In his 2003 book Finding Peace, Jean Vanier poses some rhetorical questions that seem especially poignant for readers of this website:
“How can we work for peace when we are faced with authority that does not listen, that cannot accept that it is not always right, and that refuses any form of criticism or dialogue? Do we leave, slamming the door? Do we seek to create a revolution? Do we let the desire for vengeance grow? Or do we fall into a form of depression and submission because there is nothing else to do? How can we be true when faced with insolent oppression and might? How can we work for justice in impossible situations?”
Powerful questions indeed.
Before jumping to Vanier’s answer, please stop for a moment and think. What is the best answer that you can give?
When I stumbled upon this question, a voice in my head began to speak. The voice said:
- Don’t become bitter. You must not become bitter.
- Humble yourself. A spiritual man defers to others and does not insist upon his own idea.
- Be patient. Wait. Wait a bit longer. Then wait some more.
- The problem is within you. If you solve your own inner problem, then you will be happy and peaceful in Jesus, no matter what is happening around you.
- Don’t become a radical. Christians shouldn’t be radical.
In the past, I would have believed this to be the voice of godly wisdom. Advice like this sounds so spiritual. Any of these statements can be backed up with numerous Bible verses. And there are plenty of situations where this advice would be appropriate.
But not always.
This may be the voice of godly wisdom. But it may also be the chatter of an oppressive system that merely wants its authority to go unchallenged.
After many years of following these prescriptions, I gradually learned that this kind advice does not produce mature disciples of Christ. It eventually turns people into this.
After posing the question, Vanier gives examples of men and women who successfully worked for peace in the midst of oppression: Francis of Assisi, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Dorothy Day, Aung San Suu Kyi, Corazon Aquino, and others. He calls them prophets of peace.
He quotes Mahatma Gandhi:
“When I despair, I remember that throughout history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they can seem invincible. But in the end they always fall. Think of it always…. whenever you are in doubt that this is God’s way — the way the world is meant to be. Think of that and then try to do His way.”
Then Vanier explains what prophets of peace have in common.
“These men and women didn’t attack insolent might face on, which often only reinforces the barriers, but worked to help the powerful to step down, to change and evolve. At the same time, they sought to give those who were suffering injustice the freedom to work for peace, to love the truth, to not be governed by fear and hate, to love people, and to build community — to be themselves.”
Vanier’s question is such an excellent one: ““How can we work for peace when we are faced with authority that does not listen, that cannot accept that it is not always right, and that refuses any form of criticism or dialogue?”
My thought is that such an unhealthy authority structure, especially in the church, thinks of themselves quite differently. They think that they are being very open to listening to others. They acknowledge rather flippantly that “even leaders are sinners and make mistakes.” They also generally think that they are being criticized mainly because they are being persecuted like Jesus.
In short they truly believe themselves to be generous, gracious, benevolent, magnanimous, patient and wise, while all those who have something contrary to say are basically foolish, immature, unwise, disrespectful, rebellious, political, have hidden inner sin problems, etc.
Yes, and that is the crux of the problem. I feel disgusted by people who assume they are benevolent and dismiss all evidence to the contrary. But I should have compassion for them, because I was one of them, and I am still in the process of recovery.
This is a timely question, how do we work for peace? At one time I might have just quoted Matthew 10:34 and moved on. Now I see that Matthew 10:34 passage does not negate the goal of peace, but simply points out one painful reality we likely will experience along the road to peace. Working for peace may indeed divide close friends and family members because often we do not want peace. Instead of peace we want glory or honor or pleasure or other things.
Here are the things I’ve learned the past 5 years about working for peace. 5 years ago, I did not know these things, so this is stuff I learned along the way.
Don’t boil the ocean – Some things, such as changing a 50-year old organization quickly, may indeed be impossible. Accept reality.
Be willing to be crucified – Working for peace will get you killed, often literally. People don’t like peace when they have a stake in something.
Be content with no feedback – Working for peace is a lonely, silent road. Many times people will appreciate your work but will never tell you. Sometimes your work will not be good, and people refrain from giving feedback so they don’t hinder the good part of your work.
Cherish the positive responses – I carry in my mind two or three super positive responses I received from the past 5 years. Those responses drive me onward.
Find forgiveness in your heart – Unforgiveness is a heavy burden. To work for peace you must throw off the yoke of bitterness and both give and receive forgiveness.
Make connections – Don’t go it alone. Community peace is only found when people work together.
Make mistakes – The road to peace is filled with failure. Perfect peace may be the destination in the afterlife, but in this life we have to live through failure. Learn from failure quickly.
