“Dear UBF, I am your worst nightmare”

ABOUT ME

Born in Chicago, and Son to Korean missionaries, I lived within the UBF system from birth to high school graduation.  I’ve had a taste of the Large UBF church through my time at the TOLEDO UBF as well as was the 5 small house churches my parents created throughout the US.

While growing up, every day was dedicated the UBF: bible study, testimony writing, orchestra practice, daily bread, sunday services, VBS, conferences, play practice, etc.  Like many have stated before, I have had horrible experiences with the UBF.  The clear hypocrisies and criminal negligence shown was disgusting (I will detail everything through my later parts).

WHY I AM HERE | WHY I AM DIFFERENT

Although I could easily move on with my life I realized I would be doing a disservice to all the children that are still stuck in this disgusting system.  Thus, I am hear to send a message and warning to the UBF, although unlike others in the past, I have no intentions to help you, pray for you, or to come to some kind of biblical euphoric message that we can all “learn and grow from”.  I am here to Expose you to the masses like no one has EVER done before.  This operation will not happen overnight.  This will take a few years realistically, but it will be done.  You will be the our generations Catholic church and Scientology.

Many people may call the UBF a cult, but really you guys are just a business.  And just like any business, you don’t care unless you HAVE to care AKA you don’t care unless it hurts your financial “bottom line.”   The ubf is built upon the foundation of the old school Korean male ego.  Unfortunately for you, that in itself is why you guys will ultimately be exposed and there is nothing you can do to cover your tracks.

In the past you have been successful at avoiding attempts like me through threatening legal action, intimidating loved ones etc.  But ubf, I no longer am a kid – I am a 31 year old well educated man, own a lucrative business, have powerful lawyers, no current family relationships, have famous friends with Millions of social media followers, and absolutely no filter.  Everything you have thought I have already thought of.  Everything you will try to threaten me with I have already prepped with my lawyers.  I could care less what you respond or do, you keep playing checkers while I play chess.  UBF, I am your boogeyman – I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.

It is not coincidence that SAMUEL LEE, your disgusted & criminal Beloved Leader you still celebrate, burned to death in a fire, it is KARMA that he received for all of the horrible things he did.

Just like the well known “Anonymous” Group says :

WE DO NOT FORGIVE. WE DO NOT FORGET. WE ARE LEGION.  EXPECT US.

A MESSAGE TO THOSE IN PAIN

To all those reading this I want to let you know that finally it’s time to receive some closure.  To those that were hurt by the UBF, I will be your ambassador and voice to heal your broken hearts and bring back justice.  I recommend all those to create profiles on here and contribute to the community while I continue my efforts on Operation #exposeUBF.

If you question whether you should help or what you can do I dare you to read this famous Speech…

“To those who can hear me, I say – do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed – the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. …..

Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate – the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!”

…And Instead Dwell In Christ

Admin note: Reading Kevin’s testimony, I immediately resonated with what he shared below. I know that the Christian life should be full of love, joy and peace (Gal 5:22), as well an overflowing and abundant life (Jn 10:10b). But after a quarter of a century as a Christian, I was experiencing anger, joylessness and anything but peace–perhaps like Kevin after 26 years of “endless self-pruning” as a Christian, as he vividly shares in Part 2: Lost in my human efforts to love God. The Christian life felt to me very much like such a torturous unbearable drag. At that time I didn’t quite know why. But I knew that I needed to seriously re-evaluate my life as a Christ-follower…and make major drastic changes if I were to restore my joy of intimacy with my Lord. See if you can relate to Kevin pouring out his heart in what he shares below.

Deuteronomy 6:5, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (NIV).

Mark 12:30, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (NIV).

Deuteronomy 6 discusses ways in which, we, as believers, can guard our hearts when we are on the cusp of abundant blessings from God. The Israelites were about to enter the Promised Land, and receive houses and fields that were not theirs. A former slave people would become a nation. On the brink of receiving many blessings, they were in danger of losing their hearts to the world and drifting away from the God who saved them.

For any believer, it is when we are being blessed by God, that we are the most vulnerable in losing our hearts to the temptations of this world. We could end up following the idols of the culture in which we live. We could forget the Lord. We could loose a thankful heart and take all of our blessings for granted. We could even become proud, thinking that all of the blessings we have accumulated actually were procured exclusively by our own “human” efforts. In doing this we end up giving glory to ourselves and not to Christ, who is the actual source of our blessings. Our love for our Savior can grow cold.

Anyway, we know that we must guard our hearts, for God’s blessings are being poured out on us continuously. We are so blessed. We live in one of the most blessed countries of the world. We are living in the most blessed generation. We have freedom of religion and freedom of thought and expression. The greatest blessing is yet to come, the resurrection from the dead into life everlasting in the Kingdom of Heaven where we will live with our Savior Jesus, face to face. But, as a result, we are the most vulnerable generation. We Christians, must make it a point to guard our hearts.

How? Dt 6:5 says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Mk 12:30 says. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” I will explore each aspect of devotion, to love the Lord with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength. Then I will explore the dangers of continuously trying, with our own human efforts, to become more efficient in showing love for Jesus, verses simply being found in Christ, through faith, and allowing the God, the Eternal Gardener, to prune and perfect our expressions of love to Christ. This will be illuminated by my personal testimony.

Part 1: Suggestions On How To Better Love God: But Be Warned!

People have been endowed by God, with various tools to love the Lord. They can be found in the following verses:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Dt 6:5).

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mk 12:30).

God has given us heart, mind, soul and strength. He has given us these characteristics to love him. He has given us the direction to love him intensity, using these qualities, so as to guard our hearts and protect and nurture our relationship with him, especially in the vulnerable time when we are on the cusp of great blessings.

But be warned, trying to apply these teachings, without having a “vine and branch relationship” (Jn 15:5) with Jesus Christ, can make a person into a disciplined disciple who is depressed and devoid of joy and laughter, limited in their ability to exalt the name of Jesus. With this in mind, we will explore different ways to love God in the modern context. Keep in mind… this is not a check list on how to become more efficient in our walk with the Lord. It is not a blueprint on how to self prune ourselves of our useless branches. It is an ideal that could inspire us as we follow Christ.

First, loving God with all of our heart: A person’s heart is the seat of their passions. We give our hearts to many things. Young people give their hearts to their friends, to music and self improvement. They achieve great things when they give their hearts. Adults give their hearts to their hobbies, families and pursuit of their dreams. They too can achieve great things. Loving God with all of our heart, is loving God with all of our passion. How can we do this? What we are passionate about comes naturally. It is unique for every person. Our passions are somehow related to our giftings. God can redeem our passions and use what we are passionate about, for his glory. Or, a person can do what doesn’t come naturally…forcing their passions to be in line with what they think is loving God. I would not suggest this. This will lead to joylessness.

Second, loving God with all of our soul: We have two components to our being, body and soul. The soul is made in the image of God. With the soul we can commune with God. We can relate to God. We can love God and we can worship God. Loving God with all of our soul means that we worship God. We nurture our relationship with God as we worship, revere and adore him. Loving God with all of our soul is something that spontaneously erupts. It is a response to an encounter with Jesus. It is a result of experiencing God’s grace. We can encourage worship to happen, by joining in worship with the local congregation or a church meeting. But ultimately it is God that causes our soul to overflow with worship and praise. Forcing ourselves to worship him can only go so far.

Third, loving God with all of our mind: Our mind is very powerful. When humans begin to pursue something with their minds, nothing seems impossible. Even extending human life to 200 years, resurrecting a mastodon, or starting a colony on Mars seems possible. Once the mind starts to pursue a topic, it is hard for us to get it out of our minds. There are those who can’t put down a 700 page book until it is completed. Others pursue a hypothesis until they uncover the truth. We can love God with all of our mind. We can read books about God. We can develop mission fields with its many systems and networks with our minds. We can write about God and spiritual life. We can imagine the Kingdom of God and what great things the Gospel will bring to a people group, with our minds. In an attempt to love God, we can discipline our minds to think about Christ honoring things. We can discipline ourselves to engage in daily devotionals etc. But, we can also burn ourselves out, denying our mind to dwell on what it has a passion for and forcing a round block into a square hole for too long.

Fourth, loving God with all of our strength: People have a lot of strength to do things with. We can apply our strength to loving God. God gives us the strength. He inspires us, and loves us, hopes in us. This inspiration, hope and love gives us more strength. We can focus our strength to love Jesus. For example some people get up at 5 am to ensure they have time for devotionals. They sacrifice sleep in order to engage in a mission. We can muster strength to read a spiritual book. We can get a degree in Christian ministry. We can shed useless things in our lives in order go further with the strength we have been given. This is where the danger lies. A person may get so focused on shedding “the baggage” in order to muster more strength to love God, that they actually forget about God. Without a vine and branch relationship with Jesus, they become disciplined in spiritual things but lose the full life that Christ would have for them. The end result is a joyless, yet efficient, life of faith. This is where we fall into burnout if we are not careful. And this brings me to my own testimony.

Part 2: Lost In My Human Efforts To Love God

Now is the time to talk about the dangers of trying to be more and more efficient in our loving God using our own efforts. Out of a deep sincerity of heart, we try to become more disciplined, as we self-prune ourselves, to get rid of few more useless branches from our lives. We try to excise a little more selfishness and self serving tendencies, in order to devote ourselves to our mission, which we equate with loving God. Maybe we could squeeze out a little more offering, devote a little more prayer time, introduce a little more Bible reading, make sure that there is less time for ourselves and our “selfish” pursuits and more time for Jesus and his mission. All of this is done in our sincere quest to love God with all of our hearts, minds, soul and strength.

I operated like this for 26 years, all the while ignoring the importance of dwelling in Christ and finding my peace and rest in him. I largely ignored the truth of being still and knowing that God is control. This way of life helped me to be disciplined and to find my giftings in the Lord, but it also took a great toll on me.

Over the course of two and a half decades, I become very devoted to my mission in the church. So devoted that some days I would sleep for 4-5 hours a day, occasionally having to stop and take a nap in my car. After working all night, I would be up at 2 pm to meet students for Bible study at 230 pm. For over 5 years, I would memorize 10-30 Bible verses every two weeks and write a four page testimonial and travel 140 miles (there and back) to join a meeting. I would leave at 9am and get back at 7pm. I would study the Bible with about six people per week on a 1:1 basis each week. I would write a message weekly and deliver it on Sunday. Every two weeks I would do the Sunday thing with only three hours of sleep. There was a huge expenditure of money. Above tithing, there were conference fees and travel fees and the paying of two mortgages for a few years, one for our home and the other for a church house. On Sunday there were three Bible studies with the kids after the Sunday worship service. All of this was happening, after working full time and raising five kids with my wife. They activities varied over the years, but the intensity of it all carried on for 26 years. At the end of it all, I was running like a machine. I got this way from attempting to cut off one useless branch after another, becoming more efficient in expressing my love for God while ignoring the relationship with Jesus Christ.

The result of this kind of drive for efficiency was both good and bad. The good thing was that I did get to know Jesus better. I got to know my Bible. I grew to be a 1:1 Bible teacher. I could become a Christian mentor. I could lead group Bible studies. I could write and deliver Gospel messages. I could relate to other Christian leaders and work together with them. I prayed. I could write reports about the work of God. I could slowly grow to be a writer and a devotional writer. I could be a networker in the work of God. I could promote missionary support groups.

I am very thankful for these skills that God bestowed. They provide me with the tools I will use, as I serve the Lord Jesus, throughout my entire lifetime, even into the twilight of my life…even in a nursing home, I can serve Jesus with these tools. They are meaningful tools that are bringing about lasting fruit in my life. This is because of Jesus Christ, and the disciplines that I experienced while growing as a disciple and pruning useless branches.

