“It feels like we just got divorced!” That is how one woman described her feelings after leaving the group. Indeed, I was more married to UBFism than to my wife. Leaving, then, is filled with feelings of detachment, as if you were just cut off from the mother ship and are floating in space. It is possible to find redemption, however. Here are three things a former member needs to be prepared for: apology letters, hidden triggers and former member connections.
Receiving apology letters. One annoying thing that former members have to deal with is apology letters from the group. We got a form letter about two years after leaving. I found out the other families who left about the same time also got the same letter. It was all about the group and how much they changed and how much they wanted to apologize to us. We felt the letter was disingenuous.
Watching out for triggers. Something I had not counted on was embedded psychological triggers. For example, in our new local church I offered to help with serving Communion one Sunday. When we ran out of the “blood of Jesus”, all I could hear were the loud rebukes of the UBF shepherds. I began to physically shake and had to leave the service. Another time, I was asked to take a group photo, which happened to have UBF members in it. I again began to physically shake and literally ran out of the building.
Connecting with former members. One things that made me most happy after leaving was connecting with former members. It was such a relief to find that my experiences and thoughts were shared by so many people. The cookie-cutter nature of UBFism has created the same experiences around the world. The instant, global communication tools we have now make such connections possible.
How can we find redemption?
“…unless something changes, the future that you can expect is more of the past. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ or becoming committed does not make Jim Carrey a great golfer, or make Jack Nicklaus funny. Recommitment does not make a person who is unsuited for a particular position suited for it all of a sudden. Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future.”
―Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward, pg.99
Just give us more time! We are changing. We are not like that anymore. Empty words from UBF leaders. I cannot count how many times we former members have heard such fake promises. What we former members want is not so much to be apologized to as to be listened to. Instead of facing the facts of their reality and listening to what former members have been telling them for decades, the leaders at the group continue to cultivate a toxic environment filled with broken promises and increased effort to recommit to the UBF ministry. In spite of such doubled effort, the organization continues to spiral into chaos, even while putting on a good show.
A couple years ago a UBF student who had contacted me with questions about UBF asked me what chapters were on my redeemed chapter list. I told him the first chapter is Westloop UBF Church in Chicago. I had visited Westloop several times after leaving UBF and was impressed with their desire to build a healthy Christian ministry. I also said I might add Waterloo UBF in Canada and Penn State UBF, but I had not confirmed those personally as I had not visited those two chapters. The student laughed and told me those are exactly the three chapters a Korean missionary told him to avoid! Those chapters, he was told, were to be approached with caution because they had been losing faith lately.
Such lies are common for former member to deal with. Before leaving, as we submitted more and more to the guidance of the Holy Spirit and our new joy in discovering the gospel of Jesus more clearly, we were said to have become delusional, weak or unspiritual. In fact, however, the opposite was happening. I became far more spiritually alive just before and after resigning from my leadership position at UBF.
With all the problems, you might wonder how can anyone find redemption in the group? In my opinion, redemption is not only possible, it is happening. I would like to share the story of my friend Ben Toh and his wife, and their UBF chapter at Westloop. If there is any hope for UBF to change and become a healthy Christian ministry, I would point to this family.
—Identity Snatchers: Exposing a Korean Campus Bible Cult, pg.114, 117
Thanks, Brian. Maybe it’s just me but I find this rather amusing and hilarious regarding redeemed UBF chapters: “I had visited Westloop several times after leaving UBF and was impressed with their desire to build a healthy Christian ministry. I also said I might add Waterloo UBF in Canada and Penn State UBF, but I had not confirmed those personally as I had not visited those two chapters. The student laughed and told me those are exactly the three chapters a Korean missionary told him to avoid! Those chapters, he was told, were to be approached with caution because they had been losing faith lately.”
blessed are those who lose faith in man but gain faith in God
I never experienced and posttraumatic stress symptoms or triggers, not yet. The only thing I feel is deep sadness because I truly believed that UBF was a true Bible believing and teaching church and that my co-workers loved me. I am also very distressed and sometimes fearful that I will fall into another cult like church because I’m not sure I know what is a healthy church. I think the church I was involved with, a Baptist church, is healthy but I did feel that the new pastor maybe was too charming, if you know what I mean, so I found a new church. I now attend Open Door Community Church in Erlanger, Ky, a non-denom church. I really think this is a healthy and free church and I can grow there.