In the meantime, I’ll email the links to Brian K and perhaps he can stick them somewhere on UBFriends. Actually, maybe in the discussion stuck in limbo page. That might be a good metaphorical place for them anyway. The Well…is an ongoing discussion stuck in limbo…

There were times I was skimming very fast through articles. I didn’t do them justice, but I was trying to pick up some recurring topics and themes. But along the way I saw that you covered different spiritual topics to enrich and broaden. there were comments removed due to poor taste and an effort to stay on topic and not dominate a thread with just a couple people. I saw how a person can be vocal against and yet still very committed to UBF. This is a group of people trying to find an answer to questions we should all be asking.

I’d also like to recommend John Mulinde’s website where he talks about his encounters with evil. It may be hard for some to believe it could even happen, but it highlights who the real enemy is and who we must really fight in this world. It also is inspiring to know we have all the power of God at our disposal in his word and in prayer to fight this abominable foe.

Finally, we need to always be ready to be honest with ourselves and probe our hearts for the fundamental reasons of our unhappiness. I agree that leadership should be held responsible for not promoting and encouraging grace, focusing too heavily on works. Along with that came politics, manipulation, deceit… at the same time, it is important for each person to be responsible before God for the choices they have made and ask ourselves why we made them and why our relationship with God has broken and our joy robbed.

When I started teaching Bible students, I had love for them. At the same time there was a love of power and control creeping in as well. This was very scary and I had to step back again. But I could see how this could lead to abuse. I’ve seen the desire to please God turn into desire to be recognized and control.

After my youngest child got in a major accident, I held up like a trooper. But afterwards when everything was ok I started to fall into depression. It was as if I was stripped of everything and crouching like a naked child in the dark. I tried to be positive and get strength from praise songs, but I fell back and Satan would hurl his arrows at me at how I did not deserve to live and was worthless, useless. During that time I had avoided really coming to God bc of the unspoken thoughts: Why did this happen? Am I safe? Can i protect my children? and bc i insisted my innocence and determined that I had nothing to confess to God in this matter. But when I searched myself I realized I had wanted it all, I wanted to be envied for my house, family, car, career. I also wanted to be envied for my (non-existent) ministry, “sacrifice”, “shepherd” life. So i tried to develp strategies to get the most return for minimal effort and become some kind of star. When I confessed my ulterior motives and double mind and recommitted myself to loving God and my neighbor as he led and desired, it felt like a blanket had been placed on me to cover my shame and weakness. At the same time, satans arrows could not get through that covering. Other times I couldn’t let go of control of my life, other times I couldn’t accept God loved another person as much as he loved me.

Anyway I want to end with some songs: “wide awake” by Katy perry which I started singing randomly and which kind of matches the theme of this site. And “unredeemed” by selah and “grace” and “blessings” by Laura Story which are great songs of grace and redemption.

This shows that even old-time Koreans can overcome their barrier of hierarchical thinking. The only problem is that most of the nice Korean leaders of that kind have gone in the 3 reform movements, and what remains are those leaders who are really stubborn and fixated about hierarchy, honor and keeping face. They may even believe that they remained because they were the more spiritual and steadfast people.

http://thewellretreat.org/retreat.html

I confess over the last couple days, after being admittedly frustrated with the tone of dialogue on this site, I was planning to post excerpts of Thomas a Kempis “Imitation of Christ” every single day until people got tired of me posting boring UBFriends articles without restraint or accountability. :)

Then the Holy Spirit intervened…

And in the end, I felt I was emotionally reacting rather than seeking to contribute positively to the dialogue so I decided against it. Ben, Joe and Brian K know about this and they were patient with me, like good friends tend to be with their friends–showing patience and understanding while being willing to gently confront one another with the truth. May our communities both in UBF and UBFriends be characterized by genuine friendship in Christ. I believe both communities (UBF and UBFriends) can get there, so I maintain my hope for both.

[Note: Yes I know these offers are ridiculous and my speaking at a ubf event would be highly problematic, but where are all the men of courage and women of bravery at ubf? Where are all the Deborahs and Gideons? Can’t they handle some HOT discussion?]

Oh! the beating around the bush! so frustrating and sickening to say the least.

ATK met me also, but he came only to tell me that “God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable.” I really felt like he didn’t know what he was talking about. Wish I had spoke to him at that time how I understand what “gifts” and “call” mean to me without the UBF lens.

So the question really is “what next?” when the reconciling parties completely fail (or at least pretend) to see the real issues. I think I too have given up all hope and simply giving in to enjoying God and the community (just our two families) and the prospects of pursuing a full time teaching career with some doors being opened to be an occasional itinerant preacher. (This might actually come to some ubf leaders as a relief, because one criticizer will be less!)

