What Guy taught us is that we should not be afraid of seeing our work be used in ways we never intended. He said you should be so lucky if someone buys your product and uses it for all the unintended reasons. His example is of course the Mac. He and Jobs and the Mac team intended the Mac to be a spreadsheet processor. But nobody used it for that. Instead, they used it for desktop publishing and artwork. He mentioned that a business might be tempted to get upset because they lost control over their product. Instead, Guy urges us to accept such things and embrace the success. Like Jobs, Guy says “Go dent the universe!” He teaches us to let the flowers blossom where they blossom, and let your creations grow and take on their own life. In the Christian sense, the message is this: You are not in control of your ministry, the Holy Spirit is.

How the purpose of ubfriends changed

Guy’s advice helps me embrace what ubfriends has become, instead of trying to control it. When I helped start ubfriends with Joe and a couple others, we were both pro-UBF and had a very specific idea about what we wanted to accomplish. We thought UBF could be reformed. For example consider this quote from our About page:

This website is not intended to promote or denigrate UBF or any organization. Our purpose is to serve people by giving them an independent forum to learn, to think, and to express themselves in a healthy and friendly manner. We hope that this website will foster multi-way conversations among friends, open new channels of communication and friendships among people of different ages and backgrounds, overcoming prejudice and stereotypes, help members of UBF develop stronger connections to the broader Christian community, and help us to see multiple sides of difficult issues and truly learn from one another, even when we do not agree.

We had hoped to discuss Christian theology and bring real change and reform to the UBF group.

That all changed because what has been revealed is that the foundations of the group are in shambles. Like an old house that cannot be repaired and must be torn down, we uncovered the failed theology called UBFism that cannot be repaired. UBFism is hindering all of us from seeing the all-surpassing gospel Jesus preached.

Over time, many different kinds of flowers blossomed here on this website.

Why must UBF be redeemed and not reformed?

Many hundreds of people over many decades from many cultures, including Korea, have attempted to reform UBF. It has not worked. The business model is fundamentally flawed, as Joe pointed out recently. Furthermore, UBFism is a theology that needs to be deconstructed and exposed as harmful.

This week I have extra time to ponder all these things. It has been an eye-opening week too, as I have had more people reach out to me and share confirmations of abuses. Some UBF leaders should be in jail for not reporting such abuse. This denial of abuse is the main reason I say UBF cannot just be changed or reformed, but must be stopped so that redemption can begin.

Here are the topics numerous people were talking about on social media this week:

– An older Korean missionary has routinely slept with his daughter.
– An American shepherd regularly molested children at CBF.
– A student regularly molested children and then was appointed to lead children’s singing.
– An American shepherd was made to live in a one room apartment with only a small window in order to kill off his worldly desires.
– An American shepherd was sick and kept at home with an IV instead of going to the emergency room.
– A Korean missionary died at a UBF center and they prayed instead of calling 911.
– Some 2nd gens are locked in their rooms after they partied too much and got drunk.

When will it stop? Will you speak up? 

Here are some examples of what I am trying to say, from our previous articles. In order to see many flowers grow and blossom, UBFism must be stopped and deconstructed:

Here is my bluntly worded article:
http://www.ubfriends.org/2013/05/08/it-must-come-to-an-end/

Here is Joe’s nicely worded article with John Amstrong’s input:
http://www.ubfriends.org/2013/05/09/john-armstrong-on-knowing-when-to-stop/

Here is Ben’s good article, in Ben Toh’s ubf-friendly style:
http://www.ubfriends.org/2013/11/09/why-churches-stop-growing/

So people can pick which “tone” they like, but in regard to this topic Ben, Joe and I are on the same page, even though we arrive from different viewpoints.

Over a year ago, I wrote a provocative article here on ubfriends, entitled Shepherd Brian is Dead. It is an unfortunate reality that in order to have any kind of conversation with UBF members, I need to use such rhetoric. Dropping the C-bomb (as Joe likes to call it) is the only way I have found that leads to some honest, real answers about the UBF ministry. In my article last year, I wrote this:

“Why do I claim University Bible Fellowship is a cult? The answer is because ubf shepherds and missionaries are identity snatchers. They spiritually abused me and thousands others by stealing our identity and persuading us to adopt their identity. That identity was called “Shepherd Brian”. But that is not who I am. That was never who I was. That is not my authentic self.”

That comment about identity snatching stuck with me. It has now lead to my new book.

Giving credit

I am eternally thankful for the input from numerous current and former UBF members, especially Ben, Joe, Zoe, Charles, David, Maria and Chris (well ok not eternally… just thankful!). They were a good sounding board and helped shape this book well beyond my original ideas. Without their input, this would have been a really dark, scary book! But because of their criticism and honest feedback, the book is much brighter and hopeful.

The stories in my book are not only about deconstructing UBFism, but also about redemption. The stories are another major step in my own journey of recovering my identity.

Feedback

Dr. Steve Hassan and Dr. Ronald Enroth both appreciated my book, but are busy until later this year. I hope to add their endorsements later on. Here is some of the feedback I did receive on this project so far:

“This book is part of a critical examination of University Bible Fellowship. It gives insight into the structures and methods of this controversial group that’s work is focused on students.”
—Dr. Reinhard Hempelmann, Director of the Protestant Centre of Religious and Ideological Issues, Berlin Germany

“I am really glad to know of your book project! It is greatly needed. I don’t know of any books that cover University Bible Fellowship in depth.”
–Larry Pile, Counselor at Wellspring Retreat and Counseling Center, Athens Ohio, USA

“How can we support you? I want this book to be written.”
–Former member

“Amen. This book is needed. I pray God uses it to bring liberation to those still trapped in UBF and healing to families and the body of Christ.”
–Former member

“I think the book is so important to show that processing UBF is not about criticizing them mainly but about becoming happy, healthy, and whole again.”
–Former member

“Wow, awesome so far! I am going to share this book with everyone.”
–Former member

Links to my new book

As always, my books are free on Kindle with Amazon Prime and have the Amazon lending feature enabled, as well as the Amazon MatchBook enabled. I also tend to give free paperback copies to anyone willing to help promote the book via blog reviews. Content on the free online companion will be added in the coming months.

