she wishes“. Even if this context about widows, it again assumes that the normal process is that you marry someone who you like, not who somebody else chose for you. In the OT you find the expression “This is what the LORD commands for Zelophehad’s daughters: They may marry anyone they please…” The only limitation in the Bible seems to be that the Israelites should marry in their tribes, or today, that Christians should marry Christians (but they should not seek divorce even if their spouse is not a Christian). From all of this it is clear that actively looking for a spouse is the normal way to marry, and dating is a reasonable form to do that.

Note that not only the Bible gives you the right to marry (1Cor 7:28; 9:5) according to your conscience, but it is also part of the declaration of human rights: “Men and women of full age … have the right to marry and to found a family.” (Article 16). And also “No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation.” (Article 12). If UBF forbids you to marry, interferes with your privacy and shames you publicly, attacking your reputation, they are violating 3 human rights all at once.

UBF may object that for instance, the Catholic church also forbids priests to marry. But the difference is that this is a well-defined and well-known rule, it has a name “Celibacy” and is clearly written down and regulated in the “Codex Iuris Canonici” in Canon 277 § 1. UBF however, does not make their marriage policy public. It is not written down on their website, or their by-laws or anywhere else. Usually, it is not even spoken out. Or did you ever hear your chapter director explicitly state in a Sunday sermon “dating is forbidden” or “dating is sin”? It’s one of those “unwritten laws” or “unspoken rules” that are hallmarks of any spiritually abusive church. The leaders know very well that as soon as they would write down or speak out these rules, it would become obvious how ridiculous they actually are. If they speak about it at all, they use code language and euphemisms such as “marriage by faith”. I urge everyone to read the book “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse” to understand what’s going on. It was an eye-opener for me.

A great quote by Martin Luther in his preface to his commentary on Galatians:

“There is no middle ground between Christian righteousness and works-righteousness. There is no other alternative to Christian righteousness but works righteousness; if you do not build your confidence on the work of Christ you must build your confidence on your own work.”

Now liveforChrist has to “earn” his righteousness through his training, which is work righteousness.

As you rightly say, all of these bonds imposes a non-negotiable stranglehold loyalty to God in UBF. As the Eagles song “Hotel California” says, “You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave.”

Student felt suffocated by Bible group

I assume Lee had at strong grip on you for many years because he arranged your marriage, and it was surely an important reason for you to be loyal. Since Lee does not live any more and you have “emancipated” yourself from UBF, that grip does not exist any more, but I bet people like Sarah Barry will still remind you that you need to be thankful for your marriage etc. when you start criticizing things in UBF.

In order to control people and force them to obey, UBF needs “levers” to have a grip on people. One of these levers is to make them believe that the leaders are special servants of God with special authority. They let you deliver many testimonies in which you confess your sins, while the leaders never share their testimonies and confess real sins. This gives you the impression that you are a miserable and clueless sinner, while they are flawless people of God who don’t struggle with sin and always know the direction. The other levers are based on thankfulness. The strongest one is the lever that you have been saved through UBF. You can’t ever pay this back. It’s an eternal thing, so you need to be eternally thankful. The second strongest lever is arranging your marriage. This shows that you not only owe your salvation to them, but also your happy marriage and family life. So they can expect you to pay that back, too, and be always thankful to them and never question them. They see all this Bible study and shepherding of a person as an “investment” that pays back when the person has become completely dependent and obedient, as if the shepherd now “owns” that person.

For me, I the line between God’s discipline and my shepherd’s discipline became blurred after about 5 or 6 years. I could no longer distinguish between obeying God and obeying UBF.

What would help me (and maybe others) is an article on how to tell the difference? How do you protect your heart and soul and mind, and yet still obey God?

For example, in the past all people has was paper with limited reach. Doesn’t this man’s story from 1986 sound all too familiar to liveforchrist?

————————————

“They just kept working on me till finally I broke. At one meeting I just started weeping in front of everyone. I wept for an hour.” “When Samuel Lee saw that I had finally reached that point, then they could redeem me,” he said.

“It’s a classical brainwashing technique used on prisoners of war. They get you to the breaking point and then they become your redeemers and rebuild you in the image they have for you.”

The last stage is a series of loyalty tests to exact complete obedience from the recruit to God, which is really UBF, he said, and leaders will resort to physical abuse if stubborn members refuse to break.

Brauns said Lee was revered as a Christ figure and wielded tremendous power over the lives of individual members in the group, including personally arranging marriages between members.”

Source: In God’s Name

What do you think?