But then there were the bad things. I was very efficient but largely joyless. Years ago I remember being attracted to Afro-American Gospel music and Southern Gospel music. I liked these genres of Christian music because they were full of joy. They were not full of joy, because of the number of people coming to an outreach event, or the numbers of disciples engaged in ministry. They were singing about the Kingdom of God and the Resurrection. They were sincerely celebrating life everlasting with the Lord Jesus forever and ever. Something that I knew about, but was not doing.

And then there was Jn 1:4 that I could not ignore. This verse reads, “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.” And also John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” These verses continually knocked on the door of my heart. In Jesus is Life. This life is the light of all mankind. Jesus came to bring life. He came to grant us life to the full. I could not give testimony to these statements. I was not experiencing this life, nor life to the full, and yet I was sincerely trying to follow Jesus for 26 years! Though I was getting super efficient, I was depressed, without laughter, with momentary episodes of joy, and strained relationships. I doubted that anyone would ever choose to follow Christ, by looking at my life. What I was portraying was more, endless “boot camp” training than life in Christ.

In regards to ministry, did such a lifestyle bring about a larger church? Did it attract people to our fellowship? Did it attract missionaries to voluntarily gather to preach the Gospel together? Did it create a fellowship where joy in the Lord was overflowing? Did it create more Bible teachers and spiritual mentors? Did it inspire others to follow what I was doing? No.

After 26 years of trying to make myself more and more efficient in loving God, I saw no prospects for change, operating in that paradigm. Some would have me think that if I just suffered a little longer then the dams of God’s blessing would burst open. I didn’t believe that. Nor do I now. I knew that things would only remain the same, endless self pruning and refinement. I did believe in the parable of the five loaves and two fish. If I just offered what I had, then God would accept that and multiply it. But I was offering up my five loaves and two fish for twenty six years and I was left depressed. Once a thought crossed my mind, “What if I need to offer up my five loaves and two fish” more intensely and sincerely? Maybe then God would bless. When I shared this with a brother in Lord, he laughed. He saw the folly of my legalistic way of thinking. I was really stuck. No one was telling me I was wrong. I appeared to be devoted to the mission and appeared to be loving God with all my strength. But Jesus, seeing, my need, broke the chains himself.

Part 3: The Dawn Of A New Day

Jn 1:4 and Jn 10:10 resounded in my heart. If Jesus came to give us life to the full, then why was I not experiencing life to the full, even after streamlining my efforts for 26 years! I was stuck in a rut. I knew something was missing but didn’t know what. I was hard hearted. But God led me along a painful awakening in 2012 until now. Along this leg of the journey, I came to discover what it means to dwell in the Lord.

Jn 15:5 reads, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

I learned about resting in the Lord and taking the unique yolk that Jesus has for me and my life and my family in this season of living…the Missio Dei in my life.

Mt 11:28-30 reads, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I learned about being still and knowing that God is control.

Ps 46:10 reads, “He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’”

Over the last three years Jesus has taught me that loving God with all of my heart, mind, soul and strength, has nothing to do with endless refining and pruning myself to be more efficient. It has everything to do with remaining in Jesus. It has everything to do with allowing God to bear what he wants in my life, in his time and in his way, and not forcing the issue. There is life in Jesus, to be certain. There is life to the FULL in him. There is the fruit if joy, peace and love, but that is not found in self pruning one’s self for decades. It is an outpouring of our relationship with Christ.

Jn 4:14, “but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

I thank God for each leg of my life’s journey thus far. God has grown me into the man I am today. God willing, I will still have 50 more years to serve my Lord Jesus in this world. (That is if I live to 100!) I thank God for his gifts and his blessings and the missions he has called me to. It is now time to enter into the next season of my life and ministry and it not going to be marked by endless self pruning and streamlining of my expressions of love to the Lord. I will be more concerned about having a vine and branch relationship with Jesus. I will, by the grace of God, dwell in his love and allow him to bear his fruit in my life and family. I will allow him to exalt his name through my life. And I will enjoy the life to the full that Christ gives. I will bear testimony to the world, that in Jesus is life, true life and we can have life to the full by faith. I have a great hope that endless, God-honoring fruit will be born. It is God who will nurture and blossom love in my heart, allowing me to love him with intensity. No more endless refinement and self pruning, only remaining in Christ and trusting him.

Last time I had an argument with my wife, I was confident I was right and she was wrong. I had been wrong many times before. But I was sure this time I was right. And I felt I had right to raise my voice and correct her. Unfortunately, she did not think so and went to the bedroom and closed the door behind her and lied down and did not speak for a long time. I remained upset for sometime but then began to feel sorry for her and went to her and said, “I am sorry.” This type of incident has repeatedly happened for the last 33 years of our marriage. I am thankful that God has always given me strength and sense that I was able to say, “I am sorry” each time. It has always been I who said first, “I am sorry.” I have never demanded or wanted her to say, “I am sorry.” Just one time in our long 33 years of marriage, she actually said to me, “I am sorry.” I felt so sorry that she had to say that. I told her, “This will be the last time you ever say to me, ‘I am sorry.’

It is God’s grace to me that he has always given me strength to say, “I am sorry” first and not demand my wife to say, “I am sorry” to me. I am not sure how it began. It probably has something to do with the fact sometime in our marriage I began to have a keen sense how terrible I was as a husband and father and it often brought me to tears. I was only twenty four when I married my wife. I was really only a boy when I married her. And I had very few social skills. I was awkward. I never cared to understand others’ feelings especially women’s. I had four brothers and no sisters. I had a very few friends, if any, and definitely no girlfriends (It’s not that I never tried to get one but I was never successful.) until our marriage. I made numerous senseless mistakes as a husband. At the beginning of my missionary life I worked so zealously and sometimes worked at the UBF center until very late, 3 or 4 am in the morning. I remember more than once I did not carry my apartment key but rang the bell and woke up my wife to open the door for me (I don’t recollect how long and often I continued doing this terrible thing). As it was, my wife was already suffering from a lack of sleep because our first child wouldn’t sleep during the night and she had to go to work as a nurse 7am in the morning. There is a long list of incidents that show how terrible I was as a husband. And I won’t list them all. But my point is that I was a bad husband and by God’s grace I realized it. And since then it became natural I first say, “I am sorry.” I believe this one thing—saying first, “I am sorry,” has helped our marriage.

Somehow I believe the gospel of Jesus’ cross has something to do with ability to say, “I am sorry.” The cross of Jesus enables us to say, “God, I am sorry. I was wrong.” It’s not only that we say to God, “I am sorry.” Recently it occurred to me that when God sent his Son to die on the cross he might be in a sense saying to us, “I am sorry.” “My child, I am sorry you suffer in your sins.” “I am sorry you are addicted to that bad habit. You suffer too much.” I am not sure if this makes sense. But this thought gave me freedom and peace in my heart. I see a church member and she is not doing too well spiritually. I cannot do too much for her. I think to myself, “Young lady, you are suffering in your situation. I am sorry I am very limited in what I can do for you.” I can feel guilty about my inadequacy. But I can be still connected to her because I put the cross of Jesus between her and me. I walk down the street in my economically depressed neighborhood. There are so many problems in this neighborhood and the university I am ministering to. I feel so inadequate in ministering to people here. “O God, I am so weak and ineffective in reaching out to them with the gospel and with any help they need.” Only the cross of Jesus comforts me in my sense of inadequacy. Through the cross of Jesus I am still connected to these people for whom I am not doing too much at present.

At my UBF chapter we don’t have a cross hanging on any wall. Once I thought about putting up a beautiful cross on the front wall of the sanctuary. But having a cross on the wall won’t really help us much unless we as a church really live a life that reflects the cross of Jesus. “O God, we as a church are not doing too well. We are not doing well to the university students or the needy people in our neighborhood. Yet they are not strangers to us. We don’t hope that they will see us as indifferent strangers. The only thing connects between them and us is the cross of Jesus.” We don’t have a cross of Jesus hanging on a wall in our church. But we really have to live a life that reflects the cross of Jesus.

God has given me grace to have sense to say to my wife, “I am sorry,” whenever I realized that I made her sad or difficult in any ways. That has helped our marriage. How much more a church the body of Christ should say to one of our members, “We are sorry,” if we offended her or him in any way. They are the brides of Christ, whom he purchased with His precious blood. I am sad and heartbroken to offend my bride. How much more we should be if we offended the brides of Christ. Have we UBF offended or abused any of our members spiritually for the last 50 years of history? Are there signs that we have done? If there are, we as church must be ready to say, “We are sorry” and offer sincere apology to those who have been affected and find ways to rectify our mistakes and wrongdoings.

Dear People of God: The first Christians observed with great devotion the days of our Lord’s passion and resurrection, and it became for them the custom of the Church to prepare for them by a season of penitence and fasting. This season of Lent provided a time in which converts to the faith were prepared for Holy Baptism. It was also a time when those who, because of notorious sins, had been separated from the body of the faithful were reconciled by penitence and forgiveness, and restored to the fellowship of the Church. Thereby, the whole congregation was put in mind of the message of pardon and absolution set forth by the Gospel of our Savior, and of the need which all Christians continually have to renew their repentance and faith.

I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word. And, to make a right beginning of repentance, and as a mark of our mortal nature, let us now kneel before the Lord, our maker and redeemer.

[Silence is kept for a time, all kneeling.]

Almighty God, you have created us out of the dust of the earth: Grant that these ashes may be to us a sign of our mortality and penitence, that we may remember that it is only by your gracious gift that we are given everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

Red Flags

I did not attend the ISBC, and after reading the comments, I’m glad I didn’t. I’m also relieved that I will never have to endure such programs ever again. Why? Because I see numerous red flags of what’s known as B.T.E. control. Stephan Hassan developed the B.I.T.E model of control, which explains how authority figures can influence and control even the brightest-minded people, and even people who are very independent. Due to the internet, ubf leaders can no longer control Information, so they are left with B.T.E. – behavior, thought and emotional control as means to influence people to support their cause. I see red flags in the comments to Ben’s article. I won’t point them out however. Those who can see the red flags already know what I’m talking about. Those who don’t see the flags will be best served to discover for themselves what I’m talking about.

A new thing

Based on the comments about the ISBC, I can see that nothing has changed over the past 25 years. The slow change has been going on for decades in ubf. It is always just slow enough for leaders in ubf to incorporate new ideas into the ubf heritage. I did notice one new thing this time though: a woman lecturer. Because my views about women in ministry are egalitarian, I’m glad to see this.

The Woolly Mammoth

The famous saying about an “elephant in the room” applied directly to the 2013 ISBC. It also applied to the 50th Anniversary celebration in 2011; except the “elephant” is now so big and hairy that it is the size of a woolly mammoth. I was told in person by the ubf GD that mentioning the 3 reform movements (of 1976, 1989 and 2000) was discussed in the planning of the 50th Anniversary. And it was decided by the leaders to leave out any mention of such events. They decided to “address it later”. I was assured personally by the GD that such events would be addressed sometime soon. (I knew not to hold my breath however because “soon” in ubf normally means about 50 years…)

The 2013 ISBC was the perfect moment to address the former members and the crisis of leaders leaving. But as someone noted, no mention of such things happened at the ISBC. If the leaders did not address the crisis openly at the ISBC, we can only conclude that the events and people involved will not be dealt with in any public or honest manner. In fact, I suspect a handful of Korean directors who haved caused much of the spiritual abuse and other problems in ubf will be once again glorified for yet another “successful ISBC”.

So after all the effort to produce another ISBC just about like all other ISBC’s, these “elephant in the room” questions remain. Will there be a leader in ubf with enough courage to address these questions publicly and honestly?

1. Will the facts of the 1976, 1989, 2000 and 2011 movements be addressed honestly and openly? Will anyone openly discuss what has been happening in Korea ubf chapters? Will anyone admit that several ubf chapters disintegrated recently such as in Russia, China and North America? Where can we get unbiased numbers?

