When I entered UBF, I was dating a girl. She also came to attend the UBF services. She was with me in two Sunday meetings, but I did not let anyone know that she was my girlfriend. I already wanted to end the relationship with her before entering UBF, when I saw that it would be difficult to keep dating. So I wanted to end the relationship. After a few months, I reported my relationship in a testimony during a 1-1 Bible study. I also told some UBF people about my relationship with the girl. When I told my Bible teacher, he asked me, with an attitude of reproof:
You want a dating or you want to serve God ??
For him, you either obey the rules of UBF or you are disobeying God. In the limited minds of the people of UBF, you cannot have a loving relationship and also be a servant of God. Worse, in their minds, you cannot be guided by the Holy Spirit to find the love of your life. When you get married in the UBF “marriage by faith” model you are not exercising your faith. You are just blindly obeying the instructions given by men trying to steal the role of the Holy Spirit.
The girl that I was dating is Christian and attending a Baptist church. I was not wanting to date just to satisfy my carnal desires. I was looking for a Christian relationship. We were studying the book of John and then we would study the book of Romans. But after I told my Bible techer about my girlfriend, my Bible teacher changed his mind and decided we must study Genesis. Very strange!
Meeting with a Pastor
After a while in UBF, I met a pastor of a very good Presbyterian church. I talked to him about UBF. I told him about the teachings and practices of UBF. Then he told me that UBF is a cult.
When he said that to me, at first I felt a certain joy, because going to UBF was a heavy burden for me. That heavy environment was extremely unpleasant for me. Just thinking about leaving UBF, it made me feel free. Before leaving, I prayed to God and asked him for help about these things, to give me wisdom and strength to make the right decision. After this, I continued to attend UBF for over a month. Finally, I could not stand to be in that place. So I left there.
I left UBF and began to attend the Presbyterian church of the pastor who helped me. I went to my first Bible study at my new church. They were finishing their study of the book of Proverbs. It was the last chapter of the book, chapter 31. In this chapter appears a king named Lemuel who tells things he learned from his mother. And the mother of this king taught him about what kind of woman he should look for. In verse ten it is written:
A wife of noble character who can find?
Here already we can see that if we want to have a relationship with someone, it is a task carried out by ourselves and not by others. We must seek the person. You must pray and hope in God. You should find this person through faith and not accept forcefully what other people oblige.
The greatest proof of this is that King Lemuel recounts some of the instructions that his mother taught him to know how to choose a good wife. There is a list of things a person should consider when looking for a spouse (see verses 10 – 31). So if the Bible teaches that kind of person we should look for and gives us guidelines so that we can find that person, why then I should subject myslef to marry with a person chosen by someone else arbitrarily?? These things are recorded for us, so why can we not use them??
Proverbs 31 teaches the true marriage of faith which is very different from the UBF arranged marriage. In fact, the reality that UBF does not want to accept is that people can be guided by the Spirit of God independently. You study the scriptures, meditate on it, pray to God, waiting for the right time and be guided by the Holy Spirit to find the person that God has set aside for you.
The Bible study at my new church was really very good. The pastor opened my eyes to see that the UBF wedding model is a big mistake, and that it is also spiritual abuse. I saw that the concept of faith in UBF is a distorted view of what is taught in the Bible. I felt free and happy at that time. I received that first study at my new church with enthusiasm! The most impressive thing to me was that the teaching was given accurately in my very first Bible study in that new church.
Of course, I am not completely freed of the bad memories I have of UBF, but this was a big step to wake up from the nightmare that was to be there.
Isaac and Rebekah?
Turning to the issue of arranged marriage in UBF, I believe there are several issues we should consider about the misinterpretation of UBF in Genesis 24 (the marriage between Isaac and Rebekah).
In this passage, there is a typology. Isaac is a type of Christ. Abraham, the father of Isaac, sends a wife for his son, just as the church is preparing to attend the marriage with Christ. Another thing! Why does no one else in the Bible have a model of marriage equal to Rebekah and Isaac? If we evaluate the entire Bible, we only find it once and UBF wants to establish an entire doctrine from that one occurence. Neither Abraham, nor Moses, nor Jacob, nor any other had a wedding like Isaac and Rebekah. That was a particular case, to represent the marriage of the Church with Christ.
We must be very careful to deduct from the Old Testament doctrines. Many cults invent heresies from wrong interpretations of Old Testament texts. What UBF does is the same thing that other cults do. The Old Testament is very important, but one should keep in mind the Bible as a whole so that we do not fall into the error of inventing a false teaching as UBF did.
