But our common experience is the shaming and blaming the wife for the husband’s sins. Since I was a sort of “fruitful poster boy of UBF,” everything that goes wrong is her fault, which obviously really hurt her. I would always insist to her that it is NOT HER FAULT, but it did not comfort her much because of the public perception and sentiment (usually subtle and subjective) that it was her fault, if say “I was not growing.”

Let me just say the obvious: THIS IS BAD THEOLOGY that is totally the vile imagination of some UBF leaders. Sadly, it continues today. It must be exposed for what it is and remedies sought!

The other HORRIBLE THING is that some older UBF leaders acknowledge the husband and IGNORE THE WIFE in public and private. It is as though they are so high and holy that they cannot lower themselves even to greet or acknowledge the woman’s existence. (Maybe they think it communicates how pure and spiritual they are that they are not moved at all by any woman!) This too is highly demeaning, sexist and unbecoming of any Christian leader. Incidentally, this just happened in a certain place within the last 24 hours! but I should probably keep the details confidential. (I’m trying to keep you in suspense like Joe!)

Getting off the wheel may or may not mean leaving the ministry. But stop is the “one word” the Holy Spirit is saying to ubf people these days.

And why were we too busy even to get to know our spouses? Why were we too busy to properly care for our children? Why are so many ubf couples finally stating the obvious fact that they should get to know each other?

The main reason I found is because we bought into and sold out to the false worldivew vision of double ministry. We already discussed this here, but the ubf double ministry slogan is nothing more than a logically false, loyalty building, biblically unsound, and utterly futile lie.

From a Christian perspective, yes. But from a ubf worldview perspective, no. I heard about problems in ubf all 24 years. In response I did two things: a) stick my head in the sand and live in denial of the problems and b) store up such things in my heart.

My first action made me an enabler of spiritual abuse. My second action seems to have been Spirit-inspired. In the past 2 years since resigning as a ubf director in 2011, I have realized the value of storing up all those things. I now have much to process and I also have much written material to prove my points. I have boxes and boxes of ubf papers, material, etc. and hundreds of megabytes of electronic documents, emails, screenshots, databases, etc.

So back to your quote. One reason why the mistakes weren’t acknowledged is because of the re-definition of terms. So in the ubf worldview I had developed, any mistake was seen as “serving” and any problem was a “blessing”. So when I made the mistake of breaking into my director’s house and stealing his belongings in the middle of winter, I was “blessing his family” and “serving him in love”, in my worldview. This worldviewism is all very dangerous, to redefine reality like this.

The comment from Brian yesterday, “and even more rare for women who left ubf to speak up” struck me just now.

One thing that has always bothered me as a sheep, a single shepherd and now a married man is the negative attitude against women in UBF. I have always heard the turn of phrase, “…that shepherd was following God until he met that wayward woman.” In discourse it appears to be the wife’s fault if a house church leaves UBF. It rarely or never seems to be the husbands fault or decision – unless you are me of course.

I think we need to support our wives and be prepared for repenting even ourselves. I say this because when we were students, single shepherds and even after marriage I am sure we stood by silently while a sister or shepherdess or even our wife was scolded unjustly. It was my silence that has led me to speak up now, because it is not just about my complaints about my bad experience, but also about my wife’s bad experience and so on…

“Sadly for many, like me, our uniqueness was squelched by peer pressure, feelings of inadequacy, or diapproval. We didn’t have the chance to explore or develop our gift. It still hangs inside us like a half-finished piece of art….surely God wants us to reclaim it. To stop filling our days with distractions that deter us from using our hearts and souls. To get off the hamster wheel.”

Not only being separated from your spouse but also from your very young children is UNBIBLICAL. I was away from my young children for way to much. Not only that but it nearly ruined us financially. Ok, I’ll stop here.

Anyhow, I am happy that I could raise the issue of women and a woman’s perspective because I was ashamed I could not publicly stand up for my wife. I was afraid that my actions might have worse consequences for her – so I decided to take a more passive aggressive approach to the situation rather than face it head on. I knew in my heart that I would be okay and that she would suffer for my foolish (albeit well meant) efforts. The most important thing for us was that I recognized what was happening and supported my wife’s feelings since she was the outsider to our chapter.

