James, this still may be interpreted as if abuse only happened in remote places and dark corners of UBF. Would it be possible for you to formulate this a bit more concretely and less politically? Our issue is that abuse happened in the headquarters, was practiced by the general director, and was “pushed” down to even remote places. Would you agree or would you not agree with that statement? To know your opinion on that is a necessary basis for any further dialog.

“Becoming good models of grace, it seems, takes years!”

That may be. But in the meantime, wouldn’t it be good to deal with the issues, starting by frankly admitting them?

Incidentally, I do like your last comment. Yes, no one can change others. UBF people who want to shut down UBFriends will not succeed, just as much as you or exUBFers wishing to have dialogue and reconciliation cannot force it either. I believe we both understand that.

Nonetheless, we do have an ongoing abuse crisis that I think requires serious, urgent and priority consideration. In my opinion, the UBF abuses is far far more important than the upcoming ISBC. By focusing on the ISBC exclusively sends the message that the organization of UBF is more important than individual people who have been hurt and wounded by UBF’s authoritarian abuses.

If you read the comments of liveforchrist over the last few months, you know that he is currently in a UBF chapter when he is rebuked, trained, humiliated, threatened, warned because he was caught dating a girl in his chapter. He told his chapter director that he dated the girl honorably, but was accused of being a liar. He had to write pages of lines, clean the bath room daily, meet his director daily even though he has much homework, and was told, “I will never allow you to marry the girl.” The chapter director wants to make him a shameful example of anyone who dares to date in his chapter!

Are there going to be 2 different UBF opinions on this real case that is actively going on at present?

Should not any leader in UBF with the love of Christ want to seriously address this case? Or we should just work for the ISBC? What if this kid was your own son?

I appreciate that change will take time. It may take a very long time. But as this change moves along at a snail’s pace, please understand that there are many people who cannot afford to wait around indefinitely for this change to occur. Many have had to leave the organization, and many more may need to leave, because they cannot continue to subject themselves and their spouses and their children to the unhealthy environment created by the practices that I have listed above. We will have to flee and then watch from a distance. And your motto “Grow/Mature Together” won’t actually happen because we won’t be together anymore. Perhaps you can wait around forever for opinions to change. But most of us simply cannot.

Sooner or later, Jeremiah 10:21 will take effect:

“The shepherds are senseless
and do not inquire of the Lord;
so they do not prosper
and all their flock is scattered.”

In many places, it already has.

First, it takes time. Learning anything takes time. Becoming good models of grace, it seems, takes years! Like wisdom, it comes slowly. But God is in no hurry as He purges graceless characteristics from us. But we can count on this, for sure: He is persistent.”—Charles Swindoll

I cannot resist to quote Swindoll. If I did not agree with most of you, I would have not engaged in this dialogue. I hear many of your comments and know abuses happened in different places of UBF chapters. That’s why I said in the previous comment that we need to start from “Awareness (of abuses), Acknowledgment, Repent and Grow/ Mature together”. I also know by the fact that many of the members have different opinions from me. Many of them never read this website. That’s why I agree with Swindoll’s statement that it would take time. Especially it would take time to build up consensus among leaders and members. No matter how great, fantastic ideas they may be, we cannot forcefully impose them upon others. We should go through the process of continuous dialogue and persuasion even though it would be tedious and take time. In the mean time what should we do? As swindoll said each one of us strive to be good model of grace. Awakening grace more and more, and practicing the essence of the gospel among us could be one of the solutions.

@Joshua: “If SL’s and others’ shepherding practices are not abusive, where the heck did the body count come from? Kimchee overdose?” +++1 This has to be my all-time favorite comment ever! I have the body-count from Toledo if anyone is interested.

“Some people can say it was an abuse of authority and other people may not agree with that.”

Really??? What other people? Do you really claim any people with a sane mind could not agree with that?

Abuse is abuse. No matter how you “interpret” the allegedly pure motivations of the abuser.

“My opinion is not so important. I am not a judge.”

If you think so, you should not be a leader or elder in a church. Have you ever read 1 Cor 5:12? “Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside.” You need to judge what’s happening in your church. That’s your God-given task as a shepherd and elder. Have you ever read 1 Peter 5:2? “Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them.” Elders have to watch over those in the church and should cry out and defend people if they are abused in such ways.

You basically say nobody can judge Samuel Lee. Well, I know that’s what he said about himself; though he himself judged all others, so it seems you bought into his own wrong teaching. This is simply not true. Everybody has the right to judge Samuel Lee. Even if you don’t want to judge the person of Samuel Lee, you at least can judge his actions. That’s the crucial point that we need to talk about. Whether God for some mysterious reason may forgive him anyway without repentance or not is not our thing to discuss. Does his behavior reflect how leaders should behave or does it reflect the opposite of how leaders should behave so that nobody should learn from them?

“God is more tolerant and full of grace and forgiveness than we are.”

Yes, he is very tolerant to those who do not know him. And to the “little ones” as they are called in the Bible. But towards those who puff themself up as leaders and his representatives and abuse people under his name, he is not so tolerant. I am very sure of that, and that’s what the Bible says as well.

Another aspect of God’s grace and forgiveness is the repentance and brokenness of the person who is forgiven. 1 Jo 1:9 says: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

If you say we are not to judge others and God is tolerant and will forgive anybody anyway, then I wonder why you’re engaging in campus mission, why you want to convert people to God, telling them their life style separates them from God etc. Why do you judge these people? Leave them alone on the campus and don’t interfere into their lives!

“We are all entitled to have our own different opinions.” No, that’s simply wrong. Certain opinions are not to be tolerated in the church. I a member of my church would tell me he adores Adolf Hitler and makes parties with his neo nazi friends on Sunday afternoons; I would kick him out of the church. Not all opinions are tolerable.

Formershep and Ben have made adequate responses to your comment as well, please read them.

From my perspective, there is only one person’s opinion that really matters in distinguishing if a shepherd’s practices are abusive: the one who was abused. Abuse is defined by the one who experienced it, not the one who doled it out. If criminals got to decide whether their actions were criminal or not, no one would ever go to jail!

We cannot judge someone’s intent, which is intangible, but we can judge the result, which is tangible and actually quite obvious. Even Jesus said that you can judge a tree by its fruit (Matt 7:16). If SL’s and others’ shepherding practices are not abusive, where the heck did the body count come from? Kimchee overdose?

Sorry. Like Brian said, it is hard to comment without getting emotionally heated up. Emotions are the check engine light of the soul; you can only ignore them for so long before you face real trouble.

As an elder in the church, I believe that it is your job to provide leadership in matters like this and weigh in on whether or not these practices were/are beneficial. People who have supported this ministry deserve to know where the ministry actually stands. If the saying “actions speak louder than words” is true, then can we guess that the elders believe these practices are acceptable, because nothing of substance has been done to discourage or stop them?

If the elders are not willing to take a stand on these matters, then I suggest that they ought to step down. The office of elder exists for purposes such as these.