Whether past and present ubf leaders write/preserve their history correctly or not, there is One who is the most excellent at determining the end from the beginning. How we will fill in between has been left open to us (that too are being entered into His Books), and each choice has it’s consequence, albeit eternal.

I also really like Friend’s positive outlook in this article, when he talks about healthy communication skills he says, “these are not learned naturally. They are skills that need to be taught and learned.”

Maybe it’s an idealistic view point that these skills can be learned in UBF. Maybe it’s practical, maybe it isn’t (although at this given moment it seems like change with top leaders is impossible.) But who knows? I think if more people are aware of these issues and see a need, the whole body Christ will benefit from it. I believe in unity and solidarity, if a lot of people are noticing and saying something/speaking up; the issues can no longer go unnoticed.

Moreover, churches that are not gospel-centered will dry out on their own. So many 2nd gents don’t want to stay in UBF anyway. We’ll see what happens 10 years from now. In the mean time I personally want to find like-minded people (whether in UBF or not) with a heart for the church as a whole. I’m glad for ubfriends.org because it connects people and facilitates critical thinking about important topics. It’s a valuable tool to any change that might happen. Thank God for technology.

“What next?” is a good question, and also one I’ve thought a lot about. Your call at the end to wait on God, “Let us wait on God in full expectation,” however, left me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. For one, it is true that we cannot help but to wait on God who will accomplish his purpose. And we should wait with full expectation because God is good and God is able. However, I don’t think it means that that is the only thing we can do.

The story of Joshua and the Israelites immediately came to mind (Joshua 7:1-12). Particularly, Joshua 7:10-11, which say: “The Lord said to Joshua, “Stand up! What are you doing down on your face? Israel has sinned; they have violated my covenant, which I commanded them to keep. They have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen, they have lied, they have put them with their own possessions.”

Maybe the time is not to put our faces to the ground and wait, but to stand up and clean up.

For years, I ignored the corporate issues. I honestly didn’t find them relevant to me on a day to day basis. My chapter is on the west coast USA. In many ways, we were removed from UBF at large, in part because of the physical distance, but also, I believe, because of the practice of the former chapter director. He welcomed me and treated me like a fellow person in Christ. I received so many benefits from the freedom he gave me. I was also single and more carefree. But now as a person responsible for a family and seeing much younger people being brought in and indoctrinated in this or that way, and thinking about the future of these younger people, and for fear of ending up counted as one of the “lost generation,” as Joe called it, I am increasingly uneasy with our corporate position. I also thought the bottom up approach would serve best and that I would live and do well in my immediate environment. But that is just for me, here, and now. What about my children? Should they be part of this place at large? What about other new people being brought in?

The website Brian recently uncovered is quite telling to me that what’s next for UBF as a corporate body is maintaining the status quo. It is not interested in listening or changing. It is strongly against change for fear of losing what it thinks makes it distinctly “UBF,” despite the consequences to its people. I understand the intention of the website in this way because I have also heard it with my own ears from older members. It is a grave concern to them not to lose the UBF image, and, as such, are resisting change and needing to write history in its favor.

Anyway, I am still thinking about what’s next. So, thank you for your thoughtful comments for consideration.

I say let’s take up an offering to send them all to North Korea. I’ll gladly contribute if they promise to shut down ubf on American soil.

Translation from ubfism to English: “Shut the f–k up and get back to doing the work of ubf. If you become loyal to ubf heritage again, I will be happy to eat kimchee with you with much happiness.”

I don’t think I’m violating confidentiality because no one will know who this is, and the person who sent me this will never get anywhere close to this website. And even if that person sees and reads this, they will think that this is their genuine heart’s desire and prayer for me. Anyway, this is how an older UBFer blessed me through this private message today:

“Pray God may bless and help you to be a good shepherd and a best bible teacher with the deep meditation of the Bible and pouring out the Holy Spirit so that you can be used as a best servant of raising Jesus’ disciples. Hope to have a good relationship with you in Jesus. Bye.”

If anyone thinks I violated confidentiality or posted this private message inappropriately, do let me know.

Some UBF leaders have already apologized for not praying for us enough, for not “taking care” of us enough, for not being good friends to us, for not sending missionaries to Penn State to help us, and so on. Every one of those is condescending and completely misses the mark. When they have some awareness of what they have actually done and are willing to admit that it was wrong, they know how to reach me.

1) many older leaders despise/are highly suspicious of social/public media/forum.

2) many leaders are truly unfamiliar with being critiqued, disagreed with, objected to; for decades it was “breaking spiritual order” and thus regarded as anathema.