Regarding separating men and women such as the cars incident – what more can I say. It was a predictable situation. First, you monitor, judge and approve all male/female interaction in the church. Next, you deem my behaviour acceptable. Later you encourage my engagement and marriage to get my trust and loyalty. After that, you do your best to keep my relationship with you the strongest and my wife’s relationship the strongest with your wife. The result for the married couple can vary at best. I agree with Joshua’s much simpler summary of the matter.

I have another topic to be posted and discussed – but I can’t initiate – too little experience. I can’t remember where I read from Joshua but mentioning about baby sitting 6 times a week and the baby wasn’t weened yet….

Anyhow, the topic I propose is not exactly about second gens (from their point of view) but about parents and what should be done. Priorities please! I thought that the first wave of missionaries made a mess and the first set of second gens had to reconcile with their parents. If the mistakes have already been made by the first wave – shouldn’t the problem have been solved to prevent repeating the same matters? Basically, the topic should address serving in ministry with some common sense. If a baby or child needs their parent for practical matters then do the right thing!! It is not a sin to be responsible for your dependents (and I am talking about your (1 month – 10 year old etc….) not your church activity.

ubf is somewhat odd in that it is male-dominated and female-controlled. It is rare that men and women do ministry together in ubf, and even more rare for women who left ubf to speak up.

I think we need to hear the voice of women here. From what I’ve learned from my wife, “brother’s ministry” and “sister’s ministry” are vastly different, so different in fact that they might be two different universes.

What do women think about all this? Maybe we could have some articles submitted to discuss new topics?

I honestly think that some cannot. If they do, they will repent and revert to their original stance. :-)

As Brian pointed out, one good thing is that the LOUDEST leaders have become the most SILENT leaders. This is actually refreshing to not have to hear those who like the reverberation of their own voices, as though it was the voice of rushing waters!

gc…Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that God gives everyone the courage to tell their story of the cruelty and unnecessary pain that is happening in UBF. The sad thing is that many of these things are done for “Christ’s sake”. Enough is Enough!! Cant any of the UBF leaders see that this is not Christ like…..

Just one quick comment: “For example, the first local retreat/conference after our wedding the director’s wife organized the cars, separating me and my wife..”

That is so common in ubf – the separation of husband and wife. My wife and I just got used to living as single people for over 16 years of our marriage.

I did marry by faith, however, the example in my life was set apart to say the least. First of all, it had not been in my home chapter – frankly, the prayer topic had never been publicly voiced about my marriage. But when entering a different chapter by my own human right and decision the matter greeted me the first SWS I attended. Very strange I thought, and honestly unsettling. Engagement is not a game nor is it something to be taken lightly, but apparantly where I was attending the chapter director regarded it as sport (a competition against other chapter directors) to establish as many house churches as possible. I might add without the sincere conviction from the student so long as they obeyed what was instructed before and after.

I had been used to my home chapter environment and I had my own differences about the marriage matter. Over the years I accepted that either I meet someone outside UBF and leave or remain in UBF and eventually consent to a marriage by faith. Needless to say I have my own sour experiences over this matter which do not need to be restated. I often thought the perfect scenario would be to meet someone outside and for the both of us to be part of UBF, possible but did not happen for me.

When I did move chapter the concern for my marriage was raised because of my age (which did not bother me at all). I was okay to be single but I wanted respect in the ministry as a single. In reality I realized that you can give your time, money, effort, friendships and everything else to serving the ministry in the name of self-denial and sacrifice but it still won’t buy/get you the respect that should be given to all of God’s servants and children. House churches hold status that is not real.

I took several months evading the interest of the chapter director. In fact on one occasion the director actually said that he would do the same for me as he had done for another shepherd and leader. It was just the same as when Jesus had fasted and prayed and was tempted three times. I was unnerved by this approach at the time and slipped further away from the topic of marriage. I still maintained my commitment level to morning DB, Friday meeting and SWS, but I often came and went as a student would have.

