A Facebook friend posted this article that caught my attention and got me thinking: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. My first question was, “Do I have any of these five regrets?” I don’t exactly know why but my very next question was, “Would UBF people have these regrets?” Before I answer these questions, here are the top five regrets of the dying:
- I wish I had followed my dreams and done what I truly wanted.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I had expressed my feelings more often.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish I had made more time in my life for nonsense and laughter.
I hope this does not come off in an off putting way, but when my wife and I saw these five regrets we both blurted out spontaneously and simultaneously: “Wow, we don’t have any of these five regrets” (even after taking into account that I have been in UBF for the last 36 years since 1980 when I became a Christian). So briefly, my responses to these five regrets of the dying are:
- No regret: I followed my dreams. I came to the U.S. from Malaysia against all odds, and I started a new UBF church plant (if you can call it that) and started preaching regularly and often weekly in my 50s! Most of all I married perhaps the only person in the world who could put up with me and not leave me.
- No regret: I did not work too hard. Rather, I often feel that I am lazy, not well disciplined, don’t accomplish as much as I want or should, and definitely not working as hard as I want or should.
- No regret: I express myself, my feelings and my opinions–maybe too much. As a choleric person, I have very little problem expressing what I wish to express, regardless of the disapproval and dislike, chiding and chastisement of others.
- No regret: I’m staying in touch/reconnecting with family and old friends. I began doing this over the past decade, which has been such a joy and delight. I did not prior to that because I thought it was God’s will that I “leave my country, my people and my father’s household” (Gen 12:1).
- No regret: I love nonsense and laughter–maybe/probably too much! At a recent wedding address I said, “The family that laughs together lasts forever.” Whenever something makes me really angry and upset, I will try to find something or some angle that is really silly and ridiculous so that I can laugh about it rather than be remaining incensed, indignant and irritated. I’ve often said, “I would rather laugh until my stomach hurts, rather than that hurt myself by hitting the ceiling.”
The above does not mean that I take nothing seriously, or that I blurt out everything I feel. So obviously there can be much further elaboration and expansion of my brief abbreviated comments above.
What about my second spontaneous question: “Would UBF people have there regrets?” I don’t think so, and here’s why:
- No regret. UBF thinks that you should not follow your dream and do what you want because because you must deny your dream and follow God’s mission.
- No regret. UBF thinks that not only should you work very very hard, but that you should work even harder than hard for God and God’s mission.
- No regret. UBF thinks you must not freely and honestly express yourself because you must deny yourself and die to yourself every day like Jesus.
- No regret. UBF thinks you must cut off your own family and friends (unless they are in UBF) so that you can become a part of God’s family.
- No regret. UBF thinks that God’s mission is very serious and not a laughing matter. There is clearly no place for nonsense like enjoying your cat or your favorite Olympic event, especially when there is a UBF conference that you must seriously work hard and prepare for.
It seems that both I and UBF have no regrets, but for sharply contrasting reasons. What about you? Do you have any regrets? Do those you know/knew in UBF have any of these five regrets?
I do know that, in at least one case, a UBF leader expressed regret at the end of his life. On his deathbed, he noticed that the two disciples he had raised (his two Abrahams of faith) didn’t have much to say to him. They couldn’t connect to him emotionally even when he was terminally ill. He realized that something was fundamentally wrong. The UBF plan of discipleship had not produced loving, well rounded, emotionally mature human beings.
Oh yes, I do remember this. And yes, it’s quite sad, really. This one account reflects a very serious major problem in UBF that has not been addressed in any significant way: it is sub-optimal relationships, which are NOT trinitarian or incarnational or intimately relational.
Until this changes, nothing much will change. Sorry for coming off as such a sourpuss pessimist.
We already discussed regrets and Godly sorrow. I shared my peace.
http://rsqubf.livejournal.com/147520.html
UBFism has this “no regrets” trap.
Wow, thanks for sharing that link, BrianK.
I regret not opening my home to one of my friends who needed a place to stay because the Director said that only girls who studied the Bible could stay at the “common house” (which I lived in and paid the rent for.)
