I’m going to frame this :)

“Stop saying sorry. Do something radical—which is called repentance—turning to the opposite and stop doing what was being done previously and rather do something that brings true healing and makes space for peace and inner growth not just for you but for your wife and children as well.” – See more at: http://www.ubfriends.org/2015/02/14/utmost-love-and-respect/#comment-16544

Toledo ubf canned apology letter

So if anyone abused by ubf is waiting for an apology letter, just copy the Toledo ubf letter and email it to yourself. You will get it quicker that way.

+100000

The hardest part comes right after that, when she looks at me and says (with or without words): “For what?”

How I respond at that moment will determine whether my apology brings healing or causes more damage.

If at that moment I can put into words some of the hurt that she feels, if I can demonstrate that I really do empathize and am trying to see myself from her point of view, if I can (in a manner of speaking) step into her shoes, take her side and advocate for her against myself, then the battle has been won. Not the battle against her, but the battle against myself, the battle against my own stubbornness and ignorance and immaturity and pride.

But if I were to say, “I’m sorry that you think there may be signs that I potentially may have done something wrong,” then it would have been better for me to keep my mouth shut.

An apology that is premature or insincere or lacking in understanding/empathy can be worse than no apology at all.

I’m not saying that the author of this article is being insincere.

What I’m saying is: This is only the beginning, and the hard part has yet to come.

It is not an apology to ex-members of UBF. Rather, it is a signal to UBF leaders that the author wants them to start addressing the question. The target audience is UBF leaders, not the people who regularly comment on UBFriends.

Like others, I wish that the author had not sounded so wishy-washy at the end. Why put a question mark on whether there are “signs” of abuse? Of course there are signs. To borrow a saying that Samuel Lee used in his messages: A person who asks whether there are signs of abuse is like someone who puts his hands over his eyes and questions whether there is a sky.

And I wish that the author could explain why he is choosing to remain anonymous. I wish he could honestly say what he is afraid of, what he thinks would happen to him if he were to make his identity known, and then explain what those fears tell us about the leaders of ubf and the culture of the organization.

Nevertheless, it is an important move in the right direction. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

I have never deviated from “this point.” But the fact that such hierarchical authoritarian abuses and sins occur, does not always negate that good has also come forth from UBF, which I myself and countless others have experienced, which I know is an “unpopular point” on this website.

A significant problem with UBF is that she only wants to talk about the good (ad nauseum), and at the same time negate, ignore, dismiss, deny, or often refuse to address the bad.

By their action some missionaries showed that they do not care about and love the people they call their sheep. Other missionaries actually try to love their sheep and think they do, but because the UBF system has warped their understanding of love, they still fail to really love them. It’s time for UBF to start learning what “love” really means. For this to happen, UBF leaders must accept the attitude of a learner, not of a teacher. This hurts their pride. In end effect, the barrier that we are hitting is always pride. In my view, it’s an organization that has been founded and split from the regular Presbyterian church out of pride and is still feeding itself from the same pride since then. Yes, there were some good ideas and reasons to have a fellowship separate from the church, but pride is the “little leaven” that has gone rampant and has spoiled UBF from the top to the bottom.

By this definition of love, some shepherds and missionaries do not really love their sheep, because they seem to be primarily interested in changing them (in the name of shepherding them and training them), rather than to allow themselves to be changed by them, or to truly listen to them.

I think I can fairly confidently say that almost all of the problems in UBF comes down to the UBF hierarchy basically refusing to listen to the hundreds of people (or likely more) who have been articulating and saying the same thing as said in UBFriends (since 2011) as has been said over and over again since the first reform movement of 1976.

That’s already almost 40 years ago. Is it now time for UBF to hear and genuinely respond with a response other than deafening silence?

And as if their position gives them immunity from sin. We have discussed this already in different context recently, outside of UBF. It’s this spiritual brazenness of claiming that because you “do something for God”, God is automatically on your side and everything you do is justified, or at least better than what other “ungodly” people do.

