Do they respond to you honestly? Do they tell you what they actually think of you and your views? Or do they dance around it?

What I found, especially with the UBF senior staff, is that they almost never leveled with me. There were a few brief flashes of honesty (I can share some of those later) but 95% of the time they held their tongues and did not actually open up to say what they really thought of me and my ideas. It would have been better for them to just go ahead and blast me, because then at least we would have some semblance of human-to-human communication. Instead, they tried to act nice, holding back their true thoughts and emotions. Then then engaged in lots of passive-aggressive behavior to drive me away, without admitting to themselves or anyone that this is what they were actually doing.

In my opinion, it would have been healthier and more Christlike for them to just be honest and blow up at me.

A korean missionary posted about 20-50 times before, finally, writing a sincere post that said, he honestly didn’t understand why people are discussing/complaining/criticizing UBF on this website.

It’s amazing that it took so many hurtful, insulting, blasphemous, angry (remember what Jesus said about anger!) words to finally sit down and say, listen guys, I don’t even begin to understand where you are coming from.

There is a reason so many missionaries and leaders just don’t have any idea where we’re coming from.

This is quite a pattern, which is the very reason why we bring the issues up. They are indicative of a very deep sickness, and if the issue is not singled out, it will continue to spread and cause more sickness.

And also, UBFriends will never be perfect. The posters here will never be 100% perfect. And I don’t feel that I can claim to be better than someone in UBF. I was in UBF too. But you can still learn from what is said here and I hope readers really do.

“After 30 years there (many in leadership), my husband and I quietly left.”

Leaving silently does not help you to heal, generally. Of course everyone is different but I find that my healing is my better when I become vocal and visible. That way I find others who share my story.

I say leave in the LOUDEST MOST VISIBLE manner possible! Rock the boat. Sink the boat. Do whatever you feel. Let your emotions guide you because emotions are a gift from God. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Anger is not a sin (holding onto anger is a sin).

My journey has been a search for validity of my genuine emotions, conscience and knowledge and a desire for accountability where there is none in leadership.

This is what I wrote several years ago. I am so glad I left by making a lot of noise and documenting everything so that I can return to it and others may learn from it:

–A search for validity

Along this journey, I have discovered things that convince me UBF is a cult. But this does not mean I think everything in UBF is (or was) invalid. Some things in UBF continue to be valid. Finding salvation, my marriage, my friendships: these are all valid.

–A search for accountability

Another purpose God has put on my heart is accountability. Who would dare attempt to hold Korean UBF missionaries accountable? Quite a few have tried, but were portrayed as “rebels” or “unGodly”. Those who tried to reform UBF and hold leaders there accountable were far more ambitious than I ever will be. I am like a small guppy swimming in a tank of sharks and whales! Who can hold leaders accountable? God can. My blogging here is to speak the words people in UBF are afraid or unwilling to speak; to ask the tough questions no one in UBF wants asked. All this I do in love and hope and in prayer that the dark side of UBF may be transformed and made into a vessel useful to God.”

I, too, experienced spiritual abuse. I followed the Matthew 18 guideline in how to deal with a brother in sin and was met with a refusal to acknowledge or take responsibility for personal sin.

Since it was with a pastor and there was an attitude among the leaders that pastors are God’s annointed and should be protected, the other leaders refused to hold him accountable. Therefore, the way they chose to deal with the situation was to make the victim the problem. What followed were incredibly hurtful meetings. After 30 years there (many in leadership), my husband and I quietly left. Without explanation so as not be divisive. Four years later, I am still unable to attend another church.

When spiritual authority that is charged by scripture to love, protect and care for the flock instead uses its authority for selfish reasons and covers sin, the affect on the victim is devastating.

Church members have a right expectation to be treated fairly and lovingly. When instead they are abused, there is confusion, resentment and, most of all, a loss of trust that naturally follows.