Later on, I hope to write a more complete testimony about my time in UBF. For now, I want to better understand some books of the Bible that warn us against the teachings and practices of false teachers. I am currently reading the commentary of Luther on the book of Galatians and I’m learning many things. I realize some similarities between UBF and the false teachers of Paul’s time. Today I just want to share with you that Proverbs 31 totally refutes the heretical legalism of UBF. God bless all! In Christ!
Samir,
I’m really glad you want to share these thoughts. As I wrote in my book, Identity Snatchers, arranged marriage is the end game of UBFism.
You make two excellent points that I had not considered before in the context of arranged marriage.
You correctly point out that the Isaac and Rebekah marriage happened only once in the Bible. It was one event. And yet UBFism creates an entire marriage doctrine, complete with marriage training for rejecting God’s servant!
It is one thing to have poor theology, but quite another to arrogantly cling to proof-texted ideology from one Bible story! Any intro to the study of exegesis, hermeneutics and homiletics would immediately begin correcting such harmful teachings. We will all die with flawed theology but we do not have to live with harmful theology.
The second point that stands out to me is the idea that we are involved in choosing a mate. This is supported by various other passages in addition to Psalm 31. Wow, what a concept. But for us who went through marriage-by-faith arranged marriage and/or marriage training, such a concept is foreign. Thanks for sharing this. I am glad our children do not have to suffer through UBFism!
“In fact, the reality that UBF does not want to accept is that people can be guided by the Spirit of God independently. You study the scriptures, meditate on it, pray to God, waiting for the right time and be guided by the Holy Spirit to find the person that God has set aside for you.”
Samir, Some in UBF might say that the Holy Spirit led you to UBF so that you can humble yourself, die to yourself, deny yourself and trust God and his servants in UBF to provide the best possible spouse for you in all the universe!
Right Ben! So, if we’re tossing out scripture to create a hagiography, isn’t it just as valid for me to say the Spirit led me to UBF to learn the truth about cults and trust God instead of an organization?
…seriously though, what is the basis of the assumption that UBFs authority is always God-ordained?
Or… the Spirit led you to UBF to challenge missionaries to repent of their Confucianity. But they hardened their hearts and refused to listen.
Not only is it a singular example in the Bible against the Biblical “normal” that everybody should choose their own spouse – but actually that example doesn’t even support UBF practice. First, the spouse was not chosen by some “spiritual leader” of Isaac, but by the father of Isaac. UBF does not let the parents of members decide whom they marry, but let their directors decide, often against the will of the parents. Second, if you look more carefully, Abraham did not even choose a spouse for Isaac, but he let God decide through the “camel test”. Rebecca was not chosen because she was particularly “spiritual” or the favorite of Abraham, but simply because she offered water to a stranger, i.e. she was generous and gentle. The situation was completely open. Any other woman could have also offered water to the servant of Abraham, but only Rebecca did it. That was her quality, and not her loyalty to some cult or hours of Bible study. Also, when she was asked to marry, there was no pressure of a spiritual authority telling her to do so. Plus, she went with the blessing of her own family while, again, in UBF people are often married against the will of the parents. So not only is this a singular example from OT times and not the norm (neither in OT nor in NT times), but even this singular example does not correspond to the practice of UBF at all.
Really good observations Chris! Yes UBFism is riddled with contradictions. Their KOPAHN doctrines are loosely proof-texted mandates.
The other major contradiction, which we’ve discussed before but bears repeating, is this: UBF shepherds/shepherdesses are required to go through arranged marriage, but THE example of faith is S Barry, who chose celibacy.
For all the ubf students out there reading this, tell that to your Bible teacher at ubf: I believe God is calling me to be celibate. Then watch your shepherd either laugh hysterically or explode in anger.
Another perspective!
Having a wife who came from Korea (yes, please pray for me) I discovered what I only heard hints of.
The truth is that MBF is so important (or was) because so many of the missionaries and shepherds became such poor spouse candidates. I know of two missionaries who married and both of them as last resorts. Neither of them did anything to prepare for marriage.
The woman was so ornery and such a pain (and rejected many men) that dr lee “married her” to the biggest pushover you could ever meet.
My wife told me of how older shepherdesses in korea felt sad they didn’t get married, and how some actually became bitter and left when the pastor of Yunhee didn’t marry them.
It’s all about control. They sell a “vision” of perfect living, but what you actually get is leftovers and in every step the pastor secures power.
When I married by faith, the only prayer for the other three shepherds in our ministry was that they too would marry by faith. And since I married by faith, I was then qualified to serve every third message (pragmatic in extreme, what a shortcut to less burden and an apperance of growth).
The prayer for others to marry went with every sermon, every worship service, every meal, every meeting. Every time people prayed, they prayed for them to marry by faith.
