Picture: Elias Izoli, Untitled
“There is such terrible darkness within me, as if everything was dead… I do not know how deeper will this trial go — how much pain and suffering it will bring to me. This does not worry me any more. I leave this to Him as I leave everything else. Let Him do with me whatever He wants as He wants for as long as He wants if my darkness is light to some soul.”- Mother Theresa
Darkness. Depression. Mental Illness. Brokenness. Frailty. Error. Uncertainty. These are words and ideas we repress and shove deep inside the trunks for our heart. These are parts of us that we are too afraid acknowledge. This quote from Mother Theresa is brutally honest because she does not claim that there is no darkness. She acknowledges it but does not allow it to consume her. To pretend it doesn’t exist would be a lie, but to say that hope doesn’t exist is also a lie.
The beauty (or curse) of being human is the dualism of our nature. We aspire loftily to that which is pure, excellent, beautiful, yet we are confined to bodies which release unpleasant substances and odors and eventually inevitably disintegrate. We are both body and spirit. This is the dilemma of being human. How can I bear both the Imago Dei and the sinfulness of flesh? Shall I go on pretending as though my flesh does not exist? What would it be like if we embraced our weakness and our physicality? What would it be like if, as a church, we corporately accepted our humanity?
In Ann Voskamp’s exemplary article on Huffington Post, What the Church and Christians need to know about Suicide and Mental Health, she shares the prayer she wishes that the church would pray and shout to each other until they are hoarse:
“We won’t give you some cliche — but something to cling to — and that will mean our hands. We won’t give you some platitudes — but some place for your pain — and that will mean our time. We won’t give you some excuses — but we’ll be some example — and that will mean bending down and washing your wounds. Wounds that we don’t understand, wounds that keep festering, that don’t heal, that down right stink — wounds that can never make us turn away. Because we are the Body of the Wounded Healer and we are the people who believe the impossible — that wounds can be openings to the beauty in us.”
“Wounds we don’t understand.” Ironically, for me, the most healing time, is when people stop trying to heal me. When people stop trying to fix me, that’s when the Lord rolls up His sleeves and starts his healing surgery. When I share my issues with fellow Christians often they reply with, “Well maybe you should pray more or fast or read your Bible more.” It makes me want to scream. What I really want is a sounding board, empathy, not sympathy.
To ignore our unhealed wounds is to over realize our eschatology. Yes, victory is won. Yes we have received salvation, but we are still on the road of sanctification and to invalidate weakness is to reject the theology of sanctification.
Voskamp continues to share how depression is a cancer of the mind. She writes, “You don’t shame cancer, you treat cancer. You don’t treat those with hurting insides as less than. You give them the most treatment.”
Depression is not a foreign concept to me. It has greatly affected my family with attempted suicides and eating disorders. It is a constant plague. And I will not act as though everything is good and perfect because it is not. Often times depression comes along with guilt and shame as if I did something wrong. But depression is not because of my personal sin. “It is a sign that this world is fallen. . . that we all have sinned.”
While talking to my small group we mentioned the relapses in alcohol and cigarettes and depression and suicidal thoughts. We asked the question, “Why?” Why do we continue to do what we hate? Why are we so weak to the temptations of flesh? I don’t know what the answer is, but I have a hunch it is in our DNA. We spoke about how even if anyone says they are without sin, they are lying. “To err is human.” Sin is the essence of humanity. We will never escape it. So should we give up trying? Well, maybe our goal isn’t sin management, but a relationship with God our Father. Maybe the issue isn’t the distance we have fallen from our Father, but the direction of where we look. Will we look down or up?
I don’t know how to solve depression. I don’t know what the perfect meds are or the magical mantra that will cause my personal rain cloud to dissipate. I wish I knew. I urge God to speed up the healing process, so that the pain would numb. For now, my therapy is writing, getting my emotions on paper, the hate, the anger, the frustration, the disappointment, the unfulfilled yearning that will never be fully satisfied on this side of earth. I let it all out and I let Him know. This is the beauty of the covenant relationship of God. Nothing we could do would ever make him step away from his commitment to us. This is how he loves us. What would happen if we extended some of this covenantal love to our fellow brothers and sister suffering with wounds we don’t understand and wounds that we cannot fix?
