For almost an entire week I’ve had interesting heated exchanges with a friend on Facebook. The subject being discussed is probably secondary, since the exchanges became rather nasty and personal. My friend felt as though I was being superior, self-righteous, condescending and hurtful by always insisting that I was right, while I thought that I was simply not agreeing with his insistence of his opinion and his point of view. The ad hominems and personal attacks increased as he brought up many of my past failures and sins over the past few decades, to stamp home the point that I’m just the exact same sinner that I was in the past which everyone in my church fellowship knew and who would all agree with him that I am this unbearable and insufferable sort of person.
Why am I sharing this? It is NOT to pick at my friend for picking me apart. He states that he is upset because the way I express myself in my Facebook comments are intended primarily to target him and to provoke him to anger. In his words, what I wrote was just to “piss him off” and to gather several other of my “sidekicks” to gang up on him.
Are my friends accusations true? To be honest, I did not think that it was. But then again I am also a cheeky sort of fellow and an agent provocateur who loves to push the boundaries of what I can say publicly while trying not to cross the line of being insulting or disrespectful.
For instance, my friend was getting angry at me and others who disagreed with him. So several commenters stated that he has anger issues, which made him even more angry. To him his anger was justified because he felt that I and a few others provoked him by being self-righteous and condescending in our combined responses in refuting his opinion. Of course, I didn’t agree with him, since I felt I was simply responding to him with reasoned arguments, which to him were intentionally provocative and even hurtful.
With regards to anger, I wrote that there are four types of people: those with anger issues, those without anger issues, those with anger issues and who acknowledge it, and finally those who angrily insist that they have no anger issues. He was particularly upset that I wrote this saying that I was targeting him, while I thought that I was being creative and funny in the context of all the back and forth exchanges, some of which were rather heated and unpleasant and which resulted in one person blocking another.
This simply went back and forth for almost the entire week with dozens and dozens of comments, something that I have not experienced or encountered before. Despite some degree of emotional tension and discomfort, it was actually kind of fun to dialogue back and forth for an extended period. Eventually though it became like two arrows passing each other across the dark sky with neither side being able to genuinely and empathetically listen to the other side. Perhaps we never did from the outset.
So why am I sharing this? Again, I hope it does not come across as me trying to pick at my friend. I want to take my share of the blame and responsibility since I love to push the envelope as far as I can, which is often perceived as excessive, which it indeed may be.
I’m sharing this because I wish to learn about how to graciously navigate strong differences of opinion without escalation, both in private exchanges and especially in public forums like Facebook.
I know that I often need to simply acquiesce and back away. But I’ve probably failed at this my entire life. I really am often simply unable to just back off. So several people have pointed out that I always need to have the last word and that I always need to win every argument. Clearly, I need to be told this again and again, until one day God indeed helps me to just let it go.
A way for me to deal with stuff is often to laugh it off and make light of it, as the way for me to not give in to anger. But then this inclination toward levity and laughter at such times perhaps irritates and annoys others even more, especially when they are already angry and upset.
I’ve been a trouble maker all my life. I need to learn how to be a peacemaker which is obviously much much harder. I obviously need to learn to promote healing and reconciliation, rather than causing tension, angst, frustration and emotional outbursts. A Dirty Harry or a Trump disposition is just not going to cut it.
After writing all this, I think I just needed to ventilate a little, get this off my chest and move on. It is also to ask your understanding, counsel, advice, wisdom and prayer to help me navigate through instances like this, where the situation often gets worse instead of better.
Do you find it as hard as I do to simply back off? Let it go? Promote peace? Decrease tension and conflict?
Due to my upbringing, I used to be a doormat who always backed off. Of course, the UBF organization to which I belonged in the 80’s and 90’s loved it because I always complied with them. I was the perfect sheep and the perfect shepherdess.
So when I left this organization, I had to learn to be assertive and stand up for myself and others. I didn’t find it easy to become a person with healthy self-esteem. I am still more of a peacemaker than a troublemaker, which is probably a good thing.
A short while ago, I spoke up for a nice elderly lady who was being bullied at a church where I attended Bible study. (It is not the church where I am a member now).
It felt good to support her when she did not speak up for herself, but let herself be bullied. There are bullies and doormats everywhere. I don’t want to be either.
I want God to give me the wisdom to know when to be quiet and when to speak up.
Hi Moriah, and welcome. I think many of us who were trained in the ways of UBFism can relate to your comment, especially this:
“So when I left this organization, I had to learn to be assertive and stand up for myself and others. I didn’t find it easy to become a person with healthy self-esteem. I am still more of a peacemaker than a troublemaker, which is probably a good thing.”
Of course some of us became troublemakers 🙂
Welcome, Moriah. You wrote, “…the UBF organization to which I belonged in the 80’s and 90’s loved it because I always complied with them. I was the perfect sheep and the perfect shepherdess.”