It was not until several months of personal prayer and devotion and reflection that I accepted to prepare a life testimony for engagement. I shared it at a conference but many attendants had no idea what the purpose was for – and frankly I always….always shared revised life testimonies over the years. Anyhow, after that conference that was it. The testimony was submitted and the rest is history.

I can honestly say in my example of engagement and marriage everything happened so suddenly and was done in secret from all other directors and shepherds outside of my chapter (including my home chapter). The only reason why anyone would have guessed the truth was the obvious situation when my future wife and I sat together during a ceremony right after our engagement ceremony.

My wife and I did take the time to use all of the various tools online to get to know each other because we really couldn’t court or meet as we were in different cities. Maybe it was my bad influence on her – but we communicated very often so that it became a joke to us and even to those around us. We did get to know each other and soon discovered that the decision we had made was before God and not men. But that did not stop our chapter director. After the marriage I had predictable disagreements because there is no pleasing me – EVER! For example, the first local retreat/conference after our wedding the director’s wife organized the cars, separating me and my wife – I had that changed immediately. When my wife shared some abuse about control, communication, trust, obedience, priorities and overall understanding of her place as a woman and as a wife all guided by the director’s wife I was irate.

Even a discovered pregnancy was treated harshly. My wife had only discovered the matter and was accepting it herself when a nasty text message read “what sort of person are you for keeping this a secret?” (I am paraphrasing this.) It was no secret – it was fresh news that we as a married couple needed to digest before we shared with anyone else – is that so wrong? Because of the troubles I had had in the past I was always ready for a fight.

Soon, trouble hit my wife and I because we were to be separated by powers outside of our hands. I thank God that we married not because of chapter directors but because we had conviction that the time was right and that the person introduced was the best one. God worked in our hearts and somehow united us together in sincerity despite the politics of ministry. We have not been apart since those few months and our family is doing well and growing in faith and love everyday.

All this to say – I am very aware of problems in engagement and marriage. This discussion includes behaviours and controls upon couples etc… Personally, if a leader or chapter director sins once, repents and sincerely corrects his/her ways then I can not only forgive them but embrace them in the love of Christ. But if that leader repeatedly makes the same mistake again and again after being exposed by the community without repenting then I believe that leader/director should be stripped of their position and the matter must be addressed.

We all must be accountable. A chapter director must be accountable for their leadership before God and the congregation. A shepherd must be accountable for their serving or love for their sheep (true heart motive: what’s good for the image of the shepherd vs. what’s beneficial for the sheep).

The two people to be engaged must be accountable for their seen and unseen motive to marry in the first place. They must not only demonstrate to the congregation their respect for marriage but also their sincere love for each other. Jesus accepted us, all of us – we must accept that person who may be our future spouse whether or not they come from our chapter and we know them or they come from a different chapter and we don’t know them or even a different country. There is much I have left out on purpose, but my story is here.

Before we can serve our Christian mission in the family we must have:
1) personal faith
2) be mature in spirit
3) be prepared for differences with our spouse and even our children
4) have complimentary ways of serving God with others
5) be open to new approaches or ways we can be useful in God and also see others in that same light

There are many more things I can say but this comment is becoming an essay.

Some missionaries cannot be told “you’re not perfect,” because they have no sense of humor, they take themselves so seriously, or they are strongly controlled and ruled by their own honor and glory.

BACON

PIGs is my own sin. It is such no longer. It is now bacon or pork chops.

And I viewed the #1 article here several times just because “It is a site about ubf and #1 article is this one… What is Limbo? … I forgot what is Limbo, let’s view it once more. Why do people view this article so much? What is it about?…”. I suppose that many others (especially silent readers) view it the same way. Actually they are attracted with the “ubf” topics and “ubfriends”. Unfortunately the article is not about ubf.

There is a Korean ubf hardliner somewhere laughing… thinking “Look at those foolish Americans, anyone who attends an Interest Group where real discussion might happen is a PIG! And they accept it!” That dual-meaning word-redefinition was so common in my ubf days.

But I guess that’s what happens when you get a room full of people to fearful of the director so that only words of flattery fill the air. 2 Corinthians 11:20, Proverbs 27:6

(Note: do not click on the banner ads on this website, they are not related to ubf and are not very healthy for your computer)

(No, I am not using a derogatory term, “pig” is a new ubf acronym.)