Identity Snatchers – Paperback Edition

Identity Snatchers – Kindle Edition

Free online companion – restunleashed.org

Life is scripted!

We all know how much time is spent week after week writing testimonies, rebuking sheep and answering those question sheets.

Save tons of time!

Are you looking to save loads of time each week? Well look no further. The ubferator will save shepherds so much time!

Need a testimony in a jiffy?

Just enter a few keywords and presto! You have a life testimony!

Need a rebuke?

Try out the one and only rebukerator!

No time to answer that question sheet?

No problem! Just enter your passage and wa-la!

Disclaimer:
The ubfeator links above may earn you severe dead dog training. Use at your own risk. The ubferator has also been known to cause intense abdominal pain from laughing too hard. Please use with caution. If you experience laughter lasting more than four hours, please call your doctor.

First, to celebrate the new semester, all three of my books that detail my journey of recovery from UBFism are FREE on Kindle this week, from 9/1 to 9/5.

Rest Unleashed: The Raven Narratives – FREE
Goodness Found: The Butterfly Narratives – FREE
Unexpected Christianity: The Penguin Narratives – FREE

Second, my new book, Identity Snatchers, is being published this weekend! I want to express my gratitude for numerous former and current members who helped shape this book. The book is my attempt to deconstruct UBFism and to redeem my personal identity.

Third, here is an incredibly accurate song that I like to listen to when school starts. This song says what I want to say to all ubf shepherds as the new semester begins:

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost
With no direction oh
But you’ll never see

You’re so busy makin’ maps
With my name on them in all caps
You’ve got the talkin’ down
Just not the listening

All my life
I’ve tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin’ for someone to tell me it’s my turn
To decide.

Who made you king of anything?

Brian keeps UBF honest. Forests reviewed Brian’s first book and says, “I encourage everyone to buy and read Brian’s book. It contains much more than I have mentioned. I recently spoke to a UBF missionary from Chicago who said that Brian is good for UBF because he ‘keeps us honest.’” (Book Review: Rest Unleashed.)

Be loving: It is godly and loving to read and hear Brian’s story. Brian’s story is really a part of UBF’s big story. Brian devoted 24 years of the prime of his life to UBF until he decided to leave in 2011. He was fully committed and fully invested in UBF from 1987 to 2011. Literally, he “gave his life for UBF” without hesitation or reservation from his teenage years, perhaps even more than some missionaries did. Without question, he is a man of heart, a man of loyalty, a man of commitment, a man of integrity, and a man of passion and energy, which likely all UBF leaders encourage UBFers to be. In my opinion, to stop listening to Brian just because he left UBF reflects rather poorly and badly on UBF. It suggests and implies that UBF only loves those in UBF but not those who left UBF. Clearly, God does not love only those in UBF. Surely, God also loves those who have left UBF. So, should we not be loving by listening to people like Brian? You cannot love someone if you refuse to listen to what they have to say and share. Brian has a lot to share and say in his life story, and like it or not UBF will always be a significant part of his life story.

Be humble: It is a sign of godly humility to listen to detractors and painful critique. It is likely also the best way to change and improve. If we only listen to those who flatter us and tell us how wonderful and good we are, we will not likely improve or make much progress as a human being, nor as a church. Countless books and lectures and sermons on leadership have been written about how bad organizations or churches only surround themselves with like-minded people or so-called “Yes men,” because they do not challenge them to change or to get out of the proverbial box. Thus, genuinely listening to those who tell us how terrible or just how suboptimal or cult-like we are is very good for the soul…and for the church. It is a sign of humility, perhaps the most valued and desired attribute mentioned repeatedly throughout the Bible (Num 12:3; Zeph 2:3; 3:12; Mt 5:3; 1 Pet 5:6). Humility (by listening to honest critiques) helps us to truly change from the inside out to be more and more like humble Jesus.

Be inclusive and broad-minded like God who accepts all kinds of people. Every church tends to accept a particular type of person. After over three decades in UBF since 1980, my observation and opinion is that UBF has mainly attracted those who would listen to leaders without disagreeing, questioning or challenging them. Brian was once a person who would never question anything coming from a UBF leader (including breaking and entering the home of James and Rebekah Kim in 1990). That was likely why he was fully embraced and accepted in UBF and even “allowed” to be a UBF chapter director in Detroit. But the moment he began to question certain unhealthy UBF practices, he has been labeled as being Satan and the devil and someone to be avoided and not listened to. This is truly very sad and unfortunate and narrow-minded. If UBF learns to embrace anyone who dares to openly and publicly critique us for wrongdoing, we will become more of an inclusive and broad-minded church. In other words, by listening and accepting people like Brian, we will become more and more like Jesus and less and less like exclusive elitist Christians.