Spiritual abuse is real and a serious problem. What makes it worse is church members refusing to consider that something this serious is happening in their midst and their leaders are behaving as humans (sinners) who need to be held accountable. Only when the church is willing to get involved and recognize and confront sin will this problem begin to resolve.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/what-not-say-someone-who-has-been-hurt-church#21tMKvKBvLmh6Z21.99

If or when you decide to leave, you should share this as your parting testimony. This is brilliant. I would love to see the look on people’s faces!

“I know God will take care…but if u really look closely, shouldn’t they have gotten the hint by now that what we r doing isn’t ever going to send 100,000 missionaries by 2041? And to send them to do what. Preach messages with dryness, lack of relate illite, and forceful discipleship training? One word: I am so tired, Jesus help us”

But seriously, if you or anyone needs help, please point people to my website:

http://www.priestlynation.com/exit-counseling

I tell my journey of recovery from undue religious influence on that website. I’ll send you a free copy of my 3 books that explain my processing of my 24 years there (from 1987 to 2011).

I know God will take care…but if u really look closely, shouldn’t they have gotten the hint by now that what we r doing isn’t ever going to send 100,000 missionaries by 2041? And to send them to do what. Preach messages with dryness, lack of relate illite, and forceful discipleship training?

One word: I am so tired, Jesus help us

At least some ubf people were willing to go out and seek out people and apologize.

You don’t bother doing that.

Joe, I really did not expect such immaturish answer from Harvard graduate.

Brian, the comments I put forth to you are serious.

Since you are earning a phd on ubf bashing, it will be good for you to think about what I wrote as well. It will make bashing all more credible.

My ignoring your rhetorical questions that show you refuse to process my article is not being unloving, it is being non-combative.

My challenge to you is serious,

I dare you to think of all the wrongdoing you have done to ubf people before, and you seem to be very good at remembering this and even about people on the other side of continents, and why don’t you go to them and give your apology to them. Same challenge to you Brian.

I think the oriental missionaries and cultish ubfers will be touched and do the same to you, thus culminating to the official ubf genuine repentance.

You can start with an example. I’m sure whether

And please Brian, don’t tell me such as what?

That is the answer I expected. So u did not bother to ask misionaries about their pain caused my abnormalities of those who have left? Right? ” such as what” after you begins lease for 20 years, I would expect you to know wrongdoings on broth sides? If you want to cuss, you can do it straightforward. What the fuck? Is that what you wanted to say to me?
The fact that you don’t know any of the bad practices committed by some of those who left, is a problem.

It tells me once a person who left, that you are deciding to take a very one sided view.

And please do not ignore my comments that I put forth to you in other section. It’s very unloving.

And that’s the problem. I am trying NOT to argue with you. But you are making that very very difficult.

Such as what? WTF?

HappyPinnky, you wrote: “Blame the system right?” Correct. And also blame the enablers of the system such as myself in the past.

Didn’t we admit that we have many issues?
When did I deny that?
I am arguing with these people because of their attitude and how to call our entire ministry. Personal or individual experiences happened in some churches. But, you cannot apply those things to all the churches and conclude that we are cult. And I have seen some cases with my own eyes and they were lies and exaggerations. But, they don’t care about the truth. That kind of attitude I am talking about. As you said, no church is perfect and no person is perfect.

By the way, my reference was not to articles. Yes, your articles especially have been very thought provoking and that is why I liked to come back be a regular reader.

Brian, and Ben have contributed excellent articles.

What I’m referring to mainly is the conversation part.

I have no problem whatespverbwith articles on most part, that is what makes me want to come back.

What do you think makes them are sincere brothers in Christ.

You accept their label as a cult member since you are in ubf, yet you think somehow you are brother in Christ?

If someone openly espouses homosexual lifestyle, which is clearly contrary to biblical teaching, they are still your brother in Christ?

Are you just saying this to sound nice and loving or do you really mean it?

Don’t you think that only 4 members regularly post here, is a sign that something is also wrong with these members and site? They will assert its because of ubf persecution they might face.