Here is the website link: ubf pigs at isbc

One theme of my friends who left ubf about the same time as my family was this: We thought we were the only ones who felt like this! This website helps ubfers realize you are not alone.

And by the way, the flash-bang approach works. Evidence of that is that I had a wonderful and joyful dinner for about 2 hours with ATK a couple weeks ago in Chicago. I had good fellowship with AW and JK in Ben and Christy’s house. And even as recently as two weeks ago, I met my shepherd in person and hugged him several times.

I seek reconciliation and I’m not going away until it happens.

At the moment of my leaving (though the Holy Spirit hadn’t yet come alive in me) I rebuked the director that he didn’t consult anyone and made such a great mistake in a tyranical way with so many painful consequences. He replied that he was not wrong but was absolutely right and that I was wrong thinking he was wrong. Only once (after politically wise advices of his ubf top consultants) he confessed to some brothers, ” I made some mistakes, I talked to you sharply”. He has been “perfect” and I remember the trainings I had after I shareed in a sogam that “Even msn David is not perfect… only Jesus is perfect”. I was rebuked that I said such “ugly negative unthankful” words about my shepherd who turned out to be more perfect than Jesus ))

Yes someone was asking that very question about me in 2011: “Is he demon-possessed?”

That is part of what I mean by being crucified. I know people in ubf will see me as evil (but no one in ubf would dare say so publicly or directly to me because the ubf mindset always beats around the bush). I wish they would share with me how they feel, but it won’t happen.

Last week the Boston police used a harsh tactic against suspect #2 called flash-bangs. The flash-bang is a grenade that stuns the suspect momentarily and wakes them up to the notion that they had better cooperate. It seems too cruel, but given the extreme harm and loss of life and resistance to confess and cooperate, the police had no choice.

A flash-bang approach is actually an expression of grace in that situation. How would this situation have been handled in Africa or the Middle East or other places? The suspect would have been shot dead or hanged without a trial. The flash-bang approach causes temporary harm without doing longterm damage.

That has been my approach to ubf directors these past 2 years, sparked by the phone call back in April 2011. Given the refusal to cooperate with reformers the past 50 YEARS and the stubborn refusal even TO TALK about serious problems led me to follow the flash-bang approach.

I am an unlikely person to do so, as I was universally known as the “quietest man in ubf” and also “the most shy man in ubf”. I was known in many places, even in Russia, as a “most loyal and faithful ubf man.”

And just in case anyone is wondering, my flash-bang approach will stop when I see signs of actual corporate repentance. And in case you are still wondering, God has given me, through His Spirit, a rather large supply of flash-bangs :/ It pains me greatly to follow this approach. But how many reform movements will it take? We won’t wait another 50 years for a ubf mission statement that includes Jesus or wait 5 decades for missionaries to “get it”.

Yes, common reaction :) Joe and Ben are “in” and I am “out”, so that makes a huge difference. But also I’ve been doing and saying some intentionally harsh words (sort of a flash-bang approach) so that Detroit UBF does not just disappear like several other chapters (i.e. the first Columbus Ohio chapter, Stuttgaart, Winnepeg, etc.)

One person told me when I visited them, “You are so scary online but so nice in person!” In truth, I am simply being my self, and learning and growing and expressing 24 years of pent up frustration. That is my crazy, ugly, scary, beautiful, wonderful, amazing self of who I am and who I am becoming.

Really I only become “ugly” when someone crosses the line of grace, love and justice.

I am so sorry to hear your story. That is just insane and awful. I do not see Gods heart in this at all!! Im in disbelief that Christians could flat out lie and cause so much unnecessary stress and pain to satisfy their own ego and pride. It makes me wonder if they truly understand the true gospel of love and grace, because their is no evidence in their actions.

I also married by Faith, but like Joshua, I wish we had courted. Its only recently that we have taken a step back to really get to know each other and face each other. I recommend “A weekend to Remember” by family life. I can honestly say this weekend changed the way we viewed our marriage. It has truly enhanced our marriage from a biblical perspective( which is so different from what UBF teaches), and has helped us go deeper in a relationship.