Be biblical by not shutting others out. I’ve likely heard all the reasons to not listen to Brian’s story or to not read Brian’s books. But all the reasons are primarily to justify shutting Brian out of our UBF consciousness and conversation, which is not possible, if not foolish and unbiblical. I welcome people like Brian, because he is my friend and my brother in Christ. We also share a common history in UBF for several decades. Just because he left UBF or critiques UBF (and disagrees with me regarding certain things) makes no difference.

In my opinion, it is loving, humble, inclusive, broad-minded, godly and biblical to listen to Brian’s story.

Is there any reason to not listen to Brian? Should UBF read Brian’s books and listen to Brian’s 24 year story and journey in UBF?

Rest Unleashed: The Raven Narratives

“I then embarked on an amazing journey of recovery from the controlling, guilt-ridden, shame-soaked life we had lived in UBF. I was done with the holy soldier façade. This journey was not so different from the journey of Pi in the movie “Life of Pi” or Truman in the movie “The Truman Show” or the blind girl in the M. Night Shyamalan movie “The Village”. In fact I began watching many movies, especially children’s movies, because I found so many connections with the characters in the movies, such as Tangled. I felt I was Repunzel being set free from her castle tower! Finally I was at peace.

It would take a whole other narrative to tell this journey. So I will just point out some highlights. The journey actually began when I watched Mel Gibson’s movie “The Passion” in 2010. Through this, the gospel of Jesus was re-ignited in my soul. I realized that I had believed and preached an upside down, flawed gospel in UBF. I officially resigned from UBF in protest on July 4th, 2011. I chose that day specifically. It was my independence day. I began blogging profusely about my journey, on priestlynation.com, declaring my freedom from UBF and exposing the problems I saw. I tried not to fall into the trap of treating UBF people poorly, but at times I just needed to vent. I had kept silent so many times, and so my critical voice exploded on my blogs.” pg. 83

Goodness Found: The Butterfly Narratives

“Recalling the multitude of UBF entanglements (and there are many hundreds more) has been a difficult task because I just want to forget it all. It is embarrassing to realize how much I put up with. But it is also good and liberating to realize how free I am now! No longer do I need to put up with any UBF entanglements or authority.

So what was good about all those years in UBF? My wife and I had to first come to terms with our arranged marriage. Was this good? Is our marriage valid? We both agreed—yes our marriage is before God and is good and valid. The goodness I see in my 24 years of UBFism is that I weaved a cocoon around my life. And that cocoon became the housing for my transformational new life. But what was this cocoon exactly?

As I wrote this chapter I discovered something unexpected. Why did I stay 24 years at UBF if the spiritual abuse was rampant? The best answer may be that I was seeking glory and fame. The cocoon I wove around myself (with the help of UBF shepherds weaving it for me at times) could be called a cocoon of self-glorification. I wanted to be famous. I wanted attention. I wanted to be noticed. I believed the promises that convinced me to join UBF in the first place: your name will be great! You will be a world-class leader! My vision is large and my appetite for self-glory is huge. Yes there was no perceived way out of UBF, but as my grandmother pointed out, I did not want a way out. I wanted glory.

Ironically, I would eventually meet the fate of all self-glory seekers: infamy. I am now the infamous detractor and vocal critic of UBF ministry. Realizing all these things has brought much goodness and peace to my mind. At least I am starting to understand what happened.” pg 73

Unexpected Christianity: The Penguin Narratives

“I return now to that coffee shop meeting in Ann Arbor, with my friend from Toledo UBF. He was one of the leaders there. I hadn’t seen him or other members of Toledo UBF for many years, since we had moved from Toledo to Detroit. My friend was normally the one who would lighten up any situation with his dry sense of humor or intriguing perspectives. But now, the frustration on my friend’s face was real. How could this be? What would cause my Christian friend to be so exasperated? The truth was that I felt just as exasperated. I was still struggling with the growing disconnect between my supposed biblical worldview and the reality happening around me. I was still pondering that Christmas letter from Sarah, wondering how I could display integrity. My friend and I shared our various struggles. We both were wavering about whether we would attend the upcoming UBF conference. My friend’s wife had already declared she would not attend, due to the issues she saw in the ministry.

This decision was problematic. No one in the UBF ministry decided not to attend a UBF conference. Attendance was not explicitly mandatory, but always the expectation was “You want to please Jesus, don’t you?” As if the guilt wasn’t motivation enough to enforce attendance, the consequences of deciding not to attend a conference were painfully inconvenient: you would be labeled as rebellious; you might be removed from some of your duties; you might be given more duties as training to obey; and you likely would be mentioned in the next Sunday message as an example of losing faith. I had seen it many times. The UBF community would turn against its own; shaming and shunning the one perceived to be weak in faith for not participating actively in the UBF mission. My friend now wondered what would happen to his family if he attended the conference and his wife did not. Our UBF worldview was cracking. In the end, we both decided the best course of action would be that we would attend the 2011 Easter conference, hosted by Toledo UBF, and face the consequences.

I went to this conference with a mission of my own. I wanted to find out why several friends at Toledo UBF, like my friend at the Ann Arbor coffee shop, had been reaching out to me and sharing their struggles with me. I began to wonder, is there no Christian pastor in Toledo UBF? Is there no one there who could be trusted to speak openly with? So I went to this UBF conference with my family. And I decided test the waters, to ask questions and find out what was going on.” pg. 18

Book 1 – Rest Unleashed: The Raven Narratives

In my first book, I was inspired by a simple word Jesus spoke. “Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!” Luke 12:24 ESV. I found that ravens are fascinating birds. They are scavengers though, and have typically been depicted as symbols of evil in many books. Jesus said to consider the ravens, so I did.