But clearly people were hurt and are still being hurt by UBF leaders who do this. So what do you say? Some people have a different opinion? They should not be hurt? It was for their good? The answer should come from Scripture.

Are UBF leaders lording over sheep/juniors? Are they shaming, humbling, humiliating, marginalizing those who do not “just obey”? Or will you still say, “some people don’t think it is lording over”? God is far more tolerant and full of grace?

It still sounds to me like an “absolute” refusal to acknowledge the obvious: UBF has been and continues to be an authoritarian (abusive) church. Do you not agree?

Joe, you pointed out many facts of S Lee. You were there, I was there. Nobody will deny these facts. But I can assure you that people have different opinions and interpretations about them. Some people can say it was an abuse of authority and other people may not agree with that. We are all entitled to have our own different opinions. Still we can love and respect one another and listen to one another. To me the most important thing is how God would think about these things. My opinion is not so important. I am not a judge. I am not defending anybody in this matter. My personal opinion is that only God knows everything, much more worse sins than we know of; plus all the motives behind all these facts. He is the only righteous Judge. As Swindoll said, God is more tolerant and full of grace and forgiveness than we are. (in spite of all our mountain like sins)

I believe that God can accomplish what He wants. I wait on Him to change the unhealthy hearts, minds, and practices in UBF. I cannot force the change I want to see, because then I would be doing the same things as them. Grace must go both ways.

1 John 1:6-7 “If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

Before the change can occur, those who claim to be walking in the light must stop lying to themselves and come into the light (expose themselves in repentance), live out of the truth, and seek to restore fellowship with one another and with God through the purifying blood of Jesus Christ.

“Unfortunately, when you’re blind, you no longer see error. In fact, you lack what I often call a sensitive antenna. That doesn’t suddenly happen, you realize… Slowly, gradually, as imperceptibly as tiny chunks of soil breaking off a cliff at the beach, clear and discerning sight begins to fade. First, peripheral vision gets blurred. Next, tunnel vision occurs. Then, the light even in the tunnel decreases. Finally… “follow the leader” becomes the only acceptable rule for all in the tunnel. The leader becomes Lord. Heresy replaces orthodoxy.”

Is this what is happening to UBF today? Do you think that “the leader” may not necessarily be one particular UBF leader today, but the blind enforcement of conformity to “UBF core values”?

I had a great conversation with a UBF leader in a more “progressive” chapter over the weekend. He told me that he’s convinced that UBF has become an idol in the eyes/heart of many in the ministry. To admit any failure in UBF or in the people of UBF exposes the idol for what it is, just an idol made from wood and stone. My take-away from the Old Testament is that human beings naturally gravitate towards worshiping and serving idols, which are things, rather than God, who is a person.

I think we should combine Jesus’ teaching with other Scripture, namely 1 Timothy 5:1-25, especially 1 Timothy 5:17-21:

“17 The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching. 18 For the Scripture says, “Do not muzzle the ox while it is treading out the grain,” and “The worker deserves his wages.” 19 Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. 20 Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning. 21 I charge you, in the sight of God and Christ Jesus and the elect angels, to keep these instructions without partiality, and to do nothing out of favoritism.”

One of those layers twisted into the mix is as you say: historical abuse. It happened. Now what do we do about it? That is the objective reality ubf must face head on. And saying we should forget about the past doesn’t cut it.

When I was defending ubf, one of my defenses was “so what”. I thought, so what if SL did something abusive in the past? That doesn’t affect me, I thought. Am I my brother’s keeper, I thought. Such thinking is futile and reveals nothing about the gospel Jesus preached. Such thinking came from my hard, empty heart.

Until the historical abuse is admitted and dealt with, the current problems will continue.

It’s as though someone were saying: “My daddy used to wup me upside the head with a 2×4, and it never hurt me none!”

And before anyone says “Oh that was just SL in the 1970’s…”, remember that the same ideology that affected Joe’s list affected Chris in Germany in the 90’s. And we’ve already heard an over-abundance of testimony that 2013 is not any different from 1976, in terms of ubf ideology.

@Martha: You might already know this, but the ministry in Toledo that lasted from 1990 to current day was founded on some inhumane and illegal practices, such as my confession. To many ubers however, such inhumane and illegal actions are redefined to be “grabbing the blessing” and “helping others to be like Jesus” or “just the marines of Christianity doing their God-given job.”

Thank you for your willingness to dialogue here on ubfriends. By what I understand it takes courage and its not easy to do so.

I would like to hear your perspective on the facts that Joe has listed above. I would like to try to understand why you think the above is pleasing to God or even humane or just in anyway. Personally, it makes me cringe just to think that these things happened in UBF and I represent this Christian organization. It baffles my mind to think that these things were done and that no one would say anything. Not only spiritual boundaries were broken but also civilian laws ( i.e. surgical procedures).

Can the good news of Jesus Christ be spread through abusive discipling practices? I don’t think Swindoll would agree.

In fact, I know he wouldn’t agree.

Here’s an article by Chuck Swindoll about churches that abuse. He gives a list of telltale signs indicating that a church is off-base and tells you that, if you belong to such a church, it’s time to leave.

The list he gives sounds a lot like UBF.

http://www.geftakysassembly.com/Articles/Perspectives/WhenToLeave.htm

Joe listed a series of “facts that happened.” Chris says that UBF leaders abused their authority (for 50 years and counting). Are you saying that UBF’s viewpoint of spiritual abuse is “just a different viewpoint”? That UBF’s viewpoint is equally valid and just different from those who are calling it “spiritual abuse”?

Maybe you contradict yourself when you did say in a previous comment that UBF is immature and needs to acknowledge her problems: http://www.ubfriends.org/2013/04/14/the-freedom-of-self-forgetfulness/#comment-6347 Though you did not specifically say what the problems were, many UBFers and exUBFers will agree with your statement. In fact many will have the exact same viewpoint with your statement.

“If your brother or sister sins,go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Mt 18:15-17

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Mt 5:22-14

What different viewpoints can Christian have about this issue? I can imagine to “agree to disagree” on a lot of disputable viewpoints with other Christians. But not on abuse of authority. It’s wrong, simply wrong. Jesus clearly and unmistakably explained in Mt 23 that even thumping spiritual authority is wrong, not to speak about abusing spiritual authority.

“In many disagreements each side is valid.” Right. But there are also disagreements where no side or only one side is valid. The idea that authoritarianism in the church is fine, and that it is okay to ignore critical members and expel them as rebels, this idea is not a valid viewpoint. But this is the major issue we disagree on. Otherwise UBF would have issued an apology long ago.

“In every disagreement there are the same two ingredients: (a) an issue and (b) various viewpoints. The issue is usually objective and involves principles.”

It seems to me that you want to move onto the second ingredient without ever facing the first.

So let’s do first things first.

For example, here are some of the things that I remember about being in Chicago UBF when SL was directing. These are the some practices that defined UBF style discipleship for me when I entered the ministry.