2. Will the leaders in ubf continue to require a permanent, personal shepherd for every member of ubf? Will the shepherds and directors in ubf seek outside Christian resources to grow beyond their shallow, harmful theology? Will ubf conferences and programs continue to be times of binding people’s lives to the ubf heritage with the ubf ideology?

These are my repeated demands openly addressed to every ubf chapter director and to the General Director and also to the directors in Korea. I will continue to give voice to these concerns. And I will continue to be an open, available resource and a friend to anyone who was castaway or crushed by ubf leaders.

Will there be silence yet again?

This is the first article in a series I’ve entitled “Sophomoric Musings”. I view my musings as sophomoric for two reasons. The first is that the word sophomore is Greek in origin meaning ‘wise fool’. I’ve lived as a Christian for a little over ten years now. While I feel as though I have amassed some experience that may deem me as relatively wise, in reality I’m still a pretty foolish person. I don’t see things objectively, so my musings are infused with a bit of quackery as well as insight due to just having lived up until this point. Secondly, the term sophomore refers to a stage just above the novice or freshman level. These days, I feel as though I’ve entered into the second phase of my Christian life. I’m not sure if I can say exactly when or where the transition happened (the Red Line stop at Belmont on July 10^th… nah forget it), but I definitely feel as though I’ve had a major paradigm shift as of late in terms of how I relate to Christ, His church and the world around me. This post is an articulation of what I’ve been feeling as of late. Hope you enjoy or even cry preferably tears of joy, but I’m not averse to those induced by sheer terror either; all I can say is that Dr. Ben taught me well in this regard.

On www.ubfriends.org we’ve all been struggling to articulate what exactly it is we desire to occur in UBF. We all have dreams and wishes and quite often, they fail to come to fruition in this lifetime. However, the process of imagining them unfold perhaps keeps us somewhat sane. A dream I’ve conjured up has to do with the beginning of change. Actually change occurs beneath the surface and behind the scenes but usually it burgeons forth in some kind of inaugural moment. So what I’m imagining is that particular moment. It would be in the form of a sermon given by a prominent pastor/leader in UBF (insert any figure you have a preference for).

Some Like it HOT

It’s a hot, stuffy, bright day in the afternoon; the sun is shining through the windows and brilliantly reflecting off of the adjacent wall, illuminating all of the intricate crevices etched into the stucco over time. The sun light almost looks heavenly, angelic as it configures into a neatly ordered, splayed-line pattern due to being fractured by the window blinds. The ceiling fans are spinning quietly while the AC motor is pushing cooled air through the vents at a low and steady hum. Hot, but bearable; to my dismay, not hot enough for me to doze off. The sanctuary is packed with about four hundred people or so, stuffy with must and all of those peculiar summer scents; the smell of perfume and cologne become amplified in this heat and that sneeze smell seems to travel at least ten times more now than it does when dispersed in cold air. The pastor is supposed to be delivering a sermon on the Great Commission in what would be an otherwise predictable lecture for most UBF members. I’m about to go into autopilot mode, thinking about what I have to do to get ready for work on Monday. I also keep fixating on this unsightly stain on the back of the chair of one of the parishioners. “What is that?” I ask myself, maybe a smear of chocolate or something less savory. Man, I would like some chocolate right about now, I think to myself. Looking up at the Pastor in his three piece suit and tie, with my eyes ready to glaze over, I listen to the words slowly tumbling out of his mouth, more like slow pouring molasses on a warm summer day. I notice that his demeanor is somewhat hesitant, uneasy this time around, which is unusual. He looks very forlorn but determined to stand in the pulpit and deliver his message. He seems to have a one thousand pound burden weighing him down. This makes me perk up and open my ears to listen. He begins to speak (the rest of this post is his sermon).

Today, I was prepared to give a sermon on the Great Commission. Throughout the years this has been the linchpin of UBF ministry. Many people have come to our ministry because of it and also many have left because of it. Well today, I’d like to take a little detour from what I initially began to write about Jesus’ statement in Matthew chapter twenty eight, verses eighteen and nineteen. For some time, the Gospel, the pure grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and all of its implications has been working in my heart in a new way. I’ve been struggling with how to articulate my feelings about this, but today I believe that I have something very important to say that will perhaps shape the context of our ministry for years to come.

I’ve thought about some of the misguided things that our ministry has done in the past, things which I used to justify.  And while over the past few years I’ve apologized somewhat for these things, I know in my heart of hearts that a genuine apology has never been given from me or others in senior positions. This truth came to a head recently when somehow the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to see how injurious many aspects of UBF’s ideology actually are. While God blessed us in many ways with a unique mission, we have also egregiously sinned against God and against His precious sheep in various ways. Not only do I have a deep sense of anguish and remorse about this, but many others, both former and current members, are coming forth baring their hearts and seeking some semblance of remorse from long time UBF leaders. I deeply apologize that both I and they have been silent for so long. Perhaps in private conversations we have even vented our angst concerning the ministry and even apologized, but publicly we have never attempted to disclose such things. I stand before you today and state with a spirit of deep contrition, repentance and earnestness, that our ministry is indeed very broken. (He pauses as if on the verge of shedding a tear; the sanctuary is captivated in stunned silence).

In the rest of my talk today, I’d like to share my thoughts on why this is the case and some possible remedies. To be honest, I don’t have this written down in sermon form; what I speak to you today is from my heart and I would like to engage all of you in the most genuine manner possible. Shep… I mean John (authors’ note: not actual name of a person), (at this moment, John looks up at the pastor, mouth agape and eyes widely transfixed upon him) I want to do away with these foolish titles, what I’m saying is that I’d like to talk to you today… to you… to all of you from the earnestness of my heart. It’s time to shed all of these facades. Let me continue with my train of thought on some of our problems.

Yes, We Admit it, Soylent… Green… is… Made of People

(An Admission of Gross Wrongdoing)

Specifically, I believe a significant portion of negative aspects in our ministry stems from our narrow definition of the word ‘ministry’ (he makes quote signs with his fingers as he’s saying this). Particularly, we’ve relegated our ministry mainly to the campus setting. Focusing on campus ministry is what worked for us in the past; as you all know, it is the very foundation of our ministry. But the problem is that we trusted in and chose the foundation of campus ministry more than the foundation of Christ and the Gospel. Not only this, but we’ve enforced our view of ministry with an uncompromising, iron-like fist. We have abused our positions of authority in order to keep our legalistic view of the gospel intact. Because of this, many espoused and suffered from an injuriously myopic view of ministry. The stories of personal tragedy are simply gut-wrenching and in some cases too much to bear without shedding many tears; the abuse is on a catastrophic level that no one should have to bear; in fact, Christ died in order to take up such wounds and burdens. Not only that, but because we have never sufficiently acknowledged or addressed this problem, these tragedies still occur today, though perhaps unbeknownst to many here, even to some of our young leaders who should be in the know. This being the case, more than anything, I would like our ministry to focus on inward healing as well as conscientiously contacting those who have left the ministry in the hopes of building bridges aright with them.

Before we hold another international or staff conference, I would like us to focus exclusively on this effort. Even to those who are in foreign mission fields, I’m not asking that they stop doing missions, but that they partner with us and acknowledge that our ministry has grave problems that can no longer be ignored. One thing I have in mind is redefining what UBF’s mission is. At the website www.ubfriends.org, as on online community in Christ, former and current members have been sifting through and trying to interpret the good, bad and ugly aspects of our UBF heritage, it’s really quite interesting. Anyway, upon reviewing some of the former statements about these heritage points by our own UBF leaders (www.ubf.org/node/155) in conjunction with reading ubfriends blogs and comments, I have concluded that our internal doctrine is woefully, woefully misguided and needs immediate revision. Surely, there is some truth contained in them, but the first and foremost heritage point should be adherence to the gospel of God’s grace. I’m not sure about how to redefine the rest of our heritage points and to be honest I don’t really care. For far too long, the gospel given by Christ has been overshadowed by these eight or twelve heritage points. If I were to take a page from Martin Luther’s legacy, I would post one thesis: the Gospel of God’s grace.

I Don’t Want Your Money; I Want Change

I’m not sure how all of this will unfold, but I believe that this is the very long, overdue and necessary starting point to rebuilding UBF’s foundation rightly. Just to give some specifics of what necessarily has to change, I want to give some directives that I hope you will find beneficial. First of all, today, you may or may not choose to stay after service and pray two by two; you can pray in groups or however you like (some in the congregation let out a snicker, a chortle or nervous laughter, looking at each other as if to confirm that they all heard what the pastor just said). In terms of ministerial practice, if you have conviction about seeing your home or your workplace or any other place as your mission field, please with our blessing serve with the grace of our Lord Jesus there. You are no longer relegated or tied to the campus to do ministry there; please feel free to serve anywhere as you see fit. (literally a millisecond after the pastor is finished, one of the older missionaries shouts out, “This is heresy!” and storms out. The pastor momentarily loses his composure, but regains it and continues on with heightened resolve). Moreover, if you believe that God has called you to do social justice ministry, we will wholeheartedly support you in this endeavor. Actually, we would like to do something revolutionary. We would like to have committees to oversee each of these areas, that is the home, workplace and urban evangelization. Not only these areas but any other area you propose, we are willing to let you have the freedom to build up these ministries under the UBF banner. Also, we would like to encourage you to visit other churches and build relationships with those outside of UBF. You don’t have to come here every Sunday; take some time to explore the rest of the Christian world. This may come as a grave shock to many of you, but I’m telling you, get out and get to know other people besides UBF people (at this, the crowd begins to stir and talk to each other in disbelief at the statements coming from the pastor’s mouth). In all of this, we just ask that you not use your freedom in the Spirit as an excuse to do evil, but rather to love. In this way, we want to become a multi-faceted, healthy church which is what many have vied for and advocated in the past as well as present.

In the coming weeks we would like to launch a series entitled, “What is the Gospel?” For many years, we have presumed to know what the gospel means but it is obvious that we need to go back to the basics and learn the truth about the very crux of Christianity. We will also hold workshops on how to practically apply the gospel in all of our various relationships. We will not look to UBF heritage to define the Gospel; rather we will look to the Bible, church history and also the current work of many contemporary theologians and pastors who have exclusively focused on this issue. Any major conference will have this theme from now on. I don’t know for how long, perhaps until Jesus comes. But by the authority given to me by the Chief Shepherd Jesus Christ, as a lowly under shepherd of His church, I am resigned to teaching you only about His Gospel, as explained by the whole of Scripture in both the Old and New Testaments, until the day I die. If I ever, ever step out of line and Lord authority over you or try to take the place of the Chief Shepherd, I will submit to church discipline and if need be resign; this is how seriously I take my commitment to purity and integrity in leading you.

Chicken Wings and Drinks On Me

Lastly, some practical advice, not a command, to you today is this: If you have children or family that you have not seen for some time because you have been so busy with ministry, please go home and hug them. Tell them that you love them and that they are more important than any mission, that in fact they are the mission; your mission is to love them with the love of Christ. For older missionaries who have strained relationships with children who have either left the church or have remained in a begrudging manner, please call them and apologize to them; tell them that you are sorry and that your only desire is for them to know the grace of our Lord Jesus. I give this advice to any shepherds who have wounded young students in the past. Also, for those who are peers, if you have any grudges, please don’t delay coming to the cross to reconcile; this is much more important than the work of campus ministry or any other endeavor that you wish to undertake.

From now on, we will listen to any and every story of abuse or misfortune you have suffered because of UBF. In fact, we want to hold both open and private forums for such dialogue to occur. We can do this over a meal in someone’s house or in the sanctuary right here before this giant cross emblem. Yes, as leaders, we might initially become defensive or even angry at some of the assertions, because these things are very difficult for us to face and own up to. But we give you our word, we will hear you out and we will seek real reconciliation to the best of our ability. We will shed tears with you and talk for many, many hours. However long it takes, we will seek to understand you and come to a solution at the foot of the cross.