In this book I shared my exploration of midrash, telling the story of Jacob and Esau from what I think might have been Esau’s perspective. I shared what I was learning about the gospel of Jesus, based on numerous books and my new bible study classes I was taking. In the final chapter, I shared a long version of my life story, from my perspective and without spinning tales of glory. This whole process was a baseline to reset my personal life narrative. The book is dedicated to my late father who died of ALS in 1989. And as with all three books, I asked for artwork from my parents (and later from my daughter).

Book 2 – Goodness Found: The Butterfly Narratives

In my second book, I shared all the things I wanted to put in my first book, but didn’t have the thoughts or the courage. I explore three burning questions: Why did I join UBF? Why did I stay at UBF over two decades? And why did I leave UBF? I found that my search for goodness, my father’s death, and my own self-absorbed thinking contributed to all three questions.

This book was frustrating to write, and ends rather abruptly. I was not happy with this book at the time because it stirred up so many emotions. As I analyzed the UBF theology called KOPHAN, “kingdom of priests and holy nation” I became more and more furious at having been duped out of believing the Christian gospel that Jesus preached. Still I was able to document, for the first time as far as I am aware, the main components of KOPAHN. I explain in detail and with personal experience the recruiting principles of UBF missionaries (such as low commitment/high reward promises), the six-stage training system, the three layers of burden placed on new recruits, the four elements of control woven throughout the UBF culture, and the twelve heritage slogans that all UBF people will instantly recognize. All this is the UBF-style shepherding theology called KOPAHN. All this stroked my own narcissistic desires for fame and glory. After writing all this, I found that the process, though messy, was very good for my soul.

Book 3 – Unexpected Christianity: The Penguin Narratives

In my third book, I attempt to connect with Christianity. I do so by weaving in the story of my family’s move to Detroit from Toledo, stories from 2003 to 2012. I tell what happened when we were sent out by Toledo UBF, how people in Toledo UBF would share various struggles with me, and in painful detail, I share what happened as my family slipped away from UBF in “blaze of glory” fashion. One of the sparks for our departure that I describe is ironically Sarah Barry’s 2011 new year’s card, where she prayed for all UBF missionaries to be men and women of integrity. My third book tells my journey to be just that—a man of integrity.

I am most pleased with my third book. I get a lot off my chest in this book. And it was the most painful to write. But it shows in vivid detail how I was able to find faith, hope and love again—the faith, hope and love that Christianity is supposed to be all about. I dedicated this book to myself, because Jesus said to love your enemy.

Who am I?

These three books tell the story of my search for who I am. If you want to know me, or understand why I did what I did, please read my books. If there is any “one way” forward for UBF ministry, I suggest for your consideration that the one way begins with reading my books. You might just find Jesus all over again. Thanks for listening. My story is complete. My journey now takes an entirely new turn. And I am happy.

Book #1 – Rest Unleashed: The Raven Narratives

I blogged major sections of this book here on ubfriends.

Rest Unleashed excerpts on our ubfriends blog

Book #2 – Goodness Found: The Butterfly Narratives

I blogged major sections of this second book on my personal theology blog:

Goodness Found excerpts on my Lambhearted lion blog

Tell us your story?

If you are looking for a healthy way to comprehend and recover from a controlling ministry or other traumatic experience, please consider contacting us and submitting an article to tell us your story. Until the lions tell their stories, history belongs to the hunters (African proverb)

Breaking the yoke of undue religious influence

Undue influence. What does that mean? Why does it become a yoke that is harmful to the human soul? How can someone break free from such a yoke? Such questions deserve much deeper thought, and will become the subject of my future books. In today’s narrative, I aim only to introduce the concept and then tell part of my life story.

Undue influence is influence by which a person is induced to act otherwise than by their own free will or without adequate attention to the consequences. The word “undue” is important in this definition. When some force is undue, that force is unwarranted or inappropriate because it is excessive or disproportionate to the object of that force. Sometimes that force is actually a weak force, like the tether on an adult elephant that had existed since the elephant was young. The power of undue religious influence may not be in its coercion but in its perception. Such influence may be carried out not by actual force, but by perceived force or imagined consequences.

Some undue influence might be easily identifiable because the influence is so over-the-top that no person would accept such influence under normal circumstances. An example of obvious undue influence would be a kidnapping of someone and taking them to a concentration camp. We can rather universally recognize this kind of undue influence as being harmful and wrong. Most undue influence in the religious realm however is more difficult to identify. The influence that one person can handle safely may in fact be undue influence on a different person who cannot handle that kind of influence at that time. Such confusion and subtlety often allows the perpetrators of undue influence to justify their abusive tactics because they can point to some examples of successful transformation due to their influence. In some cases, the influence falls into the blind spot of the perpetrators, so that they don’t even realize they are causing undue influence on someone.

My Unholy Devotion To Religion

After my father’s death, I threw myself into the UBF lifestyle. I adopted Ed and the Korean man as my spiritual fathers. The UBF community became my family. The leaders became my spiritual parents. This meant that I would submit my entire life to being trained by my UBF shepherds. That is the UBF way—every member must have a shepherd. The shepherds are self-appointed and choose the sheep they want. A chance meeting on campus meant that it was God’s divine will that you become the sheep of that person. This shepherd sheep relationship was meant to be lifelong, and would even persist into heaven we thought. So I would be eternally submissive to my UBF shepherd out of a desire to be a preacher for God. This provided me with the safety and security and protection I was looking for. I used the UBF community to replace what I lost in my father and to escape the dark reality of life around me. I hid myself in the UBF ideologies, escaping every minute I could to read the bible and avoid the real world. And so my desire to be a preacher for God was born.
Soon I wrote and shared my UBF life testimony, boldly declaring praise to God for my father who had found salvation in Jesus. And around this time I discovered the deep faith of my grandparents, especially my grandmother. She loved my life testimony. She made several paper copies and mailed them the friends and family all over the country. She also made copies of the video of my sharing and played it for all her friends at church. She told me I should be a preacher someday.