Make friends – Friendship is the only way I survived thus far. Making a few friends, even virtually, makes all the difference. Friendship brings about peace in fact.
Remember your enemies are people too – Whomever you consider “my enemy” is also a human being. Remember that.
Be open to change direction – There is no single, universal path to peace. Peace requires constant attention, continual work and many different directions.
Accept that I am part of the problem.
Realize I am not the entire problem.
And finally, the Catholic prayer of serenity (which seems to have been written by a Protestant…) has helped me much.
Serenity Prayer
Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
source
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx
I concur with Ben, Vanier’s question is an excellent one: “How can we work for peace when we are faced with authority that does not listen, that cannot accept that it is not always right, and that refuses any form of criticism or dialogue?”
One method that I have used several times is what I call the “mirror method”. Make your life a reflection of that authority figure. Reflect back to them what they look like. Of course they will crucify you, thinking they are looking at you.
One day they just might realize they are looking at themselves.
I am convinced that only through such self-discovery can any human being actually begin working for peace.
Regarding peace, as long as certain people do not repent, there simply cannot be peace. What I experienced reminded me of Jeremiah’s words:
They dress the wound of my people
as though it were not serious.
‘Peace, peace,’ they say,
when there is no peace.
Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush.
In my experience lower-ranking UBF members are of that “non-confrontational” type and that’s what holding not only them back but the whole of UBF, because the top leadership is of the opposite type. They give the appearance to be humble, but are not. Leaders actively look for situations where they can call out people, shame and blame them even in front of others, or give them humuliating “training”.
The article How Being Non-Confrontational Has Held Me Back in Life talks about the kinds of problems that arise from such behavior. They are exponentiated in a group like UBF where such behavior is exploited systematically and permanently.
Great article Chris. This quote stood out to me “Although being non-confrontational might help you get along with people more, it also makes it easier for people take advantage of you.”
I, for one, am no longer non-confrontational 🙂
Chris, that’s an outstanding article. I wholeheartedly agree with it. Avoiding conflict is not the same as peacemaking. I was a classic conflict-avoider, both in my family and in UBF. It led to all kinds of unhealthy behaviors. I became passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive people think they are holier than those who openly argue. But in a sense they are less holy (less whole), because they are more dishonest.
I believe that Jean Vanier would agree with that article as well. I’ve read several of his books about community and human relationships, and in each of them he makes a similar point. A healthy human being needs to acknowledge when he has been hurt by others, and not just try to cover it up or forget about it.
I think your assessment of UBF leaders is correct. In my experience, most of them (including some who are considered “top” leaders) flee from conflict rather than face it. They suppress disagreement and hide at all costs the fact that they are not getting along. Many of them actually do not like each other and are not friends at all. It’s impossible to be friends with anyone when you are constantly hiding your true emotions. One point that Jean Vanier repeatedly makes is that people who do this cannot be fully human and often fall into depression. Many leaders, in rare moments of honesty, have confessed to being “burned out.” Yes, they are burned out. But a better word for it is depression. They become so disconnected from their feelings that they no longer know how to allow themselves to feel. The one emotion that they do feel from time to time is anger, which they always try to suppress. But sometimes they are not successful.
Interestingly, some top leaders like Samuel Lee *were* in fact confrontational, but in a very ugly way.
I will give an example that somebody told me happened in Korea, when Samuel Lee was visiting the opening ceremony of a new, expensive and shiny UBF Korea church building. When Lee entered the stage, he did not praise the leaders and the efforts in time and money they put in building/buying that center. Instead, he blamed them for having lost their “manger spirit”. He said the new shiny building looked like a bank or something, but not spiritual. He continued to tell stories how they lived so poorly in the old times and not even had proper toilets, and how everything was so much better and magner-like then at the time when he still was in Korea. Obviously, he was envious about the success and size of that Korean chapter that surpassed the one in Chicago, that’s why instead of complimenting them and celebrating with them, as everyone expected, he bashed them and snubbed at all their work. Of course, many attendants were impressed with the “spiritual wisdom” and “pureness/poorness” of Samuel Lee, the man with the “smell of the Bible”, and the bashed leaders had to put a good humble face on and repent.