If anyone places loyalty above the bible, and obedience above justice, they do not fully understand the gospel messages Jesus proclaimed.

At that moment, I knew I had a God-ordained task: Preach the gospel of Jesus to ubf directors.

So when a person starts thinking for themselves or asking too many questions about taboo topics or starts reading ubfriends blogs, then ubf directors give you a “spiritual problem” and then say “See you are so rebellious. Maybe you are the one who is spiritually dead. Why do you suddenly attack me?”

(Note: those are not made up words. Those are the words spoken to me on the phone immediately after I started asking questions, BEFORE I wrote even a single blog post!)

Then the final nail of frustration is that the “dis-loyal” person then has to listen to ubf people say “Just forgive. Be like Jesus. Just be quiet and move on with your life!”

“Green wrote in reply that “all the things you shared about me lording it over the sheep are very true,” and he promised to discontinue the following practices that had been criticized:

Green also expressed his intention to add more personnel so that the work week could be cut to a more normal length. And finally, he promised to be more open to suggestions and willing to make changes in the future. Tragically for Green, the future proved to be very short. The young pastor was killed in the crash of his private plane in July of 1982.”

Unfortunately, ubf remains one of the few (the only?) groups listed as part of the Shepherding Movement who has not corporately repented :(

“While Christian Growth Ministries, Crossroads, and Maranatha are among the most prominent of the shepherding organizations, there are many others. Most of these are self-contained; that is, they retain the internal sheep-shepherd structure, but may or may not include the pyramidal hierarchy that culminates in a nationwide or international organization. Among these groups are “Gathering of Believers,” led by Larry Tomczak; Carl Stevens’ “The Bible Speaks,” Hobart Freeman’s “Faith Assembly;” “Last Days Ministries,” founded by the late Keith Green; “University Bible Fellowship;” and “Champaign-Urbana Ministries.”

“Note from CISNEO: Since the publication of Ms. Blood’s articles in 1984 there have been changes in the Shepherding/Discipleship Movement. Some leaders (most notably Bob Mumford) publicly renounced the practice (Ministries Today, January/February 1990). However, because the method of control was (and still is) prevalent in some groups (not all of them charismatic in nature), it is still useful to understand the structure and behavior that characterize the practice.”

The lesson for me is this: in my zeal for the great things of God, I must not neglect the small things of God, even such small things as gravity. I am not superhuman, I should not expect myself to be superhuman, and I should not push the people around me to be superhuman. The best I can expect for myself and others is to love Jesus as much as possible and, when I’m confronted with my wrongdoing, sincerely own up to it and make every effort to make it right.

I am always trying to explain why do such things happen?

I believe it is that some leaders TRULY TRULY believe they have the RIGHT/AUTHORITY to do what they do to sheep by GOD’S AUTHORITY. They functionally operate as though:

* their assessment is God’s correct assessment.
* they must ensure commitment to UBF, because that is the only evidence of commitment to God.
* their (drastic) course of action is pleasing to God and thus approved by God.
* any voice of complaint or objection against them is very strongly repulsive to them because any complaint against “a servant of God” is a great sin against God.

So even if they say “I’m sorry,” as MarthoO shared, they really have NO IDEA under heaven what they are sorry for!!! They think they are being humble by saying “I’m sorry.” But it often comes across as more subtle arrogance, like, “See how humble I am by saying that I am sorry!”

+1

From a report written by a Korean member in 1989: “I even was displaced and held from my Dortmund dormitory to Cologne until I could escape in the night. That is another reason why I still fear, that the UBF people could come again and kidnap me.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!! My suggestion for the next one:

5) How ensure your church will be labeled as a cult.

1) Using Marriage as Training is Un-Biblical and Non-Christian.

2) Should Deciding Who and When to Marry Belong to the UBF Chapter Director?

3) Threatening to Cancel One’s Marriage…Where Did That Come From?

4) Kidnapping a Spouse Before Marriage Should Not Be Done.

Any other suggestions?

It goes without saying that your wedding began with inexcusable trauma. Even if you were disobedient, that does not give anyone the right to play God with your life.