I will state these things as objectively as I can, without making any value judgments. Then you can tell me whether I am making these things up. You are well qualified to do that because you were there at the time.

* SL reserved the right to change the name of anyone at any time. He reserved the right to name your children.

* SL reserved the right to tell you to quit your job at a moment’s notice.

* He reserved the right to tell you at any time to change your clothing or hairstyle.

* No one could marry without his specific approval. He chose whom you could marry. The wedding would be at a time and place of his choosing.

* In many cases, the length of time between when he introduced people to each other and told them that they ought to marry and the actual wedding was less than one week.

* When he married couples, he made up the wedding vows and regularly inserted promises that had nothing to do with marriage (such as promising to go as missionaries to Russia etc.). These vows were not agreed upon by the couple ahead of time.

* If you turned down a marriage candidate that he chose for you, you could be severely rebuked and trained for it. One woman who didn’t want to marry a Korean missionary was told by him, “If you say no again, you will go to hell.”

* No one could miss a Monday night meeting or a Friday night meeting or SWS ever. If you missed a meeting without a good excuse (or even if you had an excuse) you would get rebuked and trained.

* SL would often impose quotas on fellowship leaders to bring a certain number of people to SWS and to conferences. Those who failed would be shamed or punished in various ways.

* If SL thought you did not offer enough money at Christmas worship service, he might rebuke you in front of everyone.

* Sometimes he told missionaries and sheperds whose parents were well off to ask their parents for large sums of money.

* When SL rebuked people, he often did so harshly. Many of his comments to people and about people were far more brazen and brutal than the comments that have appeared here on UBFriends. But no one objected to SL’s language because they got used to it. They believed he had a right to speak that way because he was “God’s servant.”

* No one could take a trip or travel outside the Chicago area for any reason without SL’s approval. And if you did travel, you had better be back in town for Sunday worship service, otherwise you would be severely rebuked and trained.

* If you were from another chapter (not Chicago) and you were selected to go on a “journey team” to Korea or elsewhere, you were told to buy an airline ticket to Chicago with an open return date (which was very expensive). The reason for the open return date is that once you were in Chicago, SL reserved the right to keep you there indefinitely for training. You were not allowed to leave Chicago until he told you that you could.

* SL would often prescribe unorthodox diets and medical treatments and in some cases surgical procedures and the doctors and nurses in Chicago UBF would carry them out.

* If you objected to any of these practices, all of the missionaries and shepherds would immediately counsel you to obey SL because he was God’s servant. Failure to obey even in a very small matter could result in Skokie training, monetary fines, public shaming, etc.

I could go on listing many more of these practices.

Perhaps some people will object that I have aired UBF’s dirty laundry on a public website. But this is not UBF’s dirty laundry. These were the standard operating procedures for the fellowship. They happened on a regular basis, and everyone knew about them. (There are many, many more scandalous things that I could mention but won’t.)

If we can agree on the objectivity of these happenings, then we have a basis for charitably disagreeing over what to do about them.

But in my experience, UBF leaders will not open their mouths to talk about the first things first. They dodge and weave like champion dodgeball players, talking about principles without acknowledging the facts.

You are entitled to your own opinions. But you are not entitled to your own facts.

Agreeing about Disagreements,
by Charles R. Swindoll

1 Corinthians 12:12 NLT

“As much as we may pursue peace, and as positive and tactful as we may be, there will still be occasions when disagreements arise. As one wag put it, “Life ain’t no exact science,” which brings me to the last two of four facts with which everyone (well, most of us) would agree. (I shared the first two facts yesterday.)

In every disagreement there are the same two ingredients: (a) an issue and (b) various viewpoints. The issue is usually objective and involves principles. The viewpoints are subjective and involve personalities. And therein lies the sum and substance of a clash, which could be defined as a disagreement over an issue because of opposing points of view. I will be candid with you: Every time I have remembered those two basic ingredients in the midst of a disagreement, I have been able to keep calm and think clearly. When I have forgotten them, almost without exception I have failed to negotiate my way through the clash with wisdom. Furthermore, I have regretted something I said in the heat of verbal exchange. Those two simple ingredients have never failed to help me keep cool. Why? The next fact will explain.

In many disagreements each side is valid. As “liberal” as you may think that sounds, chew on it before you toss it aside. On numerous occasions when I have encountered a brother or sister who felt as strongly as I about the other side of the argument, I came to realize it was not so much an I-am-right-and-you-are-wrong matter as it was an I-see-it-from-this-perspective-and-you-from-that-perspective matter. Both sides of most disagreements have strengths and weaknesses, which means neither side is an airtight slam dunk. Nevertheless, any disagreement can lead to a serious, permanent rift in a relationship . . . and sometimes (this may surprise you) that is God’s will. There are times God chooses to spread the good news of His Son rapidly in different directions by having two capable servants of His have a major disagreement.”

And great acronym Joshua! I second the motion to be HOT and SORRY.

Martha, you mentioned “I do not know who James Kim is ( where does president of UBF fall in the hierarchy)nor what his intentions are. I hope that this is not the reason he writes this.”

— There are 2 hierarchies in ubf. One is the “spiritual” lineage of shepherd/sheep relationships. The other is the “corporate” structure. Actually it is more of a complicated web or network. Apart from the General Director, it is very difficult (for me) to know who has what authority. I’m not sure anyone knows these days. The ubf hierarchy is about as transparent as a piece of wood.

— Yes I hope that is not James’ intentions, and I suspect he sincerely was not trying to appeal to an authority figure that we ubfriends people would respect. But that tactic has often been used.

I think that it is good to remember what sorry means. Sorry is spelled S-O-R-R-Y. It means:

S is for Sin. Identify the sin that you did. If this is not done, there is absolutely no weight behind the sorry, just lip-service. How do you find out? Listen! 1 John 1:8

O is for Openly admit. OPEN IS THE KEY WORD!!!!! John 3:20-21

R is for Repent.

R is for Request forgiveness. And in case there is any doubt, this doesn’t count: “There is no condemnation in Jesus, so forgive me.”

Y is for You change.

I suggest we add SORRY to the UBFriends list of acronyms, after HOT. If you’re not SORRY, you’re not really sorry, so why even bother saying sorry?

“ubf people tend to look for the “authority people will listen to”. Probably this is an Asian war strategy, but anyway. ubf missionaries learned a long time ago that some Americans won’t listen to them or fully submit to their authority. So what do the missionaries do? They find the authority that Americans will listen to!”

I do not know who James Kim is ( where does president of UBF fall in the hierarchy)nor what his intentions are. I hope that this is not the reason he writes this. Our only spiritual authority as Christians is Christ himself who calls us to speak and practice His truth. We may honor and respect the wisdom of authors and preachers, but ultimately we submit to Christ’s Spiritual authority.