In reality, the same man Samuel Lee was cought with thousands of dollars in his pockets at the airport, collected at conference in Korea, attempting to smuggle them to the US, where he was already sole master over several millions of dollars. The same man Samuel Lee chartered whole airplanes to impress foreign guests, or rented huge shiny halls for international conferences, and faked photos to make them look even more impressive. The same man never cleaned the toilets in Chicago. He did the same things he accused these Korean loeaders of, and worse. But he had the guts to confront and shame them in public, without warning, when he was invited as a guest. And of course nobody dared to challenge Lee for this, and question his own style.
So that is how the symbiosis of non-confrontational sheep members and confrontational leader-wolves in sheep’s clothing works.
And of course there are the sub-leaders who are confrontational to their members, but non-confrontational to the top leaders, i.e. kiss up, kick down. They are the worst.
Chris, what you just described (and I agree with your assessment) is not the social order of God’s kingdom, but a sad example of the corrupt ways of the world. Jesus came into the corrupt world and, being fully aware of these things, said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” He was not telling people to become non-confrontational conflict avoiders. He called us to be peacemakers, which is a very different thing. How to do that in the midst of a corrupt system is a very difficult question. Sometimes we must admit our limitations. Some bullies will never change and the wisest course of action may be to withdraw. But I really want to know what a world class peacemaker like Jean Vanier would say. I think he would approve of the general intent of this website and the old one, which is to allow people to express themselves and interact with one another as they really are, not as ubf leaders would want them to be. Sometimes the discussions have gotten ugly. The road to peace is rocky. But I’m proud of what has happened here.
My goodness, I remember hearing about the airplane thing in Bible study once. I don’t remember the passage, probably in Genesis, but the gist of the message was putting trust in God rather than money (so, being willing to give up career opportunities if they conflict with UBF activities and present large offerings).
After the message, though, my shepherdess qualified it by saying, “This doesn’t mean that you can’t have any money. A few of the missionaries are millionaires. However, they use their money for the glory of God. A few years ago they used it to rent an airplane for African missionaries to come to the international Bible conference, and because of that they were so blessed.”
It never occurred to me how strange that actually is. Reminds me a bit of that prosperity gospel group (name, anyone?) that recently purchased a private jet supposedly for the Lord’s work…
Hertoa, maybe you’re thinking of Benny Hinn who has his own private jet, all financed by offering money.
Chris, in my opinion this statement is spot on: “…sub-leaders who are confrontational to their members, but non-confrontational to the top leaders, i.e. kiss up, kick down…” It is also a blind spot because of their (mis)understanding of “do not touch the Lord’s anointed.”
I’ll have to say that I never heard of these two accounts before: “Samuel Lee was caught with thousands of dollars in his pockets at the airport, collected at conference in Korea, attempting to smuggle them to the US… The same man Samuel Lee chartered whole airplanes to impress foreign guests…”
I’ve stated often that there are few if any genuinely equitable friendships and relationships in ubf like that of David and Jonathan. This is ironic because this is taught in Bible study to stress friendships among men, while in reality the relationships to this day are functionally strictly hierarchical.
Older leaders expect to be deferred to and virtually anyone and everyone younger who remains in ubf complies, even if they might do so reluctantly or angrily.
For instance a top leader gave a horrible message at an international conference. But no one would ever tell him because that would be inappropriate, improper, presumptuous. So he likely thinks he gave a wonderful message. It is such dysfunction and discordance that is honestly incomprehensible.
A main reason some older leaders despise ubfriends it that it allows anyone and everyone to freely speak up what is on their heart and mind, instead of speaking only what the older leaders would allow.
Regarding the chartered jet, a picture of it was in one of the official newsletters. In my memory, it was used inside the US after a MSU conference, but maybe there were even several occasions where UBF chartered whole planes.
On the old rsqubf forum an insider wrote in 2001:
“It is known that members of Mr. Lee’s family and members of his staff have benefited from the use of church funds. There is proof that Mr. Lee’s daughter, Little Sarah Kim, was the beneficiary of rental income from apartments that were purchased using church funds. As previously mentioned, a home was bought for Mr. Lee’s son in Cincinnati using church funds. The son of Mr. Lee’s treasurer, Maria Ahn, was given about $200,000 this year to defray the costs of medical school. The daughter of a Board of Directors member has also been given money for medical school. Please note that UBF does not have a scholarship program for medical school students or any other kind of scholarship program for that matter. Also this year, about $20,000 was given to a church leader for undisclosed reasons. All this money was given “under the table.”