My wife and I fortunately did not experience a breaking off of the engagement, but we did experience a fist-pounding, angry rebuke just before our wedding day. Our sin? We were told angrily that we were “too busy-minded, running around like chickens with our head cut off!” Perhaps if we had more than 3 weeks to prepare for the biggest moment of our lives at that time, we might not have been so “busy-minded”.

As I’ve share before, I tricked the MbF system to marry whom I wanted, and fortunately we had known each other somewhat for about 5 years. But still we were given only 3 weeks from engagement to marriage ceremony. We knew that if we “messed up” and spent the proper time to prepare, our engagement would have been called off…

Unusual for UBF, we had been engaged for about 1 year, we had an official engagement ceremony and were wearing engagement rings. But then, just about 2 weeks before our wedding, everything was already planned, guests already invited, our engagement was suddenly broken. It was not broken by me. It was not broken by my fiancée. It was in fact broken by my chapter director and his wife. In a sudden outburst of temper, because I did not appear to be obedient enough, he let his wife tell my fiancée bad things about me, and kind of “kidnapped” her through a Korean missionary to another UBF chapter. When I asked about her, I was told by his wife she did not knew where she was (which was a lie) and she gave me a direful hint “I don’t even know if you’re still in UBF”. In the end, God did not allow it to happen that way, and we luckily married anyway. Well, not so luckily in reality, because the traumatic experience of that “kidnapping night” was still laying on us when we should have had the most romantic days of our lives. On our wedding photos, where the bride is supposed to look happy, my wife looks so stressed, because of all the ugly stuff we went through in the days before. Can you imagine that even after such treatment we still stayed in UBF? Every normal person would have left such a group and run away as quickly as he could, but we were so indoctrinated at that time, that it took us another year to recognize we had been in a cult, through the things revealed in the reform movement of 2001. Only then we started to see the whole picture. I was like a blindfold was taken from our eyes.

Later I understood that our case was not the only one where engagements and marriage plans were cancelled by UBF directors, and that they had even ordered members to divorce when one spouse wanted to leave UBF.

“The deceptive spirit may be able to fly under the radar in other contexts, but when it comes to marriage and a person’s life is on the line, someone who may submit to that spirit in other contexts, will inevitably resist in the marriage consideration process since the stakes are higher.”

Yes, indeed, when marriage comes up, the resistance of “sheep” becomes greater, and extreme in a lot of cases. What intrigues me is your phrase “someone who may submit to that spirit in other contexts….”

The ubf blue book (50th Anniversary lectures) takes quite a bit of space to orient people to the ubf spirit. Much is mentioned, but such “spirit of the community” is intentionally distinguished from the Holy Spirit and from Jesus.

Your thoughts, Anon, help me understand why SO many people leave ubf during or right after MbF. They seemed to be always so “humble” and “loyal” and “obedient”, faithfully upholding the ubf spirit. But when that spirit requires them to sacrifice their marriage and commit their whole life to the ubf spirit (effectively “marrying” the ubf spirit) they tend to freak out.

I think creating a culture where freedom in Christ is suffocated and the proper forms of human autonomy is seen as “selfish” and against “living by faith” can lead to all kinds of heartache and confusion with anything. Where the spirit of manipulation and human control resides, someone’s going to get hurt. And when that spirit invades the matrimonial process the damaging effects become all the more evident.

The deceptive spirit may be able to fly under the radar in other contexts, but when it comes to marriage and a person’s life is on the line, someone who may submit to that spirit in other contexts, will inevitably resist in the marriage consideration process since the stakes are higher.

I’m listening to a very interesting and insightful series called “Theology of the Body” from a Catholic guy. Its provides a lot of biblical context for thinking about sex and marriage and two becoming one and the profound mystery. Really good stuff.

“As mentioned, I hope that such unhealthy practices may soon be addressed.”