These are very trying times for our ministry, but something such as what I laid out today absolutely must take place if we are going to do right by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you today.  Oh and lastly, if you want to go out and have a beer, drinks on me at Hawkeyes near UIC; can’t beat the ten cent wings either. We can ride my purple dragon, Bubbles there (author’s note: hey, I did say this was a dream). Thank you and God bless you.

On the Verge of Waking Up

Many of the parishioners are clueless as to what to do; even the piano player is at a loss as to what hymn to begin playing. “How about we just end service right here?” the pastor says. Some people remain in their seats in shock, others begin to file out and discuss what they have just heard. At the same time, a long line forms beginning at the podium where the pastor once stood and terminates at the rear sanctuary door. Personally, I’m puzzled as to what exactly just happened, but at the same time I feel as though precisely what I dreamed of wanting to transpire just came to fruition. It’s hard to believe this because dreams are often illusory and hard to remember, seemingly impossible to grasp. I think to myself, perhaps this is just another one of those dreams. I sooth myself with the notion that whatever occurs on this side of heaven will always be imperfect and bittersweet, but what will happen on the other side is in fact beyond our wildest and most imaginative dreams for it is a reality grounded in truth and perfect justice, authored by God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit in whom there is nothing false or malicious.

Concluding Remarks

Some may not appreciate the humor put forth in this article; I haven’t tried my hand much at it so maybe it’s a bit off… or way off. But the reason for the levity is captured best by a quote from Elton Trueblood in his wonderful little book entitled The Humor of Christ,

“Any alleged Christianity which fails to express itself in gaiety, at some point, is clearly spurious. The Christian is gay not because he is blind to injustice and suffering, but because he is convinced that these, in the light of the divine sovereignty are never ultimate. He is convinced that the unshakeable purpose is the divine rule of all things, whether of heaven or earth (Eph. 1:10). Though he can be sad, and often is perplexed, he is never really worried. The well-known humor of the Christian is not a way of denying the tears, but rather a way of affirming something which is deeper than tears.”

John says that the scribes were the most religious people in Israel. Maybe they were good humanly. They were moral people. They had good intentions. But Jesus didn’t have a conversation with them. Instead, Jesus pronounced condemnation. And there are many places in Scripture where Jesus pronounces condemnation upon the most religious Jews. He even calls them “sons of hell”. He says, “Woe to you!”

Jesus warns the disciples and people to “beware of the scribes”. Why? Because they are in an error and yet claim to be the source of truth and light. They are harming other people. They oppose Jesus and his gospel. John MacArthur said that a Christian should not confront error with conversation but with condemnation. Some people say that Christians should learn some good and deep things from the spirituality of Muslims and Buddhists and Jews (and of course Confucius). But shouldn’t Christians act like Jesus?! And Jesus gives us an example how to confront errors even of the most close to Christianity religious leaders (the Jews) – and that is with condemnation. How should and must we confront those whose errors are as far from Christianity as Confucius is?

Jesus describes the Jewish scribes and their errors.

1. They desire to walk in long robes, and love greetings in the markets, and the highest seats in the synagogues, and the chief rooms at feasts. They are very careful about their status in the church and in the society. John MacArthur says that in our days they would desire people call them “Dr.”. What is more they would love when people call them “father”. They love to show themselves holy and special and high before people. This goes against Jesus’ clear teaching, “But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi. But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ” (Mt.23:5-10).

I suppose that every member of ubf can give a number of stories when he/she heard how ubf leaders love and demand that they were called “Dr.”/ “msn.”/ “shepherd”/ and even “father/mother”. Jesus says many times “Woe!” to such people. It is condemnation and a curse from the Lord.

2. The scribes “devour widows’ houses…” The scribes were the lawyers of the time. They used their position to cheat widows. In that time, widows were “the most indefensible people” in the society. Who are the most indefensible people in the society in our time? Aren’t the most indefensible people today our college students? Who are the people whom you could manipulate the easiest? Students are very young and often naiive about life. They have “left their father and mother” in order to study at a university. So it is rather difficult even for parents to influence their college-age children. What is more, if a college student enters a closed system (such as in ubf) they become most vulnerable. Look for an example here http://exubf.blogspot.ru/2007/07/donna.html.

John MacArthur gives an example in his lecture of “devouring widows” in our time. Some “preachers” go to the poorest nations in Africa and promise people that they will be blessed by God if they bring their money to the “church”. They even demand that these poor people bring their monthly payment and give it to the “preachers”. Hopefully students are richer than people in Africa. And after graduation the students can hopefully have good jobs and give nice tithes.

In the UBF context, I know for sure that to give the tithes is an “absolute” command. Also (at least in our chapter) when you have a job you must give your full first monthly payment to the UBF treasury as “your first fruit to the Lord”. Whether you are poor or not doesn’t matter. What is more it is very very difficult and unrealistic to find a person in ubf who would know how and who uses all the tithes of UBF people. You may know that people give their money to UBF, a lot of money, but that’s all you can know about the money after offering it. Isn’t this an example of “devouring widows”?

3. The scribes “…for a show make long prayers”. I personally could not and still cannot understand those UBF-style “3000 prayers” for an ISBC so that more than 3000 people would participate. Is this Christian? Is it healthy to pray for sending 100,000 ubf missionaries worldwide even after God hasn’t answered any ubf “number” prayer, and even after UBF missionaries showed themselves to be spiritually abusive toward many kinds of people? And even after sending ubf missionaries to the most Christian countries in the world? What kind of prayer does UBF promote and teach?

How do we deal with UBF leaders who have refused to repent?

Jesus says, “the same shall receive greater damnation”. They will receive a damnation from God which is greater than “usual damnation” for sinners. There are many Christian opinions about UBF available on the internet. Let me give one which is short and to the point of the article: http://www.apologeticsindex.org/u08.html. Please pay attention to the words “error” and “aberrant” and the way the site confronts UBF errors.

“Theologically, we consider the University Bible Fellowship to be at best an aberrant movement. In Christian theology, aberrant means, “Off-center or in error in some important way, such that the doctrine or practice should be rejected and those who accept it held to be sinning, even though they may very well be Christian.”

This blog, UBFriends, has provided public space and offers the possibility for real conversation with UBFleaders. However, it hasn’t worked over the past three years. The conversation hasn’t even begun yet actually with the UBF leaders who need to join in the discussion. Some UBF leaders have realized the problems in UBF with godly sorrow, and have already “told it to the church”. What do we do now? Do you see any principles for you to follow in Jesus’ confronting error with condemnation?

(Source: Godly Sorrow and Sorrow, a sermon by Charles H. Spurgeon delivered on 9/9/1900)

What more is there to say?

I leave you with some quotes from the piercing words of godly sorrow from the widow of the late James Kim of Toledo. Her words sparked the results of godly sorrow in me, just as 2 Corinthians 7:11 reads: “See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.”

An Example of Godly Sorrow

The following testimony was posted by M. Rebecca B. K., the wife of James J. K., a former UBF Toledo director, at the reformubf.org web site on July 17, 2001. In this testimony, she revealed the truth of her mission life within the UBF ministry, from the beginning of her marriage life to her present life in Houston, Texas. This report shows what harm UBF is causing not only to “sheep,” but also to “missionaries,” who offer their whole lives for UBF, but often live in broken families, because the interfering of the leaders obstructs a harmonic marriage life. It also shows much of the well hidden dark side of UBF and the sufferings it inflicts on the members. Most of the female members are suffering silently.

This is one of the rare documents where a female UBF member does take the courage to open her mouth to tell about the real face of UBF. The full letter may be read here, where her letter has been posted online for many years now. In light of Scripture and Spurgeon’s sermon on godly sorrow, I make this public plea for many women in ubf, whether Korean or American or Russian or Canadian or any where around the world, to speak up with the courage of Esther in the bible and the boldness and heart of Rebecca B. Kim.

Excerpts from Rebecca’s Open Letter in 2001

My Marriage in the Garden of Eden

In August of 1976, when I left the United States to get married in Korea, I had $5 dollars in my hand. In Korea, I stayed at Chong Ro Missionary Training Center waiting for my parents to bring me money for the marriage. While I was there I had nothing to do, so for two days I studied Genesis chapter 2 about marriage. I learned that:

1. Marriage existed in the Garden of Eden, which is paradise.
2. The man I was going to marry was the one out of whom I had been created.

And I felt that these things were true about the man I married. As a Kwan Ak Center intern shepherd, my husband was spiritual, devoted to God, gentle, smart, handsome, and penniless.

We took a two-day honeymoon: he rented an old, rusted bicycle and put me on the back seat. He rode the dirt-covered, rocky country roads at full speed. I had to hold him tightly in order not to fall off.

Soon, I returned to Toledo, Ohio, and continued the pioneering ministry at the University of Toledo. After a year, my husband, Missionary James K., joined me in Toledo and took over the ministry.

The Beginning of Trouble

M. James K. did anything and everything he could to earn money to support our family. He worked as a waiter, a janitor, a door-to-door salesman, etc. Meanwhile, our student ministry in Toledo was growing. It was the first American college student ministry in the history of UBF. In the winter of 1977, we held the first American UBF college students’ conference in Toledo. I cooked for three days for 30-40 attendants. At the time, I was four-month’ pregnant with my first child.

After the conference, I was so tired that I felt as if I was going to lose the baby. But I was uneasy and could not rest because of what I had seen and heard days before the conference. In a Toledo Center living room, I had seen M. Samuel Lee looking at a female missionary, and calling her a “hidden spiritual director” with a smile on his face. The missionary smiled shyly in response. “What does ‘hidden spiritual director’ mean?” I wondered.

This incident signified that M. Samuel Lee had a blueprint for the future of the Toledo ministry. Though I didn’t know what the plans were at the time, the ministry was slowly being fashioned according to his design.

The “hidden spiritual director” turned out to be an active informant who functioned as Samuel Lee’s leash on M. James K.. I had to be ostracized.

Rejected by my husband

So accordingly, I began to feel his influence. After I had been married to him for about a year or so, M. James was the same kind, gentle, and loving husband. However, as time wore on, he began to change. I began to feel that he was keeping himself distant from me. Later, it seemed that he was regretting ever having married me. Finally, he became cold and cruel. His criticism towards me seemed to intensify each time he returned from a Chicago message training session. However, he did not care to explain the reasoning behind his actions.

But I was not fooled. I realized that I was in a religious group in which one leader was exercising power as if he were God. If the leader was against me, then certainly, I would feel the crushing weight of an iron wheel. But I did not expect that he would stoop to turning my husband against me, and I was unprepared for what was to come.

Whenever M. James K. went to Chicago message training, M. Samuel Lee would treat him like a son and also feed him with negative comments about me. One of the negative comments was that the Toledo ministry was declining because M. James was listening to me. So M. James K., our co-workers in Toledo, and even all of UBF seemed to believe that.

M. James K. was torn between his desire to love his wife and to follow this supposedly spiritual direction not to listen to his wife for the sake of the Toledo ministry. Gradually he yielded to M. Samuel Lee. He decided not to listen to me and even to despise me since I was a hindrance to God’s work and to his own spiritual growth. He chose to serve God by rejecting his wife.

At that point, M. James and I did not speak to each other for weeks at a time. Since we shared only one car, my children would pass the car keys between the two of us. There was an icy chill between us. Twice I asked M. James K. for a divorce, but he refused.

My child or obedience

Princess Diana said that her marriage was a little crowded because there were three people in her marriage. Yet, she kept her head strong and autonomy of her will. In my three-person marriage, I had no autonomy. M. James K. was obeying whatever M. Samuel Lee said. He was turning into an obedience machine and was losing his humanity. When my second daughter was about to be born, I had no money to pay for a delivery. I put my life before God and delivered her at home. After six weeks, I returned to work with my face still swollen. When she was 3-4 months old, M. Samuel Lee gave a direction to M. James K. to send her to my sister’s home in Chicago.