James,

So far I have heard you say the right things, the problem is many missionaries say “im sorry, im such a sinner, I have sinned”, but when you question what they mean by that, they are unable to tell you clearly. I heard testimonies about how sorry they were but in reality they don’t understand what they have done wrong. They have not really listened without becoming angry or defensive or hurt. How can they really understand the real issue when they are blinded by their own pride? In their minds and heart all they can see is the ungratefulness toward the hard work and sacrificial life they have lived. The people that left are “labeled” as rebellious,proud, unthankful, and full of complaints. (I know this because I was like some of the missionaries, I never took the time to listen but just believed what I was told and judged those who left harshly. I am now the one who is ‘labeled for expressing myself…..do you honestly believe this is pleasing to God? ). People want to move forward without really understanding what the true issues are. You say you know what the diagnosis is, but do you really? You say you know what the issues are, but I have not seen you nor anyone specifically come out and denounce old ungodly practices that have caused so much pain and hurt. But instead I see great efforts to eliminate any program that can actually bring about true revival into our ministry. I am disgusted by the political infestation that has overtaken UBF. Isn’t this what Jesus so radically fought against?

I should point out that the American, and perhaps other nationality, shepherds and shepherdesses do have an ability to still hear the gospel, even though most are like dry wood. The fire of the gospel of Jesus has been lit newly the past 3 years or so. I have no doubt that fire will consume ubf. So hardliners (who want to resit or quench the Holy Spirit or who want to ignore Jesus’ gospel and focus on preserving ubf heritage) should put on fireproof suits! The gospel fire is burning through the dead wood in ubf and many souls are coming alive and throwing off everything that entangles them.

You wrote: “I want to remind you of Keller’s words.”

Although I don’t know why you are suddenly drawn to Timothy Keller’s writing, but I want to use this as an example of typical ubf strategy. I want our ubf readers to realize something:

ubf people tend to look for the “authority people will listen to”. Probably this is an Asian war strategy, but anyway. ubf missionaries learned a long time ago that some Americans won’t listen to them or fully submit to their authority. So what do the missionaries do? They find the authority that Americans will listen to!

Many of us in this ubfriends community have shared our respect for Timothy Keller. So now I see your article James and the rather forceful demand for us to listen to Keller, who makes some points that you want us to hear and obey (but says them better and is an authority some of us might listen to).

Former members and current members need to be aware of this tactic. I believe that is why outside speakers were brought into North American staff meetings, both as an appeasement to Americans and as carefully chosen authorities who would support the ubf heritage in a round-about Christian way.

But in JA’s case, the hardliners got more than they bargained for :) His teachings actually began exposing the ubf ideology, and he is committed to a long-term relationship. So now the hardliners want him out.

@Vitaly, yes, I heard the same thing as you. James’ words sound good but are like a cheese-grater to my soul. I have some thoughts based on your comment above:

“And after some talking to a top ubf leader I understood that there are things ubf missionaries are just not able to understand.”

— Correct. ubf people just have almost no capacity to grasp the messages of the gospel of Jesus. Reconciliation is perhaps the most important message (and mandate) of the gospel. But ubf people tend to turn the tables on former members, making us seem like the source of the problems. In fact, former members are like mirrors, reflecting the reality of ubf back to them.

“I agreed to the talk because I knew it would be a final talk to a ubf leader.”

— Yes there is always one final talk. Then the expectation by ubf is “shut up and go away”. But I am soooo thankfulll for that now former members have the option to share their stories here on ubfriends.

“So how can I help the ubf missionaries leave Russia if reasoning doesn’t help? I don’t want any more Russian suffer from ubf in my city. I know that no Russian would join ubf here thanks to the internet.”

— I share this concern for Americans. Were any ubf people watching what happened in Boston last week? The two brothers thought they could get away with the bombing. But guess what? Mess with American freedom and we will hunt you down and expose you! You will be found out. I am rather ashamed that America became the largest base for ubf outside Korea. But no matter. We Americans extend grace to the utmost, but f up our freedom, watch out!

“May be if reason doesn’t help cult-leaders to leave us alone it is better to also report to FSB about our illegal ubf chapter?”

— Yes I would report them. I think you’ve done a great service to Russian young people and former members and even current ubf people through your stories here, Vitaly. In the absence of real stories like yours, ubf people can only believe the deception of the ubf nostalgic hagiographies about Yekaterinburg. The news about Yekaterinburg suddenly stops in 2011. ubf people should be asking why? What happened to our brothers and sisters there? There are many chapters like this around the world.

— The big news that opened my eyes even wider in 2011 was the new ubf mission statement. It does not mention Jesus! That means ubf has committed themselves to being a non-Christian cult. How can you claim to be a Christian missionary church when you don’t mention Jesus in your mission statement? That is something SO refreshing in my new church: They are BLATANT about JESUS! All they do is expressly for and through JESUS! How wonderful that was to my soul!

I want to share with you how your words sound like to me. You are saying that yes ubf has problems but no one is righteous and so Jesus accepts ubf leaders as they are with his abundant grace. Very nice! I’d like to hear how you would say that to a raped lady. May be you would say, “Yes, that guy is bad but you know Jesus’s grace is so nice that he accepts the guy. There is no condemnation in Jesus! He and you should accept the verdict of Jesus and grow together to a Christian maturity and mutual love and reconciliation. God bless you. And yes, take it easy that “the guy” is me, a ubf missionary. Now, excuse me, I have to go, I am very busy preaching the gospel to many perishing souls like you”.

Why not just be sincere and report what you say in your comment – that you and other missionaries are not exceptions and that you went to the US and other nice countries for better living?

About humble learning I would say that you would never learn and become like an “ordinary native” even if you tried hard because you are not natives. Yes, unfortunately ubf missionaries haven’t even tried not to mention hard.

For example I am Russian. Yes I can speak some English. But can I become like a native American? Can I think about being a pastor or a “director” in the US? Of course not! Never! But I can use my knowledge for learning many good things from American Christians and authors and contextualize them in Russia. Can I think about being a pastor in Russia? Yes, of course!

Yesterday on sunday a Kirgiz pastor spoke in our church. He is an Asian. His Russian is the same with the Korean ubf missionaries. I left ubf 1,5 years ago. Yeasterday I listened to a very weak Russian message. Of course I remembered the poor and weak ubf messages. And I thought, “Oh no! Is it true that I listened to such non-Russian messages for 17 years?!”. My wife thought the same. Many people laughed listening to the pastor. I can assure you that nobody would think that that pastor could one day become a pastor in Russia. In ubf nobody laughed hearing the many mistakes and so strange Russian because there was an atmosphere of fear.

So may I give you an advice? If you are going to stay in the US and bury your bones there, would you take a back seat in an American church or “serve” only Korean immigrants. I mean humble learning won’t help. No native is obliged to become a Korean and be a member of a Korean organization, especially such an unhealthy one as ubf.