That’s is why I say that arguing with some of them is like arguing with conspiracy theorists.

And as someone who temporary left ubf, I know of many who left in bitterness and pain.

And I can say that many of those who left owe sincere repentance and apologies for how they have treated some people within and ways in which they left.

So to be fair, why not encourage all ex ubf members to come up with official lists of their repentance towards missionaries and brothers and sisters in Christ.

So maybe Brian and Chris and Joe can work on recruiting all the letters of apology from ex ubf members, and those who are inside can work together to promote official declaration of repentance of UBF? Sounds fair right.

Apor are we wiling to buy into idea that it only the ubf that should repent?
Blame the system right?

Can we also to be fair talk about some of horrendous things that ex ubf members have done to their local chapters and missionaries as well. Well I know some like Brian and Joe and Ben have done that. But would you be willing to go extra mile and call up missionaries or Sheperd you have wronged in ubf and go to them individually and repent special fiscally of the sins you have committed. Please don’t tell me you have not wronged them in anyway.

I want to see not just one way repentance but but both way.

I saw you so many times but you were less than 5 years old. My family bought your old house on Kensington back when we were in Toledo. Grace and peace.

The Other Side of Discipleship

The difference between the praise bomb of jdkim and that of mrkimmathclass is that jdkim expressed himself and explained more details in his prior comment: “I know that many people come to this website and some are surprised to hear what is written, but many of the issues are real and need to be addressed so that we can build trust and accountability and a better church. No church and no person is perfect.”

mrkim’s first comments here were more of a drive-by-praise bomb followed by many hate bombs. I respect jdkim way more.

Because Christianity is not about outward change, but repentance of sin. And repentance of sin includes first and foremost the admittance and confession of sin. So what we are missing is corporate repentance. It’s over 50 years now and we have still not seen any official admittance of its wrongdoins. UBF must clearly name and frame what exactly was wrong and what and wny and how they want to change it, instead of sneakingly making some changes here and there while never officially admitting they had anything done wrong in the first place. By the way, I would expect and demand that admission of wrongdoings in the past also from secular organizations or entities. Everybody understands this, for instance when people demand from Turkey to process their past and acknowledge the Armenian genocide. Turks could also argue, why do you keep talking about this? It’s a thing of the past! We have changed so much since then! But no, it’s unhealthy for Turkey to not process its own past and admit its own wrongoings and instead concentrating on the glorious heritage of the Ottoman empire. Anyway, the point is that UBF wants to be a church that teaches the Bible. And what does the Bible say? Repent, and believe in the gospel! If UBF does not follow that teaching regarding itself, it has lost all credibility and right to exist. Don’t you understand this?

I love you too and will listen carefully to whatever you say.

And you are welcome to correct me as well. If you think I am not telling the truth, or if you think I am not communicating properly, take any one of the many articles that I have published here, and show me how, when and where I should have said it.

I love you. You are welcome to comment here now and in the future. We won’t ban you but will continue to listen to you and to ask you questions. I’ve got a feeling that you are going to need an online community one day. You are welcome here.

HappyPinky, please instruct me. Take any one of the many articles that I have published here, and show me how, when and where I should have said it. I am open to your correction.

UBF does not ascribe to the Chicago Statement and never has. The UBF Statement of Belief states “3.We believe that the Bible is inspired by God…” which I happen to agree with.

HappyPinky raises an interesting question. What do I want?

There are many people who were hurt by UBF over the last five decades. Was this intentional? Probably not. But the damage is real. I would like these wrongs to be made right, to the extent that they can be, to repair the damage so that love and grace may flow. I would like to see repentance and (God willing) reconciliation taking place in visible ways. That cannot happen unless the wrongs are acknowledged not just by some individuals but embraced by the community as a whole, so that community repentance and renewal becomes an integral part of the story that UBF tells about itself. And I would like the friends and acquaintances of mine who are still in UBF to be fully freed to become the beautiful people that they are, the beautiful people that God made them to be, without being hindered anymore by silly politics and social pressures. I would love for UBFriends to become a place where people have theologically meaningful, transformative interactions that help us all to understand what the gospel. Believe it or not, that has happened, and it is still happening now, even though HappyPinky does not see it. The last article posted by DawidW (the one just before this one) is a wonderful example of this. HappyPinky, you didn’t comment on that article. Did you even read it? Did it edify you at all? Or did it plant hatred in your heart?