I did not want to send her and it was against my will. Though I was her mother, I could not say a word of objection. My only choice was to obey. In UBF, M. Samuel Lee’s direction was from God. Disobeying him was disobeying God. As I was packing her stuff, I was crying in pain, which I could not share with M. James K.

After my baby had stayed at my sister’s home for three months, my sister called me to take her back home. That would be the best for the baby. My sister’s little son was beating my daughter. My daughter hit her head repeatedly against the bathtub floor whenever her son knocked her down. My sister worried about possible head injuries. “Should I sacrifice my daughter in order to obey M. Samuel Lee?” I drove to Chicago and brought her back home. Later M. Samuel Lee found out that I had brought her home. After my daughter had grown up, she asked me a question. “Had mommy and daddy stayed in UBF, which one would you choose, me or obedience to M. Samuel Lee?” A good question! Parents in UBF still have to face this question. Even Darth Vader chose his son over his loyalty to the Empire. To me also, the life of my daughter was more important than obedience to M. Samuel Lee.

Remove Everything Before They Arrive

As we finally arrived home, it was unbelievable to see our home. The front wall window was broken, the back door was broken and the house was empty. All our belongings were gone, and some trash was on the floor.

Who did this? M. Paul Hong and Toledo brothers broke in and removed everything and loaded it into a truck. This was done without our consent and against our will. M. Paul Hong knew that we were approaching Toledo because M. James K. called him and asked him not to enter our house until our arrival. I do not know whether he broke into our house before M. James K. called or after he called. Anyway, he removed everything before we arrived.

We had to keep the heater on through the winter to prevent the gas pipes from freezing. Cold winds were blowing into the house through the broken window and the heater was running non-stop. I had to pay the gas bill for the heater. I found a cardboard box. I tore it with my hand and placed it over the broken window. That was all. My home, my sweet home, good-bye, forever. I love you.

M. James K. needed school documents to apply to the University of Houston. I needed clothes desperately for the children. We drove to the place where the truck was parked. It was still so cold and chilly by the residue of the blizzard. My teeth were rattling inside our van as I waited and watched M. James K. trying to find his files amid boxes and packages. It was impossible to find and he gave up.

Even now, I want everyone who broke into my house to apologize to me. [Please read one Toledo brother’s public confession.]   In 1975, I arrived in Toledo with one box, with one Bible and nursing uniforms and shoes in it. Ever since for 15 years, my daily life was that of a slave, working at night and serving you during the day. Not mentioning this, I did not enter your house and remove your belongings without your permission. But you broke into my house and removed everything without my permission and against my will. This was done to increase the humiliation and sufferings on my way to Houston. I made my journey and I’m still alive in Houston waiting for an apology from everyone who entered my house.

That night, we went to a house of one of my sheep (Bible study student). She understood our plight. She offered one room for our family, money, and her daughter’s clothes for my children. The next day we drove back to Houston. On arrival in Houston, at least we had a house to live in, with one rice cooker. The truck loaded with our belongings was broken down in Toledo and needed a repair. The truck arrived after 10 days. So we lived about three weeks in motels, traveling in a van with one rice cooker and eating fast food.

I Am a Sinner

These are painful memories I wish I could forget. But I’m glad that I wrote. Until now I was righteous, and M. James K. was wrong, wrong, wrong. But as I was writing and thought about the past, I remembered my own cruelty, screaming, hysteria, and hatred, toward M. James K. I realized how much pain I gave him and how much pain he had to endure from me. I can not find proper words to describe my pain when I realized that I hurt him so much. I prayed to Jesus to forgive my sins.

My dear husband, M. James K., please, forgive all my sins of cruelty, hatred, insults, screams, heartless, ruthless behaviors. I am not worthy to be in your presence.

Jesus, the Reformer

I’ve never heard anybody calling Jesus “the reformer.” This came to my mind through personal experiences. M. James K. never had an intention to leave UBF. He was thrown out as a rebel when he challenged important issues. We didn’t want to hear even the word, “UBF.” We didn’t see UBF members for years. It was Jesus who opened M. James K.’s heart to serve in Reform UBF.

I made up my mind to serve Jesus in Lakewood Church in Houston. But it was Jesus who opened my heart to accept M. Jacob and Rebecca Chung, M. Elijah and Rebecca Seong as my co-workers in Jesus, and to join Sunday worship service in their apartment to serve Jesus in Reformed UBF ministry.

Jesus is the author and owner of any gospel ministry. The sins of UBF have reached its full measure. The time came for Jesus to reform UBF.

I see UBF ministry sick with sins and spiritual dwarfism due to a system controlled by one man. Jesus freed this so that every man and woman may serve Jesus with the power of God.

Lord, Jesus, come and help many broken marriages.

So, here is the piece:

(Quoted from Control Mechanisms in the ICC)

“The viewpoint generally fostered is that the ICC in general has changed, corrected all wrongs and that any claimed problems are not the way the ICC is any more. If a specific leader is involved, he or she must be seen as having changed unless he or she has lost his position. [When a leader has fallen out of favor, it is permitted to denigrate him or her, provide that his or her misconduct are viewed firmly in the past tense.] It must never be admitted that the ideals of the group are flawed.

Sometimes, particularly on minor issues, a leader will give permission for a problem to be admitted and allow some discussion of possible solutions. This is not a common practice. When it does occur, it will be over something like a group outing or people arriving late to a meeting. But even on such issues, the leader remains firmly in control of what topics may be discussed. An ordinary member will not be given the floor to address serious problems. Similarly, critical matters are not discussed openly, admitted to be current problems, with ordinary members freely offering options for solutions. Members who dare to speak up have been silenced and even ejected from the group.

The only exception to this practice of treating problems in the past tense is to state that the group is not committed enough, not working hard enough, not baptizing enough – this admission must always be couched in terms of the group needing to work harder to achieve its ambitions. Only issues of this type may be considered in the present tense – all others must be viewed as past tense. This exception enhances the control by the ICC leadership by pushing the members to be even more dedicated to following the leaders’ edicts.

This illusion of change helps the member avoid assessing the group. If something bad has happened then it is always in the past, it is time forgive and forget. This very way of thinking allows abuse to continue by preventing open and serious dialog amongst the members. This way of not dealing with problems also grants further power to the leadership by making the only source of change those selfsame leaders. Even leaders have been stifled in their efforts to affect changes, by higher-ranking leaders. Those who have tried have typically been fired and/or kicked out of the ICC.

Previously, anyone who spoke out against Kip’s sins faced serious retribution. Now, his serious offenses are permitted to be mentioned. But the discussions are in the past tense. The problems have to be viewed as being solved. Repentance, forgiveness and love must abound. No demand by ordinary members for serious reform may be made.

Even I, a former member, have received emails from current members to the effect that I am wrong to continue to oppose the ICC since all these problems are supposedly in the past. Since certain apologies have been made, by McKean and other leaders, then everything must be viewed as mistakes of the past. Such views illustrate my point very well: no means exists to admit and address CURRENT problems. They all have to be viewed as being things of the past.

The past tense nature of handling these issues leads to there being no meaningful evaluation of what aspects of the group cause these sorts of problems. Despite the repeated abuses of leadership happening innumerable times, it is all viewed as isolated incidents. The clear pattern of emotional and psychological abuse by leaders on the ordinary members is not taken into consideration. There is no examination into the core beliefs (or lack thereof) that lead to such events. Almost invariably, the view taken is that any problem is just some leaders’ sins and has already been fixed.

This brings me to the point of abusive forgiveness. Forgiveness is a very good thing, but it can be used for abusive purposes. Forgiveness is not just letting something go unaddressed (unless it is a trivial issue such as forgetting to do something you promised). Forgiveness serves to repair a friendship and to promote growth in the relationship. It can be abused by such things as repeatedly doing something, demanding forgiveness each time, but never meaningfully working to change. In that situation, the abuse continues and the relationship cannot grow. This is just what the ICC leadership has done.”

(Source: Godly Sorrow and Sorrow, a sermon by Charles H. Spurgeon delivered on 9/9/1900)

How to tell the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow?

Godly sorrow is sorrow on account of sin because it is sin against God.

Spurgeon makes an intriguing point about godly sorrow by comparing two labels: sinner and criminal. We might readily say “I am a sinner”. But do we realize our criminal offense against God? Perhaps we have made attempts to reconcile with other people or to reach a certain level of perceived peace with those who have offended us. But is our conscience clear before God who sees all?

“If I were to personally address any man or woman in this place, and say, “You are a sinner,” each one would reply, “Yes, that is true;” but if I were to say to a man, “You are a criminal,” he would be ready to knock me down. So, you see, a criminal is one who offends against men, and that is, in our view, a very horrible thing; but a sinner being only one who offends against God, that is not, according to most people’s notion, anything in particular, so they do not care much about it. Oh, but when a man is really awakened, he sees that the gravamen of the offense is that it is an offense against God; that is the worst part of the offense, as he rightly judges, and he therefore sorrows over it. This is a sorrow which is to be cultivated by us, the mourning over sin because it is committed against God.”

Godly sorrow is mixed with faith that yields to Christ.

To be sorry for sin and realize we stand as criminals before God is one thing, and a necessary step. But have we accepted the mercy of God? Do we realize the grace and forgiveness at the cross of Christ? Godly sorrow is both bitter and sweet. Godly sorrow is not merely rejection of sin but also acceptance of Christ. Godly sorrow is not just a “take your lashings and move on” type of sorrow. Godly sorrow includes faith in the completed work on the cross of Calvary. Godly sorrow is a surrender to grace that costs us nothing and cost God everything.

“Then, notice, that it is also a sorrow which is associated with a believing faith, for a godly sorrow must be one that makes the heart that feels it yield itself to Christ. Yielding itself to Christ, it must believe in Christ; for, if I do not believe in Christ, it is certain that I have not yielded myself to him. Therefore, the only sorrow for sin that is worth having is that which brings me to yield myself up to the Lord Jesus Christ, and to accept God’s mercy in God’s own way. If you have any sort of sorrow for sin, which does not lead you to believe in Christ, away with it! Away with it! A repentance, that does not repent at the cross, is a repentance which will have to be repented of; but true sorrow for sin must be blended with a childlike submission to God, and consequent confidence in Christ; otherwise, it is not “godly sorrow.”

Godly sorrow leads to repentance.

When we come to the great realization of our criminal status before God and are washed in His floodgates of mercy, we enter into a paradigm-shift. Verse 11 of the text for this sermon reads: “See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.” (2 Corinthians 7:11) That is the result of godly sorrow that leads to repentance! The change of mind that occurs is so radical it cannot be mistaken. And it can and will happen regularly when our spirit is growing and healthy. Worldly sorrow leaves much regret and seeks to put people and events into the past as quickly as possible, forgetting that things ever happened. But Godly sorrow seeks justice. Godly sorrow leads to a fervent desire to make things right.

“Godly sorrow” is, next, known by its leading to repentance. It “worketh repentance” – “a change of mind” about everything, and especially about sin. A man is so sorry for having done wrong that he thinks differently now of all wrong-doing. He thinks differently of his entire life; and his mind is made up, God helping him, to live just the opposite way to that in which he has formerly lived. When sorrow for sin leads to that result, we may be quite sure that it is the work of the Spirit of God, and that it is acceptable in his sight.”

“It leads on also to deliverance from sin, for the text says, “Godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation.” Now, what is salvation? Some people think that it means being saved from going down to hell. That is the result of salvation; but salvation means being saved from the power of sin, and being saved from the tendency to sin, as well as being saved from the punishment of sin. That is a blessed sorrow which leads us to such a change of mind that the bonds of sin are snapped, and we become free men in Christ Jesus, saved in the Lord with an everlasting salvation from the bondage and the power of sin and Satan.”