3) English is not their primary language, and they would be at a disadvantage.

4) the strong over-riding misunderstanding perpetuated to this very day that “you (absolutely) cannot and must not touch the Lord’s anointed.”

5) this levels the playing field, which again is something totally unfamiliar to many older leaders.

6) older leaders are so used to operating out of a script/agenda, but in the mindset of many leaders, this public forum throws that out the window.

7) this forum requires “absolute” honesty, transparency and vulnerability, which is humanly impossible to subject oneself to, if one has never had to do so for decades and decades.

I’m sure there are other reasons.

Realizing such seemingly insurmountable barriers and obstacles, what’s really next???

So I think it depends from chapter to chapter like most things.

As far as pastor and Paul’s title goes. I have never seen nor heard of anyone being commanded to call Paul shepherd. He prefers the title missionary anyways. He wanted me to address him this way in my life testimony. As for Paul’s lack of education, which is highly evident. I do think that I call him pastor because he perches on Sunday and administers communion.

I certainly hope that no one will attack her on UBFriends. But even if she does encounter opposition that makes her uncomfortable, why should that stop her from standing up for what she believes and proclaiming the truth with boldness and power? Not being afraid to preach and teach the truth is a main theme of UBF messages. People who see themselves as bold campus evangelists can use their courage to evangelize the readers of UBFriends. Perhaps she is more afraid of what the UBF social network would do to her if it became known that she was reading and commenting here.

“Her and her husband said it is better to visit places and try to talk to people individually” – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2014/05/12/what-next/#comment-13659

Do they actually plan to do this? If they feel it’s not their job, then whose job is it, and will they do to encourage those people (whoever they are) to do their job?

In my time in the 1990s, nobody in Germany UBF was called “pastor,” except the national director Abraham K Lee who was an exception because he claimed to have some theological education from a Korean seminary. All others were considered “shepherds”, not pastors, and were addressed with the title “shepherd” (the Germans) or “missionary” (the Koreans). I know that “pastor” means “shepherd” as well, but “pastor” is an official title and you expect a pastor to have a formal education.

I also love your fairness, objectivity, forthrightness, as well as assertiveness. What you wrote here fully resonates with me: “Initially I was taken aback by aggressive language and seemingly biased points of view. But as I continued to read, I have been impressed by the level of integrity and professionalism you have maintained throughout the website. The articles have not been offensive or slanderous but have been informative, honest, and real.

Due to the degree of honesty and open communication presented here, some of the emotions have been very raw, making some of the comments difficult to read at times. But we need to read and acknowledge people’s pain and hurt.”

Andrew Murray’s excellent quote reminds me of Phil 2:13 and Isa 40:31.

Like Joe, I too would be quite interested to know which articles or comments affected you the most. Please catch up on your sleep. And thanks so much again for your article. I want to share this with many people who I know will appreciate them.

There is an American in UBF whom I’ve known for more than 30 years. He’s old enough to be a grandfather, has served as the president of his local board of elders and is a voting member of UBF-USA. Recently, his Korean chapter director said that I shouldn’t talk to this man (except through him, the chapter director) because he didn’t want me to be to be a “bad influence” on him.

On the topic of “Only highly committed disciples who have demonstrated their loyalty are regarded as strong enough to handle the truth about the dark side of ubf.”

My pastor knows I am on here. He praises my “discerning heart”. I am not sure he would consider me ‘strong enough’. I remember him trying to make me swear I wouldn’t go to Florida once. I was highly confused by this, even more confused when he couldn’t articulate any reasoning for this command. I ended up driving 18 hours straight back so I wouldn’t miss Sunday service. I guess he takes what he can get with me.

* Helping UBF leaders to improve their communication skills was THE reason why we launched this website. The first two articles are precisely about communication.

http://www.ubfriends.org/2010/06/24/what-is-good-communication/

http://www.ubfriends.org/2010/07/01/sprechen-sie-ubf/

UBFriends was designed to be a friendly, open, nonthreatening space where this hands-on training in communication could occur in a steady stream over a sustained period of time. This forum really was an ideal environment for it to happen. And it remained friendly, open, nonthreatening for a couple of years. I believe that, if leaders had participated, it would have been a far more effective method of training than a few professional seminars.

Why didn’t they participate? You can ask them. My sense is that they didn’t want to. They were afraid. They didn’t think they needed it. They said to themselves, “We already got that covered.”

At this point, why go to great lengths to train the elders to do something that they don’t want to do or could only learn how to do with great difficulty? You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. There are plenty of younger people who already have the necessary leadership skills and relational intelligence to facilitate good communication and will be much better at it than the old guys ever will. (And five years ago, there were many, many more of these people. Dozens have left.) Find the people who are still left who can do it and just empower them to do it.