I regret Bible bashing my Muslim friends with the 4th commandment when they couldn’t come to church on Sunday.
I regret waking my “common life” roommate at 6 am to do daily bread with us when she worked night shift until 5 am.
I regret never saying no to the Director, to the conferences, to the guilt tripping, to calling my friends to get them to come to conferences, even though that’s the only time the Director called them.
I regret bringing my friend to a counseling session with the Director and he told her 1 Cor 5:11 to her face saying, “I will never sit at a table with you.”
I regret not thinking for myself and always asking for permission even to leave the city because I might miss SWS and not going on a trip abroad because the Director said I had no 1:1’s that week, even though I had the money for the trip.
I regret sitting silently as the Director called my family dirty and would inspect my bathroom and day the toilet was dirty.
I regret sitting silently as he bashed the NIV version of the Bible as a conspiracy that the Bible translators were trying to soften the message of the gospel and KJV was the only real version.
I regret letting him in my house every morning for daily bread, and going to those testimony sharing meetings on Saturday for hours and Sunday.
I regret being a spineless lapdog and waiting hand and foot and beck and call for every directive my “Pastor” gave.
I regret not setting down boundaries. I regret trying to force my friends to come to a ministry that they disliked and yet I couldn’t get out of.
I regret sitting through the jokes about my weight when I was overweight, and then how when I lost weight I was just looking for a husband.
I regret numbing my conscience and mindlessly accepting and eating everything I heard.
I regret never speaking up.
And yet, I wouldn’t go back and change it.
Those lessons have made me the person I am today.
They have motivated me to dive into scripture deeper, to learn the history, culture, and context of the text.
They have taught me to value my relationships.
And now my relationships are so much sweeter because I know what a sucky relationship is.
Now I know what abuse looks like.
And I have seen the ugly side of the church.
My years in those chapter were a mix of the good, bad and ugly.
There were definitely ugly parts, but learning the language, learning about Islam, learning independence and self-reliance, living in a new country at the age of 18, learning the culture, learning middle-eastern hospitality, those were the beautiful parts.
And even though the Director was crazy he was really smart and he taught me a lot about logical fallacies and debating. I also loved his kids and his wife. Also one of my favorite memories was going to an Elderly home on Christmas day. That was when the meaning of Christmas meant the most to me.
There was a lot of pain, but it brought me to where I am today and in it all I am thankful.
The more I hear about that ‘missionary’ the more I just shake my head. I’m so sorry that you had to suffer under a sociopathic asshat. It’s also good that it wasn’t a total loss and you can see the silver lining in that situation. Lord have mercy.
Perhaps it is because I am no longer in UBF, but I as well have regrets.
I regret the way I was made to view friends and family. I was told that my relationships in this world were meaningless. I began to feel guilty for spending any time with the people I love. Every conversation had to be about Bible study, every interaction about recruitment. I started making plans to completely cut myself off.
I regret allowing my time to be put in bondage. I passed up good, even godly, opportunities for the sake of making Sunday worship “absolutely”. I collected countless hours of theologically questionable Bible study notes that are now completely worthless. I wrote hundreds of pages of testimonies, often two per week, that did nothing to benefit me spiritually and everything to conform me to the group. I willingly put up with emotional onslaught for every rebuke, every Friday testimony sharing meeting, every conference, and even told myself that it was my fault I was disturbed. I spent thousands of dollars of my own money, as an undergraduate, to leave my family and spend my summer living in the “common life”.
I regret endorsing an abusive organization. I sang the praises of UBF, all the while oblivious to the truth of its unbiblical practices. I taught UBF theology to half a dozen people in Bible studies. I listened to person after person talk about the things they were being manipulated to do and chose to side with their shepherds.
I regret being in UBF, more than anything, because of the distress I brought upon my parents and my extended family.
But I am also thankful for being in UBF. I’m thankful because I am now educated about cults and manipulative relationships. I’m thankful because now I have the opportunity to help others who are suffering. I’m thankful because, somehow, God has ultimately used this experience to bring me closer to Him.