Scary words of Jesus.

I want to be blessed. I hesitated studying Revelation for the longest time. Yet this book promises a blessing to anyone who reads it, hears it and takes it to heart (Rev 1:3). Since I want to be blessed, I began to read several books in order to understand apocalyptic literature, which is the genre of Revelation. Last year, while in Manila, I preached on The Revelation of Jesus Christ (Rev 1:1-20), What Is Heaven Like? (Rev 21:1-22:5), and Christian, Listen Up! (Rev 2:1-3:22); my intent was to cover what Jesus says to the seven churches in one sermon. I wanted to be done with it. But the Filipino UBF leaders asked me to teach on the seven churches at their Easter Conference (Apr 29-31, 2013). So I had to restudy them…again. I was surprised how relevant it was to me and to our contemporary churches. This is a very brief summation of what I learned.

Ephesus: Discernment Without Love (Rev 2:1-7). They were very good and solid with truth, but they lacked love for others. They loved Jesus, but their dwindling declining love for people displeased Jesus.

Smyrna: The Riches of Poverty (Rev 2:8-11). This is one of two churches with no rebukes, because they were willing to suffer, be imprisoned and martyred by not denying the name of Jesus.

Pergamum: Compromising and Defiled (Rev 2:12-17). Though they were true to the name of Jesus like Smyrna, yet they compromised with idolatry and sexual immorality, thus defiling themselves.

Thyatira: Love Without Discernment (Rev 2:18-29). They were the opposite of Ephesus. They were doing more out of love than before, yet like Pergamum they compromised with idolatry and sexual immorality.

Sardis: Giving False Impressions (Rev 3:1-7). They were very good at making themselves look like a really good and lively church. But Jesus saw that they were dead.

Philadelphia: Keeping God’s Word With Little Strength (Rev 3:7-13). This is the second church after Smyrna with no rebuke. Despite having little strength they kept Jesus’ word.

Laodicea: The Poverty of Riches (Rev 3:14-22). They are the opposite of Smyrna, who was poor yet rich. Their wealth and self-sufficiency made them lukewarm, wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked!

Hear what the Spirit says. To all seven churches, Jesus exhorts repentance and faithfulness to Jesus to the end, and says, “Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.” To all who overcome and are victorious Jesus promises ultimate blessings that nothing in this world can ever give.

Do I love as I did at first? Personally, I perhaps relate most to Ephesus, since I love the Bible, but might have trouble loving as I did at first…especially when I am annoyed. Living in affluent America, the temptation of idolatry, immorality, duplicity and money is ever present, which was the defilement of Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis and Laodicea. I pray to live the faithfulness unto death of Smyrna and the unwavering perseverance of Philadelphia despite having little strength.

Does Jesus have anything against you? Which church do you most relate to?

But it seems to me that primarily doing so would quite certainly “ignore” the sins of older Christians. Of course, older Christians sin in similar ways. But with age, I think that it is a lot easier for older Christians to “hide” their sins behind the austerity of being older, wiser, more mature and more spiritual, whatever that means. So how then can I address the sins of older Christians, including and primarily beginning with myself? What might they be?

Vanity. I want to look good as an older, mature Christian. So I will act like an older, mature Christian. I begin by trying to make myself look younger than I actually am. I definitely do not want to look as old as I am. I act like the image I imagine of myself in my 20s and 30s. Even if I want to look younger than I am, I expect that others treat me appropriately according to my real age.

Dishonesty. I want to be very careful not to disclose or expose my sins too much, and only those that I think are acceptable. I am reluctant to share how I angrily hurt my wife, or when I stayed up for many hours playing video games, or watching TV or movies, or doing something else that would be unmentionable for an “older, mature, spiritual” Christian to do.

Honor. I want to make sure that I am properly honored and respected, even commended, as an older, exemplary leader in the church. I try my best to act like a good strong capable and positively influential leader. I will not tolerate any younger person who treats me with what I perceive to be disrespect. If they do, I will find some creative way to put them in their subordinate position below me. If others ignore me or criticize me or are condescending toward me, I will burn inwardly and find ways to expose their sins and faults for the whole world to see.

Self-righteousness. This might as well be my middle name. In fact, it should be my first name and last name as well. If someone corrects me, disagrees with me, or points out my faults, I become defensive. I become like a hungry lion ready to pounce and devour its prey until everything is eaten completely. I want to prove my point and to make sure that others understand how right I am and that they simply lack imagination, understanding or humility. Even if on the rare occasions that I do keep quiet and do not respond, I am simply trying to show how magnanimous and mature, gracious, generous and gentle I am toward them.

Showing favoritism. Those who like me, listen to me, and support me, I respond favorably toward them. But those who do not, I will regard and respond to accordingly. Those who seem obedient and attractive I will pay attention to them more than to those I regard as disobedient and unattractive.

Revenge. If self-righteousness is my first name, middle name and last name, then revenge is my lurking hidden name that is always forcing itself into play.

Lording over others. This is second nature to me. Correct that; it seems to be my first nature!

Do I do all of the above? Unfortunately, I think of all of them. Then some of it “slips out” unintentionally and sometimes intentionally!

I am sure that there are tons more sins of older Christians. But to keep my posts under 800 words I will stop here.

What sins of older Christians do you think are neglected, ignored or unmentioned? Does the church need to address “the sins of older Christians” perhaps even more than the sins of younger Christians?

I’ve heard people say that Lent is unbiblical because it is not mentioned in the Bible. The Apostle Paul tells us not to let anyone judge us by what we eat or drink or by the religious festivals and holidays that we keep (Col 2:16). Observing Lent is not a matter of right or wrong. However, Lenten practices go back to the earliest days of the Church, and many Christians throughout the ages have found them to be beneficial.

Lent is part of the annual church calendar which does have biblical roots. An annual cycle of religious feasts was established in the Old Testament. Jesus observed those feasts, and the main events of the gospel are embedded in them. Jesus died at feast of Passover; he rose from the dead on the feast of Firstfruits; and he sent his Holy Spirit on the feast of Pentecost. The church liturgical calendar is partly a Christian adaptation of the Jewish cycle of feasts.

The church calendar can keep us grounded in the facts of the gospel. The birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus took place in history; they are objective truths. Our understanding of God and relationship with him are subjective experiences. Responding to the liturgical calendar in prayer and worship can be an excellent way to connect our subjective experiences of faith to the objective truths of the gospel. It helps us to align our story with the Bible’s story. And it’s a practical way to be united with Christ in his baptism and ministry, and in his death and resurrection. In Philippians 3:10-11, Paul wrote: “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Lent is a time when we can walk alongside Jesus and witness his suffering, experiencing the events that led to his betrayal, arrest and crucifixion. It is a somber time, a season of quiet reflection, repentance and self denial. Observing Lent can make the celebration of Easter all the more meaningful and joyful.

Christians have traditionally observed Lent by fasting and abstaining from things that give them pleasure. Practicing self-denial can be helpful, but it also may be unhealthy. Here are three things to keep in mind about fasting and related practices.

1. Healthy fasting is not an attempt to get something from God. It is not a tool to manipulate God (which won’t work anyway). And it is certainly not a method for earning God’s favor. If you are a child of God, then you already have God’s favor; he cannot love you any more than he already does. Fasting is not a means of earning grace. Spiritual disciplines should be understood as a means for drawing near to Christ and opening ourselves to receive the grace that he has already bestowed.

2. Healthy fasting is not primarily about me. Self-denial may lead a person to become self-absorbed. Jesus warns against this (Mt 6:16-18). In the Old Testament, righteous fasting is linked to concern and compassion for those who are less fortunate. Isaiah 58:6-7 says: “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter – when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?” By fasting, we can suffer with those who suffer and mourn with those who mourn. By fasting, we can live in solidarity with Jesus who went to the cross to bear sorrow and pain for the whole world.

3. Healthy fasting does not pit one part of a person against another, but brings the parts together into alignment. In a well integrated person, the mind, heart and body should be in sync. Sin causes them to become disconnected, and spiritual disciplines should help them to reconnect.

One of the biggest news stories earlier this month was the search for former Los Angeles police officer Chris Dorner who went on a shooting spree and then fled to the San Bernadino Mountains. While Dorner was in a standoff with police, his mother was reportedly spotted in a Mexican restaurant drinking wine and eating chips while watching the media coverage of her son on TV. I don’t know anything about Mrs. Dorner’s relationship with her son. But by any reasonable standard, this behavior is odd. When someone you love is in a crisis, a normal bodily response would be fasting, not feasting.

I once heard of a church that held a service on Good Friday. The pastor selected joyful hymns and delivered a happy message to “celebrate” Jesus’ victory at the cross. I understand his point, but a joyful Good Friday service is rather awkward. (I wonder how this pastor would officiate at a funeral for one of his parishioners.) There is a proper time to laugh and a proper time to weep (Ecc 3:4). Celebrating, lauging or joking at inappropriate times are symptoms of a human being in denial, one who is disconnected from his surroundings, from other people, and from himself.

In an excellent book titled Fasting: The Ancient Practices, author Scot McKnight argues that unhealthy fasting grows out of unbiblical views about the body. Many Christians have a Gnostic-like tendency to separate body from spirit. They tend think of the spiritual realm as being superior and holy, and the physical realm as being inferior or corrupt. With such a view, fasting can become an unhealthy battle to subdue the flesh by the power of the will. The behavior of some ascetic saints who practiced extreme forms of self-deprivation (e.g. Francis of Assisi, Catherine of Siena) may be related to anorexia nervosa and distorted body image. Spirit-body dualism is a key feature of Greek philosophy, but it is not consistent with the Hebrew understanding of human beings in the Old Testament. Nor is it consistent with the gospel. The Incarnation of the Son of God was meant to redeem our bodies, not to defeat them.

Biblical fasting, argues McKnight, allows the body to express the discomfort of the spirit: “Fasting is the natural, inevitable response of a person to a grievous, sacred moment in life.” A healthy person will naturally want to fast in times of crisis or in times of mourning, when loved ones are in danger or experiencing tragedy. As we recall the suffering of Jesus during the season of Lent, the normal response of an empathetic Christian is not to indulge in physical pleasures but to put them aside for a time with reverence and respect.

Fasting may have short-term and long-term benefits. Some Christians who fast will tell you that it helps them to pray. It may bring clarity and discernment. It may help to diminish temptations in other areas (e.g. sexual behavior). And it may help you to shed some extra pounds around your midsection. Fasting and other acts of self-denial may bring some positive results in your life. But those are not the primary motivations for fasting during the Lent. The best reason to fast is to experience in your body a palpable solidarity with Jesus Christ who bore in his body the sin, sorrow and suffering of the world.

In the near future, I hope to write more about the history of Lent and how Christians can benefit from Lenten practices. For now, I will share a traditional Lenten prayer that was composed in the fourth century A.D. by Saint Ephrem the Syrian.

O Lord and Master of my Life!

Take from me the spirit of sloth, faintheartedness, lust of power and idle talk.

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to your servant.

Yea, O Lord and King!

Grant me to see my own errors and not to judge my brother; for you are blessed from all ages to all ages. Amen.

In his excellent book titled Ancient-Future Time, the late Dr. Robert Webber described how this prayer may be incorporated into devotional life during the Lenten season.  On pp. 115-116, Webber writes:

Through this prayer, we encounter four negative concerns aimed at spiritual struggles common to us all:

• Sloth — a laziness that prevents us from choosing a spiritual pilgrimage aimed at overcoming the powers of evil working against us.
• Faintheartedness — despondency, a negative and pessimistic attitude toward life.
• Lust of power — the assertion of self as lord of life expressed in the desire to subordinate other people under our power.
• Idle talk — a negative power of speech that puts others down and uses words in a destructive rather than constructive way.