My grandparents became a foundation of Christian faith for me. I have always been encouraged by their faithful, devoted and explicit belief in Jesus and their unconditional love for people. They had opinions about politics, religions and the like, but for them, goodness reigned supreme. My grandma was therefore very concerned about UBF right from the start. She always told me that bible study is good, but too much bible study is like too much salt when you cook. God’s messages are about love. We can’t forget God’s love and we can never forget our family. Looking back I wonder how she and the rest of my family endured my 24 years of UBF life. But their goodness and their love was the buoy that always righted my ship.

New Friends, Bold Decisions, Restored Relationships

The big event of our lives happened in 2011. To make a long story short: We left UBF. This means nothing to most people. Leaving a church? Not a big deal. But leaving UBF is different. It equates to losing your salvation because UBF requires each person to be loyally submitted to a UBF shepherd, usually a Korean. But finally I had enough. I began to fear the bitterness, depression and anger in my soul more than any retribution from God or from UBF shepherds. So I resigned.

We sent shockwaves throughout the 6,000 member organization worldwide. I had not intended to leave UBF. I actually just wanted to find out some answers the problems a dozen or so of my friends in UBF had been confiding in me since moving to Detroit. But I finally had enough of pretending to be a holy soldier. So I sent a report into my shepherd telling him my honest feelings. That didn’t go over so well. Within two hours of receiving my report via email, he called me. I could tell he was angry. He told me any problems in UBF were none of my business. He further said that any spiritual deadness I had been observing was because I was the one who was spiritually dead. As soon as I hung up the phone, I experienced the Holy Spirit come alive in me like never before. I suddenly knew God had a purpose for me: expose the problematic dark side of UBF. I saw clearly that UBF suffered from the same authority-based problems that the Shepherding Movement did in the 1970’s in America. In an instant my mind was released from the bondage of guilt and all the abuses in UBF I had ignored or dismissed came to mind.

I then embarked on an amazing journey of recovery from the controlling, guilt-ridden, shame-soaked life we had lived in UBF. I was done with the holy soldier façade. This journey was not so different from the journey of Pi in the movie “Life of Pi” or Truman in the movie “The Truman Show” or the blind girl in the M. Night Shyamalan movie “The Village”. In fact I began watching many movies, especially children’s movies, because I found so many connections with the characters in the movies, such as Tangled. I felt I was Repunzel being set free from her castle tower! Finally I was at peace.

The most exciting part of this journey for me has been connecting with people at Grace Community Church in Detroit. That first lunch with pastor Bryan was an important reality check for me, one that helped me realize there are many Christians outside UBF (imagine that!). Attending the 6:00 am bible study led by pastor Wayne was eye-opening. It was his “Be Armed” series that corrected a lot of false teaching I had picked up. I realized then that for all my thousands of hours of bible study, I had never learned the basic doctrines of Christianity. Even as I continue go through a transformational paradigm-shift in my faith, those basic doctrines hold true and provide an anchor for my faith.

Pastor Wayne baptized me on April 29, 2012. I had decided to be baptized as a way to confirm that I had left UBF had given my life to be a Christ-follower. I’ll never forget pastor Wayne’s words to me just before going under: “You are now free form the teachings of one man.” Now I’m glad to be part of pastor Wayne’s intercessory prayer team, praying for Renewal Church and his new role there. Grace Community Church became a safe house for me and our family. Pastor Bryan was a God-send to my wife and I. His sermons were so full of love, goodness and humor—and so deeply drawn from the well of grace and love—that each Sunday my soul mended a little more.

My wife and I joined a bible study group with Pastor Bryan. And we were utterly shocked to discover what genuine Christian teaching was all about. We found that we had been taught a Christianized form of Eastern philosophy, which continues to be one of our biggest problems. Through Pastor Bryan’s help and the help of our newfound Christian community, our family is being healed day by day. Now my wife and I are renewing our relationship, going on dates, finding out each other’s character and making up for nearly 20 years of lost time.

Breaking the yoke of guilt

“We never taught that!”… words I’ve heard often after leaving my former religious organization. One of my most impactful and life-changing discoveries I made after resigning from my leadership position in a fundamentalist, fringe Korean religious group was that my theology was deeply flawed because we were holding onto implied gospel messages that were filled with holes and superficial, un-Christ-like ideologies. Of course the group leaders could claim they never taught the things I was renouncing and criticizing them for on my blog. Our flawed gospel messages were not normally taught explicitly. Most of the time, our shallow gospel was taught implicitly, taught underhandedly through a praise/shame system. We knew exactly what we were teaching, what kind of behavior we expected in ourselves and in new recruits, but we rarely documented such things explicitly. That way all those “R-Group people” (our term for former members) would not be able to prove anything.

