Recently I read an article recommending weekly marriage meetings:
Holding a weekly 30-minute meeting with your spouse that’s broken into four parts: Appreciation (expressing gratitude to your spouse), Chores (making sure to-dos are getting done), Plan for Good Times (scheduling date nights, as well as individual and family activities), and Problems/Challenges (addressing conflicts/issues/changes in the relationship and in life in general).
I thought that might be a good idea, because, as the article continues to explain:
The structure of the marriage meeting is designed to rekindle your romance, solidify your friendship, nip potential conflicts in the bud, and help you smoothly run your household economy. If you’ve already got a great marriage, then marriage meetings will enhance it. If your marriage has been struggling, the meetings can help you get your relationship back on track.
So I approached my better half with this idea. However she opposed, saying she doesn’t like the idea, as she generally doesn’t like any planned communication. She says it would feel artificial and coerced and she values much more if we talk spontaneously, as that’s more honest and feels less awkward. She says such meetings remind her too much of UBF with their weekly meetings and sogams where you were supposed to say certain things, but it was never really honest and helpful. Communication in a marriage should be much more free, natural, uncoerced and spontaneous.
I completely understand what she means. On the other hand, I also see benefits of such meetings and believe they can be held in way that doesn’t feel awkward, unnatural or coerced. Also, nobody hinders us to skip meetings if we’re not in the mood or lack of time unlike in UBF where everything needed to be attended with an “absolute” attitude.
Since my wife opposes the idea so adamantly, I cannot try it out. But I wonder whether other UBF-affected couples tried such meetings, and I would like to get the opinions of others about the topic. Has my wife become hypersensitive against structured communication due to her bad experience in UBF? Or does she have a point and such ways of structured communication – which are surely helpful in other areas like the workplace – are not appropriate inside the marriage? Or maybe it depends on the personality types of the couple?
What do you think?
My first thought is that this is a good sign, Chris, that you and your wife are discussing these things. Communication is something we who were arranged-married have to deal with.
Holding a “weekly marriage meeting” does sound WAY too much like UBFism to me. I could not do it, even though the article has good intentions and may well be healthy for other couples. For me, I’m out!
My wife and I have struggled with the meeting together thing. When we first moved to Detroit and were still “in”, we tried to keep all 19 weekly ubf meetings in our new “house church”. That failed instantly. We decided in that first week to just have 1 meeting–Sunday worship.
That was ok for keeping face with UBFism. No one actually cared how many meetings we had as long as I reported numbers to headquarters. We did get shocked stares of disgust though when I would happen to mention we didn’t do all the weekly meetings.
Hi Chris, Glad to read your first official posting!
To meet regularly (weekly) or spontaneously depends on your personality disposition, I think. Since I have a laissez-faire disposition your wife’s sentiments almost exactly echo and mirror mine.
That said, I think it’s good for the church (and for couples) to not stop meeting together (Hebrews 10:25), since we are called to fellowship and community. Meeting together would be in keeping with the Trinity. Thus, we should not live as a solo Christian (or spouse!) as a permanent pattern (1 Cor 7:5), though there certainly should always be personal times for silence and solitude (Col 4:2).
In my opinion, the problem with the UBF meetings and conferences I attended for almost 3 decades is that eventually it simply became habitual, forced, legalistic, predictable, serious, lacking in joy, a top down business/UBF agenda driven meeting, and it sadly became a measure of one’s faithfulness (to UBF). The meetings had lost the spirit and vitality, creativity and freedom, freshness and inspiration, of the meetings I attended initially after becoming a Christian decades ago.
I guess after 3 decades of attending UBF meetings my laissez-faire disposition finally kicked in. Or in the minds of some, I just became rebellious, uncooperative, disobedient, childish, immature, critical, unfaithful and unthankful.
Hi Ben, I totally agree that a church (large or small) should have regular meetings. Of course in a normal church that doesn’t mean that everyone is forced to attend every meeting, and that the meetings are totally structured and staged (many meetings in UBF were “staged” even in the literal meaning of the word, and attendance was mandatory). But a church and a marriage is something different, even when UBF tries to equate a marriage with a house church. If you don’t schedule meetings with fixed time and location in a church, people are unable to meet. But in the marriage we are together every day anyway, so it’s really questionable whether schedulung a meeting is necessary. On the other hand, I find it even helpful to schedule meetings with myself, like for a “weekly review”, and to write a daily journal just for myself, even if that feels awkward at first. I’m doing that sometimes, but not really regularly.
