Forests Proposes A Toast

dSeeing as I was in such a rush to have dinner with Ben Toh, I failed to give a toast to my roommate and Ben West. I have chosen to present my toast a few days late and a dollar short. I have posted it on the internet because nothing that is put on the internet can die. It’s kinda like Jesus in a way- except with way more pornography. Without further adieu I present my toast:

(The scene is the wedding reception of my roommate Ben. Exactly 77 people are in the room. I know because I set up the tables. About 3/4s look like they are Korean or some kind of Asian. People are sipping on their bottled water. Two men are the front of the room. One is well dressed and incredibly handsome; he has a smile from ear to ear. He has the look a man who has been waiting for this moment for months. The other man is Ben West. The man looks raises his water bottle with a devilish grin and begins speaking in a thunderous voice.)

“I cannot imagine the lapse in good reason that allowed a captive audience and a mic to come into my hand, but seeing as I now have it, I will use this opportunity to be “a great blessing”. For those of you unaware I have been Ben’s roommate for nearly a year. I have learned a great deal from him. We both have a lot in common: we both are analytical, we both practice martial arts, we both prefer our drinks soft not hard. In short he is what we might call a man after my own heart. When I met this man I was highly confused as to who resurrected Anton LaVey, but he slowly grew on me. We have had many adventures, like the time we went to carnival and I got to see him dance. I was concerned why nobody informed me of his epilepsy. Or perhaps the time we went fishing and I won a foot race with a girl to get her email for one to one bible study.

Nothing tops my favorite moment, which came when he discovered I had slowly been transferring all his pencils from his room to my room one by one for months- for no reason whatsoever. One thing I want to share about Ben that you, Rebekah, will find interesting is he has a rather long list of baby names already made. He chose what appears to be the whole 1 Chronicles line up. I expect to shortly see Jephunneh, Pispah, and Eber West. As you all know he plans on having 7 children. He is a quiver full kinda guy. My prayer for Ben is that he names one in the middle something totally normal. Johnson West. Or better yet Kanye. I know everyone over the age of 50, which is like half the room doesn’t remotely understand that. But just know it’s funny. When little Kanye asks why he isn’t a part of any of the biblical genealogy, my suggestion is to tell him “I will tell you when you are older.” And then just to keep the suspense, don’t tell him. On your death Ben he will ask “Why am I named Kanye.” And you will say “Because God answers Michael’s prayers.” And just leave it like that. That is unless you are taken straight to heaven like Enoch because of your great obedience to Jesus’ mission command.

As for Rebekah. My interaction with Rebekah has been quite limited. She is surly a woman of God. When I think about Rebekah the first word that comes to mind is “Kind”. She has a kind heart like Jesus. She is quick to forgive and forget. She is a devoted bible teacher and I have nothing but kind wishes for her and her home. This toast is surely to you Ben and Rebekah. I hope one day you can attend my wedding. I hope you got me a wedding card as good the one I got you. It’s a secret to you. But just make sure you open it and not Rebekah.

Let me pray

God abundantly bless these two coworkers as they start their new house church. Use this Abraham and Sarah of Faith to pioneer any campus you would have them pioneer as they fulfill your world mission command to make American a kingdom of priests and a holy nation. Bless this marriage by faith and use it to your glory. I ask that you raise up many shepherds and bible teachers through one to one bible study and discipleship ministry. In all these things I pray. Amen.


  1. Hi forests,

    I’m not sure how to react to this… so I’ll just share my feelings.

    – First of all I clicked dislike, just because my gut reaction was that I had a bad taste from reading this, not sure why exactly. Maybe it is the ending prayer.

    – One thing I am glad for is that you’ve done something to connect part of an arrange marriage event with the public. That is my ultimate goal– to bring ubf events into the light of public scrutiny and to raise worldwide awareness.

    – I find most of your toast to be hilariously funny. Most people in your audience would likely just sit there in silence or laugh nervously because they have almost no clue as to what you are saying.

    – Your prayer at the end brings back PTSD symptoms :) And I would need a double-shot of Vodka or a heavy dose of Kraken Rum to listen to those kinds of prayers ever again.

  2. forestsfailyou

    The Antwon Lavay comment was an inside joke between me and him. He resembled him closely when he was bald. His beliefs do not match.

  3. Anton LaVey was the love child of Aleister Crowley and Ayn Rand.

    • Thanks Schwinn (where’d you get that nickname from?)

      LaVey is an interesting read… and yes indeed he was influenced by Crowley and Rand among others. I may compare the church of Satan’s teachings with ubf teachings some day.

  4. This is Paul in Columbus! The nickname is the brand of my adult tricycle.

    • Hi Paul! I thought that was you based on your link in your profile to your blog. But wasn’t sure if you wanted to remain anonymous. In any case, welcome!