What I don’t understand is why UBFers always point out how difficult it is and who much time is needed. I have been told these same phrases already 12 years ago. Well maybe. But a Chinese proverb says “a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step”. Koreans also say “sijakun pan ida” which means, starting is already half of solving a task. I really want to see this start happening and not always hear “it is so difficult”. I heard this already twelve years ago, but I did not see anybody beginning to solve the problems. As you say, this beginning is becoming aware of the problems. I think this website is a great way of raising awareness. I just wished more people from UBF would participate and see it as something positive. Or provide alternate platforms for raising awareness.

When the gospel is heard, sin must ALWAYS be acknowledged, confessed and repented of, possibly in this precise order. If sin is not acknowledged, confessed and repented of, then the gospel has not been heard and the desired result of the gospel is not yet accomplished.

For whenever the gospel is heard and taken to heart, repentance and faith ALWAYS follows.

See, James, I can be preachy too!

In this individualistic society, each person’s opinion is important. Everyone is entitled for his or her own opinion. And I respect your opinion.

The fact is in spite of all our sins and mistakes, Jesus accepts us and forgives us when we accept his gracious verdict with grateful heart. In Jesus there is no condemnation. Of course verdict is only the starting point. Through the gracious “verdict” of Jesus, I realize my terrible sin and deep inner darkness (not others). And my performance gradually changes. Through the verdict I can bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

If we only criticize or condemn based on our performances, there is no solution. Keller said, if we do, we are not Christians. The beauty of the gospel is that “No one is righteous, not even one” and Jesus opened the door of grace of forgiveness to everyone who accept his verdict and trust in Him. Forgive me if this sounds too preachy.

UBF sent “tent-maker” missionaries to other countries wherever the doors were opened. This is quite unprecedented in the Christian history. The general norm was the rich Western countries sent missionaries to many developing nations. The founders of UBF encouraged the members not to go to other countries as “ordinary immigrants with immigrant mentality”, that means working hard and making money to live comfortable life. We were encouraged to share the superior gospel to all people of all nations based on Matthew 28:18-20.

When I came to the States, I was ignorant in many things, language and culture. Most of the Americans are very generous and open-minded and helped me and others to adjust our new life in America. As immigrants and “tent-maker” missionaries, the cross-cultural ministry is not easy because we have to learn many things and grow continuously and overcome our fixed ideas and thoughts. Unfortunately we were not well prepared in this regard.

In retrospect, I see some reasons why many Korean missionaries did not humbly learn many things in the host nations. The gospel of Jesus Christ is superior above all human culture, but we should not assume our position is superior to others. We are only entrusted the gospel to share with others. (We are nothing but “beggars” who can point to other fellow beggars where they can get free bread.) Second, we often tried to “give” the good news of Jesus one-sidedly and did not “receive” (or humbly learn) from the host. I see this as our blind spots.

:) If that would happen I would join ubf again. But seriously, it is worthwhile to examine the reasons why such a thing would not happen.

It seems that their home base is in Korea, with a European subsidiary branch. They mention that they are comprised of 6 people, but did not say who they were other than Peter the CEO and Lucy. Do you know if they are German UBF missionaries?

1. “Nevertheless I don’t think it is normal to have 10/1 Koreans/natives propotions at meetings outside Korea. And it is not normal to have 300/0 propotions in leadership in an “international” organization ))” Yes! I am not anti-Korean even though my comments my come across as such. But let’s face the fact here: ubf is a Korean organization. It was Korean in 1961. It is still Korean in 2013. ubf Koreans are anti-missionaries who have gone out and implanted Korean culture in every place they go. That is how history will remember ubf: A proud, Korean, evangelical failure.

2. “But when they see that ubf is a Korean corporation what future can they have in this corporation?” Yes ubf is a corporation. Check out the ubf owned and operated business called Nest41. Their mission statements are exactly what ubf is. ubf is nothing more than a business network with the bible as their product. There are a surprising number of ubf Korean missionaries who primarily care about creating a business network, hiding behind “self-supporting work”.

@Vitaly, when I read some of your experiences, I’m genuinely sad to hear what you’ve gone through. But I’m going to be honest, sometimes your comments make me cringe, because they seem like strong anti-Korean sentiment. Maybe this is because I work in a liberal academic environment, where we’re very sensitive to this kind of language. But my instinctive reaction when reading your comments was to immediately think about the backlash and violence against immigrants in Russia, especially due to the decreasing unemployment rate. Whether you meant it or not, I understood your comments to mean that you don’t like Koreans and think Koreans should go back to Korea, and this honestly makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’m aware that cultural differences play a major role in these conflicts and problems. And Korean msns. have done the same by making comments or sweeping generalizations of other cultures in the past, and I don’t like that either. But I like how Chris tries to maintain a balanced viewpoint by pointing out that there were also conflicts among just the Korean co-workers, showing that UBF problems are not only a Korean vs. native conflict.
I know you were very hurt and angered by Korean missionaries, and I agree with you that msns. and leaders must change and repent for mistakes made in the past that have hurt people. I’m writing this comment to you, because I think it doesn’t help your cause if you give the impression that you just don’t like Koreans. A few friends have told me that they sometimes feel offended or angered by these kinds of comments in conversations about UBF. This might possibly close people’s ears rather than open them to dialogue.
Your voice deserves to be heard, and I hope that my honest reaction to your comment is helpful.

But understand that for as long as anyone has been in UBF, there is the teaching that you MUST get approval, consent, permission and blessing from the “one above you,” who is invariably an older Korean missionary, director, pioneer, ancestor according to the hierarchy. So, this sentiment is still quite prevalent, even if it is subtle and subjective and NEVER addressed or questioned.

I think that many in UBF subconsciously believe that “Unless (UBF leader) blesses you, God will not bless you.” This includes both natives as well as younger Korean missionaries. I personally conclude that there is no such teaching in the Bible.

I am not advocating disrespect, anarchy or rebellion. But such a teaching (which I think has been referred to as “covering” or “orphan”) has functionally and practically replaced the Holy Spirit with the UBF leader.

UBF missionaries do not have to go back to Korea. But they can humbly learn to be like “ordinary” natives, rather than think of themselves as “special, sacrificial, sanctimonious (God’s) servants.” If they just do this, I think that there would be substantial overall improvement in Honesty, Openness and Transparency.

But is this asking too much? After being “in control” for over 30 years, can they “just let go” of their power, seniority and tenure, and be “born again,” so that they must now act like a subordinate and humbly “just obey” a (younger) native leader?

The Tom Cruise of ubf

My Failed Defense

I fully agree. But as always, I want to remind that this is not a struggle between Korean missionaries and “natives”. Don’t forget that there are also many Korean missionaries who have been suffering and still are suffering from the system as the 1976 and 2001 reform attempts showed. We should not jam a wedge between us and all Korean missionaries in UBF. Most of them are nice people. But the “natives” should not tolerate any arrogant and dominant behavior from their side any more.

As Vitaly described, the “natives” just simply have to take normal, Christ-like actions and have the guts to tell missionaries to back off when they show their arrogance.