If the subject of obedience is “God,” it may be OK. But unfortunately the subject of obedience is often “your shepherd.” This is anthropocentricity.

“You would think the task of a missionary is a gospel, but they think it is much more, they think their task is to raise people up like little children, to make them obedient and dependent and copy their own practices and teachings. In their view, it’s not yours to make important decisions about your life.”

If you want to make a ubf missionary nervous, ask him What is the gospel? Find out if your missionary can articulate the gospel that Jesus proclaimed. Isn’t that the basic qualification to be a Christian missionary?

Many years ago (while I was still a ubf loyalist) I asked my ubf shepherd something about the gospel. He just said I should find out what the person I’m talking to believes. So if you are talking someone and they believe “abc” about the gospel, you believe “abc”. If they believe “xyz” then you believe “xyz”. Then he quoted 1 Corinthians 9:22. From that moment I knew he didn’t know the gospel of Jesus. I’ve been praying for him ever since.

We former members must remember that we are dealing with spiritual forces here. We cannot fight against flesh and blood. From my two decades of experience, I have observed that the actions of many ubf missionaries reveal that they actually believe the following:

1. The Holy Spirit is not God who should be obeyed, but a magical force that gives us energy to work hard.

2. Our spiritual fellowship is with a binary god: Father and Son.

3. The gospel is articulated as “submit to your shepherd” (based on verses like John 14:23).

4. Your ubf shepherd is your parent, with full parental rights and authority, which supersede birthright parental rights (based on Esau who sold his birthright).

5. The supreme mission from God is to make people loyal to ubf, to turn them into ubf evangelists.

These spiritual ideas are what we former members are fighting against. If there is anything to “change”, change the actions that demonstrate these beliefs.

You can be sure that nobody in your church will ever tolerate dating. You are not respected as an adult person; they believe you are a child and they are your “spiritual parents”, and they will continue to do so, even if you will be over 30.

You would think the task of a missionary is a gospel, but they think it is much more, they think their task is to raise people up like little children, to make them obedient and dependent and copy their own practices and teachings. In their view, it’s not yours to make important decisions about your life. Your task is to obey given directions, not finding directions on your own. Read the title of Sarah Barry’s sermon at the staff conference today: “Ezra devoted himself to study, obey and teach the Bible.” This is exactly what they want you to do. There is no room for making your own decisions or having your own life. They also want to get you to a point where you believe that everything you have, you owe to them and you have to be forever thankful and loyal to them. One of the best ways for them to do that is to arrange your marriage (see the article “If Not For UBF I Would Not Be Married”). However, if you arrange your marriage yourself, then they do not have this grip on you in your future.

It’s hard to withstand their sad faces and everything they do to manipulate you into feeling guilt. But don’t allow them to manipulate your feelings. I remember how my shepherdess even wept in my 1:1 Bible study because I stopped “fishing” on the campus and said I wouldn’t bring anybody to UBF any more until UBF reforms itself. But she had already lost any credibility for me at that time anyway, since when I told her about forced abortions in UBF and many other evil things, she did not weep a single tear. If you feel you’re manipulated, and if you feel you’re not strong enough to withstand that manipulation, follow Brian’s advice and stay away from them.

Also, if possible, find good friends who you trust, who are not tainted with UBF teachings and with whom you can discuss these things. If you are alone, and everybody is telling you that you do something wrong, it’s difficult to not doubt your own thoughts. Maybe, if you’re parents are not in UBF, speak with them. They love you and will be glad if your open your heart to them, not to strangers.

Generally I don’t like giving advice and I always encourage people in ubf to find a reason to stay in ubf.

But given the nature of your public comments, I would have to say: Run for the hills. Get out. Make a clean break. Wallowing around in indecisive guilt is not healthy.

It’s a somewhat well-known guide among former ubf members that it takes the same number of years you were in ubf to detox from ubf. So I expect I need about 24 years to recover from 24 years in ubf. It is clear that the 2 years I’ve had away from ubf is not nearly enough time for me to recover.

Your words remind me of the following newspaper article, from the first ubf attempt to pioneer Columbus Ohio, when a former ubf member was interviewed:

“Sometimes when I dated in college, it was nothing more than going to church on Sunday morning and then taking her to the dining hall for lunch in the afternoon and a walk in the park that evening.But the fact that I had dated a lot of different girls, I was made to feel like a womanizer or almost like a male prostitute, somebody who’s really bad in a sense.”

[These older articles from the ’80s and ’90s are resonating with my experiences in 2011 until now. The stories are the same: excessive control and manipulation (which is called spiritual abuse) and ubf leaders/members denying all of it.]