Mr. Lee has also personally benefited from the generous giving of UBF members all over the world. He has been given numerous so-called “personal gifts” of money which were collected from UBF members overseas in Korea and brought to the USA by Korean UBF leaders to be presented to him. He received a personal gift of about $100,000 in August of this year from Korean UBF leaders who came to Illinois State University for a biennial UBF international conference. Mr. Lee has also received a personal gift of about $100,000 from Samuel Choi, a UBF officer in Korea, which he co-mingled with church funds to purchase the house in Cincinnati for his son. Before this year, Mr. Lee would conduct 4 to 6 marriage ceremonies between UBF members around his birthday in October and receive about $2,000 per couple as personal gifts. It is not known whether Mr. Lee has reported these many large personal gifts as income to the IRS.
As further background on the character of Mr. Samuel C. Lee, you should know that he was detained at least once by Korean Customs for trying to leave the country with large amounts of undeclared cash which were collected at large biennial UBF gatherings in Seoul, Korea. Mr. Lee was the subject of two Chicago TV news investigative reports in the 1990s, the first ca. 1994 by CBS-Channel 2 and the second ca. 1996 by NBC-Channel 5. Mr. Lee has been sued at least twice during his years in Chicago, once for practicing medical quackery on an infant and once for physical assault.”
A have heard these things several times, including from Korean members. I can also testify that I personally have been asked to give a generous money offering for Samuel Lee on the occasion of his birthday. I was a UBF newbie at that time in the early 90s and I gave something like 50 Deutsch Marks because they made me believe Mr. Lee was so poor and needed the money. It’s likely that this was part of a worldwide collection. You can extrapolate how much money he got for his personal use from that one collection alone. In addition, he was also the maintainer of the central accounts of offering money, and as the reformers complained, never gave proper accounts about it and treated it like it was his own money.
gee, wish I had free house/kids college/car/etc; maybe those who abuse tax free donations need quake in boots on way to jail; wait, then we have to pay their jail on top of everything else, better to inhibit donations to limit abuses
I am sure we only know the tip of the iceberg in regard to these large sums of money.
I can testify as a former chapter director these two cases are real:
I could have gotten a $19k credit card.
I could have gotten ubf insurance. It seemed to be really good. One ubfer crashed a rental car and owed $8,000 dollars. It was paid in one week by ubf, no questions asked.
So how can we work for peace with such corrupt and toxic leadership? I think we need courage to stand up for justice and expose major wrongdoing.
I love the rhetorical questions posed in this piece. I recently had an experience where I felt wronged by an employer and it seemed that this employer refused to establish a sense of peace because he was an authority that did not want to listen to someone in an “inferior” position to him as clinic manager. I felt that this employer did not accept that he is not always right and got the impression that this employer believes his own authority is always correct rather than asking a higher spiritual authority (God) for guidance on mediating workplace issues. This employer I am understanding created an atmosphere that rejected any form of criticism and limited dialogue because he wanted to feel correct in a workplace affair.
Dealing with nasty employers like the one I just ended a relationship with at Massage Envy Spa makes me feel like slamming the door on the way out. I did not end the relationship that way, but the harsh feelings of loss of self worth that arose after experiencing a lack of empathy for mental health struggles from the company made me feel like spiritually slamming a door in this clinic manager’s face. Another part of me wanted to create a form of revolution by posting a poor review of Massage Envy Spa on the website Glassdoor so that other professionals would avoid working for such an emotionally insensitive employer. Yet another part of me had this burning desire to let vengeance grow within me. I sort of got my vengeance already by deleting this employer’s number from my phone, deleting his email, and removing my employer from all social media (Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat). Yet another part of me found myself falling into a form of depression because I felt that after losing my job there was nothing else to do. Therefore, I submitted to the idea that my employer was right and that I was wrong. It really is not a matter of who is right or wrong in my opinion, except I sense that it is to my ex employer because he lives legalistically according to the Massage Envy code of conduct.
I feel like the only way to be true when faced with insolent oppression including from employers is to ask God for guidance and mediation of conflict. If it were up to me I would curse out my employer or curse him spiritually to get back at him for how negatively he made me feel. However, by taking a more holistic look at the situation I am able to see that people like my employer who showed insolence simply don’t know better. They don’t know the weight of their words when they say things that come off as so emotionally insensitive and rude. Essentially, my employer did not realize that he made me feel so devalued as a person and I had to come to God and recognize my value before God to restore my sense of self worth today.
All in all, I learned from this piece the value of loving myself and others and turning away from the desire to hate others simply due to human misunderstanding. I recognize that because others are not God they cannot begin to understand the weight of their actions and words on other people. I am able to forgive people like my insensitive employer who decided not to empathize with my situation through reflecting the same loving grace God has bestowed upon me.