The soundtrack to this post is All the Poor and Powerless
Depression is another taboo topic that people tend to dismiss or shy away from. Yet we need to discuss this topic.
“I don’t know how to solve depression.”
In dealing with my own depression I discovered two amazing realities. One is that depression is not something to be solved (contrary to my engineering mind!). Depression is something to be felt. Learning to remove my fear of such emotions, and actually embracing them was a helpful part of my journey.
Then I discovered an even more amazing reality. When I honestly looked for the cause of my depression, I found it. In my case, UBFism was the cause of my depression. I have been depression-free ever since I chucked UBF out of my life!
I still have a range of emotions–but that deep, dark, almost evil sense that clouded my mind for so many years is completely gone.
(the soundtrack to this comment is Daughtry, Over you)
“Depression is not something to be solved… Depression is something to be felt.”
I never thought of it that way. For so long it’s been taught that there’s something wrong with you. Like John 9 all over again. Whose fault is this? It’s really no one’s fault. And blaming the victim does nothing to help. I’m still seeking out people who accept me as I am without trying to sugar coat everything I say. With certain people I have to mince my words and I cannot be completely honest because I feel judged. But I’m glad to have this outlet here. Thanks!
“There is such terrible darkness within me, as if everything was dead… I do not know how deeper will this trial go — how much pain and suffering it will bring to me. This does not worry me any more. I leave this to Him as I leave everything else. Let Him do with me whatever He wants as He wants for as long as He wants if my darkness is light to some soul.”- Mother Theresa
I love this quote by Mother Theresa. I particularly resonate energetically with the concept of allowing one’s darkness to serve as light to some other soul. I allow for the dark cloud UBF has cast over my family for leaving UBF to serve as a mighty light to guide many souls to God outside of the UBF infrastructure. I would rather endure that momentary darkness to have God liberate countless souls from the torment of UBF leadership. I write this as I feel very energetically attacked by UBF leadership at this point in my life. I recognize that UBF leaders are not happy with the fact that I am voicing my opinion about what is wrong with UBF leadership. I recognize that UBF leadership is terrified of my voice and what I have to speak up about against the dictatorship of Pastor Ron Ward and other church officials who lord their pastorship over church attendees with despotic force. I pray that God may break the bondage of UBF attendees to their church leaders who wield a fiery sword infused with the lies of Satan regarding what constitutes a correct Christian.
Lightness. Euphoria. Mental wellness. Cohesiveness. Strength. Correctness. Certainty. These are the liberative powers that UBF leadership does not wish for UBF attendees to obtain. UBF would rather keep attendees in a debilitating depression so that they live in fear of UBF leadership. I pray that God may smite the minds of these UBF leaders who tyrannically oppress the lives of thousands if not millions of former and current members. I know that my God is a just God and has more power than UBF can fathom. My God has the power to inflict terrible mental illness on all UBF leaders who do not stop energetically attacking my family, my extended family, and the families of people He loves and I love equally. I refuse to accept the lie that hope does not exist. God has shown me so much hope in my own life in the ability to break away from UBF leadership. I refuse to bow down before the idol of UBF leadership. I ask that God would smite this idolatrous relationship UBF leaders lord over UBF attendees both former and current. I accept the reality that hope exists and I will fight for this hope until the day I die with my righteous and jealous God at my side.
What would it be like if, as a church, we corporately accepted our humanity?
