I would like to share this prayer I wrote down when I first realized the destructive practices of the University Bible Fellowship. This was an earth-shattering experience for me, because it threw everything that I had experienced over the course of ten months into a completely new light.
I still cringe a bit at some of the UBF language I used in this prayer, but it reflects the beginning of a massive change in my life. Some shepherds might say that what happened to me in the following months was spiritually destructive, leading to my “falling away” from God’s will. I think what really happened was God answered this prayer.
Father in heaven,
O Lord, my head is in a whirl and my heart is pained to the core. Have I been deceived? Am I in a ministry rooted in abuse and manipulation? Are these things actually evil, or are they the work of the Holy Spirit?
O Lord, I pray and I cry and I humbly fall before you to reveal your truth that I may not blaspheme against the Holy Spirit. Let me not deny the good fruit that you have produced. I know that you have done marvelous work in my heart through this ministry. You have brought me out of the darkness and changed my life so that my focus is now on you and not in [my]self.
Lord, your goodness and truth is wonderful and delightful. I can see how you have been building me up in this ministry and I am so happy to see that which you have done. Right now, Lord, I truly believe that it is your will for me to be in this ministry, struggling hard to serve your work and do your will. Lord, please let me submit to your holy guidance. I pray with a cry for help that you would show me the truth. Please, if this is a cult and a ministry of manipulation, I pray that you would please work in all of our hearts to see the truth. Reveal to us your holy light and let us not be trapped in our thinking.
Lord, we all believe that through this ministry, through shepherding and through fishing we are serving you in the way that you have called us. Please let us see the truth of your calling and the wonder of your word! God, I pray that you would allow us to test all things. Let us not [with pride] hold onto our own understand, but shine your light into our hearts and show us the TRUTH! If this is some great deception and we have all been led in, I pray for your mercy.
Forgive us, O Lord, and lead us right. If this truly is your will, I pray that you would truly allow us to serve it wholeheartedly. For nothing in this world should come between us and your grace and truth. My heart is torn. This feels like spiritual warfare. The last time I felt this way was when you led me to give up my summer and come down here to serve you. I still believe that this was your work on my life. God, I have no problem—at least, I should like to think this—with following your will for my life, even if it leads to my death at the hands of a persecutor. But Lord, let not my life rest in the control of an organization using your name as a tool: that would be the most wretched, horrible occurrence, Lord!
Forgive me if I am entertaining the thoughts of the enemy, and I pray that you would lead me right if that is the case. Lead me to truth. Set me straight. When last this prayer topic beat against my mind, it was for the opposite reason: I resisted the call to serve you. But now, I say this same prayer so that you may show me the truth and let me not be controlled by a human [organization].
Forgive me and heal me if I have betrayed your calling. Forgive me and heal me if I have turned against you. Forgive me and heal me if I am entertaining wicked thoughts. I desire only to serve you, my Lord. Let me serve you in the way that you intend. Now, I acknowledge that the UBF worldwide ministry — and the UBF of the past — may not be the same as Shepherd’s Church. While other chapters of the [organization] may have fallen into human authoritarianism, our church may yet be centered on the truth and on the gospel. If that is the case and it is your will that I remain, then heal my heart and strengthen my will such that I can serve your work with the utmost conviction and dedication. If not…
O Lord, you know all things. Destroy the work of the enemy in me. Forgive me for my sin. I pray, forgive all of us if we have worshipped you in vain. Lead us straight and guide us to the truth. Lord, please help me to know whether it is your will for me to remain and tap against cultish and abusive doctrine. I know that you have done great work through this ministry — but let it be for the production of true fruit! Show me the light.
Show me the truth. Show me the way: for you are the true light that gives life to all men. I beg you Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
This is beautiful, Hertoa. The wave of outcry begins again… more former members are contacting me again just recently. It had been quiet for awhile, with almost no activity here on ubfriends. But we are back up to our normal 250 to 300 views per day.
I want to say to all our readers here: you are not alone. Your experiences of trauma and confusion are the typical result of living the UBF lifestyle and the direct impact of learning the ways of UBFism.
Grace and peace to each of you.
Thanks for sharing your heart, Hertoa. Your questions and prayer are indeed heart-felt:
“Am I in a ministry rooted in abuse and manipulation? Are these things actually evil, or are they the work of the Holy Spirit?”
“Please, if this is a cult and a ministry of manipulation, I pray that you would please work in all of our hearts to see the truth.”
“Lord, let not my life rest in the control of an organization using your name as a tool: that would be the most wretched, horrible occurrence, Lord!”
“…show me the truth and let me not be controlled by a human [organization].”
God bless you, Hertoa!
Hi, Hertoa,
Your prayer sounds beautiful!
I left UBF after I felt burned out from all the meetings, conferences, quotas, rules, and recruiting that seemed to lead nowhere.
I remember thinking that I was a free person living in a free country. So why was I submitting to the whims and rules of missionaries who made just about all the decisions in my life down to the length of my shirt sleeves?
Is it the role of missionaries to subdue and control the native population? For example, is it the role of missionaries to Sweden or Senegal to control the Swedish or Senegalese people? I don’t think so.
In UBF, I had no real friends because I could not trust anybody. What I told someone in confidence might be preached from the podium the following Sunday. Moreover, friendships between members of the same rank or the opposite gender were disparaged, viewed with suspicion, spied upon, and eventually broken up.
Now I feel liberated and relieved and I have some great friends from among those who left UBF too.
Best wishes to you and your family!