1. The top seven symptoms of Emotionally Unhealthy Spirituality

# Ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness and fear

Like most Christians, I was taught that almost all feelings are unreliable and not to be trusted. They go up and down and are the last thing we should be attending to in our spiritual lives.

I concur with the author. I accepted the word from 2 Timothy 1:7 “self-control” deeply in my young age and even despised “emotional” people. I became very stoic, unemotional person.

# Denying the past’s impact on the present

Our marriage bore a striking resemblance to that of our parents: Gender roles; the handling of anger and conflict and shame; how we defined success; our view of family, children, recreation, pleasure, sexuality, grieving; and our relationships with friends had all been shaped by our families of origin and our cultures.

Even though we had been committed Christians for almost 20 years, our ways of relating mirrored more our family of origin than the way God intended for his new family in Christ.

To understand one person is not easy, including our spouses because our ways of relating mirrored more our family of origin than the way of God.

# Dividing our lives into “secular” and “sacred” compartments

It is so easy to compartmentalize God to “Christian activities” around church and our spiritual disciplines without thinking of him in our marriages, the disciplining of our children, the spending of our money, our recreation or even our studying for exams.

There is no dichotomy between “sacred” and “secular” in God. God is the Lord of all aspects of our lives. Our church, family, study and work are ALL equally important and they are all our ministry.

# Doing for God instead of being with God

Work for God that is not nourished by a deep interior life with God will eventually be contaminated by other things such as ego, power, needing approval of and from others and buying into the wrong ideas of success and the mistaken belief that we cannot fail.

We become “human doings” not “human beings”. Our experiential sense of worth and validation gradually shifts from God’s unconditional love for us in Christ to our works and performance. The joy of Christ gradually disappears.

We should overcome our works and performance oriented ministry and the competitive comparison among us.

# Spiritualizing away conflict

Blame/ attack/ silence treatment/ become sarcastic/ tell half the truth.

Quoting bible verses to silence others without compassion and deep understanding is unhealthy. I practiced this to my wife many times in the past.

# Covering our brokenness, weakness and failure

The pressure to present an image of ourselves as strong and spiritually “together” hovers over most of us.

The bible does not spin the flaws and weaknesses of its heroes.

King David: Psalm 51:17

Paul: 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 thorn in my flesh that keep me from becoming conceited. My grace is sufficient.

We are all deeply flawed and broken. There are no exceptions.

It is OK to acknowledge our shortcomings and weaknesses and failures freely before God (Ps 51:4) and receive the grace of forgiveness. In this way Jesus alone can be honored and glorified among us.

#  Living without limits

I was taught that good Christians constantly give and tend to others. I wasn’t supposed to say no to opportunities to or requests for help because that would be selfish.

Jesus did not heal every sick person in Palestine. He did not feed all the hungry beggars.

Living without limits can bring burn-outs and exhaustion. Acts 20:35 was the first bible verse I learned in UBF. This verse was a blessing to me and many others. But I also learned from Gittins that giving and receiving are both important.

2. Radical Antidote: Emotional Health and Contemplative Spirituality

The author gave the radical antidote to the emotionally unhealthy spirituality in two ways: emotional health and contemplative spirituality. Regarding the contemplative spirituality, this is journey inward; silence, solitude and a life of unceasing prayer. Constantly live in the presence of God. This is a lifelong journey and a character building that will take life time. Unfortunately, there seems to be no other way or short cuts for the solutions for the emotionally unhealthy spirituality.

# Emotional health is concerned with:

Respecting and loving others without having to change them.

Accurately self-assessing our strengths, limits and weaknesses and freely sharing them with others.

Learning the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider the prospective of others.

# Contemplative spirituality focuses on classic practices and concerns:

Practicing silence, solitude and a life of unceasing prayer

Resting attentively in the presence of God.

Understanding our earthly life as a journey of transformation toward ever-increasing union with God.

Loving others out of a life of love for God

Living in committed community that passionately love Jesus above all else.

In this book, “The Only Necessary Thing” Nouwen mentioned his own experience of hurt and pain. He confessed like this, “I am struck by how I cling to my own wounded self. Why do I think so much about the people who have offended or hurt me? Why do I allow to have so much power over my feelings and emotions?”