I personally think we can accept that we are sinful, however we can also accept that we are wonderfully made by God and that his grace is already present in our lives regardless of whether we choose to accept it or not. There is an element of God’s grace that we can choose to accept or refuse, however I firmly believe that portion of grace is far different from the expansive grace God already gifted us and we have access to at all times to liberate us from the chains of sinful slavery. Therefore, I believe there is no point in pretending the flesh does not exist. To live this way is to live a lie. It is okay to embrace our weakness and our physicality so long as we continue to stay grounded in the fact that those do not determine our identity but rather our identity is rooted in God’s all consuming grace that already liberated us from our sins since birth. I believe that corporately accepting humanity is a great idea, however one must be careful to not slide into the groupthink mentality because one person’s perception of humanity can be drastically different from another person’s idea of humanity. Therefore, as a church it is great if there is a consensus on acceptance of humanity revolving around a certain principle of that humaneness, however I think at the end of the day it is still an individual relationship with God that must be furnished with whichever unique understanding one has with his/her higher power (God for me).
I believe that when it comes to mental illness the most important factor is empathy. I believe this is what Voskamp alludes to with the imagery of hands that can be clung onto. This evokes for me an image of being nurtured and loved, which is what empathy supplies emotionally–a sense of being nurtured and deeply cared for. I believe UBF leadership is full of platitudes, however lacks a place for nurturing those in pain, especially those struggling to accept their sexual identities. Therefore, as real Christians outside of UBF leadership (or within UBF the organization for the select few) we can give our time to those who are suffering from grave emotional disorders and heal them through listening empathetically and offering empathetic words of support. Unlike UBF leadership, this means for real Christians bending down and washing wounds out of true humility that God instills in us who have the capacity to do great things through the liberative gospel.
I totally agree with your words, Maria, that ignorance of unhealed wounds is an invalidation of weakness and thus a refutation of God’s sanctification. Depression is no foreign concept to me either. I have clinical depression and have been clinically depressed since age 15 when I was beginning heavier involvement with UBF as an HBF member. I have struggled with suicidal ideation because of the improper nurturing from UBF leadership. I have struggled with having a sense of self worth to propel me out of a depressive state because of the way UBF taught me that it was my own fault for being depressed because I had a sin problem. That is the least fucking empathetic response I have ever heard to someone who has depression. You do not tell people who are clinically depressed that they are correct to feel that down because they are sinful. That is not helpful and jeopardizes the mental health of someone who could be on the verge of hopelessness and suicide. Nothing is good, nothing is perfect when it comes to mental health in UBF. It is not fair for UBF leadership to impose guilt and shame on people for having any beliefs that are too radical for their own feeble minded understanding. Depression is a sign that UBF has sinned in my opinion. Depression is a sign that UBF leadership has fallen away from Christ and is satanically possessed. Depression is a sign that UBF leadership is so wrapped up in the tyranny of sin that it cannot see the wrong of its own ways.
I believe that there is such a thing as having a healthy relationship with certain drugs like alcohol and marijuana. I empathize with wanting to stop doing drugs, Maria, however I believe that there needs to be more of a macro focus on the fact that you are not a bad person simply because you have done Drug A or Drug B. Yes certain drugs can worsen depression and suicidal thoughts when done in excess. That is why they are so detrimental. However, I also believe that certain beliefs (in the form of thoughts) regarding drugs can be just as detrimental in causing depression and suicidal thoughts. Maybe a relationship with God our Father would reveal that he is a lot less condemning than UBF leadership wants us to believe. Maybe that relationship would reveal that UBF is actually only concerned with having all that money from drugs and alcohol going to them instead of for one’s own purposes. Maybe there is nothing wrong with using alcohol and certain drugs in moderation such as marijuana (which is medically legalized I may add). Sin management is not even possible in my opinion. I believe that instead of such a focus on sin management we can instead have a focus on how close we feel to our Father who protects us from the critical self-judgments about our sins. We truly are our own worst critics and God is not as condemning as we are to ourselves. I believe in looking up to God and not wasting my time looking down at the wrongs of my sins all my life. I choose to relegate the power of sin management to God to let me know when I have done something sinful as opposed to taking it upon myself to choose when I believe something is too sinful or not sinful enough according to arbitrary metrics.