I lost count of how many articles I have written for UBFriends over the last five years. Most of them are not primarily about UBF, but about the gospel, Scripture, mission and church. Their tone is positive and constructive. Writing those articles and discussing them with many people on this website (many of whom are still in UBF) was a life transforming experience for me. I would like that to happen to others as well.

HappyPinky, if that is the work of the devil, then the devil is very stupid.

2. How you say it and when you say it is also very important

Ubfriends have excelled in the first one and failed in the second one.

On in my experience, their criticisms and the way they were expressing their criticisms were not edifying at all.

On the opposite they helped me to ignore the good and only see the bad and planted hatred in my heart.

That is why ubf people call this the work of devil.

“btw, all you UBFriends are among the most thoughtful and erudite people that I come across.”

So this a praise bomb, please explain.

Anyway, my general question to you all is. ubf is changing and it has changed a lot in some chapters, I cant speak for all chapters. Some chapters have changed way too much, and not in a good way.

So why are you guys putting forth same criticism over and over again. Don’t you think this is a disease? If you’d don’t believe me should we consult psychologists?

Many of criticism are valid, but you talk about them as if we on inside don’t know and don’t do anything about it.

I personally believe that it will not be possible to appease the some of critics here.

Once you start appeasing Brian, he will keep on demanding us to espouse homos and transsexuals lifestyle.

Joe shafer will start demanding that we get rid of Chicago statement of

I believe ministries and churches can change and should change, just like individual people can and should change. The reformers in the history of UBF had that hope for UBF. They wanted to reform and transform UBF, but they were expelled, in all three reform movements. Therefore, many of us have given up that hope for UBF, but Ben is still having it, and the example he sets is really the only hope for UBF. Without repentance and radical change, UBF stays a cult. No matter how much you hate that word, people everywhere in the world including in my country Germany know UBF as a cult, and it has been labelled as such since the 1980s, for legitimate reasons. Start reading testimonies on this website and others, then you will start understanding the reasons and what we’re talking about.

First, people here who are talking to you had been like you. They had been lived faithful and sacrificial life in ubf for many years. They even defended ubf like you’re doing now. Then, you should know why they are writing things on ubfriends first before you judge them. Please listen to what they had seen, heard, and been treated in ubf.

Second, think about how a christian should communicate with others whose opinions are different from him. You might be offended by ubfriends’ opinion. I believe true Christians will reflect Jesus and true Christianity when they are face to talk to people they don’t like. That really reveals who is in us. Rather than giving harsh and offensive comments including ‘biblical direction’ back to the offender because of your conviction, I hope you may listen to them, share your thoughts and agony. I believe they will listen to you as well. I think we are all learning this because ubf have never taught on this.

mrkim, here are the accounts from James J. and Rebecca B. Kim, whose house Brian broke into. Please read them and compare with Brian’s story.

James J. Kim’s letter: http://www.priestlynation.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/JamesKim2001.pdf
Rebecca Kim’s Letter: http://exubf.blogspot.com/2007/05/rebecca-b-kim.html
Brian’s Confession: http://www.ubfriends.org/2011/05/14/my-confession/

Here’s an excerpt from James’s letter:

“He would go down in history as the one who successfully collaborated with D. Lee in chasing James Kim out from Toledo like a dog and subsequently discrediting him and picturing him as a rebel and self-centered man, Satan or whatever D. Lee wanted to depict James Kim as. I still vividly remember how he persuaded Toledo brothers to break into my 1824 Kensington home on one cold winter day of February of 1990 in Toledo in order to carry everything we owned into an 18-wheeler truck. The driver of the truck was Paul Hong’s sheep, Alex, a Middle Eastern man. At that time, my family was down to Houston to look for a rented house.”