It was traumatic because they managed to indoctrinate you to believe that your right to exist, the meaning of your life, and your eternal fate was bound to UBF, you owed everything including salvation to them. It was a very deep bondage allowing “the servant of God” (your shepherd or director) to have a strong grip on your very soul. Younger members of current UBF chapters which are probably much less cult-like than UBF was in the past might not understand what this means.

It may help to read several of the testimonies written by ex members in the 1980s and 1990s. Unfortunately, most websites that published these testimonies have been closed now (some after being sued by UBF lawyers). I think that’s bad because these concrete examples help understanding what spiritual abuse is, and how deeply UBF was involved in it. For good reason UBF is also one of the examples in the best-selling book “Churches That Abuse” of 1991.

I also want to add that being in UBF was not only traumatic after 1980, it was already traumatic in the 1970’s, as the open letter of 1976 shows. It’s a myth to believe that UBF in the old days was somehow better.

* A few years ago, Scott Moreau gave a series of presentations to North American UBF staff and to Chicago UBF about cultural differences between Koreans and Americans. His presentations were very useful and did begin to address some of these issues. The reaction to his material was mixed. Some missionaries liked it; others responded negatively (“This is not from the Bible!”) and others ignored it, thinking that Dr. Moreau as an outsider had no right to tell UBF members what to do.

* Korean missionaries who have supported themselves and had successful careers in the United States have learned to use good communication practices in the workplace. They had no choice but to follow standards of American professionalism. So they do have the skills and could use them if necessary. But they have not needed to bring those skills into UBF, and doing so would feel unnatural to them, because of the dualism that keeps their “worldly life” or work compartmentalized from their “spiritual life” or mission.

I’d be curious to learn which articles and discussion threads most impacted you.

You wrote:

“UBF leadership and members have not been educated on how to moderate a discussion that touches on sensitive and painful issues, using skills such as listening without judging, being vulnerable, the language of apology, receiving criticism without taking it personally, handling conflict and pain in the discussion, handling emotions, etc.”

Actually, I’ve found UBF leaders and members have always been remarkably skilled at listening, accepting criticism, making apologies, and so on, within the hierarchy of status conferred by age, title, position and gender. An older person can speak to a younger person with remarkable freedom, and the younger person will listen intently, absorb it, apologize for wrongdoing, and so on.

Here are the points where I have seen communication break down.

* When people of lower perceived status (younger, American, female) break the unwritten rules of hierarchy and demand to be taken seriously and treated with respect. In the Korean language, speaking to someone without the proper honorifics determined by the hierarchy is taboo. I’ve heard, for example, that it is impossible for a younger man to say directly to an older man, “No, I won’t do it.” In that language, there are no proper words for it; to say “No” would be an unimaginable preach of protocol. On American soil, westerners like myself cannot and should not be expected to conform to such rules. We should not be seen as ungodly for doing what comes naturally to us, which we regard as virtuous, which is to speak honestly and directly, treating everyone as equal.

* When you bring up especially painful subjects, e.g. the authoritarian practices of Samuel Lee, most people who were trained by him and personally experienced those things (which includes all the older leaders at headquarters and Chicago UBF) will clam up. During the 1980’s and 1990’s, being in UBF was traumatic. This is not an exaggeration: In one way or another, we were all traumatized by SL. We all experienced things that wounded us at a deep level. We all saw, agreed to and participated in things that violated our consciences. Those memories lie buried just below the surface and the emotions are very raw. People are still in varying degrees of denial about what they have seen and done. Many are still afraid to talk about it openly because (a) they are afraid of retribution by the ubf social structure, especially if they receive a salary from UBF, and (b) they are afraid of losing control of themselves if those raw emotions come to the surface.

* There is a very strong belief that you should not talk about anything negative or controversial or painful in the presence of sheep / young people because it may “plant doubt” in them and cause them to run away. Only highly committed disciples who have demonstrated their loyalty are regarded as strong enough to handle the truth about the dark side of ubf. In my experience, however, trying to keep these things secret is counterproductive and futile; they know it already (it takes two seconds to google “UBF cult”). When newcomers sense that you are being sneaky and dishonest with them by trying to hide UBF’s bad reputation, they are not going to be truthful with you either.

At some point, UBF leaders could use some training in listening skills, dialogue, conflict management, etc. But most of the training materials that exist for those purposes were developed in western contexts and wouldn’t address the barriers that I described above.

In my opinion, UBF leaders could benefit from that kind of training, but what they need most is real friendship (not superficial coworking relationships) and psychological counseling to help them come to terms with their past.