What an awesome way to start, as the gospel is indeed at the heart of this mess… “The Worldwide Church of God [now named Grace Communion International]…has changed its position on numerous long-held beliefs and practices during the past few years. At the heart of those changes has been an acceptance that salvation is by grace through faith. While this was preached in the past, it was always coupled with the message that God owes us a reward for our works that build holy, righteous character.”

For people like me, who have been called “Satan”, this means everything… “We were judgmental and self-righteous—condemning other Christians, calling them “so-called Christians” and labeling them “deceived” and “instruments of Satan.”

Exactly what so many former ubf members have said… “We imposed on our members a works-oriented approach to Christian living. We required adherence to burdensome regulations of the Old Testament code. We exercised a strongly legalistic approach to church government.”

Music to my ears… “These teachings and practices are a source of supreme regret. We are painfully mindful of the heartache and suffering that has resulted from them.”

Wow… “We’ve been wrong. There was never an intent to mislead anyone. We were so focused on what we believed we were doing for God that we didn’t recognize the spiritual path we were on. Intended or not, that path was not the biblical one.”

And there is indeed hope… “We have set our minds and hearts on Jesus Christ and trust explicitly in him. I have never been more thrilled about the state of our fellowship! We are pooling our energies and moving forward in preaching the gospel worldwide and equipping our local congregations to be healthy examples of the body of Christ. We are using the spiritual gifts we have been given and capitalizing on the intense dedication to Jesus Christ—now rightly channeled—which has long characterized our church.”

Amen… “We desire to meet there with anyone we may have injured. It is only by the blood of the Lamb and the power of the Spirit that we can put the hurts of the past behind us and move forward toward our common goal. So to all members, former members, co-workers and others—all who have been casualties of our past sins and mistakes of doctrine—I extend my sincerest heartfelt apologies. And I invite you to join us in proclaiming the true gospel of Jesus Christ around the world.”

:) One reason I am so vocal and public now is based on my repentance in regard to the way I tried to defend ubf on the old Voy forums.

It was wrong for me to take down 2 anti-ubf websites through various means! But thankfully former members have all the material. All it needs is some polishing.

It was wrong for me to take advice from SB and others to “cleanse” the Wikipedia article on ubf.

It was wrong for me to be so uncaring toward former members on my own pn website.

And Excellent points Chris: “But I have been on these forums and can say that most of the commenters were polite and reasonable, not much different from how people are writing here. The “deafening silence” from UBF was much worse.”

You didn’t mention here the cyberattacks and other measures that UBF members launched to try to shut those websites down. But those things did happen.

As I read your comment above, I still have qualms about your use of the words “we” and “we all.” It seems that you are still using “we” in a way that covers not only ubf leaders but also the critics and ex-members and people who comment on UBFriends and all those who have been hurt by ubf over the years.

Please correct me if I’m wrong. But it seems that you are still declaring in a subtle way that those who are pressing ubf to correct itself are not speaking with enough gentleness and love and respect. Perhaps that is the case, or perhaps not; God will be the judge. But in my opinion, the time for “you” (meaning the ubf leaders who are making decisions and acting in the name of the organization right now) to try to teach others anything about love and ethics and proper modes of communication and so on has long past. Any moral authority and credibility that “you” (as I have defined that word) may have once had in those areas is essentially gone, and the only way that it can ever be regained is through focusing your attention now solely on the issues of ubf leaders’ actions and behavior over the years.

If you carefully read the public apology of GCI, you cannot find any hint of that kind of preachiness. There is no place on their website where they say anything like “wrongs have been committed by everyone on all sides” and “we all” (meaning they and their critics too) “need to humbly come to Jesus and repent and love one another.” Of course it is true that all people always need to humbly repent and love others more. But when an organization engages in self correction, that kind of language is inappropriate and will only hinder the process of reconciliation.

Just some remarks concerning the old forums. It is true, the tone in this forum is exceptionally good and friendly, while it was often not so good on the old forums made by reformers or ex UBFers.

But we need to understand why this is possible. Much time has passed, many of us have become older and wiser. UBF leadership changed. We now have soft leaders at the top; the UBF director and president are much different from their predecessors. The worst abuse happened years and decades ago, under the leadership of Samuel Lee in Chicago and some who copied him. The memory of the hurt done by them is slowly fading. These forums operated at a time when the big division of 2001 just had happened. It is no wonder that the discussions on these forums were much more heated.

But I have been on these forums and can say that most of the commenters were polite and reasonable, not much different from how people are writing here. The “deafening silence” from UBF was much worse. There were no reasonable postings and comments from UBF defenders at all. The few UBF defenders either made completely stupid comments (“troll postings”) and some even posted obscene insults under the guise of anonymity. I was completely shocked, because to me it did not make any sense to be a defender of a Bible fundamentalist group and to use obscene language at the same time. But it was true. I was able to trace one IP address of a particularly annoying poster with foul language down to a computer that was also running the International UBF summer conference website. I guess it was a computer in the Chicago center, but I don’t know who had access to it. To be fair, bad language came also from the side of anti UBFers, and I was also annoyed by some who wrote against UBF. I would say it was a similar number of people from both sides who were “troublemakers” in that regard. But I would also say that over 90% of the posted comments were reasonable in content and tone. Unfortunately, at that time, many UBF members visited the forum only once, saw one or two offending postings, and never came back. Or did not even come once because they were told these forums were full of vitriol and hate only, which was not true. I wished you had read all the stories and testimonies and inspiring discussions.

I have not read your link yet, but I am going to read it. In my personal opinion, we should have two prong approach. First we should keep dialogue with love and respect. Speaking truth with love will solve a lot of misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility. We have to build up mutual trust and respect through continuous dialogue no matter how long it may take. Second, follow Keller’s solution. We may all come to Jesus and accept Jesus’ gracious and forgiving verdict and have right understanding of the gospel and repent and grow/ mature together. Of course, it is easier said than done. But I think other than these two prong approach, we have very few options unfortunately. When we focus on Jesus and his great grace and mercy, we can put our hope that He himself may do a mighty miracle and the work of healing and reconciliation among us in his own way. At least this is my prayer.

I have been following “this case” for the past 2 years, because some accusations of spiritual abuse leveled against them, their leaders and primarily at CJ Mahaney (the original founder of Covenant Church) have echoes of very similar complaints of spiritual abuse and authoritarianism by exUBFers.

They have 2 websites run by ex-Covenant members that have been around for many years already, and with perhaps 10 times more traffic than ubfriends, I think. Here we try our best to keep the commenting policy, though we might perhaps slip up on occasion. :-) But on their 2 websites it is full of bull charging adrenaline, vitriol, and all forms of cynicism and sarcasm with no holds barred. Though I empathize with them, and understand that they may have been abused by their church leadership, they perhaps sounded more like the seething anger on anti-UBF websites, such as resqueUBF.

