Wanting to be a “tough sh_t Dirty Harry,” it was hard, shameful, embarrassing, weak, vulnerable, impossible and unlike me to ever say that, “Yes, I was hurt by UBF (one or more people).”

Every bone in my body screamed out, “I cannot and will not say I was hurt. I am a man. I believe in Jesus. I cannot show that I was hurt. I am just going to take it and show them.” Perhaps, others too egged me on to remain this way, or to make me feel shame for feeling, thinking, saying that I was hurt.

But strangely, the moment I could say clearly and boldly and loudly and openly and transparently and continually that “Yes, I was hurt by UBF,” God began to touch my soul. Probably, it was because I cared.

In some sense it is as though “God saved me through UBF. Then God saved me from UBF (even if I am still in UBF).” I never ever saw this coming. It is a mysterious, marvelous, magnificent and majestic grace. Truly.

http://howtotalkevangelical.addiezierman.com/?p=879

But I think the problems mentioned in the article are not even caused by real spiritual abuse, but by problems inherent in the traditional Evangelical Christianity itself. These problems, many of which have also been discussed on this website, come on top of the even more serious particular problems of UBF style Christianity which includes personal shepherding, marriage by faith, spiritual order and many cult-like practices and behaviors that do not exist in ordinary Evangelical churches. Again, please read the 1976 open letter and other testimonies or the newspaper articles recently posted by Brian. You won’t find such things in ordinary Evangelical churches; they are something only known from extreme “shepherding/discipling” groups (such as the ICOC or the “Lauderdale Five” who have meanwhile renounced these teachings though). So in my view, UBF has to struggle with three problems: 1) The special UBF “heritage” which is a bundle of practices and teachings that is highly problematic as it is not in line with the Gospel and inevitably leads to spiritual abuse 2) the fundamental, general challenges of fundamentalist Evangelical Christianity addressed in that article, and 3) the problem of reconciliation of the hurt and division that has been done in the past, and the admittance of and repentance for past sins and wrongdoings.

As you say, reconciliation and sincere apology is necessary. But if the old practices and teachings are not officially renounced and abolished, the same abuse will happen again. You don’t need to be a prophet to be able to predict this. What people need to recognize is that there is something deeply and fundamentally wrong with the UBF “system”, with many of its core practices and teachings. And we really need to discern these particular issues of shepherding/discipling from the other more general problems of many Evangelical churches.

By the way, when I say the serious issues are in the system, not in the people, and if we deeply recognize that, this will facilitate reconciliation. In my view, Samuel Lee did some evil things not because he was an evil man, but because he too was a victim of the system he created, a system in which the leaders were only flattered, never controlled, never held accountable and in which they had virtually unlimited power over “their” sheep. “Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely” as the saying goes. This system that gave people such absolute power and which was not in line with elementary teachings of Jesus (like those in Mt 23) is the real problem that needs to be tackled. What makes people like Brian so furious is that instead of finally recognizing and admitting that, UBF endorsed and confirmed their bond to that system on their 50th anniversary. In my view, all attempts to reconcile won’t really solve the problem if the old leaven is not purged out with an “absolute attitude” (to use UBF jargon).

What I meant was that we will no longer accept another sinner trying to change us outside of a healthy loving Christian relationship. I think I learned this lesson to a great extent through teaching high school students.

In the beginning of my teaching career, I was having a great amount of difficulty and experiencing a great amount of frustration. I knew the material well. I understood good teaching practices to some extent. However, my students were simply not responding. And I was responding poorly. I yelled, even screamed, quite a bit. It was a miserable experience.

I went to Tuf and Emily Francis for some advice, since they had quite a bit more experience than me. After explaining what was going on in the classroom, Emily asked me, “Do you love them?” I could honestly answer, “No-some of them I downright loathe!”

The following year, I was assigned to a different school that did not have a great reputation. However, I was committed to simply loving my students. This seriously was the turning point in my career as a teacher. I had a wonderful year and students really responded well. I really found that my teaching would never be effective, even though I had all of the correct knowledge, unless I loved my students and they could see that love.