These four negative characteristics deny us the fullness of life intended by God. They are balanced by four positive characteristics that bring us into greater experience with the fullness of life God intends for us:

• Chastity/wholeness — the word is most often used regarding sexuality. But its real meaning is the opposite of sloth and refers to wholeness. Broadly speaking it refers to the recovery of true values in every area of life.
• Humility — the fruit of wholeness is humility, the victory of God’s truth taking hold in our entire life. The humble person lives by the truth of God and sees life as God made it and intended it to be.
• Patience — patience sees the depth of life in all its complexity and does not demand instant change now, in this moment.
• Love — the opposite of pride. When wholeness, humility and patience are worked in us, the result is a person characterized by love. This kind of person can sincerely pray, “Grant me to see my own errors and not judge my brother.”

I suggest that you memorize this prayer and repeat it frequently during the days of Lent. In the morning meditate on the four powers from which you seek to be delivered — sloth, faintheartedness, lust of power, and idle talk. At noon meditate on the four virtues you desire to experience in your life — chastity/wholeness, humility, patience and love. During each day determine to find a specific situation in which you can exercise one or more of both the negative and positive disciplines. Then in the evening when you pray the prayer again, review the events of the day and identify the way in which you have fulfilled one or another of these spiritual goals. To be most effective this prayer and the form it takes in your life should be coupled with fasting from food (ascetical fast) and the giving of alms (preferably to the poor).

Here is a quote from C. S. Lewis from Mere Christianity in his chapter on Sexual Morality which may be helpful:

“We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity—like perfect charity—will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God’s help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, of truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.”

Is this helpful to you and to those you know?

• Sin. Isaiah had an acute awareness of his sin. Christians often treat their sins lightly, while blasting others for their sin. When Isaiah met God, he cried out, “Woe to me! I am ruined!” (Isa 6:5) Some Christians say, “Yeah, I sinned. But that guy’s sin makes me sick!” No one senses their sin without seeing God. A revival begins with honest self-criticism and personal repentance, while “regular” Christians are often moralistic and judgmental.

• Sanctification. When Isaiah felt the pangs of death of his sins and guilt, he experienced God’s cleansing, forgiveness, newness of life (Isa 6:6-7) and times of refreshing (Acts 3:19). But one who treats their sins lightly experience dryness, deadness and defeat.

• Sent. Isaiah was ready to be sent by God to his people to share the message of God. But it didn’t go well for him. His message was resisted. His life was hard. The people’s response was progressive hardness of heart leading to God’s wrath and judgment upon his entire people.

• Salvation. However, God would preserve a remnant through Isaiah’s ministry. Though his people were cut down, “the holy seed will be the stump in the land” (Isa 6:13). A remnant of holy people would be preserved.

Colson experienced a revival when he met God newly. After becoming a committed Christian, Chuck Colson wrote: “By the end of the sixth lecture (of R.C. Sproul’s tapes on the holiness of God) I was on my knees, deep in prayer, in awe of God’s absolute holiness. It was a life-changing experience as I gained a completely new understanding of the holy God I believe in and worship. My spiritual drought ended, but this taste for the majesty of God only made me thirst for more of him.” (Loving God, pp. 14–15)

Job was a devout man of prayer, a man who feared God and shunned evil (Job 1:1). But after losing virtually everything–wealth, children, health–he met God newly and said, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes” (Job 42:5-6).

Is anything happening in me or my ministry? I cannot force/create a revival. No one can. But I can strive to intentionally and continually seek to see God in his holiness and pray. Do you experience a revival in yourself?

A Christian’s “wish dream” destroys Christian community

Confess Your Sins to Each Other

The Gospel Expects Sinners to Come Forth. God came to save sinners. No one can hide anything from God. “The mask you wear before men will do you no good before Him. He wants to see you as you are. He wants to be gracious to you. You do not have to go on lying to yourself and your brothers, as if you were without sin; you can dare to be a sinner.” All sham must end in the presence of Christ. The misery of the sinner and the mercy of God must be clearly manifested in community and fellowship with one another.

In Confession Break-Through to Community Takes Place. “Sin demands to have a man by himself. It withdraws him from the community. The more isolated a person is, the more destructive will be the power of sin over him, and the more deeply he becomes involved in it, the more disastrous is his isolation. Sin wants to remain unknown. In the darkness of the unexpressed it poisons the whole being of a person. This can happen even in the midst of a pious community. Sin must be brought into the light. The unexpressed must be openly spoken and acknowledged. All that is secret and hidden is made manifest. It is a hard struggle until the sin is openly admitted. The expressed acknowledged sin (loses) all its power. It can no longer tear the fellowship asunder. The sin concealed separated him from the fellowship, made all his apparent fellowship a sham; the sin confessed has helped him to find true fellowship with the brethren in Jesus Christ”

In Confession Break-Through to the Cross Occurs. “The root of all sin is pride. The mind and flesh of man are set on fire by pride. Confession in the presence of a brother is the profoundest kind of humiliation. It hurts, it cuts a man down, it is a dreadful blow to pride. To stand there before a brother as a sinner is an ignominy that is almost unbearable. In the confession of concrete sins the old man dies a painful, shameful death before the eyes of a brother. Because the humiliations is so hard we continually scheme to evade confessing to a brother. In the deep mental and physical pain of humiliation before a brother–which means, before God–we experience the Cross of Jesus as our rescue and salvation.”

In Confession Break-Through to New Life Occurs. “Where sin is hated, admitted, and forgiven, there the break with the past is made. Where there is a break with sin, there is conversion. Confession is conversion. Confession is discipleship. Life with Jesus and his community has begun. In confession the Christian begins to forsake his sins. Their dominion is broken. From now on the Christian wins victory after victory.” Prov 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

In Confession a Man Breaks Through to Certainty. Why is it often easier to confess our sins to God than to a brother who is sinful as we are? If we find this so, might we just be deceiving ourselves and confessing our sins to ourselves and absolving ourselves? Might this be why we relapse to our besetting sins so easily and disobey God so easily? “Self-forgiveness can never lead to a breach with sin.” How can we be certain that when we confess our sins our sins are forgiven? “God gives us this certainty through our brother. Our brother breaks the circle of self-deception. A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person. As long as I am by myself in the confession of my sins everything remains in the dark, but in the presence of a brother the sin has to be brought into the light. It is a mercy that we can confess our sins to a brother. As the open confession of my sins to a brother insures me against self-deception, so, too, the assurance of forgiveness becomes fully certain to me only when it is spoken by a brother in the name of God.”

Confession Should Deal with Concrete Sins. Otherwise, one might still remain in the dark if they simply make a general confession. “Jesus dealt with people whose sins were obvious. They knew why they needed forgiveness, and they received it as forgiveness of their specific sins.” To Luther, the Christian life was unthinkable without mutual, brotherly confession.

Confess To Whom? Only the brother under the cross. “The most experienced psychologist or observer of human nature knows infinitely less of the human heart than the simplest Christian who lives beneath the Cross of Jesus.” Why? Because “the greatest psychological insight, ability, and experience cannot grasp this one thing: what sin is. Worldly wisdom knows what distress and weakness and failure are, but it does not know the godlessness of men. It does not know that man is destroyed only by his sin and can be healed only by forgiveness. Only the Christian knows this. In the presence of a psychiatrist I can only be a sick man; in the presence of a Christian brother I can dare to be a sinner.”

The Danger of the One Who Hears Confession. “This will give rise to the disastrous misuse of the confessional for the exercise of spiritual domination of souls.” What can he do? To not succumb to this sinister danger “every person should refrain from listening to confession who does not himself practice it. Only the person who has so humbled himself can hear a brother’s confession without harm.”

The Danger of the Confessant. He must “guard against ever making a pious work of his confession. If he does so, it will become the final, most abominable, vicious, and impure prostitution of the heart; the act becomes an idle, lustful babbling. Confession as a pious work is an invention of the devil. It is only God’s offer of grace, help, and forgiveness that could make us dare to enter the abyss of confession. We can confess solely for the sake of the promise of absolution. Confession as a routine duty is spiritual death; confession in reliance upon the promise is life.”

Confession of sins could become a Christian show of piety. Has confession of sin become routine, habitual, expected, guilt-driven? Has “too pious” of a fellowship not encouraged true confession of sin? Does your Christian community confess concrete sins to each other, resulting in an authentic community?

When I heard Duncan’s sermon, I was surprised at what I had not realized about this narrative, about Elijah and about God. I did not realize Elijah’s failure at the close of his glorious ministry, Elijah’s idolatry, and God’s gracious dealing with him.

1. Elijah’s Fear is Unbelief (1 Ki 19:1-3)

In fear, Elijah ran for his life (1 Ki 19:1). I assumed this was “reasonable,” since he was exhausted, he experienced a let down, and he was threatened by a powerful godless queen (1 Ki 19:2). But he had just experienced the almighty supernatural power of God and killed 450 false prophets. Yet the very next day, he did not believe in the Almighty God he had just proclaimed, and ran for his life (1 Ki 19:3). As a result God asked him twice, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” (1 Ki 19:9,13) Clearly God was not pleased with Elijah. What caused Elijah’s unbelief?

2. Elijah’s Unbelief is Rooted in His Idolatry (1 Ki 19:10,14)

What? How could this be? I had never thought that Elijah, a truly great prophet of God, could ever succumb to idolatry. Elijah had boldly preached against his nation’s idolatry throughout his ministry. How could he have given in to the idolatry he preached against? Elijah had 1 single desire as God’s prophet: To see his nation worship God, not idols. When he experienced the spectacular destruction of Baal worship, he expected his nation to turn back to God. But they continued to reject God’s covenant, tear down God’s alters, and kill God’s prophets (1 Ki 19:10,14), and Queen Jezebel promised to kill him. His treasure was not in God, but in what he had hoped God would do. This is noble. It is also idolatry.

3. Elijah Refused to See God’s Glory (1 Ki 19:11-13)

I had not noticed this before. When God asked Elijah to to go out from the cave he was in and stand on the mountain (1 Ki 19:11), he did not do so even though there was a whirlwind, earthquake and fire. Only when God spoke in a gentle whisper, did Elijah go out, and then with a cloak over his face (1 Ki 19:13). He apparently was so discouraged and disappointed that he could not bear to behold God’s glory.

4. God Retired Elijah, yet God was Gracious

I also had not realized the depth of God’s grace and goodness toward Elijah when I read and studied this passage in the past. Elijah’s disappointment exposed his idolatry of expecting a great spiritual revival through his ministry. But God wanted to give Elijah something better: Himself. Elijah fled and wished that he would die. God then shelved him. The only ministry left for him for the rest of his life was to prepare the way for his successor Elisha to do the job (1 Ki 19:15-16). Elijah’s ministry was essentially over. It didn’t end well for him. Elijah has all but had his day. God retired Elijah, as God had refused Moses entry into the promised land after 40 years of hard service when he was at the very edge of the promised land. God dealt with his chosen servants relentlessly and “harshly,” not to hurt them, but to give them the very best gift of Himself (Gen 15:1).

Despite Elijah’s failure and his refusal to see God’s glory on the mountain, God took him up to heaven in a chariot of fire (2 Ki 2:11). It gets better. Centuries later, God sent Elijah up a mountain again. What did God want Elijah to see? The glorious transfigured image of Jesus (Lk 9:29-30). God wanted Elijah to behold “the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ” (2 Cor 4:6). Does it all make sense now? What is the lesson for us?

It is a costly and brutal lesson. God ruthlessly and emphatically pursued Elijah’s fundamental idolatry and ripped it from his heart and crushed it. God was essentially saying, “I’m enough for you, Elijah. I’m the only treasure worth having and I’m the only treasure that can’t be taken away from you.”