JHarris was CJ Mahaney’s “top sheep.” Years ago Harris approached Mahaney to be mentored by him. Then CJ stepped down as lead pastor of his megachurch (Covenant Life) and appointed Harris in his place. CJ went on to head Sovereign Grace ministries, which oversees their 80 church plants or so, including Covenant Life, their flag ship. But a few months ago, Harris and Covenant Life disassociated themselves from CJ and Sovereign Grace, because of continued accusations and allegations about improprieties that all directly or indirectly point back to CJ. Perhaps that was when Harris issued his apology, which I did not read.

Sorry if this is complicated, but I find it quite fascinating, even though it is truly quite sad, tragic and unfortunate. May God have mercy on them, and on us.

The problems in the Worldwide Church of God were somewhat different from those in ubf. But there are some parallels. The story about how that organization was transformed from the inside is told by Ruth Tucker in this article.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/1996/july15/6t826a.html

I have shared the link with some leaders in our chapter. Its amazing how much healing this acknowledgment and true repentance of their wrong doings must have brought to their church. Its something I am longing and praying to see happen in UBF as a whole, but perhaps it can start one church chapter at a time.

Thank you for your willingness to come this far and admit in a public forum (one that is not sponored by UBF) that wrongdoings happened. The fact that one elder has done this is significant and I hope it is symptomatic of shifting opinion within the organization.

I appreciate that you have done this.

Having said that, I had a negative reaction to this statement that you made:

“However, as a physician I am more interested in the treatment of the problems. (We talked about the diagnosis a lot already).”

If by “we” you mean those who write articles and comments on this website, then you are correct. We have been talking a lot about this in recent months and years.

But if “we” means ubf leaders, that is simply not the case. I’m sure that some of you have been discussing this privately in groups of two or three or four or five or maybe even ten or twelve. I have discussed this with the GD on numerous occasions and to his credit he has never told me to be quiet. But that’s as far as it has gone.

For example, consider what happened at the Chesapeake retreat that we attended last fall. There were 50 or so people in that room on Saturday morning, most of them elder Korean missionaries. A handful of Americans brought up some issues that were uncomfortable but did not even directly mention the history of abuse within the organization. While Ben and a handful of Americans brought these things up, the vast majority of missionaries sat there in silence. A few spoke up here and there, but their basic posture was defensive. There was no admission, no consensus, no majority, and not even a minority of missionaries who agreed with our points, even in that private setting. After about 90 minutes of that kind of discussion, one of the missionaries (who had until then not said anything) made a statement like this (sorry, I don’t remember his exact words): “Okay, we’ve talked and talked about this so much, and all this talk isn’t accomplishing much. What are we going to do about it?” And at that point, the topics of discussion shifted to ministry prayer topics from the GD, conference and event planning, and so on. Once again, back to business as usual.

To this day, I have not been in a room where missionaries and natives have sat down to talk about abuses and have missionaries actually admit that these things happened. Perhaps a few missionaries might be willing to do this now, and if so, great. But when have the key players in the environment of abuse — the most senior leaders and senior staff and family of SL and hardline chapter directors and hardline missionaries from other countries who in many cases are still doing these things — ever acknowledged even a tiny bit that any of these things happened? When have they even come to the table to discuss these things?

When has even a hint of this ever been acknowledged in a Chicago UBF Sunday message or on ubf.org or at a ubf conference or staff conference or senior staff meeting? If that has happened yet, I’m not aware of it.

The community is a living organism and must be allowed to heal itself. That healing process cannot even begin until those hurt by abuse are able to stand up in front of the community and say what happened to them and have the community acknowledge that it did happen without leaders saying, “Ahem, well, you know, there is another side to the story.” There is no treatment, no committtee, no procedure that the elders can come up with behind closed doors that will bring about a quick cure or resolution. The only way forward is to create the environment for open, long-term discussion of these things among elders and then senior staff and then chapter directors and fellowship leaders and all members of ubf.

The idea of stopping discussion now because we’ve already talked about this and moving on to a solution just won’t work. The living system will only start to heal itself when there is widespread, open acknowledgment that these things happened, coupled with honest and transparent contrition.

Here’s a great example of a church with a history of doctrinal error and abuse coming clean about it and asking for forgiveness:

http://www.gci.org/aboutus/forgiveus

In my opinion, this paragraph in Keller’s book describes how UBF leaders respond toward any critique of UBF (which was not quoted in your article). I quoted it above in the 2nd comment:

“Generally, people are devastated by criticism — or they are not devastated by criticism because they do not listen to it. They will not listen to it or learn from it because they do not care about it. They are proud. Their ego is distended. Their solution to criticism is pride, by refusing to listen to any criticism. But that is no solution. …pride (is a) horrible nuisance to our own future and to everyone around us.”

Does this paragraph apply to some UBF seniors/missionaries? Are they refusing to listen to the countless criticism of spiritual abuses primarily by some UBF missionaries?

You wrote in your 3rd sentence above: “First, We have to be aware of many mistakes and wrong doings in the past and acknowledge those things.” Is this happening? What specifically are the “many mistakes and wrong doings”?

Maybe I am not hearing well, but I am not sure that I am clearly hearing any acknowledgment of “many mistakes, wrong doings,” which you refer to as “those things.” That is what many here on Ubfriends and in private emails and conversations have been asking for.

Is a day of acknowledgment forthcoming? When might that day be?

However, as a physician I am more interested in the treatment of the problems. (We talked about the diagnosis a lot already)

I wrote, “Many times we cannot live up to our own standards or other people’s (and parents’) standards. That makes us feel terrible. Lowering our own standards is not a solution because that also makes us feel terrible. Trying to live up to our own standards or someone else’s is a trap. It is not an answer.”

Through Keller’s book I learned that better performance or the solution of the problems should come from knowing the gospel better. Better performance or the solution of the problems will come when we deeply accept Jesus’ verdict, his amazing grace with deep gratitude.

Keller talked about wonderful solutions in the gospel-humility. It is worth to read one more time.

“The truly gospel humble person is a self-forgetful person whose ego is just like his or her toes. It just works. It does not draw attention to itself. The toes just work; the ego just works. Neither draws attention to itself.”

“The self-forgetful person would never be hurt particularly badly by criticism. It would not keep them up late, it would not bother them. Why? Because a person who is devastated by criticism is putting too much value on what other people think, on other people’s opinions.”

Keller said the more we get to understand the gospel, the more we want to change in true humility. The more we get to understand the gospel, God himself would work in and among us (both in and out of UBF) and transform us gradually and make us free. Correcting or changing our outward action/behavior based on many different human standards is not a solution.

Next, I asked myself and others, “Is this true?” The answer was obvious. Prov 29:25 sealed it for me.

Joy and liberation flooded my soul. Strangely, some UBF leaders did not share my joy. I’m still trying to figure out why not. One was even so incensed that he would no longer speak with me or even acknowledge my existence. A very strange Christian world.