My point is therefore, that teaching, encouraging, rebuking, and correcting are activities that are useful and effective only when built on a solid foundation of unconditional love and respect. I listened to Tuf and Emily because I loved them and respected their work as teachers, and also because I recognized what they said as true. My students listened to me only when they could see that I truly loved them.

So what I really meant was that I would no longer accept an unloving manager/director/teacher.

Thanks for the congratulations Joe! I’m a little anxious, but very excited. Hope to see you guys soon as well.

“A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. But my brothers are as undependable as intermittent streams…” (Job 6:14-15a)

It sounds to me as though Job is saying a person’s friends should remain committed to him/her even if he/she stops fearing God, and even positively forsakes the fear of God. Such a person would be explicitly rejecting God and His ways, intentionally and openly defying God. We have been tempted to stop being devoted to other people even just because they’ve left our church/ministry. But even if they forsake the fear of the Almighty!!! Wow.

I found myself asking whether this is really a “biblical” statement of something that’s true, or whether it’s only Job’s opinion. I believe this is in line with the kind of priority Jesus puts on love and relationships when He tells us (for example),

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” (Mt. 5:23,24)

Jesus let Himself become guilty and completely offensive to God on the cross (He became sin and a curse for us) in order that His brothers and sisters could be reconciled to Him. Amazingly, in doing this God vindicated Him by raising Him from the dead.

Our worship of God and our service to God may be meaningless if we don’t make reconciliation a major priority. I find this to be very intense, and I want to grow as a person who prioritizes in practice what God prioritizes, though it is too hard to accomplish on my own. I also pray for grace and discernment for those who need to be reconciled to find out how we can do this, especially in the cases where the hurt runs so deep that it seems naturally impossible. Have mercy, Lord Jesus.

For the past year or so, I have been acting based on my personal plan of reconciliation. I came up with this plan after discovering the realizations above and also after being inspired by reading “Once An Arafat Man“. Tass Saada’s roadmap for peace inspired me to do my part in the ministry of reconciliation. Except for a few rants and raves here and there, this is what has been guiding my actions.

1. Demonstrate how deep and profound the wounds of former and current members really are.

2. Explain the pattern of work that has hindered the ministry of reconciliation.

3. Communicate to ubf and ex-ubf people around the world that they are not alone.

4. Articulate a deeper and more clear understanding of the magnificent, wondrous gospel of Jesus.

I am sensing that these four actions will never be fully completed this side of Heaven, and yet I also sense that my role in this plan is over.

I don’t know what new role I’ll now play, but I will certainly continue to do one thing: listen to ubf and ex-ubf people.

Here is my insight from when I was a ubf director and “mr. ubf” going around the internet defending ubf profusely:

I knew our actions in ubf caused harm to others, but I didn’t realize the following.

I didn’t realize how deeply and profoundly hurtful our actions had been, and I didn’t want to find out. Former members told me about their pain, but I lived in denial that I was in a religious machine that was shredding people on a daily basis.

I didn’t realize how often the pattern had cycled itself; the pattern of finding new students and shunning leaders who left. I thought all the problems were new problems, not realizing the same problems existed 50 years ago.

I didn’t realize how many, many, many ubf members were united around the world in their feelings of fear and concern about the excessive control and manipulation that exists in the permanent shepherd/sheep relationships. I thought I was alone in my feelings, so I suppressed them.

And most importantly, I didn’t know how to articulate the gospel of Jesus. My flawed understanding of the gospel lead me to turn a deaf ear to my friends who left, to look the other way when I saw actions that bothered my conscience, and to arrogantly hold fast to what I thought was the only and best expression of God’s mission.

As mr. ubf, I needed to be knocked off my horse! And thankfully that happened.

Emily, I would say that the time for listening to “shepherds” has indeed past, way past in fact. There’s no more orientation or understanding or “praise God’s” needed. The 50th Anniversary material speaks loud and clear. We know what the ubf mission is. We know what obedience looks like. We understand what loyalty and devotion look like.

But the time for listening to “sheep”? That time has just begun. The time for listening to former members past and present is also just starting.

And as I speak up (yes sometimes with messy dialog), what I seek from ubf members is in the end of the blog article mentioned above:

“Remind us what Jesus looks like: arms open, eyes full of love. Help us see him there, sitting with us in the anger, waiting.”

