What Are Friends For?
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Pr 27:17).
At a recent breakfast with a group of Christian men, one person offered this verse as an illustration of how believers ought to have fellowship with one another. Real friendship, he suggested, is not merely for relaxing and enjoying one another’s company; it is also for holding one another accountable and telling one another the hard truths that we all need to hear.
Accountability is certainly needed. And who can dispute the importance of telling anyone the hard truths that they need to hear?
My “Worst” Humiliation
Humiliation is very difficult to talk about. Perhaps, some ex-UBFers who share “abuses” that they experienced in UBF, arose from feeling humiliated by their leader, which I am sure the leader will swear that it was never their intention to humiliate anyone. They were just “doing their job” and “obeying the Bible,” even if it came across as “putting you in your place,” or making you feel unimportant. Likewise, even if they will not acknowledge that this is the reason, I think that many present UBF people will never read UBFriends or anything perceived to be “anti-UBF,” because they feel humiliated. They believe that they and/or their church is being unfairly and unnecessarily dragged through the sewer by “bitter people who will not devote themselves to the more important task of feeding sheep.” Of course, these are all subjective, subtle, silent sentiments which can be refuted.
Continue reading →
Listeners Are Born, Then Unmade
Warning: This article may cause psychological pain by revealing that you are not a good listener. If you can’t handle the truth, stop reading, cover your ears and yell, “I can’t hear you!”
Attentive listening should come naturally. Newborn babies easily gather and synthesize information, picking up words, facial expressions and other nonverbal cues from their parents and siblings, acquiring volumes of tacit knowledge about people and the world. But somewhere along the way, many of us lose the ability to listen to other people well. In the area of listening, we become socially challenged. Yet we are largely oblivious to our handicap. In fact, we develop sophisticated strategies to pretend that we are listening, and to convince ourselves that we are listening, when in reality we are not fully present with others nor hearing them out to the point of understanding.
Why People Leave UBF, Part 2
We cannot agree as to what the solution to a problem is unless we agree as to what the nature of the problem is. People leaving UBF is a problem. Often (and sadly) the nature of the problem is placed on the person who left, such as “He is demon-possessed.” This is not tenable, because people who leave UBF did not “run away,” as has been stated too often. Rather, they joined other churches, often over some frustration with a UBF leader regarding unresolved issues during their time in UBF. Martha, in a recent comment, said, “It’s frustrating to speak with leaders and realize that ‘Wow, they just don’t get it.’”
UBF, on a wide scale, needs to acknowledge that blaming the person who leaves UBF is never the way to solve any problem. Blaming others fails to take any personal responsibility. So, people will continue to leave, as has been the case. Last month another couple left after two decades in UBF. In 2013, my hope and prayer is that issues that have existed for many decades in many UBF chapters, big and small, may be addressed by taking more and more personal responsibility.
Continue reading →
One Reason People Leave UBF
In a recent comment, Joshua sums up his (decade plus) experience in UBF here. He says that his wife and he “were told specifically how we ought to obey God’s commands, with very little opportunity to exercise our personal freedom as individual Christians. The result is that our lives became very much under the authority and control of our pastor in areas where we should have been given freedom to follow our conscience before God.”
Why do people leave UBF, some after many decades? As I have listened to many people over the years as to why they leave UBF, I have been trying to articulate a common thread and reason as to why they leave, often after becoming a Christian in UBF, and some even after 10 to 30 years of being in UBF. Continue reading →
How Should UBF Respond to Criticism?
How has UBF handled criticism? Perhaps not very well? Do we embrace and listen to what our critics say?
My friend Brian Karcher is a critic of UBF (where he spent 24 years during the prime of his life). On Christmas day he posted this on Facebook: “And finally, to all those who de-friended me, told me I was listening to Satan’s voice, told me I was going to hell, played mind games with me by telling me no one wants to hear my thoughts, threatened to sue me, talked about me like I was possessed by an evil spirit or told me to shut up and go away– Merry Christmas! Here’s to an even more vocal 2013.”
Continue reading →
Keep Spiritual Order
My thesis is that spiritual “order” is equality as in the Trinity, not hierarchy. Where hierarchy prevails, it butchers the Trinity, and makes Christianity ugly.
Keep spiritual order. Over the last three decades in UBF, I have often heard and used the phrase, “Keep spiritual order.” I explained the order as “God, man and the world.” It correctly teaches that God, who is the Creator, is the Lord of creation. Thus, in Christ and through the gospel, man should keep this spiritual order by submitting to and obeying God from his heart.
Guilt tripping. However, my implicit practical meaning is that my Bible student should listen to what I (and other UBF leaders) tell them, because I am their shepherd and Bible teacher, who is “above” them. This implicit meaning and communication is what I believe has led to scores of misapplication, guilt tripping, control, manipulation, wounding, and misunderstanding.
Continue reading →
What is shepherding?
At the heart of the UBF lifestyle is something called 1:1. This is pronounced “one-to-one” and it refers to the role of shepherding other people (specifically college students) on a one-to-one basis. Often the assumption is that we understand this shepherding, accept it as a command from God, and just do it. The tendency is to see Bible study as the solution for all life’s problems, even at the expense of seeking other types of help when needed.
But what is shepherding? I’d like to take some time to stop and think critically about this important subject.
What 2nd Gens Need From Their Dad
Barnabas Piper, son of John Piper, wrote about 7 Things a Pastor’s Kid Needs from a Father. I sent it to my four kids and asked them how I measured up (or did not). They love me and perhaps that is why they did not respond. So I evaluated myself. The seven things a kid needs from their dad who is a pastor, shepherd, Bible teacher, or missionary are:
- A dad, not a pastor.
- Conversation, not sermons.
- Your interest in their hobbies.
- To be studied.
- Consistency from you.
- Grace to fail.
- A single moral standard.
Are UBF Shepherds Unobtrusive?
What does “unobtrusive” mean? Last week when I was praying with a friend who is a UBF leader, I prayed for him to be unobtrusive. The word “unobtrusive” just popped into my mind as I was praying for him. It was unplanned. It was as though the Holy Spirit put that word in my mind while I prayed for him. After we prayed, he asked me what “unobtrusive” meant. I said, “To not be in the way of other people.” Then I apologized to him, because he was not really an obtrusive leader. In fact, while apologizing to him for implying that he was obtrusive, I realized that it should be my prayer for myself, because by nature, I am an obtrusive sort of person. My wife lovingly calls me “highly annoying,” which I often regard as a compliment of the highest order. Since then, the word “unobtrusive” has been on my heart and mind. I began asking myself a question, “Should a Christian leader, pastor, Bible teacher, shepherd be obtrusive or unobtrusive?” I thought that the answer is quite obvious. But are those of us who are in positions of Christian influence unobtrusive?
Continue reading →
Last 30 Comments