In short, they are practically and virtually stuck in their own sin of pride as “senior” leaders, and are completely powerless to do what they have been telling others to do for decades: LISTEN, repent, confess, be humble.

Oops, I did not realize that a “simple singular reason” would be so long and sound so complicated! Perhaps, someone may come up with a simpler “simple singular reason.”

So what would I like from ubf leaders? At this point, what I would like is for them to just listen to Sharon me and so many others who have been expressing what we actually experienced under their leadership. I want them to hear what happened to us natives when we trusted them and followed them. And not dismiss or justify or minimize what happened. Not to tell us that we are speaking disrespectfully and unthankfully and that we have gotten the facts wrong and that we have forgotten God’s grace and that there is another side to the story and that ubf is not all bad and that all that training was actually for our good and that it’s time to get back to preaching the gospel.

I would like for them to just acknowledge that this is what they actually did to us and say, “Wow, I never realized that this is how we made you feel.” And then sit quietly and let it sink in for a good long time.

But that hasn’t happened. They respond with continued silence, not even acknowledging that they heard any of this.

For a long time, the main emotion I felt toward SL and ministry leaders was fear. I wanted their approval, and I was afraid of falling into disfavor with them. And I was afraid of losing the identity that had been crafted for me. The fear was very palpable. But I refused to admit to myself that I was motivated by fear.

A few years ago, as I became more honest with myself and others, it suddenly dawned on me: Fear was not the right motivation for my spiritual activities. Nor did I have anything to be afraid of. When I shifted my understanding of who I was, resting my identity on my relationship to God rather than my relationship to these people, the fear began to vanish. I realized I was no longer afraid of ministry leaders. I stopped holding my tongue and began to express what I really felt and thought. The moment that certain leaders realized I was no longer afraid of them, our relationship fundamentally changed. They saw I was no longer manageable as I had been in the past, and many of them no longer wanted to have anything to do with me.

Very good point, Chris. I suppose in my personal case, my tendency to focus mainly on personal hurt is because my chapter was so small, and there weren’t too many other people besides myself involved. But your point is well-taken; I need to increase my mindfulness of others in different places and have an ear and heart for their thoughts and experiences as well. Indeed, the first thing I did after moving on to a different church was to contact all my past Bible students and ask their forgiveness for the ways I had hurt them or trampled on them in the name of shepherding. Like everyone else, I had done everything with the motive of love, but that doesn’t change that I did some wrong things.

First, I don’t think the concept of “self-forgetfulness” is applicable for me in how to deal with abuse experienced in the church, because what has been done has not only done to me but also to others. I cannot just forget what has been done to others. Maybe I can forgive and forget what has been done to me, but how can I forgive has been done to others (in the name of God even)? How can I forget if the system that is producing the abuse still exists? When others are being hurt in my church, this hurts me just as much as when I am hurt myself. Don’t you think so? Why then is everybody only talking about personal hurt?

Second, I think if UBF members would have more of self-forgetfulness, more of them would write here and join the discussion. Having fear of leaders and our “standing” in the church is a sure sign that people are not self-forgetful. The attitude of “I don’t care” isn’t a sign of humbleness, but a sign of lovelessness.

It seems appropriate to me that the cross was on the side of a mountain: it can be approached from above or from below. Those who are oppressed and wounded and broken can come up from their valley of pain to see their vast importance and value in God’s love, while those who are proud and self-congratulating can come down from their holy mountain-top to see their utter wretchedness, for which Christ died. And so self-forgetfulness leads to the same place as self-awareness: the cross of Jesus. The richness of the cross is so great that it brings the wounded and the wounder to the same place, where they find each other and–strangely, joyfully–also find that His wounds are sufficient to heal them both.

By “not be hurt,” I do not and did not mean you do not feel hurt. I meant, but failed to explain, that though you hurt because others had abused you, yet you find comfort and solace from the hurt because of Christ’s amazing grace and love.

Just by your own gradual resolution of the hurt from abuses that you had experienced, I believe that your hurt, as you processed it by God’s help and grace, no longer hurt you as much as it originally did. That is what I meant by “not be hurt,” without adequate clarification.

What I would add is that as you are “no longer hurt” (because of self-forgetfulness in Christ and his grace of taking our punishment for sin), it does not allow the perpetrators of abuse off the hook. They should still be accountable and responsible, regardless of their “good intentions,” and regardless of whether they intended to abuse others or not. The fact that they did spiritually abuse their sheep “absolutely” needs to be acknowledged, confessed and repented of, just as they themselves had required of their sheep to confess and repent when they instructed their sheep about writing their testimonies. It absolutely must also be sincere, which is also what they instructed sheep when writing testimonies.

This is one of my major sticking points with some UBF leaders who, in my opinion, want to let their fellow missionaries off “easy.” It does not reveal the justice and righteousness of God, nor the justice and righteousness of the cross of Christ. Instead, it reveals favoritism and partiality toward missionaries, while natives and juniors have to just “take it on the chin,” “be thankful,” “don’t complain,” and “just forgive.”

If this needs further clarification, please do say so. Again, I am truly sorry for using the insensitive phrase “not be hurt,” especially when there have been countless cases of very well documented abuses by UBF missionaries through out the world over the last few decades.

Is this now the time for those who have abused others to be self-forgetful in Christ, so that they humbly and sincerely acknowledge, confess and repent of their sins of spiritual abuse?

Hi Ben, I disagree with your statement above. What does being self-forgetful in Christ have to do with not being hurt by others? One who is abused and does not feel hurt would be a strange person indeed, not a real human being. If we are wronged, we are hurt. If we are so disconnected from our emotions that we are numb to our own pain, then we are very unhealthy. When I am numb to my own pain, how can I empathize with others’ pain? If I am not honest with the wrongs that occurred in my life and deal with them properly, how can I help others do so? We are not angels, we are people. When I look at Christ, I do not see One who is not hurt by the wrongs that were done Him. Rather, I see One who is deeply hurt and yet endured it so that by His wounds, the wounded can be healed.

We can talk a lot about self-forgetfulness, but I think it’s absolutely the wrong conversation to have. UBFers are experts in self-forgetfulness and self-denial. We deny ourselves and take up our cross to such an extent that we are actually forgetting who we are as individual human beings. We aspire to be angels who don’t feel emotion and don’t have to deal with messy things like wounds and hurt and what happened here or there. I’m done forgetting myself and forgetting my family and sacrificing my identity and receiving my core values from others. I want to remember myself and understand who I truly am as a unique individual in Christ Jesus. As I’ve said before, healing is when you can remember the hurt without feeling the pain.

If there is any practical application with regards to criticism and abuse at all, it would be this: Only one who is self-forgetful in Christ is able to take criticism or abuse and not be hurt.

If I have been hurt as a junior, then I can find my freedom and self-forgetfulness in Christ who justifies me and heals me.

If I have abused others as a senior, then unless I am truly self-forgetful in Christ, I will not own up to what I did, but will keep defending myself or defending other abusers. Might this be what is happening?