I don’t know how to solve depression either, but I know that there are therapists and psychiatrists out there who can help people struggling with grave emotional disorders. I believe that the shame UBF leadership imposes on people like me who have sought out psychotherapy and a psychiatrist should only be shame on their own feeble minds. I don’t know what the magical meds are for you, Maria, but for me there are medications that help manage my depression and I have no shame in admitting that for the whole UBF world to see. There are antidepressant medications that save lives and research proves their efficacy and there is simply an umbrella of fear that UBF leadership creates for all former and current members to live under whereby they fear that medications push them further away from God when in reality these medications are healing depression and are therefore pulling them closer and closer to the love God actually has for us. I have no shame in admitting that I have been seeing a therapist weekly since mid 2013 and a psychiatrist since 2013. These supports have been remarkable in helping me manage a balanced mood in the past two years and in cultivating a deeper relationship with my own God as opposed to using solely street drugs and alcohol to resolve emotional pains. Maria, I do not think that the point is to have your pain numb. I think the point is to feel the pain in a manageable sense, which may or may not be possible as a member under the umbrella of UBF leadership. I do pray though for God to aid you in your healing process and to allow you to fully experience your painful emotions in a way that makes sense and brings mental clarity. Also, I believe that writing is very therapeutic and is something my own therapist encourages me to do. I believe the process of getting thoughts down from your mind onto paper and emoting through that process is very beneficial for recovery from any mental illness. I empathize with your pain, Maria, as someone who has struggled with major depressive disorder myself and as someone who sees a therapist for it and a psychiatrist for it. I pray that God can connect you with the right social and emotional supports. I also pray that God can utilize your writing process to heal you emotionally and energetically from this debilitating disease that is depression. I ask this prayer for everyone that we can all be healed by God’s grace that wants us to be deeply loved and liberated by the light of the gospel rather than ruled by the crippling depression of Satan (including how Satan works through UBF leadership).
“Lightness. Euphoria. Mental wellness. Cohesiveness. Strength. Correctness. Certainty. These are the liberative powers that UBF leadership does not wish for UBF attendees to obtain. UBF would rather keep attendees in a debilitating depression so that they live in fear of UBF leadership.”
Really eloquent, John! I came to that same conclusion a while back. Such enlightenment showed me that UBFism was the cause of my depression. Part of my healing was to deconstruct UBFism in my books.
“However, I also believe that certain beliefs (in the form of thoughts) regarding drugs can be just as detrimental in causing depression and suicidal thoughts. Maybe a relationship with God our Father would reveal that he is a lot less condemning than UBF leadership wants us to believe.”
Wow, I never thought that certain beliefs about drugs can be detrimental in of themselves, but I agree with you.
This journey of getting to know God is quite exciting. Right now, I’m grappling with the concepts of God’s holiness and beauty. Who is this God we serve who calls us fallen humans, holy and beautiful? Learning that God is not disappointed with me has been one of the most liberating lessons that I am still re-learning. Have you read “The Cure” by John Lynch? He shares about our wrong views of who God is. He talks about the vicious cycle of sin management which is not what Christianity is about.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, John. You are very eloquent and encouraging. I greatly appreciate your taking the time to read my thoughts and comment!
interesting article:
http://www.salon.com/2014/11/01/the_sad_twisted_truth_about_conservative_christianitys_effect_on_the_mind_partner/
Great article mark, thanks for sharing.
I love this quote:
“The purveyors of religion insist that their product is so powerful it can transform a life, but somehow, magically, it has no risks. In reality, when a medicine is powerful, it usually has the potential to be toxic, especially in the wrong combination or at the wrong dose. And religion is powerful medicine!”
That is an interesting article. Thank you for sharing. I believe that Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) exists. But I don’t believe that Christianity is to blame. At the end of the article the author says,
“What is the sum cost of having millions of people holding to a misogynist, authoritarian, fear-based supernatural view of the universe?. . . Even helping professionals largely perceive Christianity as benign. This will need to change for treatment methods to be developed and people to get help that allows them to truly reclaim their lives.”
