From time to time I have had the opportunity to take an Emotional Intelligence test or “EQ” test. This is like an “IQ” test, but instead of gauging a person’s intellect, the EQ test gauges a person’s emotional aptitude. I was stunned a couple years ago to find that my EQ was low–so low I was in the “needs much help” category. This opened my eyes to a lot of issues. After decades of supposed world class training, I was severely lacking in the realm of understanding and expressing emotions. I was further stunned to discover that almost all actual world class leaders talk about being emotionally healthy!
Feeling Confident
More recently, I took an Emotional Intelligence class. I learned that unlike our IQ, our EQ is often changeable. This time I scored in the mid-section, the “can use emotions effectively”. I’m not an EQ rockstar, of course, but I am learning to understand my emotions and the emotions of other people around me. I find that life is so much more enjoyable when I pay attention to these feelings. One action item that is giving me more confidence is that I am learning a new word list. I found that I just do not have the words to describe my emotions. So I working through 100 ways to describe how you feel.
Feeling Resentful
To feel resentful is to feel full of or marked by indignant ill will. Learning this week of how certain leaders in our former organization promote and protect abusers made me feel an entire spectrum of emotions–demoralized, angered, indignant, fearful, depressed and hopeless. The toxic leadership has just gone on too long. When will repentance and liberation come? Have they not learned even the basic ideas of community? Why do they continue to self-righteously ignore the very idea of the gospel of grace?
Feeling Loss
This week my Grandfather passed away. He was in his 80’s. I was concerned because the last time a close family member passed away (my Father), I became lost in a religious fantasy world and denied my feelings. Thankfully, that is not the case this time. I grieved with my family. I celebrated my Grandfather’s life. He was a WWII tank driver. The local veteran’s association sent guards to the funeral who fired rounds of blanks into the sky. I am so glad to finally begin dealing with life events in a more emotionally healthy way. Still the loss is there. My Grandfather was the epitome of Christian faith to me.
Thanks for sharing, Brian. I have found through my own relationship with God and His judgment that my EQ while a member of UBF was particularly low as well. I could have qualified for a “needs much help” category as well. It has only been through intensive and extensive therapy that I have been able to unravel my emotional aptitude or intelligence.
I completely agree with the theory that our EQ is capable of alteration. I mean I am sort of also living, walking proof of that after having undergone behavioral and cognitive reformation through therapy. I believe that as a believer in God and Christ outside of UBF I qualify as someone who “can use emotions effectively” like you describe, Brian. Through therapy I have learned how to acknowledge my primary painful emotions of anger, guilt, shame, disgust, sadness, anxiety, and depression (loneliness and yearning). It has been through developing an awareness of these painful emotions as they relate to my own self-talk with my thoughts and how I relate with others cognitively and behaviorally that I have been able to find more enjoyment from my own life. This awareness helps structure useful, organic interactions that emotionally benefit all participants involved. I really appreciate the word list you supplied, Brian. I believe that it is critical to have an expansive vocabulary when it comes to describing how he feel because often times these are complicated emotions that need such identification for examination, processing, and relief.
Some words that stick out from the list include “abandoned,” “accepted” (or lack of acceptance), “alienated,” “apathetic,” “ashamed,” “aversion,” “avoidance,” “awful,” “bored,” “confused,” “critical,” “depressed,” “despair,” “detestable,” “devastate,” “disappointed,” “disapproving,” “disillusioned,” “dismayed,” and “disrespectful” when it comes to my relationship with UBF. That is just including words from the A-D section of the list, as I do not find it economical with time to post every single word on the list and beyond the list that describe my relationship with UBF. I think plainly put and taking from your header “Feeling Confident,” Brian, I feel a lack of confidence and self-worth as I recall my membership with UBF and which is why I am attempting to heal my relationship with UBF as I move on from UBF to a church better suited to my spiritual developmental needs through this dialogue.
My life is marked by a lot of resent toward UBF at this time in my life. The idea that a church could get away with making someone feel this aforementioned list of painful emotions I described makes me feel just the same as you, Brian, (demoralized, angered, indignant, fearful, depressed and hopeless). I agree that there is toxic leadership in UBF, however I could write an entire thesis paper on that and choose to articulately compose and compile my thoughts on that subject for constructive purposes for another time. I do agree with the ideas you posit, Brian, that UBF does lack a true sense of inclusive community that I am finding in a different setting called Urban Village Church. At this church from the few times I have attended and with my intent to attend regularly this church has taught me that real spiritual community is bold, inclusive, and relevant. A true church community should embrace the gospel of grace and instead of ostracizing people for their differences, instead embrace people from different ideologies and make them feel welcome in a space where dialogical exchange is encouraged. I find true what you speak of, Brian, that denying believers of God and Christ this divinely ensured grace is self-righteousness at its worst.
My condolences are with you, Brian, for the loss of your grandfather. I believe that part of a healthy emotional intelligence does involve allowing oneself to fully sit with and process that feeling of loss or pain that you speak of. This painfulness can arise from memories of loss as well even memories of the loss of a spiritual community that I once had in UBF I am finding. Instead of feeling resent toward UBF for the painful emotions and wounds I have experienced as a result of membership in this church, I choose to process this pain through engagement with the harsh feelings I experience in this forum. I like you, Brian, am elated to be experiencing life events in a more emotionally balanced way with the help of therapy, my newfound community in Urban Village Church, and this online space to critically engage in critical analysis of systematic and theoretical understandings of what it means to be a church of Christ. Thanks for your time and attention in reading this, Brian as well as former and current UBF members.
Hi JM, thanks for sharing and great to hear from you again! I’m glad to hear about getting in touch with your emotions through professional therapy. That is so helpful. I have come to appreciate and learn from professional therapists. I received much healing from several pastors as well since normal healthy Christian churches require pastors to also either be counselors or at least have taken professional counselling classes. This is one reason it is so fake to call ubf chapter directors as “pastor”– it is highly misleading to the public.
My recent interview with Steven Hassan (who is a licensed mental health counselor) was actually like a mini therapy session for me.
obviously I feel resentful at times but I realize that is less dangerous than being overaccepting or even complacent for isn’t that what got us where we are today? (trusting status quo or giving up trying to question/alter wrong); perhaps the goal could be to find better ways & be a positively persistent conveyor of the same