The “spiritual helper syndrome” of UBF is also shining through this apology. While I acknowledge and appretiate the will to help other people they don’t even know (and I see this as a good side of UBF), there is the danger that it harms both the helper by feeding their pride and ego, and the helped by making them dependent, and this creates a vicious circle of unhealthy codependency. Real breakthrough and healthy change can only happen if they allow the roles to be flipped, and let us help them by pointing out the abuse and problems.

As I’ve began to state recently, unless those in the UBF hierarchy are willing to humbly have an ongoing equitable dialogue, nothing will significantly or seriously change.

I understand that this is tough, if not humanly impossible for some of the older leaders, because as missionaries, they have always led from the top as “directors.” They have acted and felt as though they were the top/main leaders and benefactors who should not be questioned or challenged, while everyone else are regarded by some of them as the recipients of their endless sacrifice, love and generosity.

Until such an attitude or mindset changes, we can just talk and blog until the cows come home, or until Christ comes again, whichever comes first. Of course, with God all things are possible!

For me, this is my 3rd apology letter from ubf leaders. The first two were horrible and amounted to aggrandized fantasy intended to silence me or appease me or stroke my ego by repeating my own words back to me in the apology.

This 3rd apology is different, and a good step, but much more is needed.

It happened when I was only 1 or 2 years in UBF and they put increasing pressure on me to take part in *all* of the UBF activities. One day when I had attended a meeting at the UBF center, they asked me to stay longer to attend yet another fellowship meeting. I declined, because I had other obligations at the university. Then they started to talk at me how important that meeting was and how I needed to obey. Particularly one missionary started to harass me, and when I finally stood up and left without giving in to the pressure, he followed me to the door and wanted to beat or kick me. When he saw that I still wasn’t intimidated, but in the mood to fight back, he released his aggression against my bicycle, kicking it until a wheel was completely damaged. So I told him, “that was it, I leave UBF.” When I came back from university, another missionary already called me to say that he was sorry and it was a misunderstanding and I should come back to UBF. I demanded an apology and that he repaired my bike. In fact, he did this.
However, the apology was really strange. At first, it looked like a normal apology. But as soon as I had accepted it, shook hands and agreed to stay in UBF, the tone changed and became patronizing again. He asked that we pray together, and in that prayer, he mainly prayed about me, my weakness, etc. I had a similar feeling when reading this letter. I felt he just said sorry, not because he felt he did something wrong, but because I was “only a sheep” too weak to understand his love and obey his commands, and needed to be treated with forbearance. In his prayer, he still was clearly the shepherd, and I was the sheep – he did not pray with the understanding that we were both equal brothers in Christ. I had the presentiment that he did not want to apologize, but just to appease me and wait until I would be even more brainwashed and accept their commands and training without protest (by presentiment turned out to be legitimate). Real apology can only happen when the Korean “missionaries” give up their condescending hierarchical attitude and start to see others as brothers and sisters. It may be helpful, but is not necessary to see others as “brides of Christ” (and not really a Biblical picture, where the church itself is considered the bride of Christ), it suffices to step down from the shepherd/director pedestal and seriously and honestly see others on eye level as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Another suggestion: Don’t be too quick to apologize. If you have difficulties to understand what abuse is, join us to have a discussion about spiritual abuse. If you still ask the question “Are there signs that we have done abuse/offense?” then let’s first discuss this question together. Let’s read the historical documents, starting with the 1976 letter, let’s read some of the testimonies together. Let’s just share some facts about what happened in UBF that have not been reported on official UBF websites or mission reports. Yes, it will be negative, it will be unpleasant, and it will be much, because these testimonies have been piled up and nobody in UBF every looked at them. You must be willing to hear us and take your time to work through these documents. Without you having looked at the facts and taken time for this, we cannot discuss these issues and seriously talk about apology.

On the one side, I appretiate it. As Brian said, the fact that he shared it publicly and on his own initiative is remarkable.

On the other side, Charles has already mentioned several problems here. If the sender is an UBF leader, he should speak publicly.

Also, in the first half of the letter he explains how he decided generally to say sorry even when he was right and there was no necessity to say sorry. So this immediately devalues any of his apologies for wrongdoing of UBF because you can’t know whether he really admits that UBF has done anything wrong. And then, in the second half of the letter he confirms this by putting question marks behind the clearly documented abuse of UBF “Have we UBF offended or abused any of our members …? Are there signs that we have done? If there are, …” How is the existence of this site and the dozens of testimonies and three reform movements not a sign that abuse has happened? Why need to make this a question?