Hello Everybody,
Some couples go on a date every week, which may be a good idea. I would not want to have a regular structured marriage meeting every week because – as every comment so far indicated – it looks too much like UBF-ism.
One of the reasons I left UBF were the endless, boring meetings and conferences. Actually, all UBF ever did was recruiting and meeting together to talk about recruiting.
Personal initiative and creativity were discouraged. I never saw or heard about any UBF’er pursuing charitable activities outside of UBF unless they were a front for recruiting.
These days I rarely attend any kind of conference and avoid meetings as much as possible because of my past negative experiences with UBF.
I even avoid meeting with my family (I know I shouldn’t) because like many ex-UBF members I have a UBF-arranged marriage which brought unspeakable challenges that I haven’t overcome yet. So more communication may be a good thing for me, but not in a structured manner.
Have a wonderful day!
Hi Chris! After surveying the linked article I would have to agree that it would be interesting to pursue a meeting that resembles the one discussed.
I understand the hesitation for anyone who has come from UBF or maybe any other organization that imposes arranged marriages. I think the greatest barrier for any couple in such examples is their individual, independent intimacy. For example, UBF couples for the most part know their fellowship members and their Bible teachers most. There are marriage studies and marriage council materials all orchestrated by third party people from UBF. Meetings in this context are really to get the couple to stand by their oral contract of campus mission. It does not ensure growth between a husband and wife on a personal level.
But in fact this article is demanding that the married couple sit down without distractions. I want to counter the formal UBF styled meetings that cause anxiety in me – if ever I was required to have a third party come along.
1)Appreciation of your spouse – Honestly speaking, it is rare to hear anyone of the older generation express appreciation for their spouse. Rather, what we hear about is their dedication to UBFisms – But not an appreciation for the man/woman they are married to – their uniqueness and identity. Younger people may be different, but the influence of co-workers for campus mission lacks the love necessary for appreciation. Oh, and how many times have I heard about eyes for other men or other women!
2)Chores – Well, in traditional UBF – Isn’t all housework to be done by the wives? I mean the men just sit around enjoying being satisfied day and night 24/7.
For a healthy marriage and an honest expression of mutual appreciation I have found it essential that my wife and I cover each other when we can. Sometimes we even give one person a day off, by means of alternating. (Where chores are concerned : This time me, next time you.) All according to health and so on.
3)Planning for time together?? – In UBF – really? A good time together is only about attending meetings and reading the Bible, studying the Bible, Praying for UBF mission goals and using your time for your Bible students etc… Who could possibly get caught up in their spouse? That is not your mission in marriage.
Anyway, time for each other is essential. I have often heard that UBFisms do not actually discourage married couples from having such time together – But I beg the question: After all obligatory activities, who has the time or the energy to enjoy time with their spouse? To get to know their spouse?
4)Problems/Challenges – Study the Bible. Talk to your Bible teacher or the director. Pray and renew your sense of mission for campus students.
But seriously, the only way to conquer any problem is to have a healthy balanced relationship and understanding with your spouse. My wife and I do not agree on everything, but that does not impede our intimacy. When a disagreement arises about the children we have to talk it out. About each other – the same! If we face problems and challenges the only way is to communicate with each other – and yes, sometimes even pray.
As long as the spontaneity can be sustained and benefit your married life I do agree with such meetings that are demanding the couple to look at each other and in fact re-kindle the love that first brought them together.
UBF might be full of meetings – but it often uses testimony reflection to remedy such personal issues. When these concerns are not healing – third parties get involved. With all of the meddling, a couples problems are not really addressed – but leaders are satisfied when they believe that the married couple will keep their mission for campus students. In other words, a divorce and broken marriage is permissible as long as two people keep their vow for campus mission.
This article is simply suggesting that a married couple fall in love again. For me the so-called meetings are really reminders to support, encourage, and love each other.
Thanks, Steve. My thoughts were similar when I read the article. Unfortunately I could not convince my wife 😐