It won’t be addressed. Sure, over time, over the past 50 years, MbF has changed in minor ways. But the cultic, circular logic regarding marriage is too deeply embedded in the ubf fabric. The circular thought pattern goes like this:

You love Jesus right?
Yes.
Then prove your love by your obedience!
Ok, how do I do that?
You must marry by faith, the ultimate test of faith!
Why should I marry by faith and not for love?
Because you love Jesus.
But if I already love Jesus, why do I have to prove my love?
You want to be the most blessed people, don’t you?
Yes.
Then marry by faith! Grab the blessing!
Ok…

I completely disagree that someone should “just do it by faith, and trust God that s/he is the right one.” God gave us brains, consciences, and instructions in Scripture for a reason: so that we use them to make the best decision we can.

After God led us to move on, we had to start looking at each other. We realized that because UBF was the reason we married, leaving it left a huge vacuum in our marriage. After 6 years, I was just beginning to learn who my wife really is. All sorts of things came to the surface that we had not been able to see because, frankly, our attitude was like, “It doesn’t really matter who you are, let’s get married and serve God in UBF together, and I’ll love you.” Everything was hyper-spiritualized, saying “This marriage is for God, this marriage is for God’s glory, for campus ministry, Abraham and Sarah, etc etc” which sounds good, but it really it masks that we had no idea who were marrying, what it meant, and why we were doing it. Things that we should have dealt with as a couple in a normal engagement remained below the surface for years. To be honest, after leaving UBF, I began to dislike my wife and struggled to embrace the new person she was becoming, which was actually the same person she was all along underneath the UBF identity. I think that she may probably say something similar. We’ve been seeing a Christian counselor to work through some of these things and others.

So, to respond to your comment, I say: it cannot be over emphasized that couples should be able to get to know each other and marry each other FOR each other. Marriage should be TO a person, FOR a person, founded in mutual love for Christ, and directed toward each other. If that isn’t happening for whatever reason, call the engagement off.

Since I know both of these women, my sense was that our UBF culture of emphasizing marrying by faith as God’s way to marry has caused some to say “Yes” when they should have said “No” from the outset. Then when they finally do say “No,” they suffer the negative repercussions of that from others in the church, and from their own “false” guilt that was created by our church culture.

In our culture, engagement is not taken so seriously and it is acceptable (and probably advisable in some instances) to break an engagement if done in a loving and Christ-honouring way. I think that the weight of Scripture indicates that marriage is a covenant, not engagement.

I don’t know the situation in discussion (obviously) but something else that may be relevant is that many engagements in UBF occur before a significant courting period can occur. (In my case, my wife and I met only 3 times before we married, if you can believe it! I guess 3 times was all that was needed, Praise the Lord!) If after being engaged and getting to know the person, incompatibilities are uncovered, it is only sensible to break the engagement. Avoiding dating may have some benefits, but dating/courting is useful in learning about a person before committing your life to them. I don’t regret anything about my marriage except I wish I had gotten to know even more about how wonderful my wife is before I married her.

Of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms: what does it mean to do something “by faith”? I’ve been stewing on this for a while and am preparing to write an article with my thoughts. Stay posted–or assume the crash position :)

Lastly, I strongly agree with Ben’s point regarding the gospel. The most liberating, empowering, and enlivening thing I ever learned is that I cannot diminish God’s love, and that nothing I do makes me more or less acceptable to Him, and that pleasing Him is not primarily by what I do but by remaining in His love. When I am secure in the love of God through the gospel of Jesus Christ, then I am prone to live, act, think, behave, and speak in ways that are honourable to Him. We are to live before God alone. Christians should never guilt-trip anyone. I think that guilt and feelings of condemnation are never of God. They are tools of the enemy to keep us from living fully in God’s love and grace. It is not the responsibility of God’s servants to make a person feel guilty, but to correct, exhort, and encourage in the truth, and to assure those who repent of the sufficiency of Jesus’ cross.

* the person breaking the engagement should prayerfully do so with the utmost of gentleness and compassion.

* the person hurt/devastated by the break up, if a Christian, may prayerfully see the hand of God’s perfect sovereignty and personal love for him/her in this heartbreaking event.

I don’t think I could easily solve this dilemma if it were my own.

But the problem is that sometimes faith is communicated by Bible teachers and preachers as though it were a work. I think that it is then then that that “faith” becomes a “work righteousness.”