Recently I read an article titled “A Manifesto Against ‘Parenting’.” It starts by claiming:
“The idea that parents can learn special techniques that will make their children turn out better is ubiquitous in middle-class America—so ubiquitous that it might seem obvious. But this prescriptive picture is fundamentally misguided. It’s the wrong way to understand how parents and children actually think and act, and it’s equally wrong as a vision of how they should think and act.”
The article goes on to explain how we should just be parents and think about what being good parents mean, instead of trying to transform our children into what we believe they should look like in that process called “parenting”.
After having “parented” my son for nearly 16 years, I’ve learned that this is true, and I regret what I’ve done.
The article also shows what’s wrong with the notion of “shepherding” and “discipling” in UBF and other organizations that are into this idea of molding their members into a certain image. In fact, the kind of shepherding practiced in UBF could also best be called “parenting”, because members are treated like little children. Worse, there is also a component of “training” like you train a dog in it.
Then I stumbled over this passage in the article:
“Perhaps the best metaphor for understanding our distinctive relationship to children is an old one. Caring for children is like tending a garden, and being a parent is like being a gardener. When we garden, we work and sweat and we’re often up to our ears in manure. We do it to create a protected and nurturing space for plants to flourish. As all gardeners know, nothing works out the way we planned…
Wow! I suddenly realized that this was something that Apostle Paul clearly understood when he wrote:
I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.
I really like the analogy of parenting to gardening.
I feel that God’s method of “parenting” is a mixture of structure and abundance/spontaneity. There is order, but there is also room to grow. I don’t have kids, but parenting sounds like a real blessing from God to learn humility and patience and unconditional love. God bless all the parents!
Very good points, Chris. UBFism teaches a Bible shepherd to be the new parent of the Bible sheep. This is horribly flawed and wrong, but if the Bible shepherds were actually good parents, they would display the things you mention: “we should just be parents and think about what being good parents mean, instead of trying to transform our children into what we believe they should look like in that process called “parenting”.
It’s almost impossible for most UBF leaders to accept Paul’s words here in a practical way. Expectations are driven so far by senior leaders onto young growing leaders. The growing leader will push and push and push students rather then let the Holy Spirit work within and through a new Bible student.
It has been horrible to read over all the articles and discussions over the past several years. Let me clarify! Senior American leaders such as Joe and Brian were essentially not given absolute autonomy over their own chapters once they went out to pioneer. They still had to follow the Korean system and leadership in UBF – answering to and getting permissions from a senior Korean. In fact it is the same for any leader who is not Korean. This is not a revelation – but rather a bittersweet end to a life once passionate and committed to serving what was believed to be God’s will.
How do you feel when you wake up and realize that God was never pushing you to carry out all of those UBF activities? How does it feel, after many long years to step back and see the hierarchy for what it really is? Old Koreans, young Koreans and everyone who is not Korean.
Parenting as discussed here resounds of Christian principles. Let the Holy Spirit work. Let God reign supreme over your children. But UBF fails with it’s approach to the family. From child neglect to abusive persuasion to know God without conviction. Moreover, the god that a child comes to know in UBF allows the disintegration of the home. A child is tossed away like an old toy in favour of a Bible study or a meeting at the center. What about morning devotion and daily bread – what happens here? UBF shepherds believe that they are in fact entrusting their children to God. Very well…I suppose. But, a loving God would not leave children in want. There is a big difference between love for God and misplaced priorities. Tears about how hard it was to leave your children won’t do – you should not have left a baby alone in the first place!
For the Bible students, I often heard leaders refer to spiritual diapers and changing. Well….if you want to take it there. Young students may lack years and experience but that does not make any of them stupid. UBF shepherds are trained to obsess about students in a way that is devoid of God. Such unbelief of the Holy Spirit to work this way or that way! It is true, some students get introduced and later walk away from the faith – but how often does that really happen? If someone has a desire to know God, they are more likely to make mistakes and bad choices while continuing to have faith in God. Growing in their own time and way. An unbeliever just walks away with less interest in knowing Jesus.
In short, everyone has a lot of growing to do in God. UBF must awaken to the wrongs that have been committed and continue to occur. Perhaps eyes will be opened. But, it is not up to the shepherd to call the sheep, email the sheep, visit the sheep, escort the sheep, pray for the sheep…..to leave everything for UBF. One must leave everything for Jesus at a pace that defines their relationship and bond with God.