Another problematic issue is that his biggest worry seems to be that he or UBF is “not *doing* enough” for the students. But that’s not our complaint. Our complaint is that UBF *is doing too much*, is authoritarian overstepping its bounds. Whenever I heard an apology (rarely happened, but I give an example in a separate comment), it was always more or less patronizing, and basically saying “we’re sorry we did not love you *enough*.”

So the fact that this letter is shared publicly and voluntarily is rather astounding to me. The bottom line is that no apology will heal us. Our recovery depends not on what the ubf ministry does or doesn’t do. But every once in a while, something like this letter provides a noteworthy drop of acceptance. I for one will take it.

He asks, “Have we UBF offended or abused any of our members spiritually for the last 50 years of history? Are there signs that we have done?” The answer to these questions can be found in many discussions on this website. But the author doesn’t say, “Yes, we UBF, have done so,” or even say, “Maybe we have done so. Let us listen earnestly those who say they are hurt.”

He then says, “If so…we as a church must be ready to say, ‘We are sorry.’ ” I agree. But I feel like I’m left waiting for him to say, “Yes, we have done so,” and then, “Sorry.” The ending is not so much an apology but what *should* be done *if* wrongs were actually done.

This person has chosen to remain anonymous. Honestly, I don’t think it’s a helpful way to get the church to admit wrongs and say sorry. Of course, he can’t shoulder the responsibility all on him–I don’t think anyone expects that. However, it is a first step to having the church come forward in an honest and open way to acknowledge what has been done, to say sorry and so begin reconciling. Should we just say we should say sorry as a first step without admitting wrongs?

This is grating because I find it evasive. I honestly think the person who wrote this letter is sincere, but it’s lacking to hit what may be intended.

Before I left UBF I had a couple conversations with UBF HQ in Chicago. I was asked to keep the correspondences private and to not share publicly. So, I’ll not reveal names or quote directly. I was asked, “What can we do towards reconciliation?” My reply was along the lines of what this person wrote here in his letter, “To admit wrongs and to say sorry, as a first step.” If real faces don’t come forward to admit wrongs, who will follow their example or accept their words? It would be difficult. People will continue doing wrong, in thinking that they were doing right, because their teachers and leaders never said otherwise.

The reply I received from Chicago HQ was, silence from some, and another said, “Yes, leaders should be humble and apologize. Yes, people should be free and not bound by shepherds, etc. However, if someone else wants to apologize they can do so, but not me. I will just trust God” (paraphrasing). It was extremely disappointing. It came off as evasive and proud. I had respected these leaders so much, but they weren’t willing to come forward and acknowledge the abuse. I didn’t bother to reply further. I knew that others had received the same kind of evasive responses in the past, so I wasn’t going to waste my time.

Are UBF leaders really unsure if people have been hurt? Are leaders really lacking in finding evidence to the abuse? Where is the apology? Where is the confession? Let’s just come forward and say it, and stop beating around the bush. (I know that there are many “leaders” in UBF. Some, especially at the local level, really are unaware of what has happened and is still going on for the very reason that it all gets covered up and buried and never mentioned, not even apologies. But this is not directed at them.)

To the author of this letter, if I have misunderstood or misconstrued your words, I offer my apologies in advance. I hope there can be open communication. I don’t understand your decision to remain anonymous. I’m not looking for an apology for personal injuries. But I think, as you mentioned, it is time for UBF to come forward and acknowledge wrongs and abuses and hurt and to say sorry for the sake of those hurt and so that people in the future will not continued to be hurt in the same ways and the cycle of abuse will end.

This is the heart of the matter for me as a former ubf leader who donated about a quarter century of my time and resources to the ubf cause:

“Have we UBF offended or abused any of our members spiritually for the last 50 years of history? Are there signs that we have done? If there are, we as church must be ready to say, “We are sorry” and offer sincere apology to those who have been affected and find ways to rectify our mistakes and wrongdoings.”