Most of these quotes are from the section of “Forgiveness” in this book.

We are all wounded people. Who wounds us? Often those whom we love and those who love us. When we feel rejected, abandoned, manipulated or violated, it is mostly by people very close to us: –Those who love us wound us too. That’s the tragedy of our lives. That is what forgiveness from the heart so difficult.—Forgiveness often seems impossible, but nothing is impossible for God. The God who lives within us will give us the grace to go beyond our wounded selves and say, “In the Name of God you are forgiven.”

In our context, those whom we love can be trusted shepherds and bible teachers.

Forgiveness means that I continually am willing to forgive the other person for not being God—for not fulfilling all my needs. I, too, must ask forgiveness for not being able to fulfill other people’s needs.

Our heart—the center of our being—is a part of God. Thus, our heart longs for satisfaction for total communion. But human beings, whether it is your husband, or your wife, or your father or your mother, your brother, sister or child, they all so limited in giving that which we crave. But since we want so much and we get only part of what we want, we have to keep on forgiving people for not giving us all we want.

We have certain expectations from others and when these things are not met we feel betrayed and hurt. But even that we can accept positively from God’s point of view. There is reason to celebrate.

The interesting thing is that when you can forgive people for not being God then you can celebrate that they are a reflection of God. You can say, “Since you are not God, I love you because you have such beautiful gifts of God’s love.” You don’t have everything of God, but what you have to offer is worth celebrating. By celebrate I mean to lift up, affirm, confirm, to rejoice in another person’s gifts.

One of the solutions to overcome our hurt feeling is to detach a person and sin in him or her. Bible teaches us to love a person but hate the sin in one’s heart. This is the way to true freedom in God. We have to make decision not to allow the hurt feeling to overpower on us. Then we can make the first movement in our dance with God.

Healing begins not where our pain is taken away, but where it can be shared and seen as part of a larger pain. The first task of healing, therefore, is to take out many problems and pains out of their isolation and place them at the center of great battle against the Evil One.

As we create the space to mourn, we free ourselves little by little from the grip of the Evil One and come to discover in the midst of our grief that the same Spirit who calls us to mourn stirs us to make the first movement in our dance with God.

–We have to forgive our church and civil leaders for their ambitions and manipulations. Beyond all that, we have to forgive all those who torture, kill, rape, destroy—who make this world such a dark place. And we, ourselves, also have to beg forgiveness. The older we become, the more clearly we see that we too, have wounded others deeply, and are part of a society of violence and destruction. It is very difficult to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. But without this, we remain fettered to our past—unable to dance—

Forgiveness is the great spiritual weapon against the Evil One. As long as we remain victim of anger and resentment, the power of darkness can continue to divide us and tempt us with endless power game. But when we forgive those who threaten our lives, they lose their power over us—Forgiveness enables us to take the first step of the dance.

Forgiveness is made possible by the knowledge that human being cannot offer us what only God can give. Once we have heard the voice calling us the Beloved, accepted the gift of full communion and claimed the first unconditional love, we can see easily—with the eyes of a repentant heart—how we have demanded of people a love that only God can give. It is the knowledge of that first love that allows us to forgive those who have only a “second” love to offer.

All our human love is “second” love comparing the great first love of God.

Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We do not know what we are doing when we hurt others. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family. The voice that calls us the Beloved is the voice of freedom because it sets us free to love without wanting anything in return.

But each time you pray really pray for your enemies, you’ll notice that your heart is being made new. Within your prayer, you quickly discover that your enemies are in fact your fellow human beings loved by God just as much as yourself. The result is that the walls you’ve thrown up between “him and me” “us and them” “ours and theirs” disappear.

I find it difficult to conceive of a more concrete way to love than by praying for one’s enemies. It makes you conscious of the hard fact that, in God’s eyes, you’re no more and no less worthy of being loved than any other person, and it creates an awareness of profound solidarity with all other human beings.

Another aspect of emotional health is to respect and love others without having to change them. We have to assess our strengths, limits and weaknesses and freely share them with others.

The author said the importance of balancing of our healthy spirituality between Contemplation and Activity.

“Mary is “being” with Jesus, enjoying intimacy with him, loving him, attentive, open, quiet, taking pleasure in his presence.  We became “human doing” not “human being”.