I begged my Bible teacher to understand the others and not pressure them, but he still insisted on cornering one of them to press him into it.
Not surprisingly, after he went to Korea, he was eager to stay away and never moved back.
Actually, all three shepherds left our ministry, and two of them have left UBF completely.
The pressure was external and pragmatic and manipulative in every way.
And what was said of the others who left? They didn’t “have faith.” They didn’t “acknowledge God’s work.”
I was just a pawn, a token shepherd to show the world, and no one really cared about anyone.
God forgive me for letting myself be used like that.
And the only good thing was, shortly before I left, when I had a sit down with the chapter director, he acknowledged that that wasn’t a good idea. He felt zero regret, though.
Thanks, Mr. C. From reading what you write I believe God gave you gifts of healthy introspection, reflection and contemplation, which you articulate amicably and poignantly.
Such control and power plays are what most distresses me: “It’s all about control. They sell a “vision” of perfect living, but … in every step the pastor secures power.”
“I was just a pawn, a token shepherd to show the world, and no one really cared about anyone.”-Mr. C.
Wow, it’s really interesting to hear about marriage from the male perspective. I agree with you Samir, that MBF is not Biblical, despite the innocuous nomenclature. Why should a God fearing man be denied the natural desire to marry a God-fearing woman, which as you pointed out was not a carnal desire, but a desire for wisdom?
MBF bore fruit, I’m one of them;) But there were times when it was “external, pragmatic and manipulative,” even political to a degree, one could even say racial and hierarchical.
I am glad that you found a church where you were not coerced to marry a certain way. I am glad the Bible Studies brought liberation. I am sad that men were/continue to be (even in year 2016) discouraged to date. It breeds a sort of spinelessness in men and a weird sense of marriage as a reward for righteous behavior. Also, it makes marriage unnecessarily/unwisely difficult if the husband and wife do not know each other at all before they marry.
Christian men should pray and trust the Holy Spirit in their choices of future spouses. They can take advice from their mentors, but the mentors are not meant to take the place of God. Christian women should also pray and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.
It’s weird how dating is demonized. For example, sometimes it is really hard for a family to accept their daughter/sons choice in spouse, but they have to learn to accept it. They have to learn to trust and respect their child’s choice. That’s a part of healthy emotional maturity. It’s difficult. My siblings have dated some very interesting characters, but you learn to accept it and trust God.
Thanks, MJ, you took the words right out of my mouth: “I am sad that men were/continue to be (even in year 2016) discouraged to date. It breeds a sort of spinelessness in men and a weird sense of marriage as a reward for righteous behavior. They can take advice from their mentors, but the mentors are not meant to take the place of God.”
Thanks for the article Dr. Ben. I feel like we go to great lengths to show MBF is not biblical, both pragmatically and scripturally as you have shown.
I think it is fairly obvious to any Christian with at least basic Christian teaching that this is correct. What we find true, of course, is that UBF very subtly confuses terms in such away that true statements are in fact false, and false in fact true.
I believe it is our heavy task to guard those against this confusion by grounding them in reality.
How absolutely unreasonable is it that after thousands of years, UBF *found* the once lost secret to making marriage for God, in faith. How outrageous it that a mere man that you may have known for a few months might have the power to choose for you a partner *forever*. How absurd is it, that our obedience to God (which wavers) be tied to an irrevocable action which is unwavering.
The total unnaturalness of arranged marriage is a sign that it is *not* from above. It is no gift. At best it is a curse made into a blessing through God’s infinite grace. “For you attempted to harm me but God saw it for good, through the saving of many lives.”
“It breeds a sort of spinelessness in men…”
Thank you, MJ,
Truer words have never been spoken!!!
Have a blessed New Year!
Spinelessness in men? What about spinelessness in women?
“…seriously though, what is the basis of the assumption that UBFs authority is always God-ordained?”
This is a very good point Hertoa made
I wish people would think about this logic consistently in other areas then only “Churches”
People say we should obey the United States government if we live in a certain geographic region because it is “ordained by God” but just because people say the government is ordained does it really mean it is ordained, if there was another contender in the same region and the two gave contradictory commands should we also take the contenders claim that it is a government “ordained by God” also. Should we just believe anyone claiming they represent a government ordained by God and take them at their word.
Obeying Romans 13 is laughable if we just take people’s word that anything people claim is a government “ordained by God” is ordained by God.
The burden of proof is on those who claim the United States or any other institution is ordained by God not on those who claim the possibility that they might not necessarily be ordained by God.
In fact if someone says some ministry or government is ordained by God and then refuses to explain why we should believe that and just tells us to do stuff, I am going to assume they probably are not ordained by God and are doing evil works controlling people contrary to the will of a God with a rational understandable moral code.