I found that I had the facts of the gospel correct—the gospel is about Jesus, his birth, life, ministry, suffering, death, resurrection, ascension and future reign—but I had come to accept some very non-gospel messages. I accepted, for example, that I must remain loyal to my personal spiritual supervisor the rest of my life, checking with him for major life decisions to see if my decisions were “God’s will”. We called this “spiritual order”. I also accepted that it was not possible to leave the group I was in, or at least not if I wanted to be in Heaven one day. In fact we created an entire heritage system of implied beliefs—beliefs that are not taught by the bible text directly but that seem to be implied from the text. It was a grand biblical proof-texted ideology. Sometimes this heritage was then explicitly taught. Looking back, I see that I didn’t actually believe such teachings, but I accepted them. I overlooked the built-in contradictions and did my best to apologize for and to perpetuate the flawed theology.

Five Explicit Gospel Messages

In “The Explicit Gospel”, Matt Chandler eloquently articulates the content of the gospel, brilliantly describing the gospel as what he rightly calls “the gospel on the ground and the gospel in the air”. In “Your Church is too Small”, John H. Armstrong earnestly and magnificently expresses the result of the gospel, as an exhortation to see the Church holistically, comprehensively, historically and missionally, and yet in a fresh, new light based on Jesus’ prayer for unity in John 17. In “Eyes That See, Ears That Hear”, James Danaher repaints the theological framework of Christianity, expressing the fabric of the gospel so that we can perceive the gospel as we continue the epic transition from modernity to post-modernity and beyond. In “Fundamorphosis”, Robb Ryerse brings to life his amazing journey of transformation, renewal and regeneration that reveals the power of the gospel to change and transform in a personal and approachable way. And in “What We Believe and Why”, George Koch presents a masterpiece of theological constructs that connect ancient thoughts on faith with current discoveries in a grand panorama of the faith of the gospel, meticulously documenting the essentials and the basics, the origins and the foundational truths of what Christians believe in an accessible manner few have accomplished. These five books have profoundly shaped my narrative about the gospel, and ought to be collected in some sort of “modern to post-modern transition library” as five classic books that capture the Christian faith in our generation.

I have found these gospel messages to be immensely helpful in guiding my conversations on religious or philosophical discussions. And then suddenly the gospel began to come alive, unleashed from the yoke of my shallow, misguided, guilt-laden, proof-texted notions.

• The gospel is about the kingdom. “And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come” (Matthew 24:14).

• The gospel is about God’s grace. “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me–the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace” (Acts 20:24).

• The gospel is about the glory of Christ. “The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4).

• The gospel is about salvation. “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit…” (Ephesians 1:13).

• The gospel is about peace. “…and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace” (Ephesians 6:15).

Communal Salvation

It’s a small world after all. Our world today is smaller in that we are more inter-connected and inter-dependent than at any time in world history. Instant, global communication and rapid world-wide travel is commonplace. The worldwide Christian church is starting to realize that there is only one faith, one hope, one Lord and one body. Our theologies and gospel messages must now pass the test of global criticism. Perhaps we are on the verge of a new kind of uniting by the Holy Spirit that does not define boundaries? Clearly church communities have been ripped to shreds in recent years. Could the Spirit now be uniting entirely new communities, reforming the shattered body of Christ into a vastly more healthy and loving world-wide community?

Personal Liberation

Jesus did not come to bind believers to an upgraded law or to yoke us with a heavy mask to hide our real identities. Jesus said his yoke is easy and his burden is light (Matthew 11:30). Jesus came to give rest for the soul of the believer. Do you believe that? For most of my life I tried to believe that, but in my mind I always concluded: “Easy and light? Yea right! You gotta be kiddin’ me! Christian life is anything but easy or light…” I believed the gospel Jesus taught, but I lived my life as if I were a donkey tethered to a millstone. My only claim was “Yes I’m tied to a millstone, but it is a better millstone than what Moses gave!” I thought, “My millstone came from Jesus, and I’m going to pull it by golly!” So I became weary in all I did. Everything became meaningless.

If we see the Sermon on the Mount and walk away sad or burdened with guilt or heavy laden with anxiety, we’re hearing implied messages that are not of the explicit gospel messages Jesus taught. Jesus’ yoke is not a new way to be tethered to the law. Jesus’ yoke is grace. Jesus’ invitation to find rest for your soul still stands open today.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

My parents have supported me far more than necessary. My mother and step-father, Linda and Joseph A. Yenser, along with my grandparents, Louie and Simone, and my wife’s parents, Tibor and Sandra, and all my family especially my two brothers Darrin and Donny have been a bedrock of goodness and an ocean of love for me. I was both grateful and excited to receive the raven artwork from my stepfather, Joseph A. Yenser.

My friend John H. Armstrong, who spoke the six words that inspired this book, “I will not bind your conscience.”, has been a model of love and unity to me. My friend Ben Toh, a pastor in the Chicago West Loop area, has been a great sounding board, and a friend who is not afraid to disagree with me. Ben is truly a raven among ravens.

My friends in University Bible Fellowship (UBF), the community who exerted undue religious influence on my life and thus ironically shaped the narratives in this book, have hope to be redeemed into a healthy community when the stories of former members are narrated, processed and acted upon with love, grace and truth.

My friend Chris Z, who I once considered my enemy, has become my friend and has been a continual reality check for my thinking, as have all my encounters with former members of UBF.

My friend and author Andrew Martin was instrumental in shaping this book because of his book, “The Year the World Ended”. His journey parallels mine and he has become a good friend in the midst of much turmoil.

Our four children, Ruth, Anna, Noah and John have made my life rich, exciting and far more happy than I could ever have experienced myself. My life is filled with joy because of them.

My wife of 20 years, Mary, deserves much credit for this book, for it is she who is a writer, who has an English Literature PhD and who understands what I intend to say. Her endless love for me has made anything I do possible. Thank you and I love you.