“The reason we need to stop and be with God is so we might create a continual and easy familiarity with God’s presence at all times—while working , playing, cooking, taking out the garbage, driving, visiting friends, as well as during worship, prayer and Bible study.” There is no dichotomy in God.

“God speaks to each one of us every day—through Scriptures, creation, dreams, silence, traffic jams, boring workdays, interruptions, conflicts, job losses, relationship breakdowns, successes, failures and betrayals.”

Another good example is Joseph in the OT.  He said in Genesis 45:8, “It is not you who sent me here, but God”. Joseph overcame his personal tragedy by accepting it from God’s divine providence. Joseph put God in between him and his brothers. He accepted his misfortune as God’s mysterious leading with good purpose.

The author said, “Every mistake, sin and detour we take in the journey of life is taken by God and becomes his GIFT for a future of blessing. Joseph rewrote his life script according to Scripture. He was not bitter or revengeful. He opened the door to God’s future by rewriting it with God.”

It is inevitable for us to face some kinds of walls and crisis during our journey of life.

It can be through divorce, a job loss, the death of a close friend or family members, a cancer diagnosis, a disillusioning church experience, a betrayal, a shattered dream, a wayward child, a car accident, an inability to get pregnant etc.

Christians can be notoriously judgmental in the name of standing up for the truth. I am not an exception. I judged other people’s journeys with Christ that were different from mine.

Scazzero said, “Pride and our tendency to judge others I found in every corner of the world, in all cultures, workplaces, playgrounds, families, neighborhoods, sports teams, classrooms, marriages, homeless shelters, corporate boardrooms and ten year olds birthday parties.

Contrast that image with a broken person who is so secure in the love of God that she is unable to be insulted. When criticized, judged or insulted, she thinks to herself, “It is far worse than you think!”

The author contrasted some characteristics between emotional children and grown up adults.

“(Emotional Children) Interpret disagreements as personal offenses.// Are easily hurt.// Complain, withdraw, manipulate, take revenge, become sarcastic when they don’t get their way.// Have great difficulty calmly discussing their needs and wants in a mature, loving way.”

“(Emotional Adults) Can, when under stress, state their own beliefs and values without becoming adversarial.// Respect others without having to change them.// Give people room to make mistakes and not be perfect.// Appreciate people for who they are—the good, bad, and ugly.// Have the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider the perspectives of others.”

Martin Buber, a great Jewish theologian wrote a book called “ I and Thou”.

“Buber described the most healthy or mature relationship possible between two human beings as an “I-Thou” relationship. In such a relationship I recognize that I am made in the image of God and so is EVERY OTHER person on the face of the earth. Because of that reality, every person deserves respect—that is, I treat them with dignity and worth. I do not dehumanized or objectify them. I affirm them as having a unique and separate existence apart from me. Though you are different from me—a “You” or “Thou”—I still respect, love and value you.

The result of I-It relationships is that I get frustrated when people don’t fit into my plans. The way I see things is “right”. And if you don’t see it as I do, you are not seeing things the “right” way. You are wrong.

True relationship can only exist between two people willing to connect across their differences. God fills that in-between space of  I-Thou relationship.

Practicing the “I-Thou” in our relationship leads to another aspect of emotional maturity. It informs our capacity to resolve conflicts maturely and negotiate solutions as we consider other people’s perspective.”

First, those who react violently emotionally toward other’s different opinion do not have true freedom of self-forgetfulness. I confess that I am one of them in this regard. I suffered from heartburn and insomnia when I reacted violently emotionally toward other’s different opinions. Listen to what Keller said,

“The self-forgetful person would never be hurt particularly badly by criticism. It would not keep them up late, it would not bother them. Why? Because a person who is devastated by criticism is putting too much value on what other people think, on other people’s opinions.”

Second, those who are nursing their hurts and wounds too much do not have true freedom of self-forgetfulness. Again Keller said,

“It is always making us think about how we look and how we are treated. People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings cannot be hurt! It is ego that hurts—my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine. It is my ego that hurts.” 

Especially in the western culture, individual human right is very very important. Nobody wants to be violated his or her human rights/ freedom even one inch. We all have our own various human standards and expectations from others; from parents, teachers, pastors and shepherds. When we are disappointed by them based our various human standards and expectations, we are deeply hurt and wounded.