You said you didn’t curse and criticize UBF. But what you mention about ubf is the same thing. If you say, you sound only sneakier. Everybody knows how you commented about ubf, mentioning cult. Isn’t it cursing and criticizing.

I wonder why you keep the name ubf for your church. Could you explain about it?

Do you think Paul should have distanced himself from the churches he wrote to? His epistles contain some tough criticisms. Should he not have written to the churches as he did? Was Jesus’ criticism of the people of his day wrong? Should he have distanced himself from the Messianic work he was doing? Ben has been a lot nicer than Paul or Jesus at times.

You’re a very forthcoming person. I’d love to hear of a time when you spoke so brazenly to other senior people in UBF, particularly Korean missionaries.

By God’s grace I’ve stopped cursing since I became a Christian in 1980. Before that I swore daily throughout the day with F bombs almost constantly. So when you accuse me of cursing twice, I’m really wondering what I am cursing??

Brian,
I didn’t discuss about if ubf is cult or not.
That was you guy’s thought. I wanted to know Ben Toh’s personal opinion. Don’t try to change things as you wanted. I ask you to take it off.

And he said, he took off his shirt.

Also, I hope the silent readers of UBFriends will also read Ben Toh’s confession.

http://www.ubfriends.org/2011/09/23/my-confession-part-ii-a-sequel-to-brians-confession/

More pathetic.
You said he took full responsibility for what he did.
I said his character didn’t change much since then. His manipulation, lie and etc. Actually not only him. All human beings are the same. Our personality and character don’t change much even though we repent our sins. In that sense, I can understand him.

http://www.ubfriends.org/2011/05/14/my-confession/

Brian confessed and publicly apologized and took full responsibility for what he did.

Paul Hong still has not.

Good thought Joe, this helps me to continue growing in my own self. After writing this article I felt as if something broke. Then I began to progressively feel really good. Maybe that was another chain falling off my soul.

Thank you for your processing here. It has been immeasurably helpful to me. Please let me know if I have misrepresented anything in my article.

Don’t you think you should change your church’s name?
Why should you continue to use the name you curse and criticize?

What people are we trying to reach? This is just a website. I for one am not trying to reach anyone. I am trying to process what happened to me and to provide an open mic for people to share and process their own self narratives. I feel no responsibility to reach anyone with anything. I do feel that I should be myself and learn how to respect the viewpoints of others.

It is pathetic. Very pathetic.

It reminds me of his saying that he broke into a missionary’s house and stole something. Many years passed but he didn’t change much.

You said, “I ask you to take it off.”

Ok I just took my shirt off. Now I’m going to listen to Taylor Swift and shake it off.

“It’s up to you to take the information here yourself and see if the factual allegations are true.”

Correct. We are all adults here. We can make our own decisions. We can live our own lives. And here at this website, we can share what we want to share.

Charles, that cartoon is exactly spot on. Your friendship means the world to me!

Happypinky, you claim that I am over-analyzing, hurt, bitter, diseased, unforgiving and unhealed. And yet I feel more discerning, complete, joyful, healthy, forgiving and healed than ever before!!!

I count 7 commands you give me. What I learned on my journey is that my healing comes by disobeying every command spoken to me by a ubf missionary. So here is how I will disobey your 7 commands:

Go to Jesus – I will go to my wife.

Reflect on your own mistakes – I will reflect on the sins of ubf.

Stop pointing your fingers – I will start exposing ubf more than before.

Don’t waste your life – I will use my life all the more to love my self and be a family-centered man.

Have grace on Korean missionaries – I will rebuke Korean missionaries all the more.

Let them to gods judgment – I will leave them to the scrutiny of public opinion, such as Rick Ross’s twitter feed.

Start doing gods work – I will stop doing gods work.

I accept your apology. Thank you.

If you really think that someone is hurt and bitter, is this how you treat them? One thing that is apparent about your assumptions about Brian is that they have nothing to do with Jesus. I wonder if you think that God considers people in this same way that you have considered Brian.

Do you think God forgives easily, even though people do not ask for forgiveness?
Do you think that he asks believers to ignore how we treat each other?
Has God revealed, let’s say in Scripture, for example, that healing is found in doing God’s work?
Is this model of forgiveness and grace the same that Jesus taught to his disciples?
To whom did Jesus put the burden of reconciliation on, those who have something against another person, or the person someone has something against?

Your thoughtless remark reminds me of this cartoon, also titled, “Helpful Advice”:
http://www.robot-hugs.com/helpful-advice/

Brian and others don’t really care about UBF leaders’ weaknesses and flaws. We don’t care that you are lazy or even unintellectual or whatever, those are not fundamental. What this site has pointed out are the ways that many Christians were hurt in the UBF organization, to which the organization has not acknowledged. I think ultimately it is not our job to open your eyes to these things. UBFriends is limited in its power tremendously. It’s up to you to take the information here yourself and see if the factual allegations are true.

I think UBFriends as a website has faithfully done its job, although very imperfectly, in trying to reach UBF members within. But ultimately this site is not responsible whether it’s successful or not.

I have made many genuine attempts to reconcile with my shepherd and found it impossible. But it’s not my business to responsible for this.

Beneath what may feel like an insulting tone, I hope somehow some things will feel relevant to you in the posts and articles, and with that you can decide yourself whether they are true or not.

Let’s have some equality here.

As stated by others, a major problem with some/many in ubf is that they create their own narrative and perspectives. Then they impose it (usually implicitly) on others, as well as reject or dismiss the narrative and perspective of others.

Joe gave an excellent example of a senior staff saying to him, “you are a typical Harvard graduate.” With such a rude ad hominem, anything Joe has to say is summarily dismissed and disregarded.

With Brian, it is very sad when anyone labels him, demon, Satan, pig, hateful, bitter, etc, just because what Brian says challenges the typical narrative and perspective of ubf, which people in ubf are expected to conform to, accept and embrace.

Even DavidW shared in a recent comment how some leaders regarded him as problematic the moment he began to bring up certain issues and problems, which they wish to ignore, forget about, or dismiss.

As Brian’s article says, when you reject, dismiss, diminish, insult and ignore the perspective and opinion of others, you demean the inherent value of that person, created in God’s image, which God nor Jesus never ever does.

Oh yes, Mr. Kim, you asked me several times whether or not UBF is a cult. I didn’t answer because it took me a while to catch up with the flurry of insightful comments. Also, I didn’t answer because I had already answered the question previously: http://www.ubfriends.org/2012/09/10/are-ubf-leaders-cult-leaders/

Brian I think you are over analyzing. Seriously. Brian. Let’s admit it. You are all hurt and bitter.

But let me tell ya, you’re not gonna heal this way. Go to a Jesus and reflect on your own mistakes and stop pointing your fingers on others.

Your disease is that you are holding the bitterness for years and it’s killing you from within.
I don’t you personally know u , but i don’t think I’m wrong.

If you reflect long enough on Jesus grace, it will easy for you to forgive whether or not ubf apologized to u or not. I am sure for every apology ubf gives out you will call it slap in a face.

Don’t waste your life like this.

Have grace on Korean missionaries, whom god used to deliver good news to you. Let them to gods judgment.

Start doing gods work, and u will find healing that way. I promise you. That is how I found healing when I got hurt.

I sincerely apologize for my words and actions that you find hurtful and offensive. That is truly not my intent. I know that I do have many blind spots and sins, and have a great deal more to learn.

Believe it or not, I love and respect you, and I regard you as a brother in Christ.