I think you nailed it. As you and many others may have experienced, if you comply, submit, don’t question and just obey your leaders, then you’re loved, acknowledged, praised and commended as spiritual, mature and growing. Then you’re on the fast track to becoming a conference messenger/sharer and to marry by faith. 🙂
Because of such prevalent sentiments and expectations throughout the UBF world, people loose their ability to become productive and creative critical thinkers (which is not encouraged) as they tend to stay in the box and in their own bubble, never question or challenge the stagnation and status quo, stay in the rut of habitually doing the same thing week in and week out, year after year. Worse of all people become isolated and insulated as they become more and more disconnected with others and with the ever changing world at large. As a result many stay in their comfort zone as they have a hard time relating meaningfully to those who are not like them.
I guess this dispute had to do with UBF, right? I have never met an organization that causes so much unnecessary quarrel and discord – even estranging close friends and family members from each other. It’s not your fault or the fault of your friend. It’s most certainly the fault of the UBF system in that case. A system that is no based on the truth, but on lies, faked history, denial, pride and blind loyalty is doomed to fail and cause a lot of trouble on that path to final failure.
Honest and open talk like we have on UBFriends can help. But when people are too deeply buried in their doctrinal system, when they are in denial, caring more about loyalities, traditions and reputation than truth, honest talk will not help. I once thought all people (at least those calling themselves Christians) should value honesty, but I had to learn the hard way that some love their fantasies and standing in their peer group more than honesty.
Sometimes just backing off may be the best solution, but I also have difficulties to do that, particularly when I feel any kind of injustice and there is nobody who talks against lies, dangerous ideas and falsification of information. Keeping peace is a good thing, but peace by all means is not always the correct solution. Jeremiah complained “They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.” Sometimes we need to endure tension and insist on our opinons, as long as we are willing to always reassess that they still apply. Many people in UBF are addicted to harmony since that’s the kind of people that the UBF sieve filters out, the kinf of people who are able to stay in that environment. But it’s unhealthy if an organization only consists of such people. When I learned something in UBF then it is that I can’t live in harmony with everyone without violating my conscience. Sometimes friendships need to break. I stopped wanting to be friends with anybody who isn’t interested in the truth and with whom I’m not able to speak openly.
I’m glad that it’s possible to talk in such a way with you and many others on UBFriends. Even though we often disagree and I was sometimes harsh, we are still able to discuss with each other and can be good friends. I also learned to continue to be open to people in case they change their minds and become open for the truth again. These people I’m glad to be friends with, and I admire their courage to question their former thoughts and life style and come out of their closed mindset, and their courage of making themselves vulnerable by admitting former wrongdoings. You, Ben, and Brian, are great examples and everybody can learn a lot from you.
Chris, I didn’t see all of the conversation Ben is referring to (since I had to block two people…) It was ubf people in the conversation and maybe a couple former ubf people. The discussion was something about bacon and kosher foods, mixed in with a bit of the transgender bathroom issue that is going on in the US.
Yes there was literally someone condemning us (me included) for not fully obeying the old covenant, like for eating pig. Of course he gave himself the mercy of Jesus for once posting a photo of himself dressed as a woman and for working on the Sabbath (he was ignorant of the Torah when that happened).
It was very confusing and highly entertaining. Not sure if UBFism even came up…
Oh, that kind of people who believe to have the one and only interpretation of the Bible and style of living. I found some of these inside UBF and its periphery too. I usually let them have their opinions unless they force them upon others in authoritarian ways. Which is similar to what UBF is doing, except that UBF does it systematically in a very peculiar way.
It always important to understand that it is often impossible to change a person’s mind on something. People will hold all sorts of strange things even in the face of conclusive evidence otherwise. Therefore, when I speak to someone in a public arena like facebook or whatever- my point is never to change someone’s mind. It is always to change the mind of the several onlookers. Frequently a person will hang himself (so to speak) and say something that clearly shows he has left rationality. I usually let these comments stand as it has damaged him to such great extent that further talk is not needed. Although, I think things differ considerably in private conversations.
what happened to your favorite song, Dr. Ben?
“Let it go, let it go…” Maybe you need to watch “Frozen” again;) You ask if it is easy for us to back off. For me it is very easy. There are 3 ways to respond to conflict, aggressively, passively or assertively. 9/10 times I am passive. With certain personality types there are those who value social harmony over logic and efficiency. It’s a conflict of values. But that does not make one bad/wrong per say. In the Meyer Brigg’s personality test they differentiate it between thinkers and feelers. Thinkers value reason more and feelers emotion more (of course Meyer Brigg’s is not the most accurate test of personality, I don’t think there is one complex enough for anyone, but it does give a little insight into different types of people.) We need both thinkers and feelers.
In the instance of your conversation with your friend ultimately you choose your battles. There are few people I argue with personally. There are few people I disagree with openly, maybe because I value social harmony more or maybe simply because I don’t think it’s worth the breath/energy/time/brain cells. (this happens a lot.) I guess you really love your friend because you are engaging with him/her.