Why does this happen? Bible tells us that God loves sinners but hates sin. The two entity “sinner” and “sin” should be detached. Many times we glue two entity “sinner” and “sin” together. In the worldly court they put them together. When we glue them together, naturally our reaction will be, “I hate him (her) because of his (her) terrible unforgivable sins” and react violently emotionally. Rather we should say I love him (her), but I hate the sin of pride in him (her). Then we can manage our hurt feeling better even though in reality it is not easy. I love S Lee, but I hate the sin of pride in him. Then am I better than him? I don’t think so. We have to bring Jesus in our equation for healing and restoration. If we glue the two entity together nobody, not even one can stand before the righteous Jesus. It is only by grace we can stand before him.

Henri Nouwen said we are disappointed with other people easily. But he also said their imperfect love is only signposts on the way to God. I believe Henri Nouwen experienced true freedom.

“How do we know about God’s love, God’s generosity, God’s kindness, God’s forgiveness? Through our parents, our friends, our teachers, our pastors, our spouses, our children … they all reveal God to us. But as we come to know them, we realize that each of them can reveal only a little bit of God. God’s love is greater than theirs; God’s goodness is greater than theirs; God’s beauty is greater than theirs.

At first we may be disappointed in these people in our lives. For a while we thought that they would be able to give us all the love, goodness, and beauty we needed. But gradually we discover that they were all signposts on the way to God.”

I do not mean we should neglect those who are hurt and wounded. Jesus took care of the hurt and the wounded most. I think we need proper understanding of what is the root problem and what is the real solution.

Third, self-righteousness does not lead us to true freedom of self-forgetfulness. Self-righteousness is the opposite of Self-Forgetfulness. With self-righteous thinking and judgment, the other party will feel oppressed, restrained. It is based on legalistic thinking, human requirements and performance, not based on the grace of Jesus. The secret is that the more we get to understand the gospel of grace, God himself would work in and among us and transform us gradually. This is what Keller said,

‘Paul is saying that in Christianity the “verdict” leads to performance. It is not the performance that leads to the verdict. In Christianity, the moment we believe, God says, “This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.” Or “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”’

Then what are the signs of true freedom?

First, True freedom of self-forgetfulness comes from knowing who I am. I am saved by God’s grace and His unconditional love for me. He set me free from all condemnations of the devil. Keller said,

“Paul is saying to the Christians that he does not care what they think about him. He does not care what anybody thinks about him. In fact, his identity owes nothing to what people say. It is as if he is saying, “I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what anybody thinks.” Paul’s self-worth, his self-regard, his identity is not tied in any way to their verdict and their evaluation of him.”

Keller did not say this in condescending way or trying to justify his wrongdoing or ignoring everybody’s opinion. He is saying that he only cares about what the Lord thinks. He lived before the eyes of God always.

King David who was an adulterer and murderer should have apologized to Bethsheba first more than anybody else. But he went to God and confessed his sins, “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” His sin was against God. His realization of his grave sin against God made him, “a man after God’s own heart”.

Second, true freedom of self-forgetfulness comes from knowing who God is. Jesus accepted sinners unconditionally and poured out his grace when we do not deserve it at all. This great grace was not only to me, but also to all his children. They are our brothers and sisters in Christ. This is the reason why I have an obligation to love and respect others. We are not finished products. We are “work in progress”. We need to grow and mature together in the grace of Jesus.

Abraham Lincoln said a famous speech after the Civil War which devastated the whole nation with tens of thousands of casualties. He said “Malice toward none. With Charity for all.” America paid huge price on the way to true freedom. His speech healed the deep wounds of millions of people in this great nation America. As I said before, true freedom is not cheap. It can be obtained only through deep understanding of the grace of Jesus. True freedom defies human logic.

First about human ego. We all have strong ego, many different kinds of egos based on human conditions and education and background. Keller said ego always draws attention to itself. Our ego easily hurts and wounded in various situations in our everyday life. Here are some of his quotes.

“The ego hurts. That is because it has something incredibly wrong with it. –It is always drawing attention to itself.—It is always making us think about how we look and how we are treated. People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings cannot be hurt! It is ego that hurts—my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine. It is my ego that hurts.”