I sympathize with you! I agree with Brian! “Fighting” with your director will be neither helpful nor beneficial! You cannot change an old wineskin mind-set that’s stuck in the same gear, even if you tried! They will not listen to your explanation. They will not listen to your concerns. They will not be willing to work with you, unless you do as they say and blindly obey out of fear and intimidation. As Chris and Brian both mentioned, the road is going to be difficult, however you live for Christ not for your director. If you feel that they are controlling you and coercing you to keep the UBF heritage and ‘marry by faith’, you have, I believe, no obligation to remain in the ministry.

If you are in the USA or Canada, you might be in luck. If so, your director is certainly at the staff conference. Perhaps you could reach out to Ben or Joe and they could go all “Dirty Harry” on your director :)

But seriously, I think you have a tough road ahead, depending on how intertwined your life is with ubf. The answer I think is just what your nickname says: live for Christ. So I would do that. I would first surrender to grace and remember that Jesus loves you and that won’t change regardless of how you are treated by your director.

Fighting with a Korean director will get you nowhere. You have to either play his game or just speak your mind. But whatever you do, you are realizing what I realized a while ago. Your ubf director’s supreme concern is passing on the ubf heritage, and that requires your loyalty.

UBF leaders taught me that I am not “my own man”. This teaching is based on John 21:18. I accepted this. The result was that I lost my identity and my conscience. I found now that John 21:18 has nothing to do with giving my identity and my conscience to UBF.

The “marriage test” in UBF is the final binding of your identity and conscience to UBF ideology.

To crucify the desires of the flesh (as in Colossians 3:5) has NOTHING to do with crucifying your identity or your conscience!

Sing the Bon Jovi song: “It’s my life!”. It is your life. It is my life too. We should respect leaders and submit to authority, but we do not give them our souls. Christians belong to Jesus. Jesus is the one who bought our life, not UBF and not anyone else.

Apostle Paul speaks of our conscience quite a bit, so it is clear that our conscience is something we don’t massacre, as in Hebrews 9:14 “How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!”

But why then, does UBF leadership DEMAND “marriage by faith” in order to continue on in UBF? How many thousands of potentially good Christian single people had to leave UBF because they could not or did not want to “marry by faith”?

Is there even one example of someone who did not “marry by faith” and became a leader or director in UBF?

My advice to anyone on this matter is: make your own decision (and by “your” I mean you and your date).

I would accept input and advice, but MAKE SURE such life-altering, major commitments are 100% the decision you both can live with.

UBF people like to use subtle ways to bind your marriage commitment to UBF commitment. Don’t do it. If you bind those commitments together, and then later try to change your mind, you will find a yourself in a very dark, lonely place. There are numerous testimonies of UBF leaders threatening divorce and encouraging divorce if the UBF commitment is in danger of being broken.

One of my friends got “married by faith” not too long ago. Clearly the two commitments were bound together (to marriage and to UBF). A couple weeks after marrying by faith, his wife disappeared. A few months later they had no choice but to divorce.

One final note: Given the result of the UBF 50th anniversary material, it is clear that UBF is not healthy right now. I think they can be in the future, but it would be best to not make major life decisions with UBF input these days (unless you talk to Dr. Ben of course :)

I can only say that in my UBF chapter in Germany 10 years ago, and from what I heard of others in most other chapters as well, all marriages were arranged by UBF leaders, and dating was absolutely forbidden. To give an example from my former UBF chapter, when it turned out that two members had dated and wanted to marry, they were shamed as having fallen into sin, they were told to repent, the less loyal member was told to leave the chapter and receive “training” in a different chapter, and the more loyal member was told to break up the relationship. The chapter leader obviously wanted to make an example of them so that nobody would ever try that again. Interestingly, the rules they had violated (“no dating” and “no marriage proposal on your own”) never had been stated explicitly in our chapter, nor are they official rules anywhere else in UBF. They are “unspoken rules” which are a typical characteristic of spiritual abusive system. But I believe real love can overcome all circumstances. In the end, the couple married anyway and are still happily together, but they had to make a tough decision, namely to leave UBF, all of their UBF friends, and what they assumed to be their “calling”, and go to another church in order to marry. None of their former UBF friends and shepherds attended the wedding ceremony. In your chapter, the policy may be less strict. UBF has changed a bit since then, and it all depends on the chapter leader. But there are still chapters following that strict policy, and just as it has never been officially admitted, it has also never been officially renounced.

Pray that your heart truly delights in Christ more than in the person you are dating.