Yes, Church History has a lot of ugly parts. And yes the church has caused a lot of harm, but I wouldn’t shift the blame from the victim to Christianity. Christianity doesn’t equate abuse, misogynism, authoritarianism or fear.
The author, John Loftus, of the book on which that article is based, “Christianity is not great; How faith fails” focuses on the harm caused by Christianity. And He says that with faith as a foundation, anything can be believed or denied. That is truly dangerous. But I don’t agree. There are things that are wrong and there are wrong ways to use the Bible. I don’t think it’s Christianity that causes harm; it’s people, regardless of their religion or lack of religion. People hurt people.
I agree generalizing against Christianity isn’t the answer, but recognizing dangerous tendencies (like megalomania, financial hoarding, etc among leaders or groups) could avoid damaged lives
MJ I think those are valid points. I would counter with saying that although Christianity is not fully to blame, Christianity is not innocent.
There have arisen numerous ideologies in Christian thought that are harmful. In my book, The Lambhearted Lion, I expound on three big areas Christianity has failed in our generation. So yes I do blame Christianity for these three big failures.
For example: “What is new creation ideology? The ideas go like this: “You are broken. You are so broken, in fact, that your situation is hopeless. You stand legally and rightly condemned by God as a sinner. You cannot escape. God is justified in punishing you forever. But I have good news for you. There is a way to become a new creation and avoid the wrath of God. All you have to do is accept Jesus as your personal Savior. Jesus paid the price for your sins and if you are thankful for that sacrifice, you will be spared eternal punishment.” pg. 15
I quote Pope Francis as well:
“In regard to ideologies in the church, I applaud Pope Francis’ recent comments: “When a Christian becomes a disciple of the ideology, he has lost the faith: he is no longer a disciple of Jesus, he is a disciple of this attitude of thought,” Francis said, according to Radio Vatican.” pg.18
Christianity is very much to blame for psychological damage. The Christianity we inherited in our generation is not the same as the Christianity of yesteryear.
When I try to find a new church, I always am made to feel as if I must be a “new creation”, that is, I must fit into the creation that church wants me to be. But when I meet Christians outside the church, I feel as if we don’t have to adhere to the “new creation” hodge-podge of ideals.
So I plan to remain outside the church gates the rest of my life.
Brian, I can relate. You make me think what church should be: gathering to worship, fellowship, etc; however it often takes on a life of it’s own: becoming a club with it’s own agenda or pursuits
Interesting, how Pope Francis makes a distinction between being a disciple of the ideology (was he alluding to Christianity here?) versus a disciple of Jesus. I never separated the two before.
But today in chapel the speaker was talking about the separation between good theology and a sound life. One can have the right theology, but not live it out. This is a very very scary thought. For example, new creation ideology can be correct theologically/biblically, but at the end of the day it is an ideology. And it has caused harm.
“The Pope expresses what I want to say more brilliantly than I could: ‘The faith passes, so to speak, through a distiller and becomes ideology. And ideology does not beckon [people]. In ideologies there is not Jesus: in his tenderness, his love, his meekness. And ideologies are rigid, always. Of every sign: rigid. And when a Christian becomes a disciple of the ideology, he has lost the faith: he is no longer a disciple of Jesus, he is a disciple of this attitude of thought… For this reason Jesus said to them: ‘You have taken away the key of knowledge.’ The knowledge of Jesus is transformed into an ideological and also moralistic knowledge, because these close the door with many requirements.’
The weak, sin-focused ideological messages I’ve heard from the church have little to do with Christ and have become a cancer to the body of Christ. When we preach such messages to the LGBTQIA community, our gospel messages are exposed as incredibly faulty. If there is any corrective gay people can bring to the church, I say it is forcing a correction to the gospel of brokenness and the correction of the ideology of becoming a new creation. We do change when we meet Christ, but new creation ideology is flawed.”
pg. 18, The LambheartedLion
“One can have the right theology, but not live it out. This is a very very scary thought.”
That is also a liberating thought! The pressure to have the right theology was removed at the cross. #hereticsrejoice