I want to see what Jesus looks like.

That is what I’ve been seeking these past two years! And I found it in an American church. But what did I see and hear in ubf? I heard “go away” [but I won’t go away]. I heard “leave us alone” [but I love you and won’t leave you alone]. I heard “tell us what to change” [but activities and programs are not the problem]. Some of us heard “you’re a good-for-nothing sinner”, even as recently as last Friday [but how does this show us Jesus?]

I wouldn’t be so harsh on ubf if they didn’t claim to have “the best ways” of making disciples. Anyone who claims to have a Christian mission or to be a Christian missionary must find a way to show others what Jesus looks like! And then maybe, just maybe, we wouldn’t be so cynical :)

But I do want to talk about the end. I think it is the best part and may be the key. Or at least maybe was the key but I am wondering now if the time for listening has past. Because at one point we were begging for someone (anyone) to listen, screaming for someone to listen, but now, now I just want to work through my own healing and move on.

As a mother, wife, friend, human, I am keenly aware of how my actions are probably hurting those around me all the time. So I just do not understand an entire culture of people who cannot even fathom that their actions may have caused harm to others, even when others explicitly explain that to them.

And yes, a culture that is supposed to be different.

But that’s a concept that doesn’t exist in the USA army. “No soldier left behind” is one reason I am proud to be an American.

It’s not about making a checklist of spiritual abuse, or forming new committees, or punishing the abusers.

What is “this” about? Frankly, it’s about proving that I’m not dead. Seriously, I did’t die when I left ubf. Nothing exceptionally bad happened to me, no tragedy, no illness, no punishing judgment. I am still alive. I love God. My faith is in Jesus Christ. I want to find and serve the ministry He has for me.

One person told me they wished the people who left with me would have stayed and offered suggestions on what to do better. This is highly ironic because most of use feel we were driven away because we offered suggestions on what to do better and expressed our honest thoughts on the ministry.

Some of my friends had been making small and large suggestions for improving the ministry for over a year. Finally those in leadership just couldn’t hear about any more suggestions and just wanted to get back to “God’s mission”.

Churches that follow this model can be further divided into two categories-business management and business marketing. Business management churches focus on managing people and changing their behavior. Business marketing churches focus on drawing people into their church. This is, of course, a broad generalization, but one that reveals cultural characteristics of American churches that we take for granted after long years of exposure.

I think there is a growing dissatisfaction with both approaches that is reflected in this article. Marketing is no longer going to draw us into a church. We will no longer accept another sinner trying to change us. We want an honest relationship with God and with others, relationships where the chief characteristic is an unconditional love. Such relationships do not have an agenda.

The problem with the two business approaches are that they get in the way of these types of healthy Christian relationships. They provide agendas. They overemphasize the work of people and deemphasize the work of Christ and the Holy Spirit.

I’m left wondering what the best model for a church in our context would be, and how much of the old business models need to be simply discarded.

UBF has often been compared to an elite military unit, like the U.S. Marines. The Marines have a motto: We will leave no wounded soldier behind. In fact, every soldier in every branch of the U.S. military takes an oath to never leave a fallen comrade.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Soldier's_Creed

As far as I know, there is no other nation whose military has this policy.

This is a policy that befits a soldier of Christ.

To be honest, to have honest conversations, to listen and accept what the other is saying, to be willing to admit failures beyond blanket statements, and to acknowledge specific struggles—this is the kind of dialogue that I think Addie is pointing towards. It is the kind of soul-to-soul connection that the broken ones who leave are yearning for. We are people. We may not be your coworkers any longer, but we are your brothers and sisters. We don’t want to live-and-let-live. We don’t want to be seen as past coworkers who are gone, but as family members who are hurt. We don’t want excuses, or apologies, we just want to be embraced, treated as your precious brothers and sisters whom you love. We are not in your ministry any more, but we want to be in your lives. But by and large, the steadily-marching “Onward Christian Soldiers” are plowing forwards, leaving us trampled underfoot, unwilling to look backwards at the ones who were just hit-and-run.