Father, Forgive Them

The story of Jacob and Esau is a grand narrative of blessing, deception, hatred and division. And a narrative that occupies a large part of biblical text, not only in quantity of chapters but in importance of teaching. Apostle Paul’s symphonic text called Romans weaves the story of Jacob and Esau into a masterpiece. In my studies of Genesis, always the perspective of Jacob was presented. The thought occurred to me, however, to take a look at the perspective of Esau. Why would I do that? Esau is the patriarch of God’s enemies. Esau is an ungodly man. God hates Esau. All this is true, I admit. But Jesus said, “consider the ravens” in Luke 12:24. Look at the ravens. Who is more of a raven than Esau, the patriarch of God’s enemies and the Edomites, the community of God’s enemies? Is there something to be learned from Esau beyond “hate your enemy”?

What if God forgives his enemies?

Will God do this? Will God answer Jesus’ cross-originated prayer to forgive his enemies, God’s enemies? Could there be forgiveness beyond the judgment of God? How might the enemies of God find the forgiveness of God? As I searched the bible feverishly and prayed for answers to such questions, I didn’t find all the answers. But I did find someone who wrestled with these kinds of questions. And he wrestled with these questions in light of the Jacob and Esau narrative. His name was Paul the Apostle. In Romans chapter 9, he wrestles with such questions: What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath–prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory– even us, whom he also called, not only from the Jews but also from the Gentiles? (Romans 9:22-24)

Who is this coming from Edom?

If the way for human beings to see Christ-likeness is forgiveness of enemies, how would we see any Christ-likeness in the God of Abraham if we don’t observe God forgiving the enemies of God? Could it be that the angry, sadistic-like God of the Old Testament “repented” on the cross? Might it be possible that people of faith are not to follow the God who kills enemies but the God who loves enemies?

I believe Isaiah saw just such a vision recorded in Isaiah 63:1-6.

Could we not see Isaiah’s vision with eyes of the cross? Now that we have the gospel accounts of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, we surely can see a glimpse of the world through Jesus’ eyes. Might we now see the love of God and the cosmic redemption story in Isaiah’s vision? In light of the cross, I see “their blood” as becoming the “blood of the lamb” and “anger” being transformed into “love and forgiveness”. Just as swords will be one day beaten into plowshares (Micah 4:3), might the wrath of God be changed into the love of God? Might we be changed from identifying and killing our enemies into forgiving and loving our enemies without condition on the basis of the cross of Jesus alone? Who is this coming from Edom, from Bozrah, with his garments stained crimson? Who is this, robed in splendor, striding forward in the greatness of his strength? It is Jesus.

Today our new Friend submitted a thoughtful, heartfelt and well-articulated article entitled “What next?” I want to share my response as an article instead of a comment because I have far too many emotions and thoughts racing through my veins. I am both excited and encouraged to read Friend’s thoughts. But I don’t want to go backward in my journey. I have asked myself that question thousands of times the past three years since resigning from UBF on July 4th, 2011. What do I do now? UBF shepherds promised to make my name great like Abraham, to train me to be a world-class leader, to learn how to be a Christian missionary and how to deeply study the bible. Those promises turned out to be a mirage for me. I have no idea and no authority to determine what is next for UBF ministry or people. What I can do is concern about what is next for me and my family. Here are my thoughts.

Cultural and Emotional Healing

I am far from a world-class leader. After leaving UBF I found that I could barely speak my own language fluently. I had lost the ability to speak and think at “American-speed”. In order to survive my UBF tenure of 24 years, my emotions had been bound up and stored away in a dark corner of my heart. My conscience had been cut out in order to sustain the massive amount of cognitive dissonance it required to enable and propagate the KOPHN fantasy. So I will continue my quest to restore my American identity, connect with my Roman Catholic roots, rejuvenate my emotions and restore my conscience.

Writing Books!

One of the reasons I stayed in  UBF that I discovered through writing my second book is that I have a massive desire for self-glory and fame. UBF fed this desire well. So well in fact that after leaving UBF I became the infamous detractor, and most vocal critic. That is the lot of all of us who seek fame– infamy awaits. I decided however to turn this into something good. I discovered the joy of writing books. Today Amazon published my second. Here are the links to my books:

•  Goodness Found: The Butterfly Narratives (paperback | Kindle)
  Publication date: May 12, 2014

• Rest Unleashed: The Raven Narratives (paperback | Kindle)
  Publication date: March 26, 2014

More Books about UBF

What is next for UBF ministry is uncertain. UBF is at a crossroads. What is certain is that more and more publicity is headed UBF’s way. There have been many internet testimonies and some TV interviews at places like Chicago UBF and Toledo UBF. Now there will be more and more books published about people’s experiences at UBF.

• I Choose: Subtlety in Cults, Isabelle Renaud (Kindle)
  Publication Date: November 30, 2013
  

“I wrote this book to explain how easily someone can get trapped in a controlling group or relationship. This book is not about religion, it is about the organizational structure and emotional manipulation. It is about finding yourself after losing yourself.

Isabelle was in university when she entered a Christian group called University Bible Fellowship. During the following years, she acquired her experience on cults while spending three years in UBF and working for various community organizations.”

But this is supposed to be a book review of Rest Unleashed: The Raven Narratives. The first half of his book is a retelling of the story of Esau and his rediscovery of the gospel that had been presented in the light of mission. I was a little surprised to find a Catholic dismiss St. Thomas Aquinas division of old testament law, but besides that nothing truly surprised me about Brian’s discovery. It is the same gospel I have always known. I guess I was more surprised that this had to be a revelation. I know I have been given a lot in the way of correct teaching, but this passage of his book made me realize how blessed I have been with a correct view of the gospel. I thought it was amazing that someone could read the whole bible and miss fundamental beliefs of our Lord’s message such as grace, glory, salvation, and peace.