My personal testimony is this: I need Jesus only, not Jesus plus a glorious fruitful discipleship ministry, which can so easily become an idolatry to me. Yet, despite all my sins and idolatry, God is gracious to relentlessly pursue me, in spite of me. This is the gospel of God’s grace. Perhaps, I’ve stirred your curiosity enough to listen to this glorious sermon.

Have you thought of 1 Kings 19:1-18 in this way before? Do you agree? Is not idolatry at the very root of our sin (Ex 20:3-4), even for the very best of God’s prophets?

I lost $1,000,000! Over 6 months in 2004, I gave 1.1 million USD in cash to a conman, believing he would invest the money, and give me 20+% interest rates yearly for the rest of my life. It is beyond reason and rationality. Also, I was the only victim! I was stupid beyond belief! Give cash…at a gas station…with no paper trail! Seriously?? That’s my “worst” sin.

Why did I do it? Greed? Pride? Self-sufficiency? Yes. But basically, I wanted to retire ASAP! I wanted to be a benevolent UBF man who can financially support poorer UBF people through out the world. But really, folks! Mainly I just wanted to retire, because I was just plain sick and tired of working as a doctor! (Now I am still working and will likely have to work for many more years! God is funny, isn’t He?)

Did I have that much cash to give? No. But being a doctor, I was able to borrow hundreds of thousands of dollars from 2 banks. I also borrowed significant cash from friends, and used up all the cash and savings we had.

Did you have to file for bankruptcy? I thought I would have to. But I worked 10 hours a day, 6 days a week for 2 years in order to pay off all my debts. My mom gave me $100,000, that helped me out tremendously. I have since paid her back.

What happened to the guy that conned you? I reported him to the FBI. They arrested him in 2006. He is now serving an 8 year sentence.

Did you get your money back? Some of it. When the FBI arrested him, they found some of the cash in the trunk of his car! This is nothing but God’s mercy, for I had resolved never to get anything back.

How did this sin affect you? It devastated and embarrassed my wife and 4 kids. To this day, I grieve because I brought upon them such shame and pain. I had totally dishonored my God, my wife, my children, my church and myself.

What did you learn from this sin? Many things. But amazingly, at this lowest point of my life, Jeremiah 31:3 came to me: “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” I was truly stunned that when I could not even bear myself, God’s love for me did not change one iota! Knowing God’s unchanging love for me was literally the ONLY thing that kept me going.

Does your wife blame you? She should. I would not blame her if she did. But she never did. What can I say! It is a grace that is second only to the grace of Jesus.

What did you do during this time? I continued being a shepherd and Bible teacher, as though nothing was happening! I acted like a good Christian.

Now what? I live with the fear of God. Just recounting this story still gives me chills and shivers! But it is not a fear that drives me away from God, but a fear and trembling that draws me to cling to Jesus (Phil 2:12-13). Also, I live with the boldness, confidence and fearlessness, that even though my sins are too great, God’s grace is greater still.

That’s it? I have lots more sins and blind spots. I need the prayers and help of friends to help me see them. Confessing sin is surely what God expects from sinners. This quote might help:

Well may the accuser roar of sins that I have done;

I know them all and thousands more and Jehovah knoweth none.

Do you have sins you want to confess?

Greatness and Shame. Joe Paterno (1926-2012) died yesterday. No one can take away his greatness as a head football coach of Penn State for 46 years. No one is likely to ever surpass what he achieved at one university. Yet, 2 months before he died, he was “dishonorably” fired, because of an ongoing sex scandal involving one of his assistant coaches who is presently being investigated for sexually abusing at least 8 boys over 15 years. As a result, Paterno’s name will be forever associated not just with “great coach,” but also with “being fired” and “sex scandal.” As a result, though Paterno died of lung cancer, some say that he died of a broken heart. In Paterno’s own words, he acknowledged that with hindsight he did not do enough.

God’s Heart and Adultery. This reminds me of King David, a man after God’s own heart (1 Sam 13:14; Acts 13:22). But who ever recounts the story of David without associating him with the steamy adultery after watching a naked Bathsheba bathing? Then he covered up his sin by having her husband Uriah killed “in the line of duty.” Don’t we good Christians all cover up our sins?

Be Like David. Really? I’ve found that we Christians might study the Bible regarding David by saying, “Be like David, a man after God’s own heart,” and then justify it by saying that David humbly repented of his sin, which of course he did. Or we might teach, “Be like David (in 2 Samuel), but not like Saul (in 1 Samuel).” Others might look at David with skepticism and cynicism and say, “How can David be regarded as a man after God’s own heart, when he committed both adultery and murder? Even I don’t do that!”

Should One Mistake Define One’s Life and Legacy? Yes. God is truth, and God created us to live in the truth. Peterno’s name will always be associated with greatness and with shame. So, will David. For that matter, so will every memorable character in the Bible: Abraham (liar), Isaac (favoritism), Jacob (deceiver), Joseph (arrogant dreamer), Moses (murderer), Peter (coward), James and John (political hegemony), Paul (murderer). Historically, John Calvin will always be associated with being one of the greatest theologians and Bible teachers in history. But his detractors will always point out that he approved of the execution/beheading of Michael Sevetus for denying the Trinity. Jonathan Edwards is America’s greatest Christian. But he kept slaves. The list of the sins of Christians, even great ones, is endless.

Sin is Serious. Paterno’s legacy teaches us that sin is serious. He did not sin like his assistant coach who sexually abused many young boys. But he sinned by not doing more. He sinned by not really thinking of the boys who were being sexually abused and scarred for life irreparably. Because of Paterno’s sin, the alleged sexual abuses by his assistant coach continued for many more years unreported. It is inexcusable. To many, his firing was justified. Sin, no matter how “minor” or “venial” is always serious.

God is Gracious. We ALL sin (Rom 3:10-12,23). We might minimize our sin, even subconsciously, since we all sin. If I get upset with someone in my heart, while controlling myself outwardly, I may not think that it is that big of a deal. But Jesus regards that as being equivalent to murder (Matt 5:21-22). What hope do we have? Only by the grace of Jesus alone, God does not count our sins against us (Ps 32:2; Rom 4:8). God sent his Son who had no sin to die as a Substitute in our place, for our sins (2 Cor 5:21). This is man’s only hope.

No One Really Forgets Your Sin Except… No one ever truly or completely forgets someone else’s sins against them. No one will forget Paterno as one who did not do enough. No one will forget that David enjoyed Bathsheba sexually. No one forgets what President Clinton did in the White House. If you had sinned against someone, that person is not likely to ever forget it. If someone had sinned against you, you are not likely to forget it. Only God, because of Christ, remembers our sins no more (Jer 31:34; Heb 8:12; 10:17)! Thank God for His grace.

What could Joe Peterno have done differently? How do we deal with our own sins? The sins of others?

As Brian said, this was breaking and entering. It was a sad and unfortunate event. When I read the personal account of James Kim online, I felt heart broken and stunned, because of the rude, cruel, and ungracious way that he and his wife were treated. On a personal note, they had both taught the Bible to and loved my fiesty wife Christy for 3-4 years until she moved to Chicago to marry me in 1981. Furthermore, James Kim had given all of his youth not to pursuing his own ambition, but to sacrificially serving college students in UBF for 2 decades, both in Korea and in the U.S. Perhaps because of this event, apparently out of nowhere I suddenly remembered a somewhat similar event that happened about 25 years ago in Chicago UBF involving myself and a senior missionary. It is far less serious and dramatic. This is what happened.

In the mid-1980s Chicago UBF bought what has since been known as the UIC Bible House. After we bought it, a missionary couple was living on the 2nd floor as the steward of the Bible house, similar to David and Kristen Weed today. One day, my shepherd Dr. Samuel Lee told me to move into the Bible house, and to go and tell the missionary couple to move out. I was shocked at his directive. But I thought I was being tested. I also thought that perhaps I might be “more worthy” of living in the Bible house, because I had “more sheep and more growing disciples” than he did. (It is painful to confess my shameful way of thinking.) So I obeyed. I went and knocked on his door. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I told him that he and his wife had to move out right away, because Dr. Lee told me and my wife to move in. I can never forget the look of shock and surprise on his face. But he and his wife quietly and obediently moved out almost immediately without a single question or objection or complaint or display of anger. Then my wife and I moved in.

When I recalled this event, I immediately called up this missionary and met with him on Fri July 22, and I apologized to him personally for what I did a quarter of a century ago. He was very gracious. We laughed as we talked. We expressed how Dr. Lee would “do such things,” and that no one dared to question him. We acknowledged that Dr. Lee loved God and students, yet he too was a sinner who needed the grace of Jesus. But we both also acknowledged that such unchecked authoritarian practices and unilateral decisions should not be emulated. Especially, we both agreed that Dr. Lee’s authoritarian style of leadership is not healthy for UBF and that our past sins of doing so should be acknowledged, addressed and repented of. After our half an hour conversation, we prayed and thanked God for his mercy and grace to us in spite of all our sins.

Without question, Dr. Lee served God’s purpose in his own generation (Acts 13:36). God used him for 40 years as God’s instrument to make disciples in UBF of all nations (Matt 28:19) from 1961 to 2002. His life tremendously influenced countless leaders in UBF through out the world, including me, to love Jesus and to serve God. But some of his methods of leadership and discipleship, which were influenced by his times and culture, were abusive and exploitative. I fear that such a precedent might have been inadvertently set, since “Dr. Lee did it.” Clearly, what I did was wrong, regardless of what he told me to do, and I take full responsibility for it. In the past it was simply overlooked and unquestioned, and it may even have been regarded as being commendable and praiseworthy of “obedience.” Today, it would not be condoned.

I decided to post my confession, hoping that others who experienced or did similar things, might begin to say so openly, as our repentance and prayer that such unhealthy authoritarian practices and unilateral decisions by leaders may no longer be practiced in our church. Instead, we may prayerfully and humbly be continually transparent and accountable to each other in the Lord.

It was a normal day in the winter of 1990. My friend and roommate rushed into the house and said “We have to move everything out of James and Rebekah Kim’s house. They need our help to move to Houston.” My friends and I immediately mobilized for action. I walked out of our house on Montebello Street, over to the Kim’s house on Kensington, which was only 2 houses away. But there was a problem. No one had a key to the house. One of my friends ran behind the house, another one ran up to the front door. Crash! I heard glass breaking in the back of the house. Crash! I hear glass breaking again, in the front. I started to go back to the house, but then someone called out, saying that the truck was here. Within a matter of minutes, the Kim’s belongings started to be packed into boxes. I walked into the Kim’s house. I picked up a box and loaded it onto the truck. Then I fled.

I knew something was wrong that day. I broke the “breaking and entering” law of Ohio. I ignored the fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Most of all, I broke God’s law. God’s command is to “love one another.” I was not showing love toward James and Rebekah.

For many years, I accepted the advice of those who said, “Just forget this matter,” or “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Some said, “Just repent before God and don’t mention it.” I thought: We were just helping a family out… How gracious we were! And besides, what did it really matter? We didn’t do anything wrong. “By faith” we moved the Kim’s!

Today I am writing to tell you God’s revelation to me. In 2009, I happened to read both James and Rebekah Kim’s accounts of this event. My heart broke when I read their accounts of how hurt they were and about their experience of returning to Toledo to find their house empty. Until I read those letters, I had been a staunch defender of the UBF ministry. I published my testimonies and thoughts on my website, priestlynation.com. But in 2009, I started removing the UBF defense material. I could no longer defend such actions. What is more, I have been seeing the same principles at work in 2011. I decided I must confess my sin in this matter publicly in order to prevent these things from happening again.

Dear God, I have sinned against you and against James and Rebekah Kim. I helped cause indescribable grief to an already grieving family. Instead of covering up this sin, I repent. Instead of spinning these events as an “act of faith,” I repent. I will make every effort to no longer spin the facts of a situation to give the perception of faith. Let my faith, my actions and my thoughts be genuine. Let me truly love my friends with the love of Christ. Amen.