“It is very hard to get through a whole day without feeling snubbed or ignored or feeling stupid or getting down on ourselves. That is because there is something wrong with my ego. There is something wrong with my identity. There is something wrong with my sense of self. It is never happy. It is always drawing attention to itself.”

 “C. S. Lewis points out (in Mere Christianity) that pride is by nature competitive. It is competitiveness that is at the very heart of pride”

Keller talked about how to find the transformed view of self. Paul was a good example from 1 Corinthians 4:3.

“Paul is saying to the Christians that he does not care what they think about him. He does not care what anybody thinks about him. In fact, his identity owes nothing to what people say. It is as if he is saying, “I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what anybody thinks.” Paul’s self-worth, his self-regard, his identity is not tied in any way to their verdict and their evaluation of him.”

Many times we cannot live up to our own standards or other people’s (and parents’) standards. That makes us feel terrible. Lowering our own standards is not a solution because that also makes us feel terrible. Trying to boost our self-esteem by trying to live up to our own standards or someone else’s is a trap. It is not an answer.

Apostle Paul said in a Timothy 1:15, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst”. Keller said Paul did not connect his sin to himself or his identity even though he said he was the worst sinner. We often judge ourselves of our sins and do not feel good about ourselves. Keller said,

“But Paul would not do that when he says that he does not let the Corinthians judge him nor will he judge himself, he is saying that he knows about his sins but he does not connect them to himself and his identity. His sins and his identity are not connected. He refuses to play that game. He does not see a sin and let it destroy his sense of identity. He will not make a connection. Neither does he see an accomplishment and congratulate himself. He sees all kinds of sins in himself—and all kinds of accomplishments too—but he refuses to connect them with himself or his identity. So, although he knows himself to be the chief of sinner, that fact is not going to stop him from doing the things he is called to do.”

And Keller explains what it means the freedom of self-forgetfulness, which is the topic of his book. Self-forgetfulness is to stop thinking about yourself. Ego is there, but a very small functioning part of our body, like toes. Self-forgetfulness does not draw attention to himself or herself.

“True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self-forgetfulness. The blessed rest that only self-forgetfulness brings.”

“The truly gospel humble person is a self-forgetful person whose ego is just like his or her toes. It just works. It does not draw attention to itself. The toes just work; the ego just works. Neither draws attention to itself.”

“The self-forgetful person would never be hurt particularly badly by criticism. It would not keep them up late, it would not bother them. Why? Because a person who is devastated by criticism is putting too much value on what other people think, on other people’s opinions.”

Keller said the more we get to understand the gospel, the more we want to change. Here is the key. The more we get to understand the gospel, God himself would work in and among us and transform us gradually. Correcting or changing our outward action/behavior is not solution. If we are performance oriented, we are not Christians.

Then how can we get that transformed view of self? Keller gives an illustration of a courtroom scene.

‘Do you realize that it is only in the gospel of Jesus Christ that you get the verdict before the performance?—If you are a Muslim, performance leads to the verdict. All this means that every day, you are in the courtroom, every day you are on trial. That is the problem. But Paul is saying that in Christianity the verdict leads to performance. It is not the performance that leads to the verdict. In Christianity, the moment we believe, God says, “This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.” Or “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”’

Keller emphasized we get the verdict before the performance, not the other way around. This is pure grace of Jesus to undeserved sinners.

“In Christianity, the verdict can give you the performance. Yes, the verdict can give you performance. How can that be? Here is Paul’s answer: he is out of the courtroom, he is out of the trial. How? Because Jesus Christ went on trial instead. Jesus went into the courtroom. He was on trial. It was an unjust trial in kangaroo court—but He did not complain—Like the Lamb before the shearers, He was silent. He was struck, beaten, put to death. Why? As our substitute. He took the condemnation we deserve. He faced the trial that should be our so that we do not have to face any more trials. So I simply need to ask God to accept me because of what the Lord Jesus has done. Then the only person whose opinion counts looks at me and He finds me more valuable than all the jewels in the earth.”

Like Paul, we can say, “I don’t care what you think. I don’t even care what I think. I only care about what the Lord thinks.” And he said, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” and “You are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased” Live out of that.