The second part of the book was the author’s life testimony. When I first read claims from the author about UBF I spoke with John Lee, the pastor from Springfield. John Lee said the Brian had a bad experience pioneering Detroit. I could feel that John lee truly felt sorry for the situation. He said “He was trying to pioneer Detroit, Michael. He felt like he wasn’t receiving any support. I cannot imagine trying to pioneer Detroit.” Brian’s life testimony seemed to confirm this. I realized that Brian had always felt something was off or wrong, but he dismissed it. Eventually God shocked him to this truth. The thing he was missing was a loving, graceful Christ- free from legalism. Sometimes the only way God can reach someone is through pain. But it is for the better.

The part I enjoyed most about the book was how God led him to his wife though a very intricate plot. I won’t spoil the story but it deserves to be told (and dare I say- replicated) again and again. I know Brian felt like what happened was unfair to his wife, and he would know better than I would. But I found the story amusing and I took pleasure in seeing how he got around the system.

I encourage everyone to buy and read Brian’s book. It contains much more than I have mentioned. I recently spoke to a UBF missionary from Chicago who said that Brian was good for UBF because he “keeps us honest”. I doubt this is the official UBF position. As a concluding remark, both books I have read by former UBF members tell a similar story. They speak of a person who had UBF coming to them at a low point in their life- just when they needed purpose. In both cases UBF provided them with a purpose, but there is a season for everything and eventually the UBF season ended. Just like this review now ends.

Holy Saturday is often overlooked. It is a day of stillness, of silence, of sadness mixed with joyful expectation and hope. What would happen, now that Jesus has died yesterday? That thought must have sunk into the hearts and minds of all Jesus’ followers that first Holy Saturday. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow, so in silence we wait.

James Hanvey, the Lo Schiavo Chair in Catholic Social Thought at the University of San Francisco, writes: “Holy Saturday is his time. It is the time when we learn to trust his sacrifice of love which death can neither subjugate nor comprehend. In Holy Saturday we begin to see that it is he who has made death his instrument; not to terrorise us into submission, but to call us more intimately to his side. In the purifying darkness of Holy Saturday we discover the Sabbath of our waiting. We come to the end of our way and the beginning of his. It is only Christ who can carry us over into Easter morning, and so it is with all the Holy Saturdays of our life.”

Reasons why I observed Lent in 2014

1. To renew my identity as a Roman Catholic

I am Catholic. My roots are deeply Catholic in my family. It was rather naiive of me to abandon such good roots in my college days. So my Lenten journey was first of all my attempt to “be Catholic”. I observed the traditional Catholic Lent, from Ash Wednesday to Holy Saturday, but in an non-traditional manner. As time goes on I will pursue other means of dusting off my Catholic faith and actions.

2. To accept my own challenge

A few years ago, I issued a challenge to all ubf leaders. I called it My challenge. I asked any ubf person to abstain from ubf activities for 30 days and see what would happen. I asked “Could you live one month with no UBF activity?” I decided to take my own medicine and live over 40 days during Lent without ubfriends activity. I found it amazingly healthy and helpful to do such a thing.

What I experienced during Lent in 2014

1. It is possible for me to be a priest

One of the surprises was to talk with Anthony Gittins, author of Reading the Clouds: Mission Spirituality for New Times at an ACT3 cohort class in Chicago. I asked him if it is possible for a married man to enter the priesthood. He said yes, it is entirely possible to do so. I have no plans to do this, but this news melted away the last barrier for me to “come home” to the Catholic Church.

2. I have moved on from ubf but will remain in conversation

I expected that not blogging about ubf would be difficult. But I found it to be easy–too easy in fact. I found that I could easily walk away from ubf and cut ubf people out of my life forever. What was difficult was not interacting with all of you– my virtual friends here in this community, including all you silent readers :) I realized more than ever that I need to keep blogging about ubf and my family’s experiences there. I received some anonymous feedback during Lent, from a Korean woman missionary and a Korean man missionary currently working in two different ubf chapters. One told me that they are glad “I keep ubf honest”. The other thanked me for my new book and told me they remember me only with grace and good thoughts. For their sake and the sake of all ubf members, I will continue my blogging and my book writing. Even though it is easy for me to just forget about all things ubf, I will remain in the conversation.

3. I wrote and published a book!

One of my joys is to write. So instead of blogging, I pulled together my thoughts and notes from the past three years and published a book. I found that it feels really good to be a published author! My book is called “Rest Unleashed: The Raven Narratives“.

In this book I tell my life story for the first time from my authentic self perspective. It was so liberating! I realized that one reason I become so obsessively devoted to ubf is that I was doing penance for my father’s untimely death due to ALS. I had prayed “10 thousand times prayers” (to use ubf language) and still my father died. So I blamed myself, and threw myself into ubf activities to try and make up for my failure. Writing “Rest Unleashed” helped me to not only see the absurdity of this, but to be free from such thought patterns. I dedicated my first book to my father in his memory.

My second book is entitled: “Goodness Found: The Butterfly Narratives” and will focus on the patterns and principles that helped me undo the ubf ideology and connect with goodness.

You can read more about each book on my other blog site:

Rest Unleashed: The Raven Narratives

Goodness Found: The Butterfly Narratives

So I’m glad to be back and look forward to catching